Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to ask for my money from this child?

70 replies

missismac · 01/02/2010 16:45

Background:

Daughter age 14 wanted to take her group of friends Iceskating for her birthday. Her group is big - 14 girls altogether. I said that I would buy the tickets in a block to ensure they all got in at the time she wanted (restricted places), but that her friends had to pay for their own tickets. We would then treat them all to a birthday chinese takeaway & a dvd when they got back to our house. I checked this with as many parents of the girls as I knew & all agreed this was completely acceptable.

All went well except for one girl who didn't pay. She's from a fairly well off family. Transferred to our comp from local independent school last Sept. In general she's been quite extravagant with gifts etc since joining the school. & seems to have quite a cavalier attitude with money.

Finally today, 10 days after the event, & after me nagging daughter (which I didn't feel good about) for a week. The girl gave my daughter the money. But only part of it. The cost was £11.50 per person, she gave my girl £10.

So, do I shrug my shoulders & go "ach, it's £1.50 - let it go". or do I stand by the principle? I'm quite hacked off at this girl, & don't see why she should get her ticket cheaper than everyone else, subsidised by me. Equally I don't want to put my girl through the embarrassment of having to nag (and she will have to) her classmate for £1.50.

Advice please wise ones - what would you do?

OP posts:

compo · 01/02/2010 17:15

definitely let it go
if your poor dd keeps having to nag then the pair of them might fall out, the other girl probably feels really embarassed already

chocolateorange · 01/02/2010 17:16

in instances like this I think you need to take children out of the picture and go straight to the parents if you're talking about money owed.

at 14 i'd consider her a child and talk to her parents. but to be honest, id leave it.

SoupDragon · 01/02/2010 17:18

"I checked this with as many parents of the girls as I knew & all agreed this was completely acceptable."

Did you check with the parents of this girl?
Could it be that they didn't know and she had to ask them for the money and they tutted at having to pay for their DD to go to a "party" and gave her a tenner?

Original poster

missismac · 01/02/2010 17:19

OK, thanks guys - I'll take your advice and let it go (albeit through gritted teeth! )

VerityTB - yes, I know what you mean, but as they're all 13 &14 I didn't go with them (daughter gave me withering look when I mooted it!). they took themselves on the bus, so I ordered & paid for tickets online.

Blanchet - daughter said that wasn't situation. Girl just said "here's your money K", & handed it over clearly not expecting to give any more. Daughter has said that we're unlikely to get any more out of girl because she's so flakey .

skybluewinking - her parents are impossible to get hold of so don't know if they're cavalier with money. Goodness knows I & several other parents have tried over the last few months. Girl arrived at school in Sept & immediately started boasting about having a big party (which she did, very OTT for what our kids are used to & all funded by invisible parents who weren't present) & how much money all her friends from private school had. Was very amused that a 'nanny' means something very different to most kids at our comp (i.e. Granny).

Also she's definitely not being bullied - daughter's social group is very strong & DD would have mentioned if girl was having any trouble.

I don't have much time for this girl do I? In fact, as I type I'm seeing that this is about more than her attitude to owing money & that I'm very uncomfortable with her attitudes altogether. I'll drop the £1.50 thing (on your advice) - you're all right, & in my heart of hearts I knew it -just needed you lovely ladies to make me see sense. In a way I'm glad though as it's made DD see her friend as the flake she is. She'll think twice before trusting her again, as will I.

OP posts:

dinkystinky · 01/02/2010 17:20

let it go

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 01/02/2010 17:21

No way get petty about £1.50

At that age I remember spending 50p of school trip money one sweets and pretending I'd lost it. Might not your daughter/ her friends be doing the same?

Original poster

missismac · 01/02/2010 17:26

SoupDragon - no, parents of this girl impossible to get hold of. I don't think they're the tutting sort though. Girl usually gives birthday gifts of around £30-40 value , and always has plenty of money to spend.

Think girl just didn't bother to remember that she owed me money, & then, how much she owed. No malice in it/ her, just different attitude to money.

OP posts:

Veritythebrave · 01/02/2010 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ElizabethWakefield · 01/02/2010 17:29

I'd let it go.

I also agree with SoupDragon, if DD is going to a party/birthday outing I would normally presume it was free unless told otherwise. (Just because that's how it has always been in our case)

diddl · 01/02/2010 17:29

OP, what gift did your daughter get?
Was it worth a tenner plus a meal

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 01/02/2010 17:32

Why keep banging on about how loaded her parents are?

If she has moved from private to state at that age maybe they are having problems but still trying to 'keep face'

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 01/02/2010 17:32

I would let it go and maybe next time have a smaller party that you can fund. Surely if invited you don't pay for your own ticket?

diddl · 01/02/2010 17:34

Well that´s the thing here-if we can´t afford the party it doesn´t happen!

It would have been either or and for less girls!

CantSupinate · 01/02/2010 17:37

I dunno, I think parents' income is relevant. If you can see a family is skint then you feel charitable about their contribution; else if they won't pay their agreed share it's taking the piss, isn't it?

But she is a teenager, eh? And they're not exactly renowned for social graces or consideration of others. So time to muster one's powers of tolerance and forebearance (and otherwise suck up to the £1.50 loss).

Original poster

missismac · 01/02/2010 17:39

diddl - Nope. Just asked, she didn't get her anything! But she did buy them all crispy-creme doughnuts - 24 of them!

ElizabethWakefield - DD issued printed invites which made it absolutely clear that they needed to pay for the ice skating (if they were coming) & we would do the chinese & dvd. Also I had emailed & phoned most of the parents in her group to check they were OK with this. her parents seem to be uncontactable. Was no-way we could pay for 14 of them to skate - £160 is not a reasonable budget for a normal birthday. Not for us anyway .

OP posts:

skybluewinking · 01/02/2010 18:49

Hi Missimac,
I think the party sounds great, and no probs at all with asking them to pay for the skating bit, But....
I do have a problem with how the girl is perceived. As I read your post I realised that it was because my brothers had to move from independent to state. One was fine, made friends, fitted in from the start. The other one, (more insecure to start with) went in with a terrible attitude, being grandiose, showing off, behaving as if we had tons of disposable cash, (we didn't, he nicked stuff to give to friends ) was shattered by it, and I don't think ever really got over it.
So, my thin skin re this I guess, but my heart goes out to the girl.

Original poster

missismac · 02/02/2010 10:26

Aww, skybluewinking - your poor brother. Your tale has made me reconsider. There do seem to be parallels between his behaviour & that of this girl. Maybe it's time to let go of my self righteous indignation & be a little more charitable toward this her. Will try harder

OP posts:

TheSmallClanger · 02/02/2010 10:35

Deal directly with the parents next time, if you can. It's unlikely that a girl that age is really in control of her own finances to any degree at all, and nagging via your DD might affect friendships.

Having said that, it wouldn't surprise me if she had spent the £1.50 on something she wasn't meant to.

porcamiseria · 02/02/2010 10:43

SWEET JESUS you are annpoyed about £1.50? get a grip!!!!!

porcamiseria · 02/02/2010 10:45

sorry have just read the following:

in instances like this I think you need to take children out of the picture and go straight to the parents if you're talking about money owed.

people this is for £1.50, not £150, not £15

!!!!

Maleeka · 02/02/2010 10:47

What we tend to do at our school if our kids want a lot of their mates to come to a do, is invite a few closest friends to the event, ice skating, cinema , whatever and pay for them, then have the others round for a cheapo sleepover, sainsburys pizza and chips kinda thing.

During these tight times, it seems to work out fine and then no one gets the hump . Then again they are in year 6 so around 10 or 11, so maybe if they were older it wouldnt work out so well.

pigletmania · 02/02/2010 10:49

Yes i agree with the majority just let it go, not worth the hassle it will cause and might create bad feeling between your dd and the girl.

lilylu22 · 02/02/2010 11:22

Let it go. I would presume that it was appropriate etiquette to pay for the tickets of the guests of any party I held.

TBH you sound incredibly petty and childish speaking about this poor girl's party.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 02/02/2010 11:51

of course let it go. I think instead of pursuing 1.50 from a teenager you should use this as a bit of a learning experience - personally, I would have kept it to a few closest friends who I would have been happy to pay for. It is very unusual imo to have to pay to go along to a birthday thing. I'd rather take less, and pay.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 02/02/2010 11:54

I also think you are judging this girl incredibly harshly over a few quid - calling her a 'flake' - really? Did you check with this girl's parents and make it crystal clear to them they'd have to pay for her? Did you speak to them? If not, you are being very unfair.

Flip

1 2 3