to wish dh wouldn't refuse to wipe a snotty nose or change a dirty nappy

[washedandreadytoeat]

every once in a while? Or help with the housework occasionally?

Have namechanged for this as somewhat embarassed...

There are a lot of similar threads knocking about at the moment, but thought I'd start this fresh one to show dh.

I am currently a SAHM though going back to work part time soon. DH works full time, very busy stressful job, almost three hours commute each day. He leaves around 7:30 am and returns around 7:30pm. DS is 16 months old, very spirited and lively. Usually happy, but needs my attention all the time - cant even go to the toilet without him. Currently teething, hardly eating, wanting to breastfeed all the time. Never slept through the night, has only recently started doing 3 hour stretches before midnight, but still wakes several times between midnight and 5am.

I dont need a lot of sleep, but waking up so often during the night does make me grumpy and tired during the day, which is not nice for ds either. Still DH does not do any housework during the week at all, and hardly any at the weekends. At weekends he sometimes prepares breakfast or dinner, will do the odd nappychange (as long as it is not a pooey one), a bit of hoovering (if we expect visitors) and other bits and bobs. All in all not much - by his own admission he is very lazy during the weekends as needs to recover from work.

He tells me I've got it easy; being at home all day, meeting with mums having coffee and gossping all the time... well yes, I do love looking after ds, and we do go to playdates a lot, which of course does involve coffee too. But looking after a toddler can be bloody exhausting too. None of the other mums are real friends that I would socialise with if it werent for ds. Since having ds I have been out by myself for perhaps four or five times. The last time when I had to have root canal treatment - and guess what! I looked forward to it and thoroughly enjoyed every second of it.

Have I mentioned DS gets up by 5am every morning? I get up with him so DH can sleep until 7pm. Usually I am then greeted by a huge pile of dirty dishes from the previous night when I would have been too tired to do any washing up (we dont have a dishwasher).

Most days I am just fine, ds and I have a lot of fun together and somehow I get most of the housework done too. But every now and then it gets too much, I get tearful, grumpy and whingey. Thought at some point I was developing depression, but GP said it was just exhaustion. DH, though temporarily sympathetic, hasnt really offered any additional help since then. He just thinks I am quite pathetic sometimes, turning into my own mother, and -even worse- comparing my "performance" to that of his own mum who apparently coped bloody amazingly with her two boys and kept the house impeccably clean and tidy.

The other night I had a bad evening - ds had thrown food everywhere, I was tired and, well, in a bit of a state. All DH was interested in was when dinner would be served. We ended up having a big row, and in the end he did apologise, sort of.

I could go on forever but you get my gist (thanks for reading if you have made it this far!).

Am I being unfair on DH? His job IS very demanding, he is knackered when he gets home in the evening and he DOES need a lot of sleep to function. He does also do a lot of other things that dont fall into the housework category, e.g. researching holidays. He is wonderful with DS, we do a lot of fun family activities together, although so far he has not once proactively offered to take him somewhere by himself, e.g. playground.

So, aibu to expect a little more sometimes? Also, we are ttc - am I mad??

I cannot conceive of how women in the 21st century allow themselves to be treated like this. Did you have no inkling before you procreated with this man that he was a mysoginist arsehole?

I bet you did all the cooking and cleaning before you had DS didn't you? And your rationale was that he earned more than you, so it was "fair".

It wasn't fair, and this is even less so.

Every Saturday since he was about four months old (ie old enough to be apart from me for about 3 hours without needing a BF) DH has taken DS off for a while of a Saturday to have "Daddy-Georgie" time. It is really precious to both of them. A few hours won't kill your special "family weekend" (not that it sounds to me like those are much fun for you anyway) and while they are out (and preferably doing something DS will find fun and which is useful, like the shopping) you should be reading a book in the bath, giving yourself a mani/ped (even better going to the salon for same) or having a lie in.

Missus84 is right. You both work full-time. Come evening, you are in a similar position: both very tired, not feeling like doing chores. But they still have to be done. The only fair way through is to tackle it together. Things should be flexible, of course, so if one of you is having a really tough time the other does more. Admittedly, most falls to you because you are at home, but it's not exclusively your job because you are at home, it's work for the household/family that you are both responsible for.

The worst thing about your situation to me is that your husband doesn't sound as though he is very kind to you, either in what he says or what he does. Do pull him up on that, and quickly.

very at this thread, you've had 16m of this and some are saying it's too far gone to be pulled back...???

Jeez, i've literally no chance then of ever having a day off, or a lie in.

Mind you, dh has been asking why he's not getting much at the moment, might just print off this thread, or better read it out to him and ask him if it might give him a clue...

op He has no respect for you or your child,sorry but he needs a major reality check, do not put up with this, nip it in the bud now.

With the hours he works I would say in the week, you keep to your own roles.

Weekends are different though. You are both busy in the wee, you both need time to relax. You should do equal chores at the weekend and equal child time, including shitty nappies. If he gets time off to himself, you get time off for yourself as well. You are both tired and it is hard but it's not fair for you to do all the drudge work all weekend so he can be fresh as a daisy monday morning.

Rereading my post now I realise I have made him sound like a complete arsehole - trust me he is not. Like someone said, he has not spent much time in sole charge of ds and grossly underestimates the effort involved. Yes, he is often annoying, yes he is unkind sometimes - especially when arriving home after a horrible day at work. Ratty as hell in fact - but then again so am I, and just as frequently.

Anyway, our family time IS a lot of fun - especially when there are no chores on the horizon :-)

Before we had ds we shared chores more equally. Yes, I did do a little more, but he had much longer working hours than me. If we each added up our working hours in the office and in the house, we both spent the same time working.

Jamie, you asked if he enjoys his job - its a love-hate relationship really. He is in advertising, doing very well career wise. Sometimes he gets fed up with the job because of the stress, office politics, etc. It certainly doesnt fulfil him as such. Then again, he does have a lot of fun as well - the client lunches, interesting colleagues etc.

I had a good chat with him yesterday; he didnt quite agree as to how lazy he was at the weekends - in fact reminded me of several chores he had done that I had forgotten about. Fair enough. Going forward, we are going to split weekend chores more equally.

Dishwasher - yup, light at the end of the tunnel on that one too! We are soon going to have a new kitchen fitted, and that is of course going to include a dishwasher.

What else... ah money: you are right, money equals power. I am glad to say we do not struggle over money in principle; he just hands it over no questions asked. In fact I feel bad receiving it, and he keeps telling me it is not his but OUR money. However we do make joint decisions on major purchases - such as hiring a cleaner. In this case I may just go ahead unilaterally, get a mothers help, not a cleaner, and present him with the fait accompli. He will be fine.

I dont necessarily need a whole morning or afternoon to myself during the weekends - a few hours will do the trick. In addition to that, both dh and I will have the odd weekday evening away as well.

Last but not least - sleep training. Good idea in principle, and I am following a very mild, kind benign kind of programme - but only when he is not teething (which he is most of the time atm). He only has a few gnashers left to emerge fortunately. Anyway most nights he doesnt keep me awake forever; wakes up a few times, quick suckle and back to sleep. We co-sleep, so sometimes i dont even notice. The nights when I do notice and he keeps suckling forever are a nightmare, but I know this phase will pass. But I WILL insist on more sympathy from DH in the future!!

I would not be trying to have another baby with anyone unless I felt happy with the living arrangements we already had.

It gives out a HUGE message to him that everything is absolutely fine, if you happily try to conceive another

Sort this out first FGS before you introduce another child, for your own sake alone - you will have the newborn struggles and possibly sibling jealousy as well - have a read of threads on here and you'll see just how desperate it can be for people when they make the leap to two.

You need him to be sorted, and on side, and supportive before you go anywhere near unprotected sex with him, imvho

You don't need to ask him in order to get a cleaner. Asking permission simply reinforces the notion that he is in complete control of the finances.

If he is so busy that he cannot help at home, then YOU are in charge of the household and it is your decision to hire help.

Of course he thinks it is unneccesary, he has his own unpaid cleaner!

I'm afraid I think YABU, but mainly for being a total wimp. Sorry, and I may get flamed for this, but it sounds as though you have set yourself up for martyrdom rather than motherhood and are now both at your ds' beck and call throughout the day and night and doing pretty much the same sort of skivvying for your dh. Your choice, your life, but you've had plenty of time to get into that situation. If you decide you don't like it then do something about it and get some backbone.

Yes, your ds is teething but he's 16 months ffs...he should be able to sleep more than 3 hours after 12 as well as before (but has discovered that getting mummy to settle him back to sleep is easier than doing it himself), he's perfectly capable of being by himself for 2 mins whilst you go to the toilet, and as for starting your day at 5 leaving dh to sleep, then making sure you cook his dinner in the evening...well, I'm sorry, but what century are you living in?

This might sound a bit tough, but honestly, you are coming across as the biggest wimp going. If this isn't what you want, then, as I said before, do something about it. Don't just whinge on AIBU....

washed - the reason I asked whether he likes his job is that I noticed a big difference in how much energy DH had when he changed jobs to one he enjoys.

He was never as uninvolved as your DH (sorry!), but he used to be a lot more tired when he got home, would resent it if I immediately handed DS1 to him etc (and we used to get into ridiculous "I'm tireder than you"competitions.

However, DH used to get up to see to DS in the night, and has changed more pooey nappies than he cares to remember.

I urge you to do what you have said what you will do.

I understand about the teething, but I doubt very much that it's teething that's the problem. More likely a habit. I went through this with DS2, and did CC at the age your son is - I'm guessing you are not up for that as you are co-sleeping, but I do wonder whether you'd be able to sleep train if you move him into a cot, and your DH should be helping with that ....

I know others may disagree with this, but worth thinking about.

Saw this earlier but was actually too cross to post.

Since the OP's DH will be reading this thread, how about a message for him.

Dear Washed's DH,

You may have noticed that you are no longer a small boy who needs to be cared for night and day by your parents. In fact, you have a small child yourself, congratulations. Given that you are now a father, perhaps you would like to explain why it is that you refuse to play a role in the care and raising of your son, instead behaving like an infant unable to care for itself? Yes you may earn the majority of the income at present, but you have probably noticed that a small child is not a doll and entails a huge amount of work both day and night. Currently you appear to be doing next to none of it.

Is there a reason why you refuse to perform the most basic tasks for your son? Wiping his nose or changing his nappy is not a special treat (for him or for you) - it is a task undertaken by a caring adult because your baby is too small to look after himself. As his parent, it is your duty, just as much as your wife's, to do those things for him. In fact you are doubly letting him down as a father - by refusing to support his exhausted mother, and by avoiding spending time with him and caring for him yourself. You are his dad, people might think you would want to do things with him.

If your wife was away, you would have to cater for your son's every need. Feeding, changing, playing, soothing, tidying up after him and all the washing too. Since she is usually around, this means you are spared half of this labout. However you are treating her like a functionary whose role in life is to clean up after and cater to you and your child, without according her the least bit of respect. You criticise her housework, despite the fact that looking after your son is a full time job. You compare her unfavourably with your own mother, although if you claim to remember her housekeeping style when you were 16 months old I fear you are a liar.

By constantly running her down and refusing to behave like an adult and a parent, you have reduced your wife to exhaustion bordering on depression. Any man, indeed any person, worth the name would be ashamed at having driven his partner to this situation.

Please grow up and behave like a husband, and a dad, immediately.

Yours sincerely

E&M

*labour

E&M - Is the OPs DH going to read this thread ?

I do hope so .....

Oh and PS Washed's DH...

Stop comparing your wife's housekeeping to what you can remember of growing up. You won't remember being a baby, you'll probably only really remember your house from when you started school. It doesn't really compare, does it?

Plus - there's every chance your mum will have left you to cry quite a bit if she did leave an immaculate house.

Here's what I suggest you do - if you think you're hard enough. Book a day's annual leave. Maybe a Friday (you may need the weekend to recover)

Then take on your wife's role for a full 24 hours. Work out which washing up you want to do - the stuff in the morning from the previous night, or wash up after the evening meal. And then do it, 7pm - 7pm. And that involves getting up two-hourly throughout the night, then up at 5am, then being demanded-of relentlessly throughout the day, having to entertain the baby with toys you will then have to put away - making yourself lunch (bet you don't, I rarely have time) and washing up after that, and then, when you're exhausted, making an evening meal. Make sure you've dealt with at least one load of washing in amongst all that - you'll need to put the dry stuff on the rack in the airing cupboard - and the stuff in the airing cupboard in the drawers - and if you won't have a cleaner, also clean the bathroom at some point as well.

Good luck.

If you can get through all of that and still maintain you're working harder, I can only assume you're down the mines...

Washed, having read your last post it sounds to me like you are making all kinds of excuses for him - you were obviously pissed off enought to post in the first place but here you are saying that actually everything is rosy and he isn't that bad after all.

I'm sorry but he still sounds like an arse to me I'm afraid and it won't be long before you feel the same way that you did when you first posted unless something changes. He needs to accept his family responsibilities and you need to stop excusing his behaviour or it will just get worse.

op why dont you tommorrow morning up and out on your own for the day. Let him sort the shit.See how he likes it, simple as that.

Also Washed, what you need from yor DH isn't more sympathy - that implies there's nothing he could do to help. Like you feel sympathetic if someone has a bad cold, you can't help it, you can just be nice to them. In this case there are a million and one things your DH can be doing to help. Practical work from him is what's needed. Although an attitude makeover is also on the cards.

I can't believe you are at the point when you are going to the GP, and he's still not getting the idea.

Any progress this weekend? A lie-in perhaps?

Next time he tries to slope off to research a holiday, point out that you like doing that too.

If he thinks that it's a comparable job to your chores then fine, next time you get to do the research while he does all the other stuff that you would be doing .