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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that my DP should have stuck up for me?

40 replies

foreverastudent · 29/01/2010 22:35

I get on really well with DP's family.

However, last week, whilst discussing politics, my DP's brother made a completly unprovoked and personal verbal attack on me in the presence of DP, his Mum, brother's girlfriend and 2 children.

His Mum and girlfriend looked shocked to see him behave in this way so I'm in no doubt that it was him who was 100% in the wrong.

DP's brother said some completely unjustified and unforgiveable things to me but DP just sat there and said nothing.

If someone had spoken to him like that I would have stuck up for him, is it too much to expect the same in return?

They are close, but DP does admit to his brother's aggressive tendencies. AIBU to expect DP's loyalties to lie with me?

OP posts:
moondog · 29/01/2010 22:37

wHAT DID HE SAY?

iT WORKS BOTH WAYS.
i'D BE REALLY PISSED OFF IF MY DH WADED IN AND FELT HE HAD TO PROTECT ME IN AN ARGUMENT ABOUT POLITICS.

ninah · 29/01/2010 22:37

Personally I'd rather speak up myself, did you reply?

kinnies · 29/01/2010 23:15

What did he say?

WidowWadman · 29/01/2010 23:16

I guess it depends on whether he agreed with you.

SixtyFootDoll · 29/01/2010 23:17

Why didnt you say anything?
If you start argung abut politics at the table then .....

Maleeka · 29/01/2010 23:18

well we cant exactly comment if we dont know what he said

Original poster
foreverastudent · 30/01/2010 00:14

Ok to put it in context, DP's brother got expelled from school for hitting a teacher and has had no formal education since.

I have 9 years of university education behind me. I have never made a point of this but DP's brother is the type of mysogynist who can't stand a woman being more knowledgeable than him.

He started spouting off with innaccurate comments on my subject area which I (v politely) corrected him on. He is the type of man who thinks women should be barefoot in the kitchen etc and obviously hated me saying this. I had no idea that he would react so unreasonably, or else I would have just stayed silent.

I promise I said nothing inflamatory but he nevertheless launched a very personal attack on me. He stood towering over me. I was physically shaking. I looked to DP for support but he just stared into space.

Then DP's brother called me a very bad name I do not wish to repeat. I said that I don't have to put up with being spoken to like that and got up to leave.

As I picked up my child her head bumped on the toy she was playing on. Dp's brother called me a "child abuser" and "psychotic".

During the discussion I could have retaliated with personal insults but I didn't. I was calm and polite and in no way did anything to provoke his outburst.

I just feel let down that my DP didn't help me when I needed him.

OP posts:
thelunar66 · 30/01/2010 00:20

Of course your DP should have stood up against his brother. Goes without saying.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/01/2010 00:24

If your DP's brother is usually this aggressive, is your DP afraid of him? For instance, if the horrible brother has bullied your DP throughout their childhood, your DP might well have gone into 'frightened kid' mode and not been able to say anything.

Original poster
foreverastudent · 30/01/2010 15:52

Not afraid but he does try to avoid conflict.

DP did at the time what he has been doing since, burying his head in the sand and hoping it will all go away without him having to say/do anything.

I feel like we should talk it out, or else it will breed unspoken resentment but he is doing his upmost to avoid this.

OP posts:
Tryharder · 30/01/2010 16:10

Of course he should have stuck up for you. His whole family should have shot him down in flames there and then. How rude!

I'm afraid i would have laughed and told him what a jealous, pathetic knob he was and to get an education before he joined in grown up conversations.

Below the belt, perhaps?

I would tell your DP that neither you nor your daughter will be visiting his family home until you get a satisfactory explanation as to why he allowed you to be abused like that.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2010 16:18

I would not be socialising with any of this family again either...until an apology was given

are they all in awe of him? Who is he?...the Fucking Prodigal Son ?

was he drunk ? No excuse, but possibly an explanation

your DH needs to explain properly too while he sat by like a shop dummy

lilylu22 · 30/01/2010 16:28

I wouldn't have any relationship with ANYONE who spoke to me this way, or any partner who tolerated me being spoken to this way.

Sounds absolutely disgusting and I don't think your DP would be mine anymore, situation reversed.

kinnies · 30/01/2010 17:18

God!
Sounds bloody horrid.
What does your Dp say about not standing up for you?
Well done for not loosing your rag in frount of your Dc though.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/01/2010 18:24

TBH I'm a bit sorry for your DP in this as well. He obviously has had years of being intimidated by his brother and it's quite hard for him to go against that. Now he's got you giving him hell for not having stood up to his brother - I bet your DP is a gentle soul who tries to avoid rows wherever possible.
And though it's upsetting being shouted at by an idiot, it won't kill you - the best thing to do is really to laugh and maintain an attitude of amused contempt with people like this.

BitOfFun · 30/01/2010 18:29

SGB, you are needed here, please.

BitOfFun · 30/01/2010 18:33

I'd be pretty pissed off too, but I have to say that you handled it well, and I totally agree with Anyfucker.

diddl · 30/01/2010 18:34

You didn´t know how he would react & your partner should have at least said it was unacceptable for him to call you names & suggested you leave.

However, knowing that he can be aggressive, I wonder why you felt the need to correct him tbh.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2010 18:45

diddl, I would have corrected him too

dickheads like that need a heads-up sometimes

he sounds like a very precious bully who is totally indulged by all his family

I would not be able to keep my mouth shut

I admire the OP for not rising to the bait

personally, I would have called him immediately on the name-calling, dc's there or not

I would hate for my dc's to think I was happy to let someone talk to me like that, and for it to appear to be OK by my DH too...a very poor lesson IMO

I would have said my piece, calmly, then left immediately

WingedVictory · 30/01/2010 23:10

Yes, actually walking out on an occasion, family or not, really makes an impact!

If Dh hates confrontation, it's a statement he can make without fear, as much of the "work" is done in and by the sudden absence of the person who has left.

I once left a table in a restaurant when someone was making horrible "toasts" (to the hypothetical train drivers taking Muslims to Auschwitz, if you can believe that), and can't believe more people didn't come, too. One (only one ) other person told me afterwards he wished he had.

On the other hand, there's another table I wish I had left : at university, the college president was trying to chum it up with the laddish elements of the room, and said the college had the "best totty". I do wish I had walked out on that one, too. I didn't , but will next time.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2010 23:16

yes, walking out has huge impact, when done well

BitOfFun · 30/01/2010 23:43

Best if you don't knock the kid's head against something on the way out though- OP cocked up there

Sounds like the kind of thing I'd do, tbh. That, or have to slope back in ten seconds later having forgotten my handbag...

AnyFucker · 30/01/2010 23:46
Grin
LeQueen · 31/01/2010 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucky1979 · 31/01/2010 00:10

What is your DP saying about it now, is he trying to gloss over it or does he think you're in the right/wrong?

Definitely wouldn't be spending ANY more time with the brother until a full apology was forthcoming.