to be annoyed that people think they have the right to tell me when i can have another child

[mum2b09]

I was 18 when i fell pregnant with my DD. The pregnancy wasnt planned as you may have guessed but i was possitive i was going to do my best for my child.

Me and my partner live in a lovely 3 bed house in a nice area and he works in immigration so has a pretty good job.

Im a SAHM and still breastfeeding my 11 month old DD so not planning a baby any time soon as i plan to continue feeding for aslong as were both happy to carry on..

But what really gets me is HVs and other people think they have the right to tell me i should try and get back into college, work ect and should not be thinking of having another baby.

I am only 20 so i know i have plenty of time to have more children and fully intend on enjoying my daughter before planning my second but AIBU to think no one has the right to tell me if and when i can have children?

And also y the hell should i work and have someone else bring my child up when i could be at home with her bringing her up they way i want her to be brought up?

Sorry little rant there

i had DS at 24 and DD at 30., believe me, people asked me for years when i was having another DC. people do it. regardless of age. sounds like you're doing great, just nod , smile and ignore !!

YANBU

But, to be fair they probably 1. have good intentions and 2. have seen plenty of women have children very young, never continue in education and end up feeling trapped, miserable and jobless in later life (I am emphatically NOT saying this is what will happen to you).

Also, this is just the flipside of the coin of being nagged to oblivion re starting a family if you haven't reproduced by the age of 30.

Afraid I agree with mazzystartled

Yeah i think intentions are usually good from people i know. I was never really that academically driven even before i had my daughter and always had intentions of being a SAHM and although unplanned she is the best thing thats ever happened to me.

Its when HVs and midwives who know nothing about me decide whats best for me arghh :D

I think the one thing you can't avoid learning from MN is that everyone has an opinion, especially when it comes to parenthood. The good thing about MN as opposed to RL is that you can ignore the ones you don't agree with and the anonymity means you don't get your feelings hurt in the same way.

Think of these people as like the ones who say things on here you don't agree with and ignore them. YANBU but they probably mean well.

YANBU

I have a friend who has a 1 year old daughter. She had many fertility issues followed by a long awaited but very difficult and dangerous pregnancy. She is constantly asked when her baby will be having a bro or sis as baby "will be lonely"

I am an adoptive Mum of one gorgeous 3 year old boy. Those who don't know of our adoptive status often ask when we will be having another baby. Or say "You will be having another one soon!" (Would be tricky! )

It doesn't matter what your circumstances are people will always comment. Ignore them, they have their own lives to live without trying to live yours too!

I'll go against the majority here and must say that I find it sad that at 20 you always wanted to be a SAHM and live in total dependance of your partner.

This is not about being academically driven, not everyone is, but this is about gaining the means of supporting yourself and your children in a worst case scenario and also in gaining a little bit of independence.And widening your horizon.

If you find this patronising, so be it.

I am not being at all confrontational - not in my nature.

However I disagree with WidowWadman - I am not lazy and have always wanted to have enough money to provide for myself and laterly my family and to contribute to society. I got A Levels and a degree and then spent 6 years in employment before my son "arrived". However I always wanted a family and to look after my children at home for as long as was economically possible. I had fertility issues which delayed and changed my starting a family but eventually it happened and it is the best thing for me.

If it is a true partnership there is no reason for it to be "sad" because the OP will not be dependent because all the finances coming in are shared. Therefore they belong to the OP and her child too.

There is no shame IMO in wanting to be a mummy and stay at home with your children if you are financially able.

Shivster - who has called anyone lazy? I've commented on the 20 year old without qualifications who only ever wanted to be a SAHM - I think the advice to maybe try and gain some qualifications etc is not a bad advice.

She is only financially able because her partner provides - this is total dependence and in my opinion her situation is different to yours - you have worked, you have qualifications and therefore it will be easier for you to find gainful employment should you need to than it would be for her.

I've not called SAHMs lazy, and I wouldn't, however this doesn't stop SAHMs being dependent on their partners as they don't have another source of income.

If partner buggers off - income gone, if piano falls from the sky onto partner's head - income gone, long term illness of the partner - yep, no income. In that situation I'd rather have some work experience under my belt which would make it easier for me to provide for my family.

Youre intitled to your opinion widowwadman but i have to say i disagree with you.

I agree that yes i do rely on my partner for financial stability and yes ofcourse in other circumstances i would have loved to have gotten qualifications incase i was a sole provider for my family but i disagree that it is sad in any way that i do.

When i said i have always wanted to be a SAHM i meant when i decided to have my children i wanted to stay at home with them.

My argument wasnt that i shouldnt have qualifications or should want to stay at home forever just that while im here i should be able to enjoy it without people interveining and telling me i should put my child into daycare and get a job.

Im only 20 and have plenty of time to gain qualifications if and when i want to do them and my argument was that i should be the only person who has a say in my own life.

well plenty work ft and pay tax so sahm can be at home.actually at 20 you should be thinking career and qualification, because as mum you need to be solvent and able to provide. ,

imo, sole relainace upon partnert is folly.you have to have some self sufficecncy and consider being able to contribiute to family income

bit shocked at 20yo "and also why the hell should i work" doh because it is an adult self sufficient thing to do.my to god having the children young isnt a reason not work

do you really want to be solely reliant upon someone else for your keep

wake up its 2010,shake yer arsse get a job sometime put dd in free nursery

I read the thread as if SAHM was your sole career choice, and not a parenting choice, and that's what I find sad. Choosing to be at home with your children is one thing and each to your own. Aiming to have children instead of qualifications and a job is another. That's how I read it, and that's what I called sad. If I misread what you said, I apologise. Still, if I were you I'd aim to gain at least some qualifications while you're still young. It's not getting easier when your older, and will look better on a CV, once you decide to start working. There's plenty you can do from home, whilst being with the child. OU, for example.

It is truly shocking if a SAHM in a stable relationship with decent accommodation and a partner with a stable job and income that can cover the family's needs is being advised by an HV to go back to studying/work rather than plan another child.

None of the HV's business.

The OP will have plenty of time to study/train/work when her children are at school and a bit older and more independent - if she and her partner so wish.

Mum2b, YANBU at all. You know what motherhood is about and you know you like it, so go for it.
I have the opposite problem. I'm in my early 30s with a 3yr old son, in a stable relationship. People keep telling me I should be having another child soon and really don't like the fact that a) I want to get back to my career, and b) I don't want another child.

I had ds when I was 21. Thankgod I had just finished university so had that under my belt. I was a sahm for 3 years but unlike you dh didnt earn enough for us not to recieve some housing benefit and family credit as it was then. I really wanted to get off benefits.
I went to work when he was 3 and have worked full time every since. I am now nearly 36. If I had waited any longer to go to work then I wouldnt be in the position I am in today. I earn a very good wage and could (and have whilst dh was a sahp) pay a large mortgage/childcare/bills etc on my own with no outside help.

I wish I'd gone back to work straightaway when I'd had ds. We could have bought a house when they were much cheaper for one.

I had dd when I was nearly 30 and took just a few months off. Much better for me that way.

As lovely as I am sure your relationship is let's be honest. THe chances of you two being together for ever are pretty slim. Dh and stayed together but we are the only couple from our friends at that age who did.

Im not really sure what you mean by that rainbowinthesky. We could be together from any age and still have a chance of maybe not being together forever. Obviously nothings for certain as i cant predict the future but i dont see any reason why the chance of us staying together is pretty slim. If i met him at 30 how would that be any different?

People change and grow in different directions at any age and im hoping well grow together as a family he will always bea part of my life. So stereotypical to think that because were young we will last 5 minutes and ill end up a single mum with no qualifications.

I have a fantastic partner who i love and cherish and have every intention of building a life with and i do agree that i would like to be able to contribute to my family buit life doesnt always go as planned. I love where i am and just wish people would let me enjoy it :D

tbh, I think the only reply I'd give would be "I must have blacked out and missed the part where I asked for your opinion."

Truly. sahm / wohm / college / whatever, doesn't matter. your life, your choice (your problem, if I'm being honest )

I just think people who come out with unsolicited advice (instructions? ) should be put in their place.

YANBU

i was 18 when i fell pregnant with my ds, he is now 31mnths, i spent the first few months of his life being told about the colleges day care and so on, i calmly replied each time, he was my responsibility and i would bring him up as a sahm, dp was in a good job and we were very happy in our little house together, when my wonderful but suprise dd was discovered i was swamped with comments of now you cant go back to college etc, Erm i never planned to, not yet anyway. I also had several health visitors insinuate that dp would leave, and then how would i support them and so on.

Anyway enough of my life story, cut short, Me and dp are happily engaged have been together 5yrs have two lovely toddlers age 1 and 2 and have just brought a lovely 4bed detached house, I know exactly what career i want and how to get there, and i WILL but when my babies are children.

Just because we are young doesnt mean anyone has the right to tell us how we should plan our familys/careers and home lives, you sound like a brilliant mum who has her head screwed on! It took me over a year to realise i was as good as any other parent! and now i love every single minute and never ever avoid groups where i imagined id be looked down on, Mums all have something in common, age doesnt matter!

Best of luck! x

oh and i have qualifications too, just because i was pregnant young doesnt mean i dont! Nothing huge just an NVQ 2 and 3 in health and social care but its a Step into a job should i need to support my children one day.

Just smile and ignore...I wish we started ttc earlier than we did (at 32yo).
You'll have plenty of time to study, if you so desire, when your kids go to uni (or whatever).
At 18/20 I did not know what I wanted to do with my life, chances are that if you do decide to study later on at least you'll choose something that is much more relevant to what you want to do, therefore be more interested in it, and more motivated.

I don't really get the "it's nobody's business" mantra. The health visitor probably wants to make sure you have thought out your choices, same goes for friends and family. I think it's wonderful that you're living the life you want to live at 20 but it is indeed a very young age when most still explore their options. I'm sure you're happy with your partner, no reason why you can't always be! Personally I love working, my son is 18 months and I'm still part time but I know that one day I'll be full time again and really enjoy my work and my financial independence. I just couldn't depend on my (lovely) DH for money, perhaps because my mum also went on working and that's how I learned being an adult woman is.

Nelly, but people are still allowed to choose aren't they?

Of course Monty, especially after I had my son I understood why one wants to be a SAHM a lot more. But sometimes it feels like we only want to hear our own opinions reaffirmed rather than a different suggestion. In my experience, life only gets more complicated as you get older, and if you do study then younger is a bit easier than older. I teach in higher education and it seems easier for students to on and socialize with their peers when in a similar age group. Studying and is not just about money, it's about learning about life, discovering yourself, meeting other like-minded people. So, people close to her can wonder if she needs to do more, it's only a good thing to broaden one's horizons I think.
I'm not saying she should! She seems happy and I wish her the best. I'm only saying I understand why people think she could evaluate her options.