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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have dumped this guy?

59 replies

solongiwonderiftheychangedit · 31/01/2010 16:33

Seeing this guy for a while. He was ok just a few iffy things that bugged me. After we became er, intimate. He would not cuddle me or touch me because he was "too hot" and didn't like to touch me until I was "cleaned up". I eventually became quite upset by this and showed it, he said that I was overreacting and really could not see the problem. Actually ended up making me feel as though I was being totally high maintenance and it is still bothering me and I am wondering if I was and it is only a small thing that I shouldn't get worked up about.

Have name changed as embarassed. Actually would like some opinions on this and some ideas as to what kind of fuckwittedness that is, psychologically I mean.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 31/01/2010 19:43

I once read an explanation of this deeply annoying flaw that some men have that compared it to eating a large meal.

The book said, everybody likes food, and when we're hungry we imagine ourselves eating food, and don't feel happy until we've eaten. But then immediately afterwards we don't want to look at food or even think about it until we are hungry again.

I daresay this 'sex as food' syndrome is very common in young men and tossers, but adult, loving men should not do this.

My DP was a bit like this when we first met but I shaped him up very quickly and for the last 10 years it's him who needs his hugs to fall asleep, and wouldn't have it any other way. It makes you feel so used doesn't it.

maristella · 31/01/2010 19:49

well done for getting rid op!
he sounds like the kind of guy who, further down the line, would have had no respect for you simply because you are with him.
fools like him deserve to get their spunk back!!

Original poster

solongiwonderiftheychangedit · 31/01/2010 19:58

"I kind of thought you would post something like that - he doesnt see women as fully human or worthy of any respect." Well that actually exactly describes my ex husband.

The one I am actually posting about though used to call me fairly offensive names in conversation and then say he was just joking. Things like tart, bitch etc. Say we were having a laugh about something and I got the better of him that is how he would respond. I told him I didn't feel comfortable with it and he said he was just joking and didn't mean it. Combined with everything else pingviner I am beginning to think he does actually match your description. However he would speak very respectfully about women he worked with who were high achieving etc. It doesn't really all add up does it? Maybe it is only women he is in relationships that he despises. Maybe these high achieving women seem untouchable so he is able to respect them. Does that make any sense? Also wives and girlfriends of his friends were usually talked about very respectfully.

Can you tell I am thinking of taking a degree in Psychology?

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 31/01/2010 20:01

Completely mental man, quite possibly dangerous or heading in that direction. Men who have a deep hatred of women are not good dating material (I hesitate to say they should basically be locked up in boxes till they get some sense but...).
Some people do have various types of OCD that can mean they get a bit uncomfortable with body fluids and have to run off and wash after sex, for instance, but people who have OCD are not generally deliberately offensive about it, like this man seems to be.

nickytwotimes · 31/01/2010 20:05

Jesus, you are well shot of him.

That is weird.

He has major issues, probably misogynistic rather than OCD by the sounds of it.

dittany · 31/01/2010 20:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 31/01/2010 20:25

Jeez... you could write a whole thesis on that man's issues.

Post him a copy of anything by Kate Millet. I expect he'll spontainiously combust and you'll save the next poor woman.

Can I put 50p on him having an unhealthily dependent relationship with his mother and some sort of porn obsession too?

pingviner · 31/01/2010 20:34

I think it does add up- hes divided women into madonnas vs whores, just by being sexually active (with him?) you go into one if his categories and suddenly its alright to treat you like shit...

I stand by what I said - hes got a problem relating to women as humans. He might be subtle about it but hes shown you what he thinks - jokey tart and bitch comments, an attitude of no way can you get the better of him/mock him without retaliation? Or was it a possession thing? your behaviour etc should be an extension of his so you werent allowed to threaten his pwecious ego by being an equal?

Again just speculative but serious fuckwittedness all the same

Original poster

solongiwonderiftheychangedit · 31/01/2010 20:41

Pingviner I think you have hit the nail on the head with this "hes divided women into madonnas vs whores, just by being sexually active (with him?) you go into one if his categories and suddenly its alright to treat you like shit..."

What was scary about him though, was when I got upset about his attitude he managed really smoothly to turn it back on me. He looked at me like I was completely crazy and continued to do so for about an hour. Wasn't even defensive just totally certain that his behaviour was fine and it was my reaction that was the problem. Was quite cold and punishing towards me, but not TOO much in case I told him to stick it, I should imagine. Was cleverly done because I was so unsure that I had to post here about it. Crazy.

OP posts:

Cloudbase · 31/01/2010 20:44

Oh you are so well rid of him! So much of his behaviour reminds me of my Ex DP and I strongly suspect that if you had stayed with him, you would have had a very high chance of being in a horribly abusive relationship (although going by what you have said it was already heading that way anyway).

He sounds like a total misogynist with control issues, body issues, probably no definable sense of self, and possibly projecting himself into whichever 'lucky' lady he happens to be with until she dares to act like an actual flesh and blood woman - I suspect there would have been all kinds of lovely additional issues just waiting to come out - just breath a HUGE sigh of relief that you have followed your instincts and walked away...

dittany · 31/01/2010 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

solongiwonderiftheychangedit · 31/01/2010 20:55

Dittany I was considering that degree as well as psychology as have been with a couple of abusive men now, not all so I don't think I am hand picking them because of my own issues or anything but would like to understand more about what makes this men tick, this thread has been so helpful and informative to me so if that degree explores that further I would be very interested that.

"probably no definable sense of self, and possibly projecting himself into whichever 'lucky' lady he happens to be with until she dares to act like an actual flesh and blood woman". He moved things very quickly with me and was talking about a future within days. I found that strange as he had only just broken up with his wife, think he was looking for an immediate replacement and he didn't much care who it was as long as she was compliant.

I can't believe how much I have learned from this one thread alone.

OP posts:

pingviner · 31/01/2010 21:00

cloudbase is right and more would likely have happened if you had stayed -
the fact that he seems to have expertly and neatly made it somehow your issue to the point where you were doubting the appropriateness of your own feelings is pretty damn classic of someone with a huge ability to project and manipulate

Sounds like you have some good instincts though and well done for trusting them

dittany · 31/01/2010 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pingviner · 31/01/2010 21:08

I agree with dittany - womens studies might be more helpful and interesting (and I took psychology for a major part of one degree, it was interesting to a point but the best thing I can say about it was at least I learned statics)

You've said it all now he wanted a wife replacement, a generic woman, a fixture he could use to serve his needs (back to the spitoon argument)- it was never about you

Well, now hes stuck with a slutty sock that he probably has no respect for already

lematthedogs · 31/01/2010 21:43

oh he sounds HORRIBLE horrible horrible. I was going to post that actually you were being a bit unreasonable, as after sex i want my space in the bed - don't be crossing it i WANT TO GO TO SLEEP!! lol, but that is after 18 years with DP we are pretty used to each other But its the way he referred to it being your job to get rid of it - definate issues, and him calling you a bitch and a tart?? Totally unacceptable.

Original poster

solongiwonderiftheychangedit · 02/02/2010 18:46

Update to this. Have had a text message saying he thinks that finishing things was too hasty and can he see me again?

Also he has a few possessions of mine at his place and I would quite like them back. What is the etiquette on this? I haven't done this kind of thing for so long. Should I see him again to get them back? Or would you just let them go. Nothing expensive, just some toiletries and books.

OP posts:

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 02/02/2010 18:51

Just ask him to post the stuff? I don't see an issue with picking them up though, nothing for you to be embarrassed about. But, seriously, condoms!

dittany · 02/02/2010 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

solongiwonderiftheychangedit · 02/02/2010 18:53

I finished it Dittany. I won't weaken, especially after everything I have read on this thread.

OP posts:

starshaker · 02/02/2010 18:56

What a toatal wanker. Well he will be now anyway and he will need to clean up his own mess

dittany · 02/02/2010 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

solongiwonderiftheychangedit · 02/02/2010 19:03

Ok, will do. Will just respond pleasantly to text message and arrange an informal drop in or something. Thanks.

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 02/02/2010 19:10

Wow, lucky escape OP, the man has Ishoos.

dittany · 02/02/2010 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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