To expect my mother to visit my newborn...

[ginnybag]

or at least to have phoned?

I had my first child ten days ago, and, as yet, my mother has sent one text message reading 'well done' and a second to my hubby at 3am the day after the birth (when we'd both been awake for pretty much three days straight!) demanding updates as to how things were that read very much as though she'd been out drinking!

There is a long history of issues with my mother being rather self-centred and expecting us to go to her because we drive and she doesn't but this is one occasion when I thought things would be different. For example - in the six and half years DH and I have been living together, she has never once come to the house, despite us offering to go and get her in the car, bring her and take her home again.

It would take her about an hour and a hlf to get to us by public transport versus a 45 minute drive for us.

This is her first grandchild as well as my first child and she had a very rough start - time in SCBU, IV antibiotics etc.

Interested to see what people think, mainly. Should I just fold and take the baby to her, or should I stick to my guns and make her do the leg work this once? My DH is determined that we aren't going to her.

She's 53, btw, and in perfectly good health.

YARBU at all, but the fact that you are even thinking of going to her, or fetching her, shows that she has been manipulating you for so long you can't think straight!

She is being very cold and selfish, and she sounds like she has attention seeking and narcissism issues to me. Or that she is jealous of you. Perhaps she feels inadequate around you and your DH? I'm SO sorry for you. This should be a such a special time and you deserve your mother's love and support and interest. It's made me angry! I hope you have a close and supportive network of friends, and other family, and that DHs parents are good to you and your baby.

Sometimes we have to face up to the fact that our parents are crap, and really don't deserve our respect and devotion.

I had (still have, in fact!) a useless father, and I did all the running with him for over 30 years. It was only when I had my own children and I understood about unconditional love, and how it would break my heart to ever be away from them, that it started to dawn on me just how useless and self-absorbed and unreliable he was. Contact with him has always been sporadic, my whole life, and he has always been unable to commit to me, offer any stability, or to connect/engage emotionally with me.

I cut him out of my life 10 years ago, because after an absence of more than two years he turned up out of the blue, told my children he was Grandad, (he barely even knew their names or ages) played with them for a couple of hours, then left, saying 'I'll phone you tomorrow to see how you got on at school.' Of course he didn't phone, as I knew he wouldn't, and they never saw him again.I decided that day that I didn't want to inflict that on my children - I'd had a gutful of it growing up, and it's confusing for them. They have other grandparents who understand what is required in the job description. They don't need him, and neither do I.

I suspect as you get to grips with the powerful emotions and overwhelming sense of commitment to your child you will start to realise that your mother's behaviour over the years has been unacceptable, and you will seriously question how a loving parent could be so detached. I'm not suggesting you cut her out of your life, just that you need to give yourself permission to stop dancing to her tune, stop seeking her affection/approval (because she will keep moving the goalposts and you will always feel that you are not good enough). You just concentrate on the people in your life who 'give back' to you, and enjoy your new family.

It's certainly a strange reaction and I feel for you. I think it really depends on how important it is to you that they have a relationship. By the sounds of it, it will be solely up to you to facilitate it. If you're not bothered, leave it to her to come to you. If it is important to you, be prepared to have to do all the work.

As a matter of interest, how was she during the pg?

DP's DM came a few times in the weeks DS was born (her third GC) but since she has been twice (my birthday, which was a shock to DP and I, and Christmas). Our DS is now 17 months. I can't think what I did wrong but unless DP visited her she wouldn't see our son at all. She is the same with DP's DB and his 12 month old.

Well, I phoned her, just to make it clear that she was welcome to visit. She will, apparently, 'try to come up next week some time with your Aunty...'

She then asked if her other, eldest sister had been yet and when I said she had, that was that. Conversation promptly turned to how 'Margaret always was baby mad - don't let her take over!' (Granted Meg is now emailing me three times a day with advice, but beside the point...)

This is reasonably typical behaviour for my mother, unfortunately. She has something a narcissistic streak, to say the least, but even I vaguely hoped this might have seen some move.

Apparently not. On the upside, DH is now delighted that he may have an excuse to have her murdered. Given that she smoked around me constantly the few times we saw her whilst I was pregnant (and, no, she never once contacted me during the pregnancy) he's fully expecting her to try to light up around the baby... at which point he will off her and claim sleep deprivation.

Oh, and there's no chance of him repeating his offer of collecting her. That offer was made some time ago, before she really naffed him off tbh.

Maybe if she is 53 she doesn't feel old enough to be a grannie and this is her way of sticking her fingers in her ears and singing la la la la la very loudly and pretending that she isn't really a granny because she's not ready to move onto that stage of her life yet?

Not that she's BR - thing she is BVU.

Have you confided in your Aunt how hurt you feel?

I've tried to, in the past, but my mum is my Aunt's 'baby sister' and she's generally not willing to hear it.

Although I do think this is getting some raised eyebrows across the board.

Oh, and it gets worse...

Mother dear has just been on the phone... apparently Meg has decided that our house is cold, emailed middle sister Ann and had a 'discussion' about what to do to help!

Cue mother deciding that meg is an 'interfering old bitch' and that and I am not looking after the baby properly 'because I'm too proud to ask for help with the bills'

Eh?

NOW she's worried about the baby she hasn't been to see?

I do not understand these women. Would I be justified in telling them all to jump off a cliff.

House is not cold btw... and baby is just fiiine according to the midwives.

The Official Rules and Regulations and Standards of Child Rearing seem to change with every generation, hence your auntie and mum will not be the first to put their oar in about how you girls are doing it all wrong these days! Although I agree, in your mum's case it seems slighty odd that she should be giving a stuff, under the circumstances.....

You are at a very emotionally delicate and vulnerable point in your life. I would try to walk away from this (slightly odd ) combination of interference and indifference, and focus on making new friends, and enjoying your baby. If you allow yourself to dwell too much on how your family is letting you down you will become depressed and irrational. In the end, it is her loss, and she will never get this time back with grandchild. Let that be her problem, not yours.

Surely she has friends who are grandmothers now and it isn't too young to feel like a granny?

I'm 30, my mum is 53 and she is catatonic with excitement about impending first grandchild.

However, DP's dad hasn't bothered to phone once during entire pregnancy, even though they (him and stepmother) live a few miles away and are always nice as pie on the odd occasion we see them, maybe once every other year. They are always quick enough to get the latest on us from other family members though, and make bitey comments...found out recently they were very disapproving when they heard we'd moved to a new house on the same road as a secondary school, as 'it will only be trouble'.

Toxic parents will always let you down, but they will also forever remind you of how important unconditional love is, which you will pass on to your lovely new daughter.

Well, she's coming up to visit this afternoon, after phoning at one thirty this morning to tell me she was.

I give up... why did I never see this behaviour as anything other than annoying until now?