Not to want to take my 4 month old baby to a wedding in America?

[PJsAreClothesToo]

My baby is due in April. We have just been invited to a wedding in America in August. Baby will be approx 4 months by then. This is my first. I emailed the bride straightaway to say "Is it ok if we don't give you a reply immediately but wait and see how things go with the new baby before committing ourselves?" And I said lots of other nice things too... The thing is, I really only sent the email out of politeness as we have already decided we are definitely not going. (We have known the date/location of the wedding for some time) In due course, I expect to send a proper rsvp declining.

The bride is a school friend of mine. We were fairly good friends before she moved to the States last year, but not extremely close. She can run hot and cold. Part of the same crowd though and am close to others within the group.

AIBU to think that it's completely obvious we wont be going on a trans-Atlantic trip with a 16 week old(ish) baby? The flight, the packing up of the kitchen sink, the jet-lag, the babysitting issues. I feel weepy just thinking about it. Who knows? Maybe we'll get a great baby who sleeps like a dream. But maybe we won't. I imagine at 4 months you are still in a daze, just trying to keep baby alive and body and soul together! I'm imagining the sheer amount of stuff we would have to take - baby will still be in a Moses basket at that stage, am I supposed to just dump him in a hotel cot? And what do you do with a tiny baby during the wedding itself? Push them around the room in a pram all day? It's an indoor venue and not a hotel. And in the evening? Does one of us go back to the hotel and sit watching tv? There's a rehearsal dinner the night before plus stag/hens earlier in the week? Do you think they expect us to get babysitters for all this? I'm hoping to still be breastfeeding. How would that work? My god, I'm getting wound up just thinking about it.

Other friends (including one who has a toddler and whose husband thinks it's no big deal and keeps going on about how babies are so portable at this stage, even though they didn't go anywhere for 6 months when their first was born and even then it was to a cottage in Wales!) are going but are making a 2-week trip out of it. AIBU not to want to have a big holiday in America this summer? It's not just the flight and the expense but the logistics of the whole thing and the idea of planning a major trip while coping with a new-born. And surely the only way anyone can justify the cost is to make a holiday out of it. We can hardly go for the weekend.

My parents think I'm mad to even give this a second thought. But the bride hasn't replied to my email yet and I'm wondering if she's a bit miffed about it.

AIBU to think that if you choose to get married so far from home (admittedly they do live there now but you know what I mean) you just have to accept that not everybody will be able to come. And to be bloody grateful if anybody comes!

We're not going. Suppose I just want her to email back and say that she understands and not to worry....

Not read it all, sounds like lots of politics in your email. YANBU not to want to go, but saying - maybe, I'll see how it go is unreasonable - it kinda devalues her event by making it a take or leave thing for you. I realise you didn't intend to do that, but that is how it would have felt for her. A wedding is a big deal to organise, and people treating it like a drop in is very frustrating.

Give her a ring (do you know her number?) and tell her how chuffed you are for her getting married, then just tell you won't be able to go. Don't get into email strings and maybes etc. Just be straight with her.

Maybe give up on the emailing and just ring her? And tell her the truth - you just don't think you'll be up to it with such a young baby. Which is completely fair enough.

Taking a 4m old baby to America, and looking after it while things are going on is no problem at all, you'll be doing all sorts of things with a baby to hand by 4m otherwise your life will come to a complete stop - you really are overthinking the problems. No, you dn't need a babysitter, you take a 4m baby with you, in buddy or sling! We took DS away for a long weekend in this country when he was 2.5 weeks, Greece, including overland travel and a ferry, when he was 9 weeks, and a long haul (longer than the U.S) to a less-resourced country when he was 8m. All fine.

However, it is perfectly reasonable to politely decline an invitation to an abroad wedding on grounds of cost, not able to get time off work, or any other reason you feel you can't or don't want to go. But let her know NOW. If you WANT to go, don't let your baby stop you - because there is no need.

I wouldn't attend a wedding to a costly abroad destination unless it was somewhere that fitted very well with hol plans, that I really wnated to make. I can't afford it, and am not prepared to foredo a hol on the basis of someone else's wedding. Unless it was v close family and there was a reason (like marrying someone from that country) that the wedding has to be an expensive plane ride away.

I appreciate all your good points.

They have put 1st May as an rsvp date so I don't think I'm messing her around by not having said immediately.

Although I feel my email was unhelpful, surely she'll read it and think "well, they're not coming then". I don't think my prevarication will be a big issue.

It's great to hear of people getting on with their lives post-baby, very encouraging! Just hard to see it that way pre-baby...

Poor OP! It's your first and you don't know what to expect.
In fairness they are quite portable at that age, esp if you are BFing.
People are saying you don't need much, yet slings, prams and pop up travel cots are all being mentioned. Also you probably will need a babysiytter for some of the preliminary events.
There are some fantastically gungho types here who simply had the baby, strapped it their nipple and went on with their lives. That didn't happen for me and tbh the thought of a week in the States would have hung over me during the early days. I'm a homebird though and when I am feeling delicate need my familiar surroundings. So which type are you? FWIW I don't think you were wrong to send that We'll See email. It is very early days yet for confirming numbers for the bride, don't worry about it.

I agree with the person who said they are probably not really expecting you. If she minds, well, I do find it very easy to disregard anyone in Bridezilla mode and pick them up again when they are over themselves.

PJ - pre-baby I was just like you and would have had a fit at the very thought. Its amazing how quickly you get used to having a little one in tow. Best of luck!

PJ it is so hard to see it before baby arrives as you do have the panic of what life will be like afterwards, especially when so many people seem to delight in telling you all their horror stories.

Do what you feel is best but honestly if ou actually want to go then go the thought will almost certainly be worse than the deed.
If you really don't want to go then you have a perfect and legitimate excuse for not going.

Agree with a lot of what people have said here - young babies are remarkably portable and it's certainly much easier on a long haul flight with one that age than with a toddler.

It is a shock to the system when you have your first but for me the key to getting through that was to carry on as normally-ish as possible. We booked to go to San Francisco when DS was 3 weeks and were all set for going until I got really ill and was rushed back into hospital. Oh and if you did want to go, there are companies in the US where you can hire everything you need - from sterilising equipment, to moses baskets etc etc.

I'm sure, however, that your friend will totally understand if you don't want to go with such a young baby. I would let her know as soon as you can.

Good luck.

DH and I were a bit like you pre-baby. I remember packing up our car to take our 6 week old to visit relatives. We took everything bar the kitchen sink, it was ridiculous. We even took 2 thermometers.

After DS2 was born, I made the same trip. I slung a few sleepsuits, nappies and wipes in a bag and set off. He was breastfeeding, travelled in a sling and slept in the bed with me.

Babies are really portable an when they are really small you can take them anywhere. They are also a great ice-breaker. If you would have gone pre-pregnancy, then go. It will be fine.

"no one of you doesn't have to go and sit in hotel room all night, pop the baby in the pram beside you and enjoy your evening believe me this becomes less possible the older they get."

Well in my DD's case this was no longer possible by the time she was 10 weeks old and we went to our first wedding (quite local) with her.

I have spent evenings in hotel rooms at wedding, sometimes swapping out with DH, sometimes one or other of us staying downstairs while the other had a (very welcome) rest.

A baby you could plonk in a pram that would sleep while you socialised would have been great, but it doesn't always work out that way.

I don't see any problem with telling her you'll let her know later on. I certainly wouldn't have see that as any kind of "slight" on my wedding and if anything would have been really pleased that you were even considering it given the big year you're about to have.

How you're handling things sounds fine - assume you're not going and then you don't have to stress about it, but maybe you'll change your mind.

Just because it's easier to travel with a 4mo rather than with a toddler, doesn't mean it's easy.

You very obviously don't want to go, and shouldn't if that's how you feel, BUT...it really is pretty easy travelling with a baby that tiny...we moved to England from China when ds was only 6 weeks, and I travelled with him to America when he was only 3 months (both of those trips made solo, btw). Young babies don't need a whole lot...and even if you are formula feeding, it's not all that difficult. Plus, having the baby with you means you have an excuse not to do some of those boring wedding things.
But...this is your first baby, and if the thought of going stresses you right out, then you're absolutely right to stay put, and enjoy the new babe.
Congrats by the way...hope things go well!!

I took ds to a wedding in Boston when he was 17 weeks. It was very straightforward - I took a sling and a folding Maclaren in which he could lie flat. I was breastfeeding and the hotel supplied a travel cot. I did both legs of the flight on my own as dh was there before to help with preparations (it was his brother getting married) and on the way back as for cost reasons we were on different flights.

It was a breeze - everyone at the airport and on the flight was very helpful, ds slept like an angel ( which was not his usual habit at the time) and at the wedding he just dozed in the sling or got passed around various guests.

Now he's 2 and we've been invited to a wedding in Philadelphia in the summer. Now that really would be madness!!

I can see it's very hard to predict how you'll feel and you're perfectly within your rights to decline. But don't rule it out completely without a thought- we had a great time.

I think its obvious that if you don't want to go then of course you shouldn't plan to go. Your friend probably doesn't expect you to go. As someone else said, we had a few people who we invited to our wedding because we wanted to invite them and include them even though we knew that that probably couldn't come.

You might be lucky and be in a position when babe is 4 months that they are sleeping well, feeding well and you feel fine, but there is no way of knowing that now. For every mother who feels on top of things by 4 months there is a mother who is still getting to grips with things. Unless you really want to go away and feel confident that you'll cope with it, don't give yourself the added pressure.

If you find that you really would like a summer holiday, wait til closer to the time and book a last minute holiday somewhere closer to home and have a lovely first family holiday yourselves.

I think it completely depends on how close you are to your friend....

I was bridesmaid to a very, very good friend at 3.5 months postpartum and we had to travel with baby from SF to London. We, um, had a very colicky baby that screamed most of the time even when we were 'wearing' him and b/fing on demand (note: some babies are just like that... it has feck all to do with your parenting!)So, DH had to 'wear' the baby over his suit (God love him...) and take him out of the church/reception area to rock him for the requisite 40 minutes before he fell asleep, and I had to keep popping my boob out of my (very nice!) bridesmaid's outfit...

As you can tell, it was a bit of a nightmare, and the only reason we did it was cos friend and I were so close and I had agreed to be B/Maid at the wedding.

Having said that, I do think we are a bit gung ho and just did it, even though temperament of baby made it such a nightmare...

Expecting No. 2 in April... wonder what that will be like after exhilirating experience with DS?!!