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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To exclude (ex)FriendA?

40 replies

Allets · 03/02/2010 12:31

I am friends with FriendA and FriendB. FriendA is great fun, but very needy, quite self absorbed and very quick to take, take, take.

FriendA introduced me to FriendB about 18 months ago. FriendB is the polar opposite of FriendA.

About a year ago, FriendA and I were shopping. She saw a few designer things that she liked in the sales but was short of cash so I offered to allow her to use my storecard - on the proviso that she paid it off within the 3 months interest free period.

Subsequently she has paid me a bit of the money back - she used 300 quid and has paid me back 50. So in December, I came right out and asked her to settle the bill (having paid the interest on it for 7/8 months). She turned around and said I had a cheek for asking her to pay the money back as she had given me some second hand boys clothes (fair enough - lovely things, but I never, ever asked for them - indeed I didn't really want them as I was pushed for cupboard space, but took the things to be polite). I responded that I didn't think her passing on second hand things to the children constituted a repayment of the debt. After a heated exchange, she grudgingly agreed to pay the account immediately - surprise, surprise, 2 months later, not ONE penny! There have been many things over the past six months which have made me question our friendship but this has really, really pissed me off and made it difficult for me to maintain a friendship.

So here is where I may or may not be being unreasonable:

I would dearly love to just distance myself from FriendA entirely, but that would mean losing my friendship with FriendB (they are fairly inseparable).

I have invited FriendB around for a BBQ on Saturday - her DH is in hospital and it was her birthday yesterday, so I'd like to do something nice for her, but I just don't want to spend time with FriendA.

Would IBU if I only invited FriendB? Or would it be entirely reasonable?

Should add that DH is so pissed off with FriendA about the money that it's always very uncomfortable when she's around because the atmostphere is arctic.

Ho hum?

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 03/02/2010 12:35

No, don't feel you should have to invite friend A round to the barbecue. She owes you £250! I would consider that friendship dead tbh.

Would friend B find it odd that you'd invited her round without friend A? It may well be that your friendship with friend B dwindles if they are inseparable but ... that's life, I guess.

Original poster
Allets · 03/02/2010 12:37

I agree BBH. It's a shame really as I don't have many friends (we are new to this area).

Money - it's the root of all evil.

OP posts:
TheChicOfIt · 03/02/2010 12:38

I would speak to FriendA again.

Ask if she has forgotten that she agreed to pay off bill. Explain to her that you can't afford to keep paying off and that in actual fact she now owes you the interest too.

Depending on the outcome of that, you can then decide if you would like her at BBQ.

But BBQ in Feb..........are you mad!!

bibbitybobbityhat · 03/02/2010 12:39

Does friend B know about the money? I wonder what friend A has said to her about it ...

compo · 03/02/2010 12:43

Bloody hell what a bitch!
Haveto say you were a bit daft letting her put it on your store card , she's well and truly taken the piss

Original poster
Allets · 03/02/2010 12:51

In the interests of keeping the thread fair, I didn't mention that I have asked for the money again (admittedly, I only sent a text - a few weeks ago, which I am certain she received). She is just ignoring it.

I absolutely agree that I was daft. At the time she loaned the money, she had loaned smaller amounts and always paid me back promptly. To be honest I was quite gobsmacked that she thought she could write off such a large sum of money with second hand clothes.

FriendB doesn't know about the money - I am not one to gossip and it's likely it wouldn't make any difference. FriendB is quite well heeled and indulges FriendA to no end, 250 quid is no big deal to her.

I think I'll just notch it up to experience, invite FriendB only and see what happens.

Live and learn.

OP posts:
lisianthus · 03/02/2010 12:59

That's a lot of money. Someone who would borrow that off a friend and them leave them high and dry is not much of a friend. A and B may be close, but I am sure B must have other friends not shared with A.

Definitely don't invite A!

TheChicOfIt · 03/02/2010 13:04

FriendA sounds like a prize bitch.

She will be ignoring the text in the hope that if you ask her, she can deny having received it.

If I were you I would speak to her in person and ask for it again.

If she asks why she has not been invited, explain that you don't invite spongers to your house anymore.

compo · 03/02/2010 13:06

I would just send all your store card bills straight on to her and tell your other friend what has happened

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 03/02/2010 13:08

I expect B will tell A about the BBQ anyway.

I just think you are not all 5 and maybe it is time you told A you need the money by X date or you will take her to the small claims court. She doesn't have to know you won't if you wouldn't.

TheChicOfIt · 03/02/2010 13:15

Agree with Fab.

£250 plus interest is a lot of money.

Don't let her get away with it.

WhatNoLunchBreak · 03/02/2010 13:21

YANBU to consider only inviting FriendB. FriendA sounds not much like a friend to me!

The caveat is that if you do invite FriendB, then prepare yourself for potential fallout - whether from her or FriendA.

junglist1 · 03/02/2010 14:12

Tell Friend B about the money and that you've cut A off for being a thief and a user. Then invite her only. Of course Friend A shouldn't be invited! You'd be unreasonable to invite her if anything.

Angelcat666 · 03/02/2010 14:59

Agree with Fab too.

ronx · 03/02/2010 15:15

I think you've been pleasant enough. She's taken the piss out of you and I don't think she ever plans to repay you. In any case, why couldn't she use her own credit card or storecard?

You've already lost her as a friend. I'd give her a deadline to pay the money and then take her to the small claims court.

But let this be a lesson. Loans to friends can end in tears. Never lend more than you can afford to lose.

groundhogs · 03/02/2010 19:11

go round to friend a with statements and don't leave till she settles every penny.

The friendship IS dead, her abuse of you saw to that, but you being out of pocket and paying off her designer duds? She really does take the proverbial doesn't she?

Invite who you like to your bbq, friendb might be looking for an exit strategy at some point anyway..

Don't be a total doormat on this, she's really taking the mick, go get your money back, today!

WingedVictory · 03/02/2010 21:13

If Friend B is really "the polar opposite" of Friend A, surely she will be reasonable, discreet, modest. She may indulge Friend A a bit, but perhaps it is only that which has kept her from being "taken advantage of" (avoiding conflict by writing off debts, not pressing Friend A, in case she shows such selfish colours!).

There is no reason to invite Friend A to your party. Just invite Friend B. If she asks about Friend B, you can say you are having some problems, and then if she presses it, you "don't want to talk about it".

However, if Friend A turns up to the BBQ, oooh, won't you have fun! You can take her aside, overtly poliely, and tell her you want her to go, as she wasn't invited, and you are really shocked at her cheek, for thinking she can carry on, after having shown so little regard for your feelings. Then rejoin the party and say no more, say nothing publicly. If Friend A mouths off (I am perhaps being unfair to her, in making these assumptions).

Just thinking about the scenario above should be enough to get you psyched up not to be bullied. You may have lost the money anyway, so do not think that you risk "losing a friend" in any confrontation.

As for Friend B. Could you lose her? Possibly. But if she has avoided conflict and confrontation thus far with bossy Friend A, she must know a bit about how to sidestep confrontation. In that case, she might well be suave enough to "carry on" with you without Friend A's knowledge!

Original poster
Allets · 03/02/2010 21:40

Thanks for the responses. You are all right. I am being a doormat!

I will speak to exFriendA today in person and demand the money back.

DH is furious with me - quite rightly so (if he did that, I'd be furious too). He says that I am too nice and that this is a recurring theme - i.e, people taking the piss.

He's right. I hate having to be confrontational. I like to treat my friends well and am quite sad that it's come to this.

I'll have to brace myself for the fallout though. FriendA is renowned for bitching loudly to anybody who will listen - particularly at school. I don't particularly care though - we aren't five years old and it's a lot of money.

Why do things always have to be so damn complicated

OP posts:
WingedVictory · 03/02/2010 22:02

Don't feel you are "a doormat" because of what people have been saying. People are angry for you, not at you! You are well entitled to your money and the interested, and to not be brushed off in this way. Even your DH's anger is rather inappropriate, if it seems he is directing it at you!

As for her bitching, who hasn't been on the receiving end of it? Is there anyone who wouldn't understand it for what it was? If you stand up to her, perhaps others will start doing it too. First they'll stand up for you, and then they'll stand up for yourself. And the more of you there are doing it, the less power she will have to bully. Bring on her fallout, and let it fall all over her head!

WingedVictory · 03/02/2010 22:08

And once you have told her (again), let me at her. I'm actually getting rather psyched up, thinking about it.

Hopefully, you're about to discover how absolutely wonderful it feels to get into a proper fight, one in which you are so right, and the other person has continually behaved so badly, that there is nothing to be afraid of. Nothing. And it's soooo good for getting out all your frustration, built up on those many other occasions on which we have to compromise and be nice, recognise that we are not the only ones in the world, etc.... You see? I'm not a berserker, whose advice is dangerous to take; I am a sensible person, who just happens to know the cathartic value of justifiable and guilt-free rage!

WingedVictory · 03/02/2010 22:56

I have been writing a lot of rubbish, it seems! Sorry, can't even blame it on typing; this is a writing malfunction.

"You are well entitled to your money and the interest" (gah)

and
"First they'll stand up for you, and then they'll stand up for yourself - I meant "themselves"!

Original poster
Allets · 03/02/2010 23:21

Thanks WV. I appreciate your comments and your wrath by proxy

I have sent her an email this morning - I decided to send a firmly worded email, as I knew a telephone call would descend into a slanging match.

I've asked her to pay me the money today. So we'll see how we go.

OP posts:
giraffesCantCeilidhDance · 03/02/2010 23:26

Fingers crossed!

groundhogs · 03/02/2010 23:44

go for it allets! We got yer back!

Seriously though, if she doesn't pay you back, go round and get your money back from her. Make sure she repays all the interest too!

Do, please let us know how you get on?

WingedVictory · 04/02/2010 00:03

Maybe she will borrow the money from Friend B! Friend B might eventually ge narked, too!

We can but hope....

P.S. ronx was very right to bring up the small claims court; it's there to pursue the petty (from French "petit" = small) injustices which do rankle as much as great ones!