to think that this is a big deal?

[StellaLovesPotato]

Hello all. Hope you can help, as I'm feeling really rather crap about this. I kind of know that I'm being unreasonable, that the problem is mine and not DHs, but I want to know what others think as this isn't something I want to discuss with friends or family.

We have been married for six years, together for eight, and have two gorgeous DSs. I love my husband very very much- he is kind and generous and we are good companions, make each other laugh etc. He is many many years older than me.

However...

Our sexlife has dwindled to nothing- DS2's conception was a bit of a miracle. I have a high sex drive- possibly because I'm mid twenties- and DH and I have talked at length about how I miss the intimacy of sex, and want to have more. I have cripplingly low self esteem, which he knows full well- feel fat, ugly and useless quite a lot of the time. I love having sex with DH, I feel it brings us closer.However, DH says that in recent years, his libido has disappeared. I have said to him that it would be a good idea to see a doctor about this as I think sex is important to a healthy relationship, but he hasn't gone. I know this would be hard and embarassing for him, so I didn't push it.

I accepted that our sex life was more or less dead, and that we would be one of those couples who just didn't do it- broke my heart, but I do love him.

This morning, I clicked the search box on our home computer when a list of previous searches came up. DH has been looking at porn on the net, and, though I know IBU, I feel heartbroken. He knows I am sexually frustrated, and yet he won't sleep with me, preferring to get off on net porn. I feel that, all the times we spoke about his lack of libido, he was lying to me.

He has spoken many times about his dislike of porn- muppet that I am, I believed him. I don't have a problem with porn, really- I mean, it makes me feel shit about myself that he looks at more attractive women than me- but I feel crap that he is choosing them over me. The way I look at it now, is I either stay in a relationship where my DH doesn't fancy me, shattering my confidence, or I leave a man I love and get on with.

You're going to say I'm being unreasonable, aren't you?

Thank you. Having a shitty morning- After telling him on Sat night how much this hurt me, how he had bashed my confidence and saying I didn't know if I could go on with this relationship etc, I checked his history on the computer- He was at it again last night.

Obv he has little consideration for my feelings. And for this marriage.

Also, during the warts-and-all, I asked him if there were any more secrets he wished to divulge- If he didn't tell me now, and I found out later, I would go.

He said there was nothing.

He has subsequently deleted his text messages, inbox and outbox.

Feel. Like. Shit.

That is not on. Have you spoken to him this morning?

Well I checked the computer history after he left for work. Probably shouldn't have, but I texted him with 'Have you been doing it again?' He hasn't answered.

Do you think that the deleted text thing is dodgy? (Think I know the answer...)
I did confront him about that last night and he said that his inbox automatically deletes itself after a bit (??!??) and that he deleted his outbox because it was full. Huge coincidence that this happens now, no?

Never ever thought he was the type to have an affair... I have been so happy with him...

Stella - I hope it's not what you're thinking it is. Been on the shitty end of the same stick myself and it is dreadful... Unfortunately as we ended up separated I've no words of wisdom - other than it takes 2 to make it work, don't keep flogging a dead horse x

Thanks for the support. In shock. Didn't think he was that type of man... Perhaps there is no type...

A factor of porn is that it is sex without intimacy. I'm sure that your DH isn't comparing the porn women with you. There's something very faceless about porn, as if it doesn't really matter who's featuring in it.

How is intimacy with your DH (other than the fact that there is no sex at the moment?)

Some people can see intimacy as threatening or scary. Sometimes intimacy can just somehow get a bit disconnected between people, even if they love one another.

It sounds like you both need to find a way to reconnect with one another. I agree that seeing a sex therapist could be very helpful for you. Another thing that might be helpful is if you put aside time for one another regularly where you do something like give one another a massage, but with the agreement that this is not to lead up to sex, just to get acquainted with one another's bodies again and to be intimate without pressure. Actually timetable it in, then make sure you are both clean and showered, make the room warm and inviting, use candles/oils/nice music, whatever to make it special but without the pressure of feeling like you need to turn one another on or have sex. Then take it in turns to do the massage, have an agreed period of time that each of you should spend on the massage. It's not about sex, just about togetherness.

The issue with his inboxes could be something or nothing. I really hope it's not what you suspect.

Another thing I would say is you absolutely have the total right to expect him to make an effort with this and to work his butt off to reassure you and to help you reconnect.

We are always quite tactile, and we actually snog quite a lot, which I think is pretty uncommon in married couples. The idea of giving each other massages etc is a really good one, thank you for posting it. I think it's a really good way of getting used to each other's touch again, because, although the whole point is that I wanted sex and he didn't, I don't know now that I am confident enough to be naked with him.

I am going to try, but I also have to be brave.

My OH has a problem with porn, we are currently separated. He also had a poor labido. It seems to me that they can go hand in hand here. He also had such guilt and shame about it all that it affected our marriage in so many ways with this "secret" I was completely unaware of. He mainly used his laptop and text messaging. Managed to keep it hidden for years.

I think this sort of issue can't be dealt with overnight. He don't think he can stop overnight as it is an addiction. I really think Relate maybe so helpful if he'd agree. It needs to be worked through together if he wants to make it work as much as you do (the marriage that is).

Anyway I really hope you find a way through this hon. Sending you a hug x

I have not read the whole thread so apologies if this has been said before.

This is a vicious circle and I have had similar experiences of it.

Low self esteem H looks at porn makes low self esteem worse so he carries on/.

He gets off on visual stimulation by women who are "Up for it" and has a problem with intimacy. He doesnt view porn as being sex or being intimate with you. He sees them as being completely seperate and therefore didnt equate how this would make you feel until you pointed it out to him.

He has hurt you and he needs to address that.

You have self esteem issues that also need to be addressed and you both need to work on that.

This is not going to be a quick fix and you both need help, probably professional.

Or maybe if porn in itself doesnt fill you with revulsion could you watch some together?

I know somebody who is currently undergoing treatment for addiction to sex, along the same lines as AA, and it all stems from a childhood lacking in intimacy. He has threatened to destroy his marriage of 30 odd years.

There is hope for you two. You love each other. You have DCs.

You can work through this, with help and time.

Haven't read it all yet but shot in the dark - was he looking at porn to get in the mood for you?