to ask for my money from this child?

[missismac]

Background:

Daughter age 14 wanted to take her group of friends Iceskating for her birthday. Her group is big - 14 girls altogether. I said that I would buy the tickets in a block to ensure they all got in at the time she wanted (restricted places), but that her friends had to pay for their own tickets. We would then treat them all to a birthday chinese takeaway & a dvd when they got back to our house. I checked this with as many parents of the girls as I knew & all agreed this was completely acceptable.

All went well except for one girl who didn't pay. She's from a fairly well off family. Transferred to our comp from local independent school last Sept. In general she's been quite extravagant with gifts etc since joining the school. & seems to have quite a cavalier attitude with money.

Finally today, 10 days after the event, & after me nagging daughter (which I didn't feel good about) for a week. The girl gave my daughter the money. But only part of it. The cost was £11.50 per person, she gave my girl £10.

So, do I shrug my shoulders & go "ach, it's £1.50 - let it go". or do I stand by the principle? I'm quite hacked off at this girl, & don't see why she should get her ticket cheaper than everyone else, subsidised by me. Equally I don't want to put my girl through the embarrassment of having to nag (and she will have to) her classmate for £1.50.

Advice please wise ones - what would you do?

I wouldn't have paid for them all, Verity, each to their own eh

I have never heard of invitations where you actually have to pay??!!

I don't think you invite people to something and then expect them to pay TBH, but in the OP's circumstances, I would certainly let the £1.50 drop - how embarrasing for your daughter!

We took some of DDs friends skating for her last birthday (16th), and one or two expected to pay for their own tickets, and all of them expcted to pay for lunch (sandwiches and a drink in the cafe) afterwards - I was quite surprised but apprently it's quite common once they get to 14 or 15.

I would never expect to host a party where children contribute money. She should have asked fewer and you could have picked up the tab. If my dd came home and asked for money to attend a party, I would think that was a cheek tbh. A trip out together sure but not a party. Definitely do not chase 1.50, did everyone else have the exact money? I would have been embarrassed asking them for it.

I can't believe that £1.50 is an issue FFS.

Get over it, you will upset your DD.

Just don't invite her again (or anybody else who don't pay up front, God forbid.)

this is a joke, right?

If this girl had been me as a teenager my parents wouldn't have given me the money (wouldn't see it as their job/believe that they should pay for another girl's party).
They were perfectly happy to give me money for things they thought were "reasonable" so I wouldn't have appeared as "poor".

My friends did have parties where they expected attendees to pay for part of the cost. In these cases I roped together my share by not eating and saving my lunch money until I had enough. Which did in some cases mean I must have come over as pretty flakey (and sometimes didn't get the full cost together). Twas shit.

If I was your DD I think I'd have just given you the money out of my own pocket and said it was from the other girl just to keep you off my back TBH. How embarassing to have to keep chasing a seemingly reasonably wealthy new friend for cash, it must feel like scrounging.

Surely if you were happy to pay for Chinese for them all to ensure DD had a good birthday you would also be happy to absorb the shortfall of the underpaying girl to make life easier on your DD? Just chalk it up to the cost of the birthday event, if you'd spent the £1.50 on a bag or prawn crackers that went uneaten or something it would be a total non-issue.

OP, I'm not sure if everyone has read the whole thread, but from what I understood, a large group of girls went skating for your daughter's birthday, by themselves, which you arranged, booked and paid for, and each girl paid you back.
You later paid for a Chinese for them all and a DVD.

I think what you organised sounds great and appropriate, and I'd have probably done the same.
Ok, you could have let your daughter go with a small group of friends, and covered the entire cost - and maybe you asked her if she wanted to do this - but at 14, I remember being part of a large group, and it would have been awkward and embarrassing for me to choose who to take, without offending anyone.

Round here, you get girls being treated to day-long limousine parties at age 13, no expense spared...all very showy and extravagant, but don't even get me started on that. What you arranged sounds lovely - just what I would have enjoyed aged 14.

stressheaderic - thanks for that. I think you're right, from the sounds of it quite a few late joiners to the debate haven't read the whole thread, or haven't read the OP properly. I seem to be taking a bit of a hammering for the choices I've made about my DD's birthday celebration now!

So, just to clarify & defend myself a bit; The 'party' bit was a chinese & dvd which we agreed to pay for. The extra was DD's wish to go skating with her friends. I only paid for these tickets as a way to ensure they could all get into the same session together - they were always going to have to buy their own tickets for this, much as they would any other Saturday of the year if they wanted to go skating together.

This kind of arrangement has become quite common this year amongst her friends. We are by no means the first ones to do it. It's now considered to be normal around here. However when she was younger I may have been just as surprised and, may I say, as judgmental as some of you later posters seem to be.

I didn't really ask for comments or judgements on how I arranged DD's birthday, more was I being unreasonable about the other girl. I was. You told me. I accepted it & readily took the advice offered. I'm not petty. I would never want to cause my daughter embarrassment by 'making' her chase the girl for money.

Please read the whole thread before you come for me with all guns blazing. I'm not perfect, but I think some of you have been unnecessarily harsh in your judgements of me, and may have got the wrong end of the stick.

Missimac- Just to say that when I was around your daughter's age my friends and I often celebrated our birthday's in a similar way, and it would be accepted that we would pay for our own tickets. I don't see any kind of problem with that at all. As you say, it's just like a group of girls going to the cinema or whatever on any saturday, I wouldn't compare the ice-skating bit to a 'party' that needs to be paid for.

The money bit would annoy me as well, but I agree with the others that it's best to let it go.

Yes, VerityTb - I wasn't meaning you (should've said - sorry ). Thanks for saying you'd mis-read it. I really appreciated that, & the advice you gave.

Thanks maryz & pozzled - was hoping we weren't alone in doing this in our corner of the UK!

Agree about writing off the £1.50 but YANBU to have got them to pay for their own skating tickets.

DD1 is 15 and her group of friends are now all turning 16. Luckily they are not going in for this 'sweet 16' rubbish. They all just to out together for a meal, each paying for their own - the parents don't get involved at all.

I can't wait for DDs birthday - it's going to the the cheapest yet

Oh no, don't talk about the 21st!

In 5 years time DD1 will be 21 followed three weeks later by DD2's 18th then later that year will be DH's 50th.

That's on top of the fact that my brilliantly timed gap between chiildren means I'll have them at Uni for 6 years straight.