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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to want to take on my dad's wife's family??

42 replies

MumtoEliane · 02/02/2010 15:10

My family my whole life has been my mum's side. I met my dad 6 years ago and we started a relationship, and I am in touch with his brothers and children of those, my uncles and cousins.

But my dad married again and although I am in touch and bearing friendly with his wife, they keep calling her brothers and sisters (6 of them) my uncles and aunties. They live in another city some 3 hour drive away and always insist that I go and visit them. I went once and didn't enjoy it, they all gather at their mums house and have huge family meals which are not my cup pf tea. Now they insist even more since I have DD and I want to go even less. They are too touchy feely and overwhelming and I am just dreading going home

AIBU, or do you agree with me?

OP posts:

Original poster

MumtoEliane · 02/02/2010 17:20

My dad didn't know I existed. He slept with my mum while married to someone else, not his actual wife, so my mum found out she was pregnant and he was married, never said anything and her and my grandparents raised me. When she was very poorly before she died she told me who he was and I founf him.

So yes I am greatfull of the openness, but very overwhelmed aswell.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 02/02/2010 17:26

Could you perhaps ask your dad to have a word with his wife about how overwhelming you find them - lovely and friendly but overwhelming when you've not grown up around them? And suggest that maybe you don't go to see all of them in one go so much, but meet them in smaller groups, maybe at your dad's house, rather than going to her mums when they will all be there.

FWIW I find huge family gatherings a bit much even when they are blood relatives, and don't tend to do those much apart from weddings etc when there is a reason for all getting together.

AMumInScotland · 02/02/2010 17:31

I certainly wouldn't travel 3 hours each way to see people outside my immediate family, apart from special days like weddings, significant birthdays etc.

Original poster

MumtoEliane · 02/02/2010 17:31

I have tried that, I asked my dad don't they ever come here? but no, beause of the trip. But we have to make it. They are all coming to my dad's house just 4 days before I arrive as its his wife's birthday. But when I go there as I am on holiday, is me who has to move around. I have managed to put it off until now, but I go for 6 weeks this time and that's why I was thinking of saying something, as I am trully dreading it.

OP posts:

pooexplosions · 02/02/2010 19:01

Fuck me, calling a women dreary and selfish because she doesn't want to adopt en masse a family that has nothing to do with her.
Contrast that with all the posters who get told to cut their immediate family out when they have problems. Bizarre.

OP, if you want to see them and so on, great. If you don't, why the hell should you? Your estranged fathers wifes brothers cousin is not your family and you have zero obligation.

2rebecca · 02/02/2010 19:22

You don't have to do anything. You're an independant adult. These people aren't really your family and even if they were you don't have to spend time with people you don't like. Just say that you aren't going as it's too far.
Why are you so bad at saying no to him, or are you generally inclined to please other people rather than yourself?
I can't imagine your husband is desperate to see these folk who aren't his family either. I think stepfamilies only mean something if you grow up together, otherwise it's just someone else's family who happens to marry one of your relatives, a bit like inlaws. I don't visit my brother's wife's family and if my dad remarried would feel his wife's family were just as distant, more so as I've known my SIL for over 10 years.

purpleduck · 02/02/2010 21:54

I wouldn't make the 6 hour trip. But I think I would make a small - baby steps small - effort to get to know him.
you may have all kinds of feelings about your dad - I'm sure you spent time thinking about him when you were growing up etc. But he has only just realised you exist (yes, I know 6 years!) and perhaps he wants to make up for lost time. Perhaps they just like you so much that they want you in their lives...?

Either way, perhaps have a discussion about how overwhelming it all is.

You seem quite mad at him, and I am struggling to see what exactly he has done wrong. Not a criticism.

ellokitty · 02/02/2010 22:54

Looking at it from another angle, whilst they are not a part of your family, you are a part of theirs iyswim.

When your Dad and his family have get togethers, surely it is natural that they would want to include you in that too - because you are part of their family.

It is a tricky one, because if they didn't invite you... I could see another thread along the lines of "My father's / stepmother's family have these get togethers / big family parties and I'm never invited. AIBU to feel rejected?" etc.

Tbh, I think your step mother is in a no win situation. But then, it is going to be hard all round and these situations are never easy are they? But, I can also see your perspective too, and if its not something you are used to, it can be overwhelming.

bruceb · 02/02/2010 23:07

YANBU really - it's a tough situation that no-one else can fully understand.

I think various posters have said that they are just being nice, and I agree that they are trying - it's just probably awkward for them to understand that it's a bit too much for you.

And, I do think they are being unreasonable to expect you to travel, while they won't do it the other way.....

Original poster

MumtoEliane · 03/02/2010 13:41

Thanks pooexpltions, I don't think I am selfish. And yes, my DP hates these gatherings even more than me, to the point that when my nan goes and we might have to stay with my dad when visiting, I doubt he will come at all.

Purpleduck, I am not mad at my dad or his family at all, as i said I am fine with his brothers and brothers children, my cousins, I have a half sister and a step-sister that lives with them, I get on with these people absolutly fine, I always make an effort to spend time with them. I call my step sister my DD's aunt as she lives with my dad and his wife and she is always around.

I just don't feel the same about his wifes family.

I can see that the opinions here are as divided as my own.

I am just dreading, dreading going home

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PurpleCrazyHorse · 03/02/2010 14:09

I think you need to say to your dad that you (and DD / DH) are finding it overwhelming and that you'd like to meet everyone but in a smaller gatherings so you can properly chat to them and not feel like a spectacle. Therefore bowing out of the big meet but keeping your options open for a smaller get together.

Ask your dad to invite maybe just his wife's parents or her siblings to lunch next time you're down. If they can't be bothered to travel then don't worry about it.

lisianthus · 03/02/2010 18:22

They do sound a bit overwhelming! Don't take it on as an obligation if it's all a bit much for you; nod, smile, say something vague. A six hour round trip is a lot with a small child so just be busy on the weekends.

And FWIW, I'm not really a touchy feely person either, as hugging and kissing feels really fake to me when I don't have really strong feelings for the other person, so if that makes me "dreary", so be it.

2rebecca · 03/02/2010 18:28

Why is it so difficult to just say no and make an excuse?
I think if my dad took up with a new woman I'd find refusing to meet her extended family if they all lived several hours away very easy. You have a small child so can easily say the journey is too much for them, fuel is too expensive, your weekends are busy, you hate long jopurneys, you get car sick, you have something else on, the list of potential excuses is huge.
I'd stick to visiting your dad and trying to persuade him to visit you or meet half way and just let the rest of his wife's family do their own thing and politely refuse invitation if you don't want to go.
You seem to be making a bit of a meal of it.

independiente · 03/02/2010 19:34

Hmm, I can see both sides. You're not a touchy feely person, and you're feeling overwhelmed. Understandable. But you also sound fairly determined to stay overwhelmed...

From the other side: if I've understood correctly, your Dad (and by extension, his wife) didn't know of your existence until 6 years ago - by which time he had married and had a family, completely unaware that he had another child in the world. Must have been a shock for them, and yet they make every possible effort to welcome you and love you - even those who aren't 'blood' relations.

It's true that 'life's too short', but I think it's too short to not relax a bit, and allow people to be fond of you.

KimiLivesInStarbucks · 03/02/2010 19:47

I think it is nice your dads new family are welcoming and friendly.
If you really can not deal with it stay away

Original poster

MumtoEliane · 05/02/2010 14:37

I suppose I will just have to deal with it, but I really am not happy about the trip. DD is only 4 months. So hopefully they won't expect me to go. My dad lives in the same sity as my other family, so I seem most days, his wifes family is the ones that live away. They are all caming to his 4 days before i arrive for her birthday,I doubt they will do it again. Her mum never does the trip "too long" ha! and the siblings are 6 of them so I understand its easier for me to move than them.

And I forgot, I hate going in the car with him, he is a dreadful driver and when it was only me I didn't mind so much but with DD I am more scared. And this, I promise is not an excuse, my DP has noticed to.

OP posts:

Original poster

MumtoEliane · 05/02/2010 14:38

city, see him, sorry about spelling mistakes!

OP posts:

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