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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to want to take my 4 month old baby to a wedding in America?

41 replies

PJsAreClothesToo · 28/01/2010 11:00

My baby is due in April. We have just been invited to a wedding in America in August. Baby will be approx 4 months by then. This is my first. I emailed the bride straightaway to say "Is it ok if we don't give you a reply immediately but wait and see how things go with the new baby before committing ourselves?" And I said lots of other nice things too... The thing is, I really only sent the email out of politeness as we have already decided we are definitely not going. (We have known the date/location of the wedding for some time) In due course, I expect to send a proper rsvp declining.

The bride is a school friend of mine. We were fairly good friends before she moved to the States last year, but not extremely close. She can run hot and cold. Part of the same crowd though and am close to others within the group.

AIBU to think that it's completely obvious we wont be going on a trans-Atlantic trip with a 16 week old(ish) baby? The flight, the packing up of the kitchen sink, the jet-lag, the babysitting issues. I feel weepy just thinking about it. Who knows? Maybe we'll get a great baby who sleeps like a dream. But maybe we won't. I imagine at 4 months you are still in a daze, just trying to keep baby alive and body and soul together! I'm imagining the sheer amount of stuff we would have to take - baby will still be in a Moses basket at that stage, am I supposed to just dump him in a hotel cot? And what do you do with a tiny baby during the wedding itself? Push them around the room in a pram all day? It's an indoor venue and not a hotel. And in the evening? Does one of us go back to the hotel and sit watching tv? There's a rehearsal dinner the night before plus stag/hens earlier in the week? Do you think they expect us to get babysitters for all this? I'm hoping to still be breastfeeding. How would that work? My god, I'm getting wound up just thinking about it.

Other friends (including one who has a toddler and whose husband thinks it's no big deal and keeps going on about how babies are so portable at this stage, even though they didn't go anywhere for 6 months when their first was born and even then it was to a cottage in Wales!) are going but are making a 2-week trip out of it. AIBU not to want to have a big holiday in America this summer? It's not just the flight and the expense but the logistics of the whole thing and the idea of planning a major trip while coping with a new-born. And surely the only way anyone can justify the cost is to make a holiday out of it. We can hardly go for the weekend.

My parents think I'm mad to even give this a second thought. But the bride hasn't replied to my email yet and I'm wondering if she's a bit miffed about it.

AIBU to think that if you choose to get married so far from home (admittedly they do live there now but you know what I mean) you just have to accept that not everybody will be able to come. And to be bloody grateful if anybody comes!

We're not going. Suppose I just want her to email back and say that she understands and not to worry....

OP posts:

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 28/01/2010 11:02

I haven't read all your post as tbh there wasn't a need too.

You don't want to go. It doesn't really matter why and there is no problem with not wanting to go.

Get your proper invite then rsvp a no, unless you feel able to say a no now.

ImSoNotTelling · 28/01/2010 11:11

I think that if the answer is no, you were unwise to send her an email stalling her and saying can you wait and see etc.

I think you should have got the actual invite and said no as well.

My DH does this - if you mean no why do you say maybe?

ArcticFox · 28/01/2010 11:13

IMO she's probably not actually expecting you to go, but invited you because she didn't want to make that assumption and make you feel as though you'd been dropped/ deliberately excluded (My H and I actually had a section of our guest list called "to be invited but won't come" when we were working out numbers. It included everyone with a baby

Sassybeast · 28/01/2010 11:14

YANBU. You don't want to go so don't go. She will understand.

Original poster

PJsAreClothesToo · 28/01/2010 11:19

I feel so stupid. I totally agree with all of you! I wish I hadn't sent that email at all. You're quite right. They probably know we're not going and will be surprised we're bothering to pretend otherwise. Damn. Am v.cross with myself. It was actually DH's idea to send the email - I was all for just rsvping in the normal way. Maybe it's a bloke thing? Part of the reason I wanted to be polite and "let her down gently" is that I'm actually seeing her in a few weeks when she comes to collect her wedding dress which she ordered here before they moved to the US.

BTW, we did receive the proper invite, with an rsvp card enclosed...

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 28/01/2010 11:21

When my son was 6 my brother chose to get married in Las Vegas of all places! As a single mum I couldn't imagine taking a young child to America for a few days... coping with long-haul flights and jet lag. Brrr.

Turn your friend down nicely. Real friends will understand

Sassybeast · 28/01/2010 11:22

Don't feel stupid - blames the hormones Just do the official RSVP and stop letting it worry you

ImSoNotTelling · 28/01/2010 11:23

I think you should let her know that you aren't going ASAP TBH, even though it's a while off it will be useful for her to know for numbers etc.

Don't worry about it, I'm sure she will understand.

I think it must be a man thing, drives me up teh wall TBH.

skinsl · 28/01/2010 11:24

don't worry yourself about it so much. If you don't want to go, just say no. I am sure they will understand. I'm sure she's not miffed, maybe she is wondering how to reply so she doesn't upset you, finding the right words to say it's ok. It does seem like a mammoth project to get a little one on a plane. However IME a 4month old is easier than a toddler!! But I never would have thought that at the time, only with hindsight!

geordieminx · 28/01/2010 11:25

tbh baby usually are pretty portable at that age, and you really dont need much stuff if you are breast feeding, travel cot, boobs, a sling and some clothes. Sorted.

It doesnt sound like you want to go, which is fine, but at least be honest.

If it was me i would have loved to have gone when ds was 4 months old, certainly a lot easier than when he was at 14 months or 24 months! I would have viewed it as a lovely holiday, and used baby as an excuse to get out of the boring bits!

Bimble · 28/01/2010 11:27

PJS I don't think she'll be offended at all and perhaps you could explain when you see her that you've had a real dilemma about the whole thing and the email was a result of that. If she's a real friend then she'll understand unless of course she's in 'bridezilla mode' and stressed out about the wedding!! (Cackles at recent bride memory!) Anyway look the main thing is not to let it wind you up you've made your decision so stick to it...it's not like you're pulling out at the last minute!

chocolaterabbit · 28/01/2010 11:27

Just say no. They're probably not really expecting you to anyway and it would be better to let them know earlier so they can make catering arrangements etc

HopingLovedTheSnow · 28/01/2010 11:29

YANBU at all!

I travel to the US a lot, and sat next to a woman with a 6mo (ish) baby on my last trip.

I'm TTC my first at the moment, so don't really have any frame of reference but actually thought the baby was remarkably good and relatively quiet.

This didn't stop a whole load of passengers generally tutting and muttering when the baby made any noise at all. (Not me I hasten to add - I ended up holding the lovely little bundle while his mother flipped her seat into the bed thingy )

So, just combine your own concerns with the fact that the rest of the passengers are likely to give you a hard time - Frankly, I can't think of anything worse!

The bride will understand, even if she doesn't, anybody she whinges to will tell her in no uncertain terms that she is the one being very U.

skidoodle · 28/01/2010 11:34

YANBU but that is actually a great age to travel with a baby.

As geordieminx says, they are really portable, especially if breastfeeding. They don't really need much in the way of toys and and you're not into the whole weaning thing yet.

When DD was 4 months old we went to a wedding in Portugal and had a brilliant time.

In fact, we're trying to plan a family holiday this year around being able to travel when the baby I'm having any minute now is around 4-5 months old. Admittedly, we're not planning a transatlantic flight.

The thing is though, if the thought of it is filling you with dread then you're under no obligation to go. And your friend will understand, of course she will.

skidoodle · 28/01/2010 11:37

I've flown with DD a fair bit, including a flight to the US when she was 18 months old and I've never found people anything other than very nice and understanding.

Don't allow fear of unreasonable passengers to put you off - otherwise children, tall people and people with knobbly knees would never be able to fly anywhere.

threetimemummy · 28/01/2010 11:44

It is up to you. GO if yu want to, dont go if you wont want to.

TBH I actually think it is better the way you sent the email. You may decide when bubby is 2 months old that it is fine to go!!

We flew from Australia to the UK (London then drove to Wales) when our first child was only 5 weeks old!! It was no ig de for us ,but i understand that it is a cause of stress for others.

Just take it as it comes - like I said, go if you want to but I actualyl think it is a good idea to see how you feel once baby is actually here!!

Good Luck!

SoupDragon · 28/01/2010 11:54

For heavens sake, GO! You are worrying about nothing (with the benefit of hindsight! ). It's a piece of cake (I speak as one who's flown to Antigua with a 5 year old, a 7 year old and a 6 month old and no other adult).

You do not need to pack the kitchen sink - this is America you're talking about, not the wilds of Borneo. You can buy nappies there for a start and if you are breastfeeding, they will require no food.

What's wrong with a hotel cot? Take a pop up moses basket if you're really worried.

Get a sling for the baby. It can say there all day, including the evening whilst you have a good time.

Or, if you don't want to go, turn the official invote down and put it all behind you.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 28/01/2010 11:57

At 4 months that is by far the easiest age to travel with a baby, book seats where you can also pre book a bassinet. We travelled to Antigua with nearly 3 yr old and 5 month old and the baby was brilliant while DD was very hard work.

pooexplosions · 28/01/2010 12:00

YANBU to not go, but YABVU to assume that nobody could possibly do such a difficult thing as to actually travel with a baby!
There is no reason why you couldn't go if you wanted to, and you are making a big fuss about little things (eg "I am supposed to just dump it in a hotel cot" ).
If you want to go, go. if you don't want to go, don't. But they aren't asking you to go to the moon so do calm down a bit.

Morloth · 28/01/2010 12:07

It is not obvious that you can't do it.

Lots of people do that and much more (i.e. you would probably have a bit of a fit if you saw what we had planned for when bubs is 3 months old).

But you don't need a reason. If it seems too hard and you don't want to go, then just give your regrets and don't go.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 28/01/2010 12:10

I also agree that 4 months is a great age to travel they need a lot less at that age than a few months down the line when they are also on the move as well as having far more stuff to take.

Yes just pop it in the hotel cot baby will be absolutely fine and no one of you doesn't have to go and sit in hotel room all night, pop the baby in the pram beside you and enjoy your evening believe me this becomes less possible the older they get.

If you don't want to go then of course don't go but honestly you will find that when the baby is 4 months old that you probably could have done it after all.

mazzystartled · 28/01/2010 12:16

Ok first baby is one almighty humdinger of a shock to the system. However a child is never going to be any less trouble at 4 months than they are at any point during the whole rest of their lives, and you are usually out of the twilight zone and wanting to feel normal again.

If any little part of you wants to go to the wedding, it is a wonderful opportunity and reason to see lots of people and show of your pfb. All the problems you imagine are little ones - I went to Sweden with dd at just under 4 months (and 2.5 year old ds) and it was a breeze, tbh - we improvised a bit here and there but it was fine.

DuelingFanjo · 28/01/2010 12:21

just say no?

TheBossofMe · 28/01/2010 12:25

I was regularly travelling with DD at that age - several long-haul trips and more short-haul trips than I can even remember before she was a year old (visiting family living abroad, going on short breaks, having lovely holidays, any excuse to make the most of my maternity leave. TBH, it was easy - she slept anywhere, fed easily, no problems with jetlag. It's now that is the problem (terrible twos - sigh). By 4 months I was well past the "new baby" stage and feeling like an old hand.

However, if you don't want to go, then don't. Just don't procrastinate - its probably that if anything that is pissing off the bride. She has plans to make as well and might be able to invite someone else if you aren't going.

MorrisZapp · 28/01/2010 12:28

If you were still childless, would this be a wedding you would definitely go to?

It's a bit of a stretch to expect anybody - baby or no baby - to attend a wedding overseas. For this reason alone, the bride will expect lots of people to politely decline her invite.

Don't feel bad. Weddings are expensive and you're saving her cash. Nobody is obliged to attend anybody's wedding, especially those that involve long haul expensive travel.

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