How peed off would you be with your in-laws if they promised birthday money to your child and 3 months later had still not given it?

[SingingAngel]

6 year olds birthday.

They gave her a small sort of £5 gift about a week after the birthday and promised her that 'that was just a little somthing for now' and that they would be giving her some money.

3 months later...... nothing.

Don't know what to think really. What is the mumsnet view?

I feel for you.

I have a set of GPs like this. I have 2 siblings and it was very unfair when we were growing up. e.g. When we turned 18, PFB got £500. A couple of years later I got £50 and then last of all lil bro got £25.

My parents never really tackled them on it, its just too difficult to make unfair people see that they're being unfair. My stepmum (their DIL) was very good at intercepting the money and spreading it out between us, and helped us all to learn to see it as GPs being rather silly rather than dwelling on it/getting bitter. I think my stepmum was pretty outraged on our behalf on several occasions! But it was a good example of 'how not to go about present giving' and it didn't do any of us any harm.

If it's typical behaviour from them then I'd ignore it.
I don't buy my nephews presents of equal value. OK not a huge difference but I think deciding you must spend exactly the same on all young relatives regardless of what they like/ what you see/ what they need is a very materialistic view of present giving where the money is the important thing not the present.
As the kids get older you just explain that granny and grandad don't give everyone the same in presents, but that that doesn't matter.
If as the kids get older they remember that granny said she'd give them some money and she hasn't I would remind them, but wouldn't leave it more than a fortnight.

I guess the problem really is that they have been so mean to both me and my dh over the years, that our relationship with them now is very distant even though they live 5mins away.

There is not a hope in hell that dh would ever be able to discuss something like this with them.

Then don't let them screw your life up any further. Bank any cheques and split the money how you want to, and you can probably think of where you'd like to stick the pot plant When your dc are older you can explain but for now I would vet any presents that arrive and distribute them how you see fit.

In that case I'd be glad they remember to get the kids presents and not expect much from them. As kids we realised that some relatives were much more into the whole present buying thing than others, and sometimes the relatives we loved most were the ones most likely to completely forget, but to buy something great if/when they remembered.

I think an agreement between the children that the birthday present is split each birthday is the best way forward. So on dd1's b'day they might all get 50 quid, on ds' a tube of bubbles to share? At least that way it's fair!

YANBU

And I can't beleive anyone thinks it is ok for grandparents, or parents for that matter to spend more on one child / grandchild than another. When I was little, my stepnan used to spend loads on my half sisters, and get me nothing. It was horrible, not becuase I especially cared about the presents, but because I felt like she didn't like me. SHe started buying me presents when I was 21, long after I really gave a toss.

In this situation, I would leave it, and, if it continues as the children are older, involve them in sharing out presents so it is fair.

I'd be disappointed. You just want your child to be appreciated, we all want that and it's sad when grandparents seem offhand and dismissive of them. However I wouldn't give it much headspace at all because it sounds all part of a bigger picture of a difficult/distant relationship.

I think with children, you just need to focus on those people in their lives who do appreciate them, and just let people like this fall into the background. It's their loss, in the long term, imo.

My grandparents can be like this, although they love all of us, I have got more money as PFB from both sides, this has got worse as time has gone on I think as I have hubby and 2 kids and siblings don't .

Mum and Dad used to give the person who had missed out the extra from their own money to make up but have stopped this in the last couple of years. I still get more money but I always tell siblings and say I will split. Last time they all said they didn't want a split but we are probably the skintist at the mo.

DS as PFB has also got more monetary gifts than DD, he is too young to know anything about this and anything that is unfair I split between their bank accounts.

People are like this sometimes they won't change, so you can get madder and madder about it or you can just accept it. I would big up their good points to the dd's/ds's and brush over the bad points. If nothing else, the inconsistent present giving in the future is a good lesson in presents being a GIFT not a right, and on how to cope with disappointment. We are a bit inconsistent like this in my family, whereas dh's family are reliable and consistent. And a fiver spending money for a six year old could be alot more enjoyed than a badly bought more expensive gift they never get out of the box.

Singing Angel I can totally sympathise with you as I have a similar issue with my in-laws. They seem to show favouritism towards my daughter (6 years old) and always bought generous gifts for her birthday. My son (4 years old) has just had his birthday and they sent a card with £5 in it.

Like you say, it wouldn't be so bad if they treated the children equally (although what can you buy for £5 these days!) and likeways they are not strapped for cash. The day after his birthday, they called from their holiday in Hawaii - not to wish my son a happy birthday but to relate how fantastic flying first class had been. I was fuming!

I'm sorry I don't have any useful advice. My husband will call his dad when they get back from their holiday - he was embarrassed too, especially as the presents were opened in front of my family.

ilovestrictly, I can totally relate to that - my IL showed us the film of their recent round the world cruise, film of them all dressed up to the nines in evening wear going in to dine with the captain on the world's biggest cruise ship - they bought their grandchild back a tiny plastic soldier figure, the sort of thing that honestly comes out of a (cheap) christmas cracker

DS to his eternal credit was pleased with it and thanked them nicely

It's not about expecting presents, or thinking they are a right - I am the first to say that we should never expect - it's just that I am genuinely at a loss to understand how people can not be more generous when they are treating themselves to an incredibly luxurious time and money is not an issue. It's meanness I don't understand. Lack of generosity. I just don't get it, personally.

I would be extremely cross if either of my children was ungrateful at being given a fiver, I must admit.

A fiver can buy -
bubbles
a rattle
a drawing book
lovely quality drawing pencils
paints or playdough
a teddy
a jigsaw
Barry M nailvarnish
earrings
nice cheese
olive oil
cake making stuff
beer

loads of things suitable for many ages!

Agree with others that it has been 3 months, and your dd has forgotten, so you should leave it.

But in future, seems to me this should be your dh's 'battle' as they are his parents.

What does he think? How does he respond? Does he say anything to them?

It maybe that this behaviour/treatment becomes a 'life lesson' for your dc - but wait until they notice/comment to have a chat about it. Don't sow any seeds of discontent by making your feelings known to dd.