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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to explain facts of life to 9 year old daughter

34 replies

clankypanky · 28/01/2010 10:18

She has been complaining of achy tummy, achy back, achy down her legs on and off for 3 weeks or so now and I didnt want her to have a horrid shock one day. I think I explained it really well and she is such a good girl and very understanding but bless her, when i divulged about how a baby gets made she was absolutely horrified....(dont worry I did reassure her about everything, Im pretty sure I was as sensitive as I could be) She just seems so young but I know of girls starting their periods age 9 and she is a tall girl which I think is meant to make you more likey to start early. I just didnt want her to be scared, unfortunately I think she has been worrying about it anyway. Should I have waited? Should I have only told her certain bits?

OP posts:

fernie3 · 28/01/2010 10:20

YANBU to have told her she is old enough to know although I have to say I am surprised she didnt know how a baby was made at nine - how did you do this! my daughter asks question now which make me splutter and shes only 5!

inchhighprivateeye · 28/01/2010 10:22

No, I think you did the right thing. This generation of girls start their periods a year before we did, and 1 in 8 girls starts their periods whilst at primary school. So even if they seem young, it's something parents need to be talking about. But just keep it simple, no need to go into huge gynae detail.

TheFirstLady · 28/01/2010 10:24

Of course YANBU. TBH I think 9 is late, not early, for a child to know this stuff.

chandellina · 28/01/2010 10:25

my parents told me about sex and babies when i was about 4. it was great because i never really didn't know, and it just became part of my general knowledge.

FutureMum · 28/01/2010 10:29

My parents never had a chat about the facts of life with me. I think I was always more or less aware (I had an older sister and friends who were better informed), but my teenage years could have been better if they had told me. I think it was down to their shyness and culture and religion, to be honest, so not anyone's fault, but YANBU, in fact, well done for giving your daughter a well informed start in life.

mummygirl · 28/01/2010 10:35

YANBU

I had my period and boobs and hips by the time I was 10, so not early at all to talk to her. My dd (now almost 5) has always known that mummy's vagina sometimes bleeds and mummy needs tampons and "mummy-nappies" and that it can make mummy a bit achy. She also knows that one day she'll have all this and that it's normal, plus the making babies bit. As chandellina says, she doesn't remember NOT knowing.

Sooner or later talk of this kind will be going around your DD's circle of friends, better for her to have her facts straight from you

ArcticFox · 28/01/2010 10:38

YANBU and I remember being equally horrified and saying to my sister "If I want children I'm going to adopt because I wouldn't ever want to have to do THAT.....with a BOY. Yuck"

Don't worry. I came round to the idea!

choosyfloosy · 28/01/2010 10:44

Absolutely YANBU - on the late side if anything. I am not a hundred years old, but my education about the facts of life consisted of one day aged about 11 finding that my mother had put some sanitary stuff in my clothes drawer. That was the extent of our 'chat'. To top it off, she had put in some looped towels and a special pair of pants that you attached them to - even in the early 80s there was more of a range of stuff available than that!

When i went off on my French exchange aged 13 for 3 weeks she did summon up courage to talk to me about it - by staring out of the window and saying over her shoulder 'talk to your exchange girl's mother about it if it happens while you are away'. THAT WAS IT. Obviously no information about sex at all either.

My mother is lovely in so many ways and a great mother to me from the neck up. Below that, frankly, she abdicated her responsibilities. However horrified your daughter seems, she was at least able to be horrified around you!

humptynumpty · 28/01/2010 10:48

YANBU, my mum explained about periods etc when i was about 9. she explained what would happen and why you have periods, she didn't so much go into the details of sex and how to do it. Then she had some books etc which iirc were quite good explaining about puberty for me to read if i wanted.
maybe seemed a bit ott, but tbh I would rather my dd knew all about this than waited for her to find out from friends etc who may be misinformed. Like you said, no harm preparing her for what's gonna happen and then it won't be a big deal.
Good for you for giving her the information (sorry to rant but am still in after going to parenting class yesterday and girl there who seemed totally clueless about how she even got pregnant in the first place made me really !)

Chil1234 · 28/01/2010 10:50

Given the prevalence of teenage pregancies I'd say a) it's good that you explained everything and b) it's good that she left the conversation 'slightly horrified' If she's got the real facts delivered in an appropriate way from a loving mother she'll be so much better prepared for when she gets her first period and less likely to listen to the half-truths and scare stories that flourish in the average playground.

Gubbins · 28/01/2010 11:31

My 5 and 3 year olds have known for some time about periods, why they happen, what you do when you have one and that they will have them too one day. How do you avoid their knowing this stuff when it's impossible to go to the loo on your own.

They also know that they have a vagina and boys/men have a willy and that the daddy puts his willy in the mummy's vagina and that is how he plants the seed that becomes a baby. They have also been told that the baby comes out of the mummy's vagina, but I don't think they believe that bit.

The facts of life should not be imparted in one, embarassing talk. It should just be covered in dribs and drabs, led by the child and as answers to their questions, preferably when they are too young to have picked up any nonsense about it being embarassing. Of course you were right to tell your daughter. It sounds like she is about to start mensturating and I can't imagine anything worse than having your first period and not knowing what it is, where it's from or whether you're bleeding to death. It's all normal, we all do it and the sooner they know the better. Hopefully, now you have broached the subject you'll find her coming back to you with further enquiries.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 28/01/2010 11:37

YANBU and like others I am surprised at how long you have not had to have the conversation. My dd has known 'everything' (her words) about how babies are made, born, feed etc but it was only about 6 months ago that we had the period talk. She has decided that she isn't going to start but doesn't know how she's going to manage to stop them arriving. It is essential that it is all out in the open. My dd is 8.8 and we had the sex talk in dribs and drabs since she was about 4.

crankytwanky · 28/01/2010 11:39

Of course YANBU. My DD is nearly 8 and doesnt know the full story yet, which I am ashamed about. I'm not usually squeamish or prudish. I'm open about death and birth but not sex for some reason. DD thinks I have done "it" 3 times.

In Scandinavian countries I am lead to believe they are very no-nonsense and have a lower teenage pregnancy rate. (Unsure of stats.)

Chandellina, you make a good point about telling them young, so it's never an issue. Just a genuine fact of life.

newpup · 28/01/2010 12:07

My DD1 is 10 and quite young for her age, very innocent. I had 'the chat' with her when she was 9 as she was going to get sex education at school and wanted her to hear the info from me first.

I mostly talked about how her body would change and periods etc but did explain how babies were made. She was horrified and apparently is never going to do that!!

I remember thinking the same at her age! I talked about how she could always ask me about anything and that not everything her friends say is true, they may not have the right information so if in doubt check!

I did pull her out of the last sex education lesson as they watched a dvd about boys doing what boys do and what happens and at the parent viewing I felt that it would worry her at this stage more than inform her. So she watched the one on making babies and how girls bodies change.

I felt very much that as much as possible I wanted her to only have the information she needed at the time. She was not ready for an overload of info about willies ! I definately favour the play it by ear approach and whilst I want her to be informed I do not think she needs to know everything yet!

ILovePlayingDarts · 28/01/2010 12:14

My dd is 9 and a half, we have this week talked to her about periods and pregnancy and bodies changing. The only bit I haven't yet explained is the actual act of sex. She'll be getting the school's education soon enough, and our school is sensible and careful about their approach. My dd is definitely going through puberty, and I anticipate periods starting in the next 6-12 month, judging by the progress so far. she's not going to be the first in her year by any means.

Original poster

clankypanky · 29/01/2010 14:11

Thanks everyone,genuinely grateful. Now feel slightly less guilty that she was 'horrified'. I had only intended to tell her about periods and bodies changing but found I couldnt tell that without the other. I had in actual fact told her stuff a long time ago and was amazed how cool she was but it was a bit like she had completely forgotten about it. Its not the first time Ive told her how babies are made, especially as I had one 2 years ago...you can imagine there were a lot of q's about it then and I was always very honest about it and she just took as it was, I was quite surprised by her horror and by her lack of knowledge. Obviously they hear what they want when they are younger and now its a bit more relevant its a bit more shocking. Shes very sensible though. She said that when she is older she wants to have babies but first she is going to travel the world and save loads of money!!!! wish id been that sensible (probably would have been if my Mum had had the chat with me!)

OP posts:

girlywhirly · 29/01/2010 14:39

You can get really good books now for pre-teens about puberty and sex, should not take the place of discussions with you, but supplement and enhance what she has already learned. Look on Amazon or in Smiths or Waterstones in childrens reference section. If you read them through youself first, they can give you an idea how to describe things you find difficult or embarrassing!

madwomanintheattic · 29/01/2010 14:45

dd1 had her first sex ed lessons at school last year (8). the girls also had their own 'managing periods' lesson, as the school were becoming aware that quite a high percentage were starting to menstruate around 9.

afaik, it's fairly standard. they don't actually show them the birth video until year 6 though . i guess that ties in nicely with the contraception reminders!

madhairday · 29/01/2010 14:57

YANBU. My dd is 9.5 and I have recently done this with her, have to recommend the Usborne Book For Girls (there's one for boys too obv)as we talked through each page and it made it quite clear without too much cringe factor. I think they need to know at this age, my dd is young for her age which is why we waited this long, but has also been talking about aches and pains and has been stroppy and hormonal in the extreme. My friends 9 yr old dd has started to develop breasts and underarm hair so my dd has also been asking about that, so I think it's important they know.

Southwind · 29/01/2010 15:41

YANBU - I never hid my periods or body from my DD and she would ask me "whats that" and why do you have blood" and so on....she actually developed boobs, underarm hair and mood swings at aged 8 and her periods started at age 9.

We often talk openly about why this happens to girls at different ages and we are now also discussing what happens to boys when they develop. I also bought her a the book mentioned above called "Whats happening to me" by Usborne. They do one for girls and one for boys and I think it helped her to process what was happening.

It does make me sad that girls seem to be developing alot earlier these days and I do not like seeing her when she has period pain, but hey at least I have some one to eat chocolate with and moan about how men have it easy LOL!

5Foot5 · 29/01/2010 20:21

YANBU.

I told DD the basics when she was 7. She already knew babies grew in their Mums tums but hadn't queried how they got to be in there in the first place. I wanted to tell her myself before she heard a garbled version from friends (which is what happened to me) She took this quite well and I just added bits e.g. about periods as she got older.

One of her bfs started periods at 8/9 so I made sure she knew all about it but in the end she was nearly 14 before she started them.

MaggieTaSeFuar · 29/01/2010 23:39

how much detail should you go into for a 7 year old though?

my dd has asked how does the man's seed get into the woman's tummy??

is it really ok to tell a 7 year old about penises going into vaginas??? I know she'd be horrified if i actually told her. but i don't like changing the subject either. sorry for thread hijack

mii · 29/01/2010 23:48

why would she be horrified?

what is horrifying about it? We are usually the ones who are embarrased and pass this on to the DC.

Its just biology people!

BrahmsThirdRacket · 30/01/2010 01:37

Get her some guinea pigs, a boy and a girl. Job done.

Mumcentreplus · 30/01/2010 01:48

Its not a one size fits all...if you think she needs the information then tell her..if you think she doesn't then hold off..my DDs asked me about periods when they were 5 and 6 yrs I explained they what the period is and that they are a normal amd natural part of being a woman..the way your body prepares to have a baby..

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