to wonder why I have to go to a 'mystery party' I don't want to go to?

[pandora69]

Last week we received an invite through the post from BIL, his girlfriend and their kids inviting us to a family celebration to celebrate a 'surprise' family event. The event is being held in 4 weeks time.

I already had plans for that weekend - my mother is returning from travelling in India, and my sister is coming down to visit and intending to make a few days of it, sightseeing and doing nice things with our children together. She lives over 200 miles away, but we both make the effort to stay in each other's lives as much as we can, and want our children to grow up as close cousins. I visit her and she visits me.

Husband's brother, OTOH, has been off the radar for years. Every so often we are summonsed to OH's parent's house for some momentous family event, which usually turns out to be me and OH sitting in a stone cold house listening to the clock ticking while his parents do whatever it is they are doing. (God knows what it is they are doing though whenever we go to visit. It doesn't involve interacting with us!) His sister sometimes comes along too, but his 2 brothers never go. His eldest brother NEVER goes. Not to milestone birthdays, housewarmings, christenings, anything. He doesn't do family. His girlfriend is very keen to ingratiate herself into the family, but is struggling against the tide of disapproval that stems from her being the ex-best friend of his first wife.

So noone knows what this special occasion they all wish us to share with them is. It is being celebrated on a Saturday evening 180 miles away from where we live, and no amount of phone calls will elicit an explanation from them. OH is convinced they are getting married, but late in the evening? In their house in Sheffield? There is none of the offer of any assistance in finding accommodation that would normally accompany a wedding - not a problem unless you are trying to figure out what to do with your 2 year old.

OH things I am being silly about not wanting to go, and to spend the weekend with my sister instead. And to my surprise my mother agrees with OH! But I am not sure if I am being unreasonable to not want to cancel all my plans to go on a wild goose chase to the other end of the country at the request of a prodigal brother who 'doesn't do family.'

Phew. That took longer than I expected!

No. I wouldn't go to any surprise "do". EVER. But that's just me....

Sounds like my idea of hell to be honest. Tell them you have plans that you can't cancel. Can OH go by himself?

Are you me OP? Our OH's familes sound spookily similar.
As to what they are planning, I would be very pissed off if I got there and they were NOT getting married after that build up. Hard to think what else it could be to prompt that level of solipsistic partyzillishness.
I think if your Mum is OK with it and your OH wants to go then you should. But pointed enquiries about accommodation first. And also about the suitability of the mystery celebration for a toddler.

I can understand your point of view. If your DH is so keen to go and not take your feelings into account, why doesn't he go without you? Sounds like it is normally a terrible experience getting together with these folk. Good luck.

It does sound as though they're getting married.

It's obviously some sort of big deal if they're really pushing it when they don't usually do family.

So go. You'll feel like a curmudgen and a killjoy if it does turn out to be a wedding (or something else 'big') and you didn't go because you're punishing them for not being super-close to you previously.

They have won the lottery and will present you with a cheque for £1million.

I didn't know that TE. Wedding's off then.
So what could it be? Naming ceremony for the dog? Mass conversion to Scientology? Or maybe they just want to show you their holiday snaps?

I'd be inclined to tell him that I have prior engagements so he'd best stop the childish secrecy and tell me what the hell is going on so that I could decide whether it would be appropriate (and that it would be understandable to those with whom I have made other plans) for me to cancel them and attend.

Then, if I decided that it wasn't appropriate to put off my family I'd decline, safe in the knowledge that BIL knew why!

@ TheCrackFox

I would go to your thing and let your DH go to his. You will have lots to talk about when you meet up afterwards!

I would ask Dh to go without me and reply to BIL saying terribly sorry I can't come to the surprise family event but I already had plans for that weekend which can't be changed. Easy.

I'd HAVE to go, whether I wanted to or not. The suspense is killing me, and I don't even know you!

I think he's either a) going to come out b) tell you he's converted to some proselyting religion and wants everyone to join in/witness as he immerses himself in the pool or c) tell you they are moving to Tierra del Fuego.

I wouldn't change my plans though, whatever. Just make sure your partner contacts you asap to give you the lowdown.

And obviously report back here

hahaha abbie I thought I was the only nutter who would want to be nosey and just turn up to find out what the fuss was about!...but the OP sounds like shes been through this before and it did not live up to the hype..

It could be a wedding reception - the two of them get married earlier in the day with just a couple of friends as witnesses and then the big party at night

I too would go just to find out what all the secrecy was about, however once there I'd be totally disappointed as whatever it would be, it would not be worth all the speculation or hype

It could be a wedding. For some people (and obviously you know your BIL and I don't, so you may have more of an idea if this is likely or not), the wedding ceremony (not the legal bit) is the wedding ie they nip along to the registrar and do that part of it, having done that they are free to have their wedding however they like.
(I know this because I am a BHA celebrant, humanist wedding ceremonies are not legally binding any more than (in England) Muslim, Hindu or WIccan ones are).

THough given that he sounds a prize PITA and totally self-obsessed, I agree with the posters who say you should just tell him you have previous engagements and if it's something important he should tell you what it is so you can decide.

I'd love for it to be the lottery prize thing but the bloke is far too selfish to share it out with his family.

I really wouldn't mind going to his wedding celebration. But just don't know why the need for such secrecy. We don't actually know what it IS that we are off to celebrate. It might just be his relief at having a verucca removed or something .

I'll come back and let you know what the fuss was about though .

They're getting married. And they're very poncey.

Or it's a planned C-section.

At home.

If your sister is visiting from 200 miles away I'd just say I had plans and decline and let my husband go without me.
If people want rush surprise weddings or whatever that's great, but they have to accept some people will have other plans.
It all sounds a bit precious to me.

I would say DH go without you. I find it pathetic when people are secretive like that. I bet it will be a real let down.

Maybe they've got religion, hired a birth pool and are all getting baptised?

But really, they need to come clean, they are being silly. They need to accept you might have other commitments on your calendar. Can you gauge their reaction if you say you've got something planned already?

What an odd family you have married into.
You have made plans end of.
If they wont tell you what it is they are invitnng you to, tough.
If DH wants to go, he can go by himself.