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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How peed off would you be with your in-laws if they promised birthday money to your child and 3 months later had still not given it?

39 replies

SingingAngel · 02/02/2010 12:28

6 year olds birthday.

They gave her a small sort of £5 gift about a week after the birthday and promised her that 'that was just a little somthing for now' and that they would be giving her some money.

3 months later...... nothing.

Don't know what to think really. What is the mumsnet view?

OP posts:
FlamingoBingo · 02/02/2010 12:30

Very. Apalling to tell anyone you'll do something and then not do it, even more so for a child. Does she remember about it? If not, I might be inclined to just forget about it for now, for the sake of maintainting good relations. If she does remember, then I think you ought to remind your PIL - say that DD has an idea of what she wants to spend the money on and she was wondering if they had remembered they'd promised it.

Earlybird · 02/02/2010 12:31

Are they strapped for cash, or just forgetful?

Is dd upset about it, or are you the one who is unhappy?

Earlybird · 02/02/2010 12:31

What does your dh think?

DuelingFanjo · 02/02/2010 12:32

3 months later? I would hope I'd stop worrying about it to be honest.

Depends on what my relationship with them was like too.

Original poster
SingingAngel · 02/02/2010 12:36

They are absolutely not strapped for cash. Very far from it, in fact!

Dd has actually forgotten about it, so is not causing me any major hassle on that score.

However, this is very typical behaviour from them.

They are anti-equality on the gift giving score.

1 birthday you might get £200 from them, the next birthday, not even card. They will easily give 1 sibling £300 for xmas and then the other sibling a potted plant.

Mine are too young to have noticed so far, but dd is 6 now and it's not long before she is going to notice.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 02/02/2010 12:38

If it was my dad I'd phone him and remind him as he's getting forgetful and would probably be upset at having forotten, I'd have done it before now though. If it was my inlaws I'd ask my husband to phone them. They've probably forgotten although money is usually an easy thing to give so it seems odd not to give money at the same time as the present.

jamaisjedors · 02/02/2010 12:42

I would definitely leave it.

Can you imagine how you'd feel if someone phoned you 'reminding' you about a gift you'd promised?

He's had something from them, 3 months afterwards it's just ridiculous to ask for it/expect it.

They'll probably give him something the next time they see him.

As long as he knows they love him, it doesn't matter about "equality" - it really bugs me when people think you have to spend the exact same amount for things to be "fair".

jamaisjedors · 02/02/2010 12:43

Just noticed that DD has forgotten!

Why on earth would you want to bring this up now then????

Hulababy · 02/02/2010 12:47

She has forgotten about it. It isn't causing her any upset. She did get a gift, albeit a small one.

I would forget about it and move on from it.

It is not great that they promised something and then didn't deliver. It could be that they have forgotten, quite innocently. Or it could be less of an accident.

But either way - move on now. It has been 3 months.

TheFirstLady · 02/02/2010 12:50

My mum forgot DD3's 7th birthday completely last year. I didn't remind her because she would have been upset with herself, and DD didn't notice anyway. I think you are being a bit U quite frankly.

Original poster
SingingAngel · 02/02/2010 12:51

I suppose because I know them to be very selfish, opinionated, mean-spirited people.

If I thought, it was a genuine one-off oversight I probably would have forgotten about it.

I've been with dh 15 years and in that time, sometimes I get a card, sometimes I get a present, sometimes I get nothing, sometimes I don't even get a 'hello' in the street depending on what sort of mood they are in that day.

I have put up with it for dh's sake, but I am not keen to let them treat my children like that.

Still not sure how to handle it though

OP posts:
janeite · 02/02/2010 12:52

She is six. She has forgotten about it. Why on earth are you still dwelling on it all this time later? Let it go fgs.

janeite · 02/02/2010 12:52

Crossed posts. Either way, I still think you should forget it.

Original poster
SingingAngel · 02/02/2010 12:53

By the way - they are not elderly or poor at all.

They are in their fifties, very fit and very well off.

They would certainly not be upset about what they have done if someone pointed out to them their 'mistake'.

OP posts:
Original poster
SingingAngel · 02/02/2010 12:56

I suppose, you're right.

It is time to move on from this one. Especially as dd has forgotten.

But how would you handle in-laws like this? As my kids get older I really do not want to see one of them getting £200 for their birthday and the other one getting nothing.

OP posts:
Bella32 · 02/02/2010 12:57

My FIL promises and forgets every year, bless him

I worry about other things, tbh.

Vivia · 02/02/2010 12:57

YABVVU! Leave them alone. Maybe they honestly forgot. Your DD is content. It does not matter. You seem to take real issue with the fact that they give you £200 and the next year nothing? You are extremely shallow. Maybe they are just testing you because they know this.

BigBadMummy · 02/02/2010 12:59

If you have a good relationship with them how about "DD was flicking through the Argos catalogue and has spotted X. I thought maybe we could buy with the money you said you would be giving her for her birthday"

or

If your relationship is not so good. Let it go.

Bella32 · 02/02/2010 13:00

lol @ vivia - I was going to suggest turning it into a game with your dc when they are older: 'Let's see what strange/huge/tiny pressies Grandma & Grandad give us tihs year' but actually maybe the boot's on the other foot - maybe your in laws are chortling at how vexed you get over the 'inequality'

DuelingFanjo · 02/02/2010 13:01

in future, if one gets £200 then split it between the two of them.

pigletmania · 02/02/2010 13:04

One one hand YABU to still be concerned about it months later but YANBU because of your child, they should not have told your dc anything as kids can take things literally and not the same way as adults.

Original poster
SingingAngel · 02/02/2010 13:05

I seem to have made a right mess of this posting . Don't think I have explained this very well at all.

They would never let my children call them anything other than their first names (no Grandma or Grandpa business at all).

How many of you can honestly say that if you had 2 grandchildren with birthdays very close together, you would present one with a cheque for £200 and the other with a small £5 token gift?

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 02/02/2010 13:06

Don't leave things to chance in the future. Flag up birthdays & Christmas in advance and agree what the present or amount of money is going to be. We do this in our family and, whilst it's not very spontaneous or romantic, it certainly makes for an easier life.

catastrojb · 02/02/2010 13:08

i don't really have any answers, and I do think you should let this particular occasion go by. However, I don't think you are BU to worry about them noticing vast differences in gifts - I agree with jamaisjedors who said that you don't have to spend exactly the same on each, but £200 on one and a plant on another? Really? that would be ok? A weird thought. IME children definitely do spot things like that, and see things quite simplistically.

How do they usually give money? Could you create a joint bank account for all your children and put it in there so that any massive differences smooth out over time? Iyswim.

What relationship does your dh have with them? Can you/he discuss a budget for them for future presents?

I agree that this sounds quite mercenary, but grandparents will give presents - it is not grabbing or greedy to acknowledge this - and it is probably worth trying to find ways to make this a positive experience for your children rather than to ignore it and run the risk of problems which might then develop into greed or jealousy.

Not sure i have explained myself well here - sorry .

catastrojb · 02/02/2010 13:09

ooh, x-posted with loads of people! sorry...

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