I really would like to know if I am or not

[namehere]

Quick background, I am 30 wks pregnant with 2 other DC and am a SAHM.

About 3 mths ago I was offered some casual work until I wanted to stop (10hrs a week) doing something that I love and that also would be a real pleasure to do.

I didn't realistically think about taking it as obviously I am going to be having a baby soon and I thought the childcare would be a pain to sort out at youngest DS is only 2.4.

I mentioned it to DH and he was all for it, yy you should do it, would be nice to have some extra money, nice for you to be out working etc.

He then mentioned to MIL and she offered to provide the childcare (she doesn't work). I was v dubious as she has an awful track record for reliability and is quite flightly ie going on holiday at a days notice, always late for appts etc. DH told me I had hurt her feelings saying no and that as if she would not turn up if I had to go to work etc. She also told me she had no holidays planned until Feb (you can see where this is going?)

So we worked out what days/hours she could do and I arranged this with my work.

She lasted one week

Phoned me up the following week to ask if I needed her that week? Um well yes you kind of have to go to work every week not just once. Except there was this thing she really wanted to go to and it was only for 2 weeks and tbh she thought the whole thing might be too much for her, and DS is very energetic. WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY I HAD SAID SHE SHOULDN'T DO IT.

So, she stopped looking after DS 'but I could do the 4th of Jan between 2pm and 2.34 if you need me darling'

So I am now looking like a tit one week into my new job with NO childcare arranged.

My friend graciously offers to have DS for me, after no local childminders would take him for only a few months and hardly any had space anyway.

DH moans like a bitch about it. How he really doesn't want DS to be at her house 10hrs a week, how DS is going to bored, she isn't v good at looking after children, poor DS etc. He has taken every opportunity to moan about her looking after him, even down to her 'letting' him fall asleep in the buggy

All whilst not actually finding any solution himself.

So I manage to get DS into playschool for one of the days, DS hates it . DH and MIL moaning now that DS is going to a playschool he doesn't like, poor DS etc.

I am by this point ready to explode. I feel like shit, unsupported, guilty at leaving DS, selfish for wanting to work and generally picked on tbh.

This is when DH drops into the conversation that actually he thinks everyone has bent over backwards to help me back to work (he is talking about the two situations I needed him to run DS to my friends house) and that it's not as if you are doing a 'proper' job that you need to do, it is something that you wanted to do and now you expect everyone else to help you sort out the childcare stuff.

Please please tell me if you think I am actually BU and I will jack the job in today

No, they're being unsupportive twats.

Your dh is a wanker and your mil is a cow.

Feel better now?

Arrange it yourself (which you have done) and don't listen to any criticism, actively walk away when they start bitching.

YANBU to be pissed off with DH and MIL if that is the question. But in practice I don't see how you can keep working if DS hates the only childcare you can find - worth keeping him at it a bit longer though to see if things improve, after all, he's of an age where nursery is pretty normal.

you are not being unreasonable.

Are you happy with your ds going to your friend's house and is she happy to do it?

If so I would drop the preschool and continue with that arrangement if you can.

I would tell your dh that you went with his arrangements and they didn't work. You have now organised something else that you feel you and ds are happy with. If he is not happy with it then he needs to organise some else or he needs to shut up.

You need to stand up to him (and your MIL). You enjoy this job and you found a solution to childcare that you were happy with. If you give it in you will resent your dh for it and you won't be happy.

You need to have a serious conversation with him about it.

DH and MIL being very very unreasonable!

The more I think about it the more I feel that DH was actually just paying lip service to the whole going back to work thing. Or is childcare this difficult for everyone to sort out?

I would also give your ds a while at preschool(no-one likes change, he might settle in) - the problem is that they are heaping the guilt onto what you already feel.

IMO YANBU, I would explain to the boss how childcare plans have crumbled and apologise profusely. Am sure you will be kicking yourself for going ahead with MIL and Dh when your instinct screamed 'Nooo!'. Think of it as a learning curve, you just don't need the stress at your stage in pregnancy. Then let it go, concentrate on your DCs and yourself before baby arrives, relax a bit and enjoy these next few weeks.
Work can come at a later date, when it fits in better.
Don't waste any more energy on it all.Best of luck.

Totally agree with TheArmadillo

However, also need to add, that your MIL is - at best - a feckless cow and your DH is being a complete twat - feel free to tell him I said so!!

YANBU! He told you to go for it and told you his mum would look after your son AND your hubby basically guilt tripped you (for want of a better word) into using his mum, who then let you down exactly as you thought she would.

The jobs only a few months, he told you to go for it, so he should support you. He may not be able to help you find alternative care arrangements if busy at work full time, BUT there is no need for him to slag you off to his mum and basically undermine you to her

It was a joint decision at the end of the day, he could've said "actually maybe now is not a good time for you to work, why don't you wait until DS is in pre school or nursery" etc. But he didn't, he encouraged you to use his mum

That's my opinion for what its worth...

Your DH should be given the responsibility of finding alternative childcare IMO, and if he can't then he should take time off to look after the kids.

YA so NBU! My inlaws are always doing this to me, thankfully I have learnt not to ask or "need" them. They go abroad for the first 4 months of the year, and we are lucky if they see the dc another 6 time during the rest of the year. I am not working at the mo, but they once encouraged me to take a job (teaching) on the basis that they would have ds for 2 hrs on a fri- it quickly went by the wayside and I sometimes had to cancel the class or take ds with me, thus getting huge bollocking. We were already paying for 3 days full childcare for the rest of the week. Anyway I digress....

Your MIL is selfish, and your DH needs to grow a pair and tell her she has put you in a v difficult position and let you down. Let no one say oh you shouldn't expect the help, it sounds like you were forced! I expect your DH is used to his mum being like this and making excuses for her, he sounds a lot like my DH re his family- blinded to their faults.

HOWEVER wtf is he playing at whinging about the 2 perfectly good alternatives you have arranged?! Esp when he encouraged/insisted you take the job. MIL doesn't get a say re friend/playgroup, so tell her to keep her beak out. Better still kick DH up the backside and tell him to tell her. you don't need this hassle, I think you're doing amazingly sorting his out and taking on a job this far into your pregnancy. If you like it why should you give it up? It's not like your ds has been left to wander the streets.

Just realised this is very long, but it has really hit a nerve with me! I hope you sort this out without too much more stress

YANBU

IME men only like us to work when it doesn't affect them (i.e. they don't have to sort out the Childcare, they don't have to leave early, their DW is not too tired, their DC are acceptably happy)

He was probably supportive with the caveat that it didn't affect him. Just carry on, it will sort itself out.

MIL is already offering her services during labour.

Er not really sure that is a good idea given what just happened with me working?!

Oh come on he says she's hardly not going to turn up if you are in labour is she

YANBU, your MIL let you down and your DH pushed you into making an arrangement you were not fully 100% happy with.

As the others have said, stick to your guns, keeps your kid in the play school, it will take them a while to settle, that is normal.
Is your mate able to take your kid every week?

I would have one or the other and not chop and change (I don't know if you are) but chose one and stick with it.

BTW what's wrong with naps in a pushchair??

Well done for finding something part time that you love! Keep on at it.

I would want to bang MIL and DH's heads together - grrrr!

I would try and carry on I think - is DS going to go to preschool soon anyway? It would be good for you to have some time each week just with the new baby so if you can get DS settled into preschool now, that is going to have a real long term benefit never mind what you end up doing about work.

Oh yes and whats the job? I only ask to be nosy as it sounds great

saucepanman, I have also learnt over the years not to ask/need MIL's help, which is why I was when she offered. I inwardly cringe when DH tells her about appts/nights out as I know she will offer and then let us down.

Ladyblahbla, so very true I think

Thank you all for the YANBU's I feel better already!

YANBU. You must be feeling pretty shitty and torn about this atm, poor you. Not helped at all by DH being an inconsiderate prat and MIl being useless.

You have found a situation that seems to suit all, DS will come round about playschool and if he doesn't then he can go back your friend? He'll be off to nursery soon anyway and playschool is a great way to introduce him to the sort of things he'll find in nursery.

Keep it up, 10 hours a week is a great timetable for someone in your position.

YANBU!! I would be SCREEEEAAMING with fury at the pair of them. I think you need to sit down with DH and spell it out exactly to him. He is NOT supporting you like a husband should, especially if you are pg!

OMG how have you not exploded with rage? I would be so .
Suggest to dh if he's so concerned about ds well being then he should take some time off work to look after him.

I would be spitting blood by now - YANBU. Is there anyway you can do the job from home?

YANBU my mum/sister did something similar to me too..bluddy arses

They both seem idiotic as others have said just keep going with your own arrangements.

goodluck!

namehere I can see that you do feel the same way- hope it didn't come across that I was telling you to learn! Def say no to labour, apart from anything else why should she be allowed to help/turn up when she wants? Are you going to carry on with the job?