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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be press-ganged in attending my sisters wedding in Italy when I have no money!

68 replies

TinksandFloris · 28/01/2010 13:16

This will make you laugh, my Mum says to me, flights and accomodation are ONLY £500!

Oh well that's alright then! I'll take 5! We are a family of 4 and we'd still have airport parking and 5 days of food to buy as well. We'd be looking at between £800 and £1000.

My Sister has decided after years of being
engaged that she is going to get married in
the summer. I'm pleased for her, but I can't
justify racking up more money on credit cards to go on holiday.

Every year we save up to go on our annual
cheapy holiday to my parents villa and we've
already saved up for and booked and paid for our flights.

My parents are getting really funny with me
for saying I can't afford to go. They'd rather I add to my debt!

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to be press-ganged into a holiday that I can't afford?

OP posts:
MrsDmamee · 28/01/2010 14:33

YANBU

i got married a few years ago abroad.
we didnt send out any invites as we didnt want people to feel under pressure to attend and when a few said they would go we paid for their accomodation and transport.

none of my sisters attended but my 2 best friends did and i was delighted to have them there but was equally prepared for a wedding of just myself dh and our kids.

you will have to just decline the invite saying you really cant afford it at all and hope your sister has a lovely day and you will look forward to seeing her when she gets home. You could even try to have flowers delivered to her abroad on the day itself.

Rindercella · 28/01/2010 14:48

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givecarrotsachance · 28/01/2010 16:04

@ rincerella's sister!

YANBU at all. My brother is getting married in a former soviet country this summer because while he's British, his fiancee is Russian, so he's compromised on a country that at least his and her closest family can go to - and mos tof his friends live as he lived there for years.

They'd wanted it in September but because I'm due end July and didn't want to travel so far, to such a hot country, a few weeks after the birth, they've moved it to May this year - 8 weeks before I'm due.

It's going to be awful travelling while heavily pregnant, with a 5 year old, but I am so grateful that they've worked really hard so I can come - just me!

Fortunately we'd not booked a holiday yet so this will be it.

That's how it should be - understanding on each side and compromise. For him, it was worth more to have his sister there than to have it in the month they wanted (sweet!).

He doesn't have a choice not to have it out of the UK. If you do, as your sister does, she has to understand that if she wants the whole package, she may have to pay for it.

Don't get yourself in a tizzy - you are being perfectly reasonable here.

Cheepz · 28/01/2010 16:25

I got married abroad, we asked people a year in advance if they wanted to be there and make it their holiday but totally understood if not somewhere they wanted to go (Dubai), and we asked my folks who were paying for alot of the wedding to pay for both my brothers and their families to come and we cut back on other costs.

YANBU as someone else has said - if you get married abroad the idea is small and intimate and additional guests are a bonus.. but not to be expected.

ZZZenAgain · 28/01/2010 16:35

yes but Italy...l

in summer......

Well, I'd go, I love Italy. Apart from that your sister is being U

I would have to go, Italy....

ZZZenAgain · 28/01/2010 16:37

mind you I had to go to Australia to be bridesmaid at my sister's wedding, so I'm not finding Italy too much of a challenge (cost wise). Can dh do something nice with ds whilst you and dd go? Or just go on your own?

pigletmania · 28/01/2010 16:59

YAnbu if your parents want you to go so much they should PAY!!!!!! I dont blame you tbh dont go if you cannot aford to.

WhiteRoses · 28/01/2010 17:02

Totally agree with Carrots. It should be about compromise. I think you should be aware that this is probably the most important day of your sister's life so far and therefore you should be doing everything within your power to try and ensure that you can get over there. On the other hand, it might have been nice if she'd given you a bit more notice (i.e. let you know before you'd already bought and paid for your summer holiday). It's a difficult one. Is your BiL-to-be Italian? Do they live there? Why Italy at all?

roses2 · 28/01/2010 18:14

If she wants your daughter to be flower girl then why did she arrange the wedding during term time??

HappyMummyOfOne · 28/01/2010 19:07

I think its very selfish to get married abroad and expect guests to pay for fares and hotels regardless of the notice period. If you want guests to attend, either have it in your country or pay the airfares etc.

If they wanted the romantic get away on the beach etc, why invite guests. Thought the whole idea of going abroad was to avoid the fuss and big wedding.

thesecondcoming · 28/01/2010 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Baileysismyfriend · 28/01/2010 19:21

YANBU, I hvent been able to go to a couple of weddings overseas as I couldnt afford it at the time.

If you get maried overseas then you have to expect that some people won't be able to come.

If your folks want you to go so much then they should pay for all of it.

PlumBumMum · 28/01/2010 19:28

Tinksandfloris hate to say this but I think your underestimating the cost too, we went for a family wedding 2 years ago to Rome
2 adults 3 children
we stayed 3 nights in a cheap hotel and it cost us the guts of £3000,, which we couldn't really afford,
now we are invited to another one same place etc and dh is just going but even then,
it is not money we can really afford when we would like a family holiday and he dosen't feel right going with out us

So stick to your guns and I am stopping now as I could rant all day on the topic

sarah293 · 28/01/2010 19:33

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Message withdrawn

Cheepz · 28/01/2010 19:36

I think if you invite people to make it a holiday and make it very clear its their choice its fine to get married abroad, expecting people to come thats unreasonable,

We had friends who chose to come, and friends who didn't and that was fine.

As long as theres no pressure involved theres no problem.

woodyandbuzz · 28/01/2010 19:39

Make a written request for the absence to school. The school should also then reply in writing.

If school decline - you can then show letter to your mother and sister and leave DH at home with kids whilst you attend wedding alone.

If school OK it, I think you need to "suck this up" as part of life, costs and all - take your entire family and take up your parents' offer to pay for the kids.

WingedVictory · 28/01/2010 19:55

If your sister is going to cause a fuss and your parents are going to back her, you need to choose whether to say no because you can't afford it, or no because the school won't let you. Saying yes for the family is not an option, really; that comes through very clearly from your post.

As a compromise, offer your own attendance, for the minimum period you can get away with.

It's really a shame your parents are being such arses. Did they always let your sister get away with so much, and try to get others to fall in line?

2010aQuintessentialOdyssey · 28/01/2010 19:58

I agree that £500 sounds very little. I cant see how 4 people can fly to Italy and back and stay in a hotel for a couple of days for that amount of money.

Italy is not cheap. Most continental hotels cannot accomodate 4 in a room, in man places fire regulations dictate maximum 3 in a room, 2 adults and once child in a cot. What they offer a family of four is 2 adjoining rooms with a door inbetween. Unless it is a family friendly holiday resort.

You need to tell your mum that you need to see the accommodation on offer, and the prices for flights and accommodation before you are even willing to discuss going into debt over this. Bridge and groom need to provide accommodation alternatives and prices in their invitations, so people can make an informed choice when rsvp-ing.

My cousin wanted to get married in Italy. The hotel would cost us £300 per night, bed and breakfastm for 4 people. We had to spend minimum 3 days, to come the day before the wedding and leave the day after. Dinners and other food and drinks would of course be in addition to this, plus flights.

When he realized that only 33 people would be able to come to their wedding, immedate family and his banking colleagues, they cancelled Italy, and made a conventional wedding at home with 120 guests.

JemL · 28/01/2010 20:07

Agree with Riven. It is an honour that people join you at your wedding. Too many brides act like their guests should be honoured to be invited and anyone not prepared to spend hundreds on travel / clothes / hotel / presents is selfish!!

Heated · 28/01/2010 20:37

It's bad enough that ppl get themselves in hock for their own wedding, let alone anybody else's! A trip for 4 costing £500? Times that by 4 at least.

The wedding may well turn out to attended by parents and a select band of guests who can afford both the time and money but I would expect a great number of declined invitations.

YANBU and would politely say sorry but you can't go e.g. We would love to be at your wedding in Italy but unfortunately we are unable to attend. Hope the day is everything you both wish, love sis & family.

If they (sister or parents) are so rude as to ask why not, then you have to be blunt and tell them well actually we can't afford to go, having already paid for this year's holiday, and it is in term time.

5Foot5 · 28/01/2010 20:59

YANBU

I think it quite selfish when people arrange their wedding abroad like this and then expect others to spend loads of money to attend or make their holiday arrangements around their wedding.

Just tell then you can't afford it but you hope they have a lovely day. If they get arsey, well tough! They are the unreasonable ones not you!

pipsqueak71 · 28/01/2010 21:06

YANBU. In the current financial climate, they can't really complain about your lack of finances. Your funds are tied up in the family holiday which has already been booked. Your sister should have got in there earlier to get 'first dibs' on this year's holiday money .
I'm going to my brother's wedding in Italy this summer. I'm a single Mum with nothing behind me (money wise) so my Dad has paid for me & my kids & I will pay him back over a few months.
I think if your parents are that bothered, they should cough up themselves, even if only for you & the flower girl.

expatinscotland · 28/01/2010 21:13

YANBU.

My sister would never have dreamed of doing this to me because it's self-centred and Bridezilla.

I'd tell her, 'Tough, don't have the money.'

I don't believe in getting in debt for someone else's selfish desires.

I'm with 5foot5.

zipzap · 28/01/2010 21:17

Is she doing it this way because the wedding itself will be cheaper for her overall than having a big fancy reception do you think? Maybe she's thinking in terms of the overall cost of the wedding and conveniently blanking how much extra it will cost everyone else.

And if your parents always talk about 'cutting your cloth...' then make sure you use that phrase when you talk to them about it.

How well does your DH get on with your mum? Could he talk to her along the lines of 'I'm so worried about Tinks&f because she's so stressed out about sister's wedding... sis just doesn't seem to want to understand that we don't have [insert actual amount it is going to cost you overall] - and we're like you, we always cut our cloth according to what we have, don't like using credit cards as by the way the interest adds up it's going to cost another £xxx, we just don't have the money. etc etc etc.

and maybe say that he thinks that if you go just by yourself you could maybe stretch to it (if you could) or see if they have any other solution that getting heavily into debt (even if they do make a contribution it still sounds like you are going to have to fork out quite a bit more).

hope that they become a bit less bridezilla-ish about it!

WidowWadman · 28/01/2010 21:26

As someone who got married abroad,or rather I got married in my home country, but live with my English husband in the UK, I can see both sides.

If it's out of budget, it's out of budget, and the couple should be understanding. About 30% of the UK people we invited to our wedding couldn't make it, and we didn't bear any grudges. It's understood. We would have been delighted had they made it, and we considered it the biggest present anyone could make that they came and attended.

However, if you actually really want to go, and only worry about the cost, have you considered other means of travel than flying? Ferry is mostly cheaper, and saves you airport parking and car hire. A lot of our wedding guests made a holiday, or at least an extended weekend out of it, so it kind of justified the journey more.