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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my mother to visit my newborn...

37 replies

ginnybag · 29/01/2010 14:53

or at least to have phoned?

I had my first child ten days ago, and, as yet, my mother has sent one text message reading 'well done' and a second to my hubby at 3am the day after the birth (when we'd both been awake for pretty much three days straight!) demanding updates as to how things were that read very much as though she'd been out drinking!

There is a long history of issues with my mother being rather self-centred and expecting us to go to her because we drive and she doesn't but this is one occasion when I thought things would be different. For example - in the six and half years DH and I have been living together, she has never once come to the house, despite us offering to go and get her in the car, bring her and take her home again.

It would take her about an hour and a hlf to get to us by public transport versus a 45 minute drive for us.

This is her first grandchild as well as my first child and she had a very rough start - time in SCBU, IV antibiotics etc.

Interested to see what people think, mainly. Should I just fold and take the baby to her, or should I stick to my guns and make her do the leg work this once? My DH is determined that we aren't going to her.

She's 53, btw, and in perfectly good health.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 29/01/2010 15:00

This is her first GC and you've had one text in ten days?

This doesn't sound 'normal' to me.

Is your mum a 'normal' mum in other ways?

I suspect there must be more going on here that means this behaviour is less of a surprise then it would be if it was a standard issue mum ignoring a newborn for ten days.

bumpybecky · 29/01/2010 15:04

YANBU and I think your husband is right.

You've got a newborn baby, people travel to you (unless we're talking about your housebound grandparents! your able bodies mother doesn't count).

You've got your family now, your DH and daughter. Concentrate on those that matter

oh and congratulations too

LaurieFairyCake · 29/01/2010 15:05

she sounds entirely narcissistic.

If she wanted to visit you and the baby enough she would.

kinnies · 29/01/2010 15:07

Sorry shes so usless.
Do you have other people around you for support?
My Mum is a selfish cow so I know how hard it is.

Congratulations on the birth of your first child!!!

MunchMummy · 29/01/2010 15:08

Even our DD1s great granny who is in her 80s and doesn't drive and never leaves Somerset made it up to see us 100 miles away within the week. And it wasn't her first great-grandchild. So no, YANBU

posieparker · 29/01/2010 15:13

Congratulations....

This sounds like the perfect time to introduce your mother into how things are going to be from now on, don't visit her or call. Let her make the effort.

June2009 · 29/01/2010 15:16

yanbu.
mil waited a couple of months before coming over (she lives 5 minutes away) because of the family tension around mil/fil's divorce. (nothing to do with us).
my dad did not come to see my when I was pregnant (first child) which I cried over (hormones!) nor did he bother coming when the baby was born, we had to go and see him (we're in London they're in France) when the baby was 3 months old.
There's no hard feelings, I think he prefers to stay out of the way and not interfere.

mil went through a phase where she would just turn up anytime several times a week to see dd, as bad as it sounds I much preferred when she was not interested.

Gubbins · 29/01/2010 15:26

Maybe she's waiting to be invited. There's plenty of people I know who'd have loved to have had a couple of weeks getting to know their baby and the new family dynamics without visitors and she may think you want to take the same approach. If you haven't asked, or even phoned her to tell her about the baby then she probably doesn't think you want her there.

LaTrucha · 29/01/2010 15:29

YANBU

I have found that mums don't really change when their daughter's babies are born, if anything they become more like themselves. There can be an element of jealousy which can leave them feeling left out, which is certainly unreasonable.

Chances are, she wouldn't even behave well if you did go to see her and you don't need that.

Give your wee baby a cuddle and maybe give your mum a call. It can be worse if these things are left to fester with a selfish person but say, no, you're not going (you can say it's because of your DD's delicate state - even if she is not any more!). Be prepared for it not to go well.

MadamDeathstare · 29/01/2010 15:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notyummy · 29/01/2010 15:32

Send her a clear invite to come over, stressing how tired you and how ill the baby has been. If she doesn't come, then your beautiful DC doesn't need her as a Grandma - she should be tripping over herself to get to you frankly.

Sassybeast · 29/01/2010 15:36

Echo what notyummy says.

TheBossofMe · 29/01/2010 15:39

ginny - congrats, invite her and if she comes, she comes, if she doesn't, then don't you dare go to her. It will set the precedent forever!

groundhogs · 29/01/2010 15:47

not that i think our situations are identical, but my mum was a tad lacking when i had my ds, her first gs.

She actually blurted out that she never wanted to be a grand mother.. but went on to say now that she was, she was delighted.

Ds is 4yo now, i am gradually forgiving the total bailing job she did on me. Fwiw, i knew at the time that she was being utterly selfish, which is not her norm. I rather think that you need to prepare yourself to face the fact that she is what she is.

If she's not going to take an immediate interest, with or without being guilted into it, perhaps she's best left to her own devices. You never know, if you stop pandering to her, maybe one day she'll see how lonely being selfish is.

She's young, there is still time for her to get over herself.

Congratulations, and focus on your new family, good luck and have fun!

chegirlsgotheartburn · 29/01/2010 15:47

YANBU.

It must be very upsetting for you. Even if you are used to her ways and you expected her to be useless its still hurtful to be prooved right.

We cannot change our parents.

If you feel able to, I think the advice about giving her a clear invite is is good. At least you will know how things stand if she still doesnt get off her arse.

Congratulations on your baby!

Rindercella · 29/01/2010 15:56

YANBU.

One text in the first 10 days of her first grandchild's life is naff all. You're the new Mum, you have a newborn baby, make your 53 year old healthy mother do the leg work (she's actually only a couple of years older than my DH!). If she can't be arsed, then at least you know where you stand.

Many, many congratulations on the birth of your DD

BigMomma3 · 29/01/2010 16:11

YANBU - think she is probably quite abnormal actually.

Are you an only child, if not does she visit your siblings?

My parents were on standby to fly in from literally the other side of the world when I was pregnant with DCs 2 & 3 (present at the birth of DC1) and they got here on the day I came out of hospital (and these were their 9th & 10th grandchildren). I would have expected nothing less .

If your mother can't make an hour and a half trip to see her first and only grandchild I would be of a mind not to bother with her. Sorry but especially with your DC being in the NICU, who would'nt want their mother with them? Have you offered for your DH to fetch her? Even if I did'nt want to, I would bit my tongue on this occasion and if I was fobbed off, then I would know where I stood.

Maybe she'll fall in love with your DD and you won't be able to stop her coming round (hopeful).

thedollshouse · 29/01/2010 16:22

YANBU.

My family live a 2 hour drive away (around 4-5 hours by public transport) they never come to us as they don't all have cars. When ds was born they visited us, my mum and sister asked for a lift from one of my nieces. They never even asked if we would go to them. They have only visited once since (ds's thanksgiving blessing) but that is understandable as it is easier for us to go to them.

We are expecting our second child in the spring and if people want to see him they will have to come to us. I don't envisage a problem.

Playing devils advocate perhaps your mum doesn't want to be seen as interfering and so has limited her contact with you. Why don't you just ring her and ask her if she plans to visit?

Littlestlass · 29/01/2010 16:41

YANBU - my mum and dad saw DD about 4 hours after she was born! Neither me nor my boyfriend drive so they brought us home from the hospital (I nagged to leave ASAP ). Since then they've been multiple times even though she's only 4 weeks and my dad's been in hospital for two of those!

pigletmania · 29/01/2010 17:22

Lazy so and so, she can visit you, dont you go to her. I dont drive, and my mum 74 comes by train to stay with us and makes the effort every month, well we do offer to visit but she prefers to come to us as it sort of disrupts her house when dd comes.

BouncingTurtle · 29/01/2010 17:27

She sounds selfish and lazy.
My mum doesn't drive,and lives 280 miles away. Yet when I had ds, she called most days (or I called her) and arranged to stay with me for a week, co-inciding with when DH returned to work (when ds was 2 weeks old), as he was going to be away 2 night at a conference.
She had a train ride, a tube ride then another long train ride, taking her about 6 hours to get here but as far as she was concerned not effort was too much to see her first and only dgs.
Don't put yourself out for her, make her come to you - spell out to her that she is welcome to visit, but she should not be expected to be waited on by someone with a newborn.

14hourstillbedtime · 29/01/2010 18:35

OMG - how bizarre!!

My own mum is flying out (literally half way across the world) to be here 2 days before DD is due (we already have a DS) and will stay for 5 WEEKS to help out (admittedly mostly with DS who is 2.5 and is with me all time - no nursery).

On the other hand - in-laws will come and visit when DD is 7 months old (and we will have to pay for a hotel for them to stay in). I don't think they really want to come as they're not much good with actually helping out (in other words - they don't)with newborns and toddlers. I hear a lot from them about how much they will help when DS is 8 or so..... We'll see.... maybe your mum is similar and just isn't 'into' the newborn stage?! (In which case, I still feel she should get over it as you're her daughter AND it's her first grandchild AND your DD has been ill!)

Oh, and congratulations, btw. Also, your DH sounds lovely

woodyandbuzz · 29/01/2010 18:41

Well it sounds bizarre and she does seem to be very much in the wrong. Personally, I would send DH to collect her so she can come to your house and see your baby. Then DH can take her home again.

Has she got some sort of illness? I mean some sort of anxiety/depression? It seems very odd of her to behave like this.

No, you should not pack up your newborn to see her

BicycleBelle · 29/01/2010 19:06

She sounds selfish and manipulative. If she wants to see your lovely new baby (and she must be mad not to) than she can come to you - 53 is only middle aged. My 87 year old MIL gets coachs all round the country to visit family. However, my own mum is more like yours. When my son was born and I phoned my parents about an hour or so afterwards, my mum complained that I had woken her up in the middle of the night! It was only 11pm and I had thought the news was worth disturbing her for....

arsesandoldlace · 29/01/2010 19:11

A [i]text message?[/i]
How very odd!

YANBU, your DH is right. Stay put and let her come to you.

You mention the seemingly drunken text, do you think she has a drink problem?

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