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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To object to nanny being homophobic?

50 replies

bickie · 26/01/2010 20:27

I have always had a policy that our nanny should feel free to discuss their beliefs in our home, even if we don't agree with them. I want the children to understand that everyone has different beliefs - and that is fine. But my very catholic nanny apparently said to the children today 'men marrying other men makes God sad'. I almost died when they told me. I have explained to them that that is what she believes, but not what mummy or daddy believe. Which they are completely fine with - and understand. Do I say something, as I feel this is going over the line - or stick to my middle class 'live and let live' position?

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 26/01/2010 20:28

Tell the kids that Nanny's an idiot.

spongebrainbigpants · 26/01/2010 20:30

Yes, you should say something. That is absolutely outrageous and she should keep her bigotted opinions to herself.

Your kids, your right to raise them as you see fit.

What other crap is she going to tell them if you don't tell her it's unacceptable?

overmydeadbody · 26/01/2010 20:32

Confront her about it.

It's all very well to have a policy of everyone having their own beliefs, but she has not just shared her beliefs with your kids, she has told them it as if it is fact.

MNingatmidnight · 26/01/2010 20:39

I'd definitely say something to the nanny. Having your own beliefs is fine, saying homophobic things to your children and passing them off as fact is not fine - especially when it's a load of old rubbish!

I would be worried that if she is that strictly orthodox Catholic that she may be passing on other "gems" of old religious bigoted crap to your kids too.

MNingatmidnight · 26/01/2010 20:41

Such as "practising safe sex by using a condom makes God sad" - for instance!

LynetteScavo · 26/01/2010 20:43

I think you should say something. (ie kepp her opinions to her self when it comes to religion) Your children should be brought up with your beliefs, not your nannies, especially when it comes to God.

LouIsOnAHighwayToHell · 26/01/2010 20:46

You cannot stop her having her beliefs nor should they have anything to do with her being your employee but she is a fool to impart her beliefs onto your children. She is there to assist you and therefore should stick to your rules and beliefs or do nothing. I am an atheist and my bosses are Catholic. They pray before every meal etc and I do not. The DC's know I am an atheist and we discuss this occassionally but never in a conversion manner more of general interest.

Original poster
bickie · 26/01/2010 20:46

She actually is a wonderful woman - she has been our nanny for many years - and loves the kids - she just grew up in a very strict Catholic environment. I was raised Catholic (not practicing - but not bothered by most Catholic teachings) so usually it's not a problem. Before her we had a Muslim nanny who I always encouraged to tell the children stories and beliefs of her faith. But I think you're right - she has gone over the line.

OP posts:
sockythesockpuppet · 26/01/2010 20:49

I thoroughly agree with the OP. About everything, whatever it is.

sallyjaygorce · 26/01/2010 20:51

What did your children think about what she said?

ChippingIn · 26/01/2010 20:52

Bickie - I don't see how she has gone 'over the line' when you have encouraged her to 'discuss her beliefs' (bigoted or otherwise!).

However, I think you need to have a word with her and ask her to make sure she phrases her beliefs as such - as in 'I believe that God thinks....'

I am suprised that if she has been your nanny for a long time, that this hasn't been an issue before.

noddyholder · 26/01/2010 20:52

You will have to approach it as if she believes and tells them that there could be more to come!

WashwithCare · 26/01/2010 21:03

This is the generic problem with having a nanny - you're basically delegating a lot of your role to them. You want them to cook, cuddle, answer questions... i.e. replace a loving parent - but where do you draw the line?

Our last nanny was a JW. She told me at interview - DD was only 1, and as I am also a free-minded liberatarian, and she had been our first choice - I decided we couldn't really disciminate against her and offered her the job, promising to accommodater her religious views.

I have to say I wouldn't employ a JW again. It was ok when she was a baby - I didn't mind rearrangin work to take DD to Xmas parties etc (JW don't agree with Xmas), as I got to do all the fun stuff - but as DD got older it got to be more of a problem.

All Nannies brings religious or cultural convictions to work obviously, but if they are very different to your own and they feel able to voice them, it is a pain in the butt..

I would come home to hear "Nanny X doesnt' like b'day parties" - explain that to a 3 yr old! Or "Nanny isn't allowed to make Christmas pictures, but she can make snowflakes"

Not sure what the solution is.. but I suppose the problem is that I'm all up for free speech - but do you really want a religious zealot/bigot etc raising your child?

princessparty · 26/01/2010 21:13

'I have always had a policy that our nanny should feel free to discuss their beliefs in our home, even if we don't agree with them. I want the children to understand that everyone has different beliefs - and that is fine.'
well you either have to take one line or the other ! You can't have the principle that it is ok to speak about her beliefs and then criticise her when she does !
I wouldn't call it homophobic per se.she is just stating the catholic church stance.

CantucciniVS · 26/01/2010 21:17

Message withdrawn

NomDePlume · 26/01/2010 21:19

pmsl @ 'MAKES gOD SAD'

daft bugger

Original poster
bickie · 26/01/2010 21:28

sallyjaygorce - the children mentioned it in passing as I was talking about one of their Godfathers who is gay - and so they said (name of nanny) thinks that men with men etc. I told them no, it makes him happy that he is happy - and we moved on. She has never before expressed anything like this so I was very surprised. My dilemma is exactly what some of you have picked up on - can I encourage free thought and expression - but reprimand when I don't agree?

OP posts:
CantucciniVS · 26/01/2010 21:32

Message withdrawn

Original poster
bickie · 26/01/2010 21:37

I like that line of thought CantuccinVS - thank you.

OP posts:
RedbinDippers · 26/01/2010 21:49

Depends on what context your nanny offered this information. If she initiated a conversation about being gay and the went on to condemn it you may have a problem as she is likely to continue the proselytism. If the kids initiated the conversation and she responded with her views then that's a bit different. either way a gentle word can't do too much harm.

Original poster
bickie · 26/01/2010 21:57

RedbinDippers - Probably came from DS who at 7 thinks being gay looks pretty damn good - no annoying girls, hang out with your best friend and live in great apartment, travel, give Godson expensive presents etc. etc. I am imagining he came right out and said 'when I grow up - I'm going to be gay!!!'. Which might have just shocked her enough to blurt out with her 'wisdom'.

OP posts:
spongebrainbigpants · 27/01/2010 09:31

at when I grow up I'm going to be gay!

I think even more important you say something if one of their godfathers is gay - don't want them repeating this kind of crap to him (not that he won't have heard it all a thousand times before, but I certainly wouldn't want my gay brother justifying his homosexuality to my sons cos some idiot had chosen to share their bigoted views with them).

She has to preface anything like this (if she must say it) with "this is what I believe".

mayorquimby · 27/01/2010 10:14

"I have always had a policy that our nanny should feel free to discuss their beliefs in our home, even if we don't agree with them."

In fairness you've made your own bed here. It's fine to dictate that say these things to your kids but you'll have to admit that you no longer have such a policy.
Your kids raise them as you want but be prepared for her to call you a hypocrite if you have made her aware of your policy already.

mayorquimby · 27/01/2010 10:19

*that she doesn't say...

SolidGoldBrass · 27/01/2010 10:22

Oh let's see. How would you deal with a nanny who told your DC that black people are thick and lazy? Or that her imaginary friend thinks Muslims are all evil terrorists? Deal with this silly bigoted bitch in the same way ie tell her to keep her fuckwitted superstitious nonsense to herself.

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