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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry with my mother in law?

41 replies

LukeyBsMum · 31/01/2010 11:37

When my DS 22m visits my MIL and her sister who live together they spoil him rotten entertain him constantly and are completely manic.
I understand they love him very much.
Yesterday we asked if they would like to look after him for a couple of hours while we spend some time together, because they constantly pester us about when they can see him, but actually never ever visit us.

Of course they jumped at the chance which I am very grateful, but when he comes home he is very naughty.

Last night it took me an hour and a half to get him into bed despite following our normal calm bedtime routine, he bit me hit me twice and kicked me! He is normally very loving and caring and would never do this.

Back to normal today of course but what do I do? My DP has tried to talk to them nicely but they are very defensive and list everything they have done during the day which is up to them I trust them to look after him but they are just mental the whole time. HELP??

OP posts:
daisydora · 31/01/2010 12:23

Does she get so stoned that she is incapable of looking after him then is that your concern? If so then fair enough about the over night stuff. But just relax on the day time visits

Original poster
LukeyBsMum · 31/01/2010 12:24

as i think i said i would never stop them from seeing him thats not my decision to make

OP posts:
Original poster
LukeyBsMum · 31/01/2010 12:26

Dont worry just wanted some help with how to make it easier suppose ill just have to put up with it and be miserable every time he goes there

OP posts:
Original poster
LukeyBsMum · 31/01/2010 12:28

Surely it doesnt matter how stoned she gets you cant expect to look after other peoples children and for it be ok to smoke drugs!

OP posts:
daisydora · 31/01/2010 12:32

i never said it was ok, just found it odd that you seemed to have an issue with them spoiling him in your op, but the dope was only mentioned later like it wasn't as much of a concern to you.

LIZS · 31/01/2010 12:35

I'd suggets next time you take hiom in the mroingin gf and pick him up earlier . That way he has plenty of time to wind down again before bedtime. And no, definitely not overnight with drug use . Have you told them that ?

heQet · 31/01/2010 12:36

"i am grateful they love him and its ok to be spoilt a bit like he is at my mums but he doesnt come back naughty from anywhere else ever"

Love, he's 22 months old. You just wait until he is out there in the world properly - school, playdates etc etc. how he is now, at this age, when you are able to control his environment is not how he will always be. This is the reality that it would be very helpful for your future sanity to absorb now!

"Dont worry just wanted some help with how to make it easier suppose ill just have to put up with it and be miserable every time he goes there"

Not at all. You have choices -
put up with it because you want a break
refuse to let them have him at all
ask them to behave a certain way or not have him

You are not helpless in this. You do have choices. You just need to make a decision and stand by it.

Original poster
LukeyBsMum · 31/01/2010 12:43

I didnt want to mention it really because thats up to them and i shouldnt tell other people.

its not the spoiling i dont mind a bit of that and i dont tell them what to do with him its the manic behavior from the min we get there they are OTT and jump and sing and dance constantly which is lovely but not for 3 hours.also i think is a bit strange he doesnt speak when he is there either he just points to what he wants and they get it for him they carry him everywhere to i think he does play on it a bit to because he knows they will do exactly what he wants.

as an example of what they are like, on new years eve i was in hospital for a few hours as i was bleeding at 25 weeks we asked them to sit with him which they did they were not going anywhere anyway. when i got home ay 10.40pm my DP took them home while i had to get my son who was wound up like a spring to sleep because they didnt even bother to put him to bed even though we said can they get him into bed by about 8pm latest its normally 7ish thoght he could stay up a little late as a treat. then i had to wash their dishes from tea and had to tidy the bathroom and put all his bath toys away

OP posts:
4kidsandlovingit · 31/01/2010 12:45

Maybe he needs to see a bit more of them and build up a more consistent relationship where they wont go overboard with him when they do get the chance to spend some time with him.
You say he is at a childminders for three weeks and then he sees your parents every week so they are a part of his routine.
If you could find some time for your MIL and AIL to see hime on a more regular basis then they might not try to cram so much into a short period of time.
Just be thankful that you have grandparents close enought to you to see their grandchildren on a regular basis. Both sets of GPs live miles away from us.

Original poster
LukeyBsMum · 31/01/2010 12:47

taking him in the morning is a good idea ill try that and then he can get back to normal all afternoon. we have a funeral to go to next mon they are looking after him and im a bit bothered we will come home upset and have a job getting him to bed, ill just have to tell them to stard winding down about 5pm that way we might get him to bed by 9

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Original poster
LukeyBsMum · 31/01/2010 12:51

yeah i thought that but they do work til 6 all through the week id like it if they came for tea now and again but they cant really

OP posts:
LIZS · 31/01/2010 12:51

Frankly your dh soudns pretty spineless in all this . He is the one who needs to be more assertive about it with them rather than let it all come from you.

Maybe they thought that ds would settle better once he had seen you back home. But then you didn't have to tidy up when you came back from hospital. It may not have been how you wanted it left, and they sodun thoguhtless in leaving it so, but you could have left it until next day or asked dh to do it. This is starting to come across as a bit sanctamonious and that you have a lot of resentment built up. The tidyness and need for help are things you may need to compromise on when no2 arrives.

LIZS · 31/01/2010 12:53

4 hours to get a child to bed ...? Do you normally start it at 3 then ?

Devendra · 31/01/2010 13:33

When we have children we have to accept that other people have different relationships with them.

My DS 2.5 goes to grandparents once a month overnight and comes back on his knees with tiredness because they do non stop play/park/swim visitng relatives...

He is always tired and grumpy when he comes back but they LOVE him and he LOVES going there...

He is the centre of their world while he is there and while they do things very differently from me I would never dream of asking them to not behave the way they do because I am grateful that they want to have a relationship with him and its lovely that he has his own special time with them..

You are lucky to have family that love your DS and willingly spend time with him.

cory · 31/01/2010 13:40

I can understand your concern about the dope (bit of AIBUby stealth there though) if you think there is a risk this is influencing their behaviour. I wouldn't be happy with a pair of dope-smoking grandparents tbh.

But if you are going to be miserable every time he comes back hyped up from somewhere - then how on earth are you going to cope when he goes to school? Ime all children are hyper and difficult after school for at least the first term in reception.

You do sound as if you needed to control his environment to make life as easy for yourself as possible. This really cannot work in the long run.

Original poster
LukeyBsMum · 31/01/2010 13:43

Lizs no i usually so bath and bed within an hour it takes hours when he is hyped up looks like ill have to grin and bear it!

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