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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry with my mother in law?

41 replies

LukeyBsMum · 31/01/2010 11:37

When my DS 22m visits my MIL and her sister who live together they spoil him rotten entertain him constantly and are completely manic.
I understand they love him very much.
Yesterday we asked if they would like to look after him for a couple of hours while we spend some time together, because they constantly pester us about when they can see him, but actually never ever visit us.

Of course they jumped at the chance which I am very grateful, but when he comes home he is very naughty.

Last night it took me an hour and a half to get him into bed despite following our normal calm bedtime routine, he bit me hit me twice and kicked me! He is normally very loving and caring and would never do this.

Back to normal today of course but what do I do? My DP has tried to talk to them nicely but they are very defensive and list everything they have done during the day which is up to them I trust them to look after him but they are just mental the whole time. HELP??

OP posts:

ilove · 31/01/2010 11:40

You can't have it both ways. Be grateful they adore him and will take him off your hands so you can have "couple time". In fact, let them have him over night so THEY get to do the manic bedtime routine!

ConnieComplaint · 31/01/2010 11:41

Um, kind of a difficult one I think.

On one hand, you asked them to help you out, so part of me says you should suck it up & take what comes afterwards....

the other part of me thinks that they should respect what you ask of them..

So, all in all, I'm absolutely no help!

rubyslippers · 31/01/2010 11:41

YABU to be angry

they gave you some much needed time out

you can't and shouldn't do anything and if you don't like the way they look after him then don't let them do it!

i am not surprised they were defensive - they probably thought you and your DP were really ungrateful

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 31/01/2010 11:42

Did they load him up with sugar or something? the biting and kicking sounds like he's overtired and overstimulated. Does he have a nap after seeing them? sounds like you need to make the house very peaceful when he gets home, to let him readjust.

Maybe you could send him over with some new books or relaxing toys/puzzles so it doesn't get so mental?

LIZS · 31/01/2010 11:43

yabu . You either want the break or not . He's too little to understadn inconsistency and will react however they treat him.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 31/01/2010 11:43

I agree with ilove.
I had the same problem with my own mother and as long as you are consistent it doesn't last forever.
He is coming back over tired, over excited after a great day being spoilt a bit but he is still very young to deal with all this properly.

DC's still get hyped up and spoilt by my parents but are a bit older now and I have less of the problems with fall out when they get home.

Original poster

LukeyBsMum · 31/01/2010 11:44

I can't let them have him overnight MIL puts him in her bed even though we ask not to and its taken me since october to get him back in his own bed as i am 30wks preg i cant have him in our bed theres no room

OP posts:

piprabbit · 31/01/2010 11:44

YABU to be angry. Your MIL and AIL are caring for your DS. He has fun and is well looked after (I'm assuming there's no physical danger as you haven't mentioned anything) - although he comes back over-excited, over-tired and therefore over-emotional.

It's good for children to spend time in alternative environments from thier home - it makes transitions to nursery etc. much easier. You need to adjust your DSs routine a little (quicker and ignoring bad behaviour perhaps) to get him asleep faster if he's had a busy and stimulating day with in-laws.

It's what we have to do after our 20mo spends the day with his Granny and it does help.

Original poster

LukeyBsMum · 31/01/2010 11:47

I actually dont need the break i was doing it to keep them off my back i would rather he didnt go there at all he is so well behaved normally and is no probs and i work through the week and would love to have him all weekend actually

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 31/01/2010 11:49

so, if you don't need the break and you know he is going to come back all hyped up what are you moaning about?!

i think there is more to it than this

do you not like your MIL?

FWIW, if you have child no. 2 on the way you will be incredibly grateful for any help anyone offers - believe me ...

Original poster

LukeyBsMum · 31/01/2010 11:52

i cant stop him going he loves them and they love him but they dont listen to us when he is there its like we dont exist because he is the main focus, even when i ask a question nobody answers me or if i try and put his coat on they take it off me like im not capable. he goes to child minder 3 days a week where he attends play group has loads of fun is very sociable etc and goes to my parents 1 day a week and comes back normal

OP posts:

Original poster

LukeyBsMum · 31/01/2010 11:57

i just dont think its normal for a well behaved child to come home like a different boy. yes the other issue is MIL doesn't like me as my DP is her only son and we have been on and off since age 17 when she used to make me feel completely un welcome and once called me a little bitch while he was not there and now is all over me like a rash since i had DS i just think its all wierd really

OP posts:

ConnieComplaint · 31/01/2010 12:00

If you don't need a break then you're very lucky!

But I thought you sent him to MIL so you & Dh could have some couple time?

I used to feel the way you do about my ILs, until I realised they they loved the kids, spoiling them was their way of showing them they were loved, and who the hell was I to put an end to something that happened once a month!!! Now I just let them all get on with it - and the dcs stay over night with them so they know not to force feed them fizzy drinks etc as it's them who have to put up with it

ConnieComplaint · 31/01/2010 12:03

I am married to an only son too... I'm also a different religion to Dh (And his family obviously) and my MIL hated me for a couple of years when we first met.... right up until after our wedding, then we seemed to gel again.

Then dd came along & she really got on my tits, force feeding her choc buttons when she was about 6 months, buying her a bike before she could walk etc... really stupid things.

I realised after a while that it was just her way, you know?

DD is 8 now & we have a ds & I can honestly say I get on fine with MIL now, I know where she's at if I need anything at all & she knows she can buy the children whatever she wants & there won't be rown like there were in the old days!!

Original poster

LukeyBsMum · 31/01/2010 12:07

we told them we need couple time so we didnt have to stay really i know thats mean but my DP wont even go there without me says he needs moral support as they are so overbearing, i cant explain fully what they are like so i suppose it does look like im being a horrible cow.

im sure they mean well but i dont know how to get them to understand or listen to me.

MIL has informed me she has taken a week off for whenever the new baby comes which i never asked for and i know she is trying to help but i will now feel presurised into having her round for a week when my DP is going to be off any way

OP posts:

heQet · 31/01/2010 12:11

he's 22 months old. You had best prepare yourself. The tantrums are coming. esp with the new baby and all the feelings the interloper brings ! It's normal.

re spoiling your son, find me a loving grandparent who doesn't? , but if you feel very very strongly then you have to say do not do X, and if they do, then they don't have him again. Because they have to respect the rules you and your husband have agreed on wrt raising your child.

However, have to say, been there done that with the sugar, sleep, my child will never ... stuff and 10 yrs down the road I must tell you that very little of this stuff even matters. So the best advice I can give you is relax.

Fruitysunshine · 31/01/2010 12:11

Grandparents feel it is their perogative to spoil their grandchildren.

Children should be made a fuss over from time to time - makes them feel extra special which everyone loves occasionally.

Children get overexcited from many different things not just staying with grandma for a few hours. He is still young so cannot dope so well with it when he gets home but that does not mean they are doing anything wrong or that it should be brought to a grinding halt.

If my mother or my own grandparents listened to me and how I want my children brought up then my kids, I am sure, would be very different from how they are turning out, but thank god they don't listen to me all the time and love my kids enough to spoil them.

I think this is more about the inconvenience it causes you rather than it spoiling your child in the long term.

Let him be loved and spoiled, enjoy your couple time and be happy that he has grandparents that want to do that for him.

daisydora · 31/01/2010 12:12

Say thank you for the time she has him and let it go! Believe me, you will be glad of the break when your baby arrives.

GP's spoil their GC, its what they do. If he's hyper, he's excited it means he's had a good time. Honestly its not like its every bloody day is it?

YABU

PavlovtheCat · 31/01/2010 12:12

Not sure why it is a problem for him to stay overnight? So he sleeps in with her, but that does not mean he has to do so at home. It is a different environment, surely there is scope for some variety? Kids adapt to different situations really quickly.

For example DD stays with some friends from time to time (not lucky enough to have grandparents around to spoil her, so our friends do instead), and they let her watch a DVD before bedtime, everytime she is there. My friend snuggles with a bowl of ice cream (yes, sugar) and they watch a DVD together, then she gets tucked in bed, probably half hour later than normal. And she normally sleeps much much later than here! When she gets home, she is calm from a lovely day, and does not expect a DVD at home before bed, or ice cream, she might have asked for it once, and we said no, and that was that. She has a routine there, and a routine here. I would never impose our way completely there (they follow what we want roughly) as they are doing us a desperately needed favour and it is a treat for her.

I think, while it is hard, and difficult for a short while, YABU, as they are helping out and bonding with their much loved grandchild. you are so so lucky to have this.

I wonder if it is worth trying to put the past in the past wrt your relationship. If she is all over you like a rash now, and loves you because you provided a grandson, maybe just lap it up and be the better person? Life is too short for conflicts such as this, it is not worth it. My MIL made it clear to me that while she liked me fine, she considered me 'transitionary' that DH could swap me for another model at any time, then we had DD and she loves me! And I like her, despite her querks which i just accept. Unfortunately she is USA so cannot sit for us!

Original poster

LukeyBsMum · 31/01/2010 12:12

i honestly cant wait for the day they listen to what i have to say and we can get on probably when the kids get older and dont behave this way

OP posts:

heQet · 31/01/2010 12:15

x-post - re the coming round when you've just had the baby. It's up to you to be firm, I'm afraid. "No. It won't be possible for you to stay." and a united front!

With overbearing people, you have to stand firm. If you don't want something then say so. And mean it. And if they take offence, let them. They've got 2 choices, accept it or not. And if they choose to get the blog on, touch luck!

Original poster

LukeyBsMum · 31/01/2010 12:15

they also smoke pot but only at night time thats another reason he cant stay over as i know they have smoked it while he has been there

OP posts:

Fruitysunshine · 31/01/2010 12:18

I think the term "over-bearing" is a bit strong for doting grandparents. The 2 choices bit is also unreasonable. It works both ways surely? You cant expect them to help out with childcare as a favour then demand they do it your way?

I think that would leave a nasty taste in lots of grandparents mouths.

cory · 31/01/2010 12:21

Ime it is completely normal for a small boy to come back from a visit overexcited and unlike his usual self. This is something you're going to have to get used to over the years, whether you curtail the visits to your MIL or not. You won't be able to control his mates so that they don't overexcite him, you won't be able to make the school match less exciting so he doesn't come back hyper. Life with a small boy is not going to be a gentle flow of serene calm. He will be different when he's just with you, but after sallies into the outside world he will have periods of being completely manic.

Very understandable that you dislike your MIL, but please try to understand that this is part of your burden in life, you have no right to pass that onto him or deny him a good relationship with his gran. My Mum was constantly trying to undermine my relationship with my Gran and get me on her side because of things that had been said and done years before I was born; I resented it and still do.

As Fruity says, it is highly unlikely that they will be able to spoil him and totally change his nature in the long run. SO do you really want to deny him the love of his doting grandparents, just because it makes your own life more inconvenient?

Original poster

LukeyBsMum · 31/01/2010 12:22

i am grateful they love him and its ok to be spoilt a bit like he is at my mums but he doesnt come back naughty from anywhere else ever.

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