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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to want to take on my dad's wife's family??

42 replies

MumtoEliane · 02/02/2010 15:10

My family my whole life has been my mum's side. I met my dad 6 years ago and we started a relationship, and I am in touch with his brothers and children of those, my uncles and cousins.

But my dad married again and although I am in touch and bearing friendly with his wife, they keep calling her brothers and sisters (6 of them) my uncles and aunties. They live in another city some 3 hour drive away and always insist that I go and visit them. I went once and didn't enjoy it, they all gather at their mums house and have huge family meals which are not my cup pf tea. Now they insist even more since I have DD and I want to go even less. They are too touchy feely and overwhelming and I am just dreading going home

AIBU, or do you agree with me?

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 02/02/2010 15:51

Generally speaking, don't spend time with people you don't like. Life's too short. Immediate family, maybe you have to grin and bear it but when it comes to outlying in-laws and steps I don't think you're really obliged to do anything.

AMumInScotland · 02/02/2010 16:01

YANBU - your stepmother's family are not your relatives, and they certainly don't get to "insist" that you do anything. It's good that you've managed to develop a relationship with your dad, and his wife is part of the "package" (normally anyway, unless there's a problem with your relationship with her). But the rest of her family are just strangers and you don't need to let them have any call on your time.

Original poster

MumtoEliane · 02/02/2010 16:01

Life's too short, that's what I think, but how do I tell the wife how I feel without hurting her feelings? I know she will hurt as soon after we met she kept holding me and hugging and I felt very akward, she said "if you don't like me doing that, just say so" so I said; "to be honest I don't really like it, I am not very much 'like that'" I tried not to sound harsh, it is really that my other family and I are NOT like that. And she just didn't speak the rest of the night!

OP posts:

Heeka · 02/02/2010 16:03

YANBU at all. They aren't your uncles and aunts, and IMHO it's a bit odd if they think that you might regard them in that way, especially if you've only known your dad for six years. I would have 'prior engagements' on those occasions!

Original poster

MumtoEliane · 02/02/2010 16:04

Thanks again. And yes, she is his wife I accept that and her daughter lives with them, and I do like her.

So why on earth do they all behave as if I belong to them?? her younges sister is only 6 years older than me and she calls herselg my DD's greataunty FGS!

OP posts:

Surfermum · 02/02/2010 16:06

You haven't given a huge amount of detail about what they're like, but aren't they just trying to include you and make you feel part of the family?

Pheebe · 02/02/2010 16:06

they are trying to include you in their family - how terrible of them!

They sound lovely, open and friendly, you sound selfish and difficult, sorry YABU

Original poster

MumtoEliane · 02/02/2010 16:12

Yes of course they are trying to include me on their family, but I do have a family, my mum's and my dad's. Don't want another family. I do feel selfish and that is why I haven't said anything, but a couple of people here have agreed with me.

Its like your brother sisters family tried to include you in their family!

OP posts:

Original poster

MumtoEliane · 02/02/2010 16:14

I meant you bother's wife's family, for example.

OP posts:

skidoodle · 02/02/2010 16:18

Family done right is an inclusive concept. One you don't appear to havegrasped.

I agree with pheebe, yabu and sound a dreary person

fernie3 · 02/02/2010 16:18

my dads wife does this my stepsister sends me "sister" card for my birthday.To be honest if they are generally nice I would just smile and ignore it they are NOT your family and no amount of calling them aunties and uncles will change that and so I would let it go to avoid bad feeling. My stepmother calls herself my mother sometimes and again I just smile and let it go,life is too short to get into pointless arguement about names if you ask me!

Original poster

MumtoEliane · 02/02/2010 16:40

Yeah but they will want me and DD to go on a 3 hour juorney each way to go and visit them, to a reunion I am dreading, all the hugs and the kisses from people I have only seen once before.

If this makes me a dreary person... I think I am a good person alltoghether, I respect others, their feelings and decisions.

But seeing some opinions here it looks like it is better to put a smile on, hide my feelings and do what they want.

OP posts:

TheSugarPlumFairy · 02/02/2010 16:41

My DH has a 6 year old daughter. Recently we took her to our native country so she could meet her paternal relatives, which she had never been able to do becuase of the intransegence of her mother (a whole other story).

While we were there, she was embraced by the kids from my family and ended up spending a lot of time with them. Even though there is no blood relationship they consdier her their cousin and she did as well (until her mother decided she didnt like it). My sister treated her just as she would any blood child of mine, as did my mum. THey were so excited to finally meet her. THe fact is i am married to her dad and have been since before she was born (long story). I am her step mother and she is part of my family and i am part of hers.

Family to me is more about love and relationships than blood. I think as my SD gets older i would be incredibly hurt if she decided that she only wanted to have a relationship with those who had a blood tie to her.

TheSugarPlumFairy · 02/02/2010 16:44

MumtoEliane, do you think the reason it makes you uncomfortable is that they are a bit to full on for you?

I just got the impression from your later posts that these people might be a bit touchy feely for you and are assuming a level of intimacy with you that you are not ready for given that they have literally only met you once before.

So maybe it is not a family issue as it is a boundry issue?

Just a thought.

Original poster

MumtoEliane · 02/02/2010 16:49

TheSugar, you where with her father before she was born. I only met my dad 6 years ago and I never lived with him.

I KNOW they are just being nice.

OP posts:

Original poster

MumtoEliane · 02/02/2010 16:51

Its both I think. But the touchy feely and full on bit its deffinitly not my cup of tea. So maybe if they where not like that I would be more open. That's a point actually.

OP posts:

purpleduck · 02/02/2010 16:56

MumtoEliane - do you feel disloyal to your mum when you visit your dad? Why did you not see him?

I have NO FAMILY here - my dh has 1 sister and some step sisters/brother (of about 20 years). Although they are kind to my kids - remember birthdays etc - my kids are definately NOT treated the same. I'm sure they don't see what the big deal is, but in the absence of any other family - THEY are pretty much it. I keep calling them my kids aunties etc and I'm not sure they appreciate it.

SO -they may not be YOUR family - but they are your dc's family. The more people to love them the better.

Why not tell your step mother that you need time - especially for the extended family, but don't burn your bridges yet - you may eventually apprecite the interest they show in your dc's.

purpleduck · 02/02/2010 16:57

btw, I know my brothers wife's family very well. Nice people

sayithowitis · 02/02/2010 16:58

And can you imagine the posts on here if this was a child who was being excluded by a step mothers family because she 'isn't family'? I think it is lovely that they want to include you as part of their family. When my mum re-married, my Step Dad's parents began to refer to us as their grandchildren and treated us as equals with their biological grandchildren. That continued right up to the day they dies, and as far as my own Dcs were concerned, they just had extra great grand parents. I think it is a shame that this family want to include you and yet you don't want to be included. I think it must be a lot sadder to exclude yourself than to be a part of the family.

purpleduck · 02/02/2010 17:01

appreciate!!!

Original poster

MumtoEliane · 02/02/2010 17:09

So I have to hid my feelings, because I understand what you all are saying, but I just don't feel comfortable around them.

OP posts:

purpleduck · 02/02/2010 17:14

So, why did you not see your dad? Was your mum mad at him?

Original poster

MumtoEliane · 02/02/2010 17:17

Sorry to insist, but woud you spend time with them (remember involves 6 hour on the road) if you don't like them?

OP posts:

CowWatcher · 02/02/2010 17:17

MumtoEliane I have much extended step family the vast majority of whom I have only known as an adult. I refuse to be allowed to be called by any of the familial names by any of them. Therefore, to me, My mother's husband's children are not my brothers and sisters, their children are not my nieces and nephews etc. etc. This is not because I don't like any of them, but these are not relationships that mean anything to me. I manage (just about) to pick and chose which of them I (and my family) spend time with. I avoid family events where we will have to spend time with the ones we don't like. Life is to short to spend time with people one can't stand. Notwithstanding I make it my business to get on well with my parents' & in-laws' spouses.

Uriel · 02/02/2010 17:17

YANBU. You don't have to see them if you're not comfortable with it.

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