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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this is a big deal?

35 replies

StellaLovesPotato · 30/01/2010 17:21

Hello all. Hope you can help, as I'm feeling really rather crap about this. I kind of know that I'm being unreasonable, that the problem is mine and not DHs, but I want to know what others think as this isn't something I want to discuss with friends or family.

We have been married for six years, together for eight, and have two gorgeous DSs. I love my husband very very much- he is kind and generous and we are good companions, make each other laugh etc. He is many many years older than me.

However...

Our sexlife has dwindled to nothing- DS2's conception was a bit of a miracle. I have a high sex drive- possibly because I'm mid twenties- and DH and I have talked at length about how I miss the intimacy of sex, and want to have more. I have cripplingly low self esteem, which he knows full well- feel fat, ugly and useless quite a lot of the time. I love having sex with DH, I feel it brings us closer.However, DH says that in recent years, his libido has disappeared. I have said to him that it would be a good idea to see a doctor about this as I think sex is important to a healthy relationship, but he hasn't gone. I know this would be hard and embarassing for him, so I didn't push it.

I accepted that our sex life was more or less dead, and that we would be one of those couples who just didn't do it- broke my heart, but I do love him.

This morning, I clicked the search box on our home computer when a list of previous searches came up. DH has been looking at porn on the net, and, though I know IBU, I feel heartbroken. He knows I am sexually frustrated, and yet he won't sleep with me, preferring to get off on net porn. I feel that, all the times we spoke about his lack of libido, he was lying to me.

He has spoken many times about his dislike of porn- muppet that I am, I believed him. I don't have a problem with porn, really- I mean, it makes me feel shit about myself that he looks at more attractive women than me- but I feel crap that he is choosing them over me. The way I look at it now, is I either stay in a relationship where my DH doesn't fancy me, shattering my confidence, or I leave a man I love and get on with.

You're going to say I'm being unreasonable, aren't you?

OP posts:
Original poster
StellaLovesPotato · 30/01/2010 17:23

Just read back my message. I sound like a twat. Obviously, the issues are my own self-esteem.

OP posts:
Ivykaty44 · 30/01/2010 17:27

yanbu

have you talked to dh about why he is doing this? why is he looking?

it has nothing at all to do with you though, it is not a reflection on how pretty you are or how slim you are or anything like that - this is his issue not yours in that way

kinnies · 30/01/2010 17:30

Can you look at what type of porn it is?
If it is a specific type then maybe he wants somthing but is ashmed to ask for it.
Of corse if that is the case then you have to think about how comfotable you feel about it.
I could be (& my moneys on this one) that he is trying to get his sex drive back as he knows how much it means to you.

Whatever you do, dont go mad at him as there is a good chance he is trying this for you.
The only way you are going to get to the bottom of this is by talking to him.

WhatNoLunchBreak · 30/01/2010 17:30

My goodness. Your self-esteem is so low that you can't even see when you're not being unreasonable!

What you have described - an ongoing sexless marriage, loss of self-esteem, your husband's lying about looking at porn - is very serious. You have every right to feel the way you do, any judgements of your husband aside.

The biggest obstacle I see is your self-esteem. If you can get help with that, then perhaps you can come to a greater acceptance of your feelings about all of this.

YANBU.

BitOfFun · 30/01/2010 17:30

YABNBU!!

He is being outrageously unfair to you.

Original poster
StellaLovesPotato · 30/01/2010 17:30

Thank you. You have made me cry. I thought I was going mad.

OP posts:
Lovecat · 30/01/2010 17:31

Not at all.

I have identical lack of sex issues in my relationship and if I found he was looking at porn I would be heartbroken, hurt and flaming angry.

However... and it's a big however, as I do sympathise deeply with you - he may find the reality of you too threatening (which is the wrong word I know, but bear with me) - with you he has to perform, as it were, he has to (well, wants to!) please you and do 'well' in bed - which in itself can be enough pressure to make him fail, which he doesn't want to do, so he avoids the bedroom, it's a vicious circle.

The porny women, however, ask nothing of him, expect nothing of him (other than his CC details?) and he can get his pleasure without feeling pressure.

It's still utterly shit for you and it must be a huge slap in the face, especially if you have low confidence in yourself to start with. I suspect that DH isn't always looking at his stocks and shares forum when he's squirrelled away in his study, but for me I'd rather not know, because it would make me so STEAMING ANGRY that I'm not sure I'd know what to do. Ostrich-like, but there you are.

I would have another chat with him as regards the doctor. DH has promised me he'll go but has yet to do so, so I'm a fine one to be giving advice, but if you be firm with him on this, perhaps suggest some sex therapy (I beleive Relate do this?) then perhaps you can get closer.

I honestly don't think it's a personal slight against you, but it's so hard not to take it that way, isn't it?

Unmumsnetty {hug} for you.

kinnies · 30/01/2010 17:32

it not I

Angelcat666 · 30/01/2010 17:32

YANBU

You do need to talk to him though. Tell him what you found and how it makes you feel and try and get him to talk to you about why he does it. Maybe some counselling would help.

wilbur · 30/01/2010 17:32

Is it possible he is looking at porn in order to try and rekindle his libido in general? It may not be about "getting off on net porn" but trying to find a way to arouse himself so that he can be a better husband to you. It's good that you have been able to talk about your lack of sex life (lots of couples just never discuss it) and I think a frank discussion with him about what you found is in order - but don't start from a position of accusation. I dislike the majority of internet porn intensely so I do not blame you for being upset, but see if you can talk about how you feel with your dh before you get any more wound up.

Original poster
StellaLovesPotato · 30/01/2010 17:33

It's not specific types of porn, just pretty size 6 chicks with tits that ain't ever fed a baby!

OP posts:
kinnies · 30/01/2010 17:37

Lovecat
You are making a few assumptions here.
The op's situation may not be the same as yours.

Op I do agree that you need to work on your self esteam.
What do you like about yourself?
What do others like about you?

Original poster
StellaLovesPotato · 30/01/2010 17:38

I talked to him about it this morning- He just looked sheepish and said sorry, couldn't explain to me why he has a sex drive for them and not for me. I am not really angry, just upset and all confidence gone. I have spent today considering leaving- drastic I know, I probably won't but this sex thing is getting to be such an issue now- I will feel shitter than shit undressing in front of him when I know that the girls he searches out on the web are opposite of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
StellaLovesPotato · 30/01/2010 17:39

kinnies I think I'm a good person, over-sensitive but kind, and a good mum. Too mumsy perhaps?

OP posts:
Lovecat · 30/01/2010 17:40

I may well be, kinnies, but so are you, and isn't that what this is for, to exchange experiences and hope they might help?

Given we're both suggesting the OP talks more to her DH, I'm not sure why you're picking on me.

LadyBiscuit · 30/01/2010 17:44

Solidgold always says something very helpful on these sorts of threads and I shall paraphrase in a less elegant way - that one person in a LTR cannot arbitrarily decide that there is no more sex in your relationship and expect the other person to just accept that. You have a right to have your sexual needs satisfied and your DH should acknowledge that. You're in your 20s - you can't possibly spend the rest of your life never having sex again. So either he addresses it or accepts that you get your satisfaction elsewhere. It's really unfair on you otherwise.

He may be using porn as a way of kickstarting his libido, he may not be. The issue is that if he isn't talking to you about it then you don't know do you? You really need to tell him how unhappy the lack of sex is making you and I'd tell him you found the porn too - I think you need to have a warts and all conversation.

kinnies · 30/01/2010 17:49

I'm not picking on you Lovecat.
I thought your posts were kind.
Sorry if I came across snappy. Def not how I ment it.

Op, He is BU and a an insensative twit to boot.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 30/01/2010 18:11

YANBU and your own low self esteem is making you believe you are.
But (i'm sorrry there is one) sometimes people (and often men especially) can have no general sex drive but need a kind of tension release and use masturbation for it also alongside this use porn to achieve that release. I is often not a particularly sexual arousal more a release in one way or another and not at all a reflection of his feelings towards you.

However I do agree that you are still young and cannot spend the rest of your life in a marriage with no sex. He needs to find a way to meet you in the middle with this and find a way out the other side. Yes it may make him blush but he loves you and a visit to the dr may be what is needed to find a way around this.

Also it is easier to get your libido back if you are actually having sex. Often the more you do it the more in the mood for it you are. Would he consider booking in some sex, not very romantic I know but it honestly can help a lot if you actually start having sex again to feel more in the mood it is far too easy to let it slip and not miss it much.

vvvodka · 30/01/2010 18:15

you are eing perfectly reasonable

He is being unreasonable

fernie3 · 30/01/2010 18:19

YANBU I have no problem with pornin general BUT if it is ONLY porn and no sex with you then that is something that needs to be addressed. I would ask him straight why he doesnt want to sleep with you and if he tries to brush it off I would start to consider how serious he is about saving your relationship.

UpYourViva · 30/01/2010 18:29

As others have said, you cant spend the rest of your life knowing you'll never have sex again. Also, if this situation is making you feel so down then id question the whole relationship in general, you deserve to be happy and feel confident about yourself. Having said that, you need to talk to your DH as there may be much more to it and maybe he is a little embarrased.

imgonnaliveforever · 30/01/2010 18:31

YANBU. Why on earth do you NOT have a problem with porn? If you spent all day looking at pictures of chocolate cake, don't you think that might make you a bit more tempted to try some? And porn is not typically normal healthy sex, it's degrading stuff and typically makes men desire their wives less rather than more.

YANBU for wanting to have sex - it is an essential part of marriage. Probably the porn is what's causing the problems.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/01/2010 18:36

Well, in some cases he might be looking at porn in order to find out if his willy still works - and that would explain him being secretive about it - it doesn;t have to mean that he is Betraying You. There could also have been an issue of him having a particular sexual preference that either you don't like or he's too embarassed to ask yo uto engae in (but you said it was fairly generic naked-woman stuff).
But I think you have to tell him that it's time he put some effort into sorting out the relationship, because he deson't seem to be trying very hard to address your unhappiness. So really, he needs to consider counselling/seeing the GP or agreeing that you can look for sex elsewhere, end of.

Original poster
StellaLovesPotato · 31/01/2010 11:56

Thank you guys. We had a big warts-and-all conversation last night, during which he apologised unreservedly for hurting me, and said he's do anything to keep me etc. I stood up for myself as I've never done before, mainly because your replies to my post made me realize I wasn't being unreasonable. It's a sad state of affairs that I need that reassurance before I can stand up for myself, but I am determined to do something about that now- Can't ley my 2DSs grow up with a mum that reckons she's rubbish.

We are going to give it time to see if we can work through this, whether I can carry on with him though I don't know that I can trust him, and whether he can stand knowing that I don't trust him with my feelings.

I love him very, very much. I believe he loves me. I hope that will prevail.

Thank you for your help.

OP posts:
teaandcakeplease · 31/01/2010 20:08

I've only just seen your post but if things don't improve over the next weeks or so. Going to Relate for sex therapy (if he is prepared to agree), it's a big step to do and will be hard, but maybe the way forward for you both, I think if you cannot work through this on your own, having a trained counsellor who can help you both understand each other better and mediate in a way, maybe a big help. It's a traditional British thing to shy away from this sort of thing (I know I'm generalising here) as it's embarrassing, but it's such an important area in a relationship.

[[http://www.relate.org.uk/sex-therapy/index.html Relate web link]

Good luck x

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