Should They Tell Niece Her Dad Is Not Her Dad?

[contemplating]

Sorry, I have had to go anon as people on here know me IRL and I don't want any chance of this getting out.

My niece is 17. My sister met her now ex husband when my niece was just under a year old. My niece has always called this man Dad and my sister had his name put on the birth certificate as my nieces father, although when she registered the birth she put 'father unknown'. My niece has no idea that her 'Dad' is not her Dad and my sister has no intention of ever telling her.

However, recently my sisters ex husband has said that he feels they should tell their daughter he is not their Dad. He is a decent man and although he and my sister also have a son, he treats both children in the same way and seems to feel no differently about my niece despite her not being his biological child.

I personally feel that it is unfair to never tell my niece that she has another Dad, but my sister really insists she is never going to tell her, despite the fact my niece has already said she thinks her Dad isn't her Dad. (the extended family all know and I suspect she may have overheard conversations maybe?)

I hope all this makes sense, but obviously it's not my decision to make at all. I just wondered what other's take on this situation would be?

Yes,she deserves to know. Does your ister know the name of the father, if so your niece has a chance of finding him if she wants to. Should be her choice.

tHEY SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER BEFORE in my opinion (sorry caps stuck), will be a shock for her now.

Minefield.

Stay out of it.

I think she needs to know tbh.

Also, her birth certificate-how did your sister do that?

Bloody hell. Why do people - in this day & age - keep these things a secret? Of course it's going to come out one day - and when she finds out, that what she suspects is true, the damage the secret keeping will do to her will be phenominal - compared to telling a small child the truth and them growing up with the fact.

Poor kid I hope that someone tells her in a very gentle way soon, before she learns the truth from someone else - and she will.

Difficult. I think 17 is a difficult age for this sort of thing and if the clock could be turned back, it would have been better to tell her around age 5-8 when children just accept this sort of thing without a problem. FIL is not BIL's bio father, but this has never ever been any sort of problem as BIL knew at a young age.

Anyway, if I was the 17yo in question, I'd really want to know. I don't like secrets being kept like this and in these days, it is easy enough to find out. How would your sister feel if 17yo took exh's DNA and paid for a test to see if he was her father. She just can't keep this secret IMO. How would your sister feel if 17yo asked Jeremy Kyle to find out (I am quite serious, I know people take the p about JK, but I am serious, he does DNA tests all the time).

Hmm. I have a similar situation with my BIL and SIL.
DS is now 14, and has no idea his Dad isn't his Dad.
Trouble is, anyone who knows the family, knows the history, and at some point, it'll come out, and the older the child, the more difficult they're going to take it.
My own personal feelings on it are that it's not fair not to tell her, as she has a right to meet her biological dad (if she chooses) but also, things like medical history although for most I imagine this is not really important.

However, if your sister is determined never to tell her, I'm not sure how you could approach it without causing a massive split in the family.

my cousin was brought up believing that the man that raised him was his father. he was told at 12 years of age that he wasnt and went completely off the rails. it has created a huge divide in the family because he is so angry for being lied to. (he is 23 now) their relationship is very strained and in fact he still has trouble being close with his mother because of it. also, we all knew long before he did (i am the same age) and he knows this now. i cant imagine how this makes him feel.

if it was my child they would know.

is there any circumstances about her dad that may be preventing sis wanting to tell her do you know her dad?

but personally its down to your sister to tell her i wouldn't go against her and do it off your own back

if she was under a yr old how did she get his name on birth certificate that obviously would have been done at birth and he wasn't about then

i would providing she wasn't conceived under terrible experience tell your sis how important it is for her health wise to know her biological dad and health history on his side of the family as if anything ever comes about you may need to know this and would be terrible for that time to be the time she finds out about her real dad

Yes, how did she do that? Didn't think it was possible to change a BC but could be wrong. Personally, if she has a 'father' who loves her, and has no intention of abandoning her then I cannot see what good it could do in telling her. Just because someone has a right to know, doesn't mean it's in any way beneficial to their well-being and happiness to tell them. She's at a very vulnerable age and I can only see pain and trouble ahead if she finds out now. If she must know then at least leave it a few more years until she has had some relationships and a family of her own and is more capable of understanding and reasoned judgement. With someone who has always known they are adopted it's a different thing - they may have a burning need to find out the truth, and find out why their mother didn't keep them. But this doesn't apply here. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Why why why do people insist on doing this? The truth is bound to come out at some point and then what? He is right they should tell her, would you like to find out your whole life is a lie?

also i would express how important it is that the news come from her than anyone else which could happen and then the daughter would feel more betrayed by her mother

but if the circumstances surrounding her birth were not good then i would say to keep it as it is she clearly has loving father and would need not know at this age the real reasons but if her father was a good person then she does deserve to know and he deserves the right to get to know his daughter unless she really doesn't know who it is {not saying she doesn't but just throwing out circumstances and outcomes }

People should not play games like this with their children's lives. You have no idea the effect it has on people.

I was raised by my gran - I called her mum and thought my mum was my sister. I was told the truth when I was 6 however I still had to call my gran = mum and my mum = sister.

I found out at 12 that the man listed on the birth certificate was not my father but was not told who it was. I found out at 19 who my father was and I was 23 when I contacted him (via someone else as he did not want to have direct contact). By which time he didn't want to know anything about a daughter.

As you can imagine this has difficult (to say the least) to deal with. How on earth can people live with themselves when they lie to this level of magnitude? Shame on everyone who does.

Plus - you say she registered as 'father unknown' however he was put on as father at a later date. This is not possible as far as I know.

In answer to your question: yes, she needs to be told. However be prepared for fall out and a lot of accusations afterwards. Poor girl.

it is possible to add a fathers name to a birth certificate at any age. my OH and i were separated when ds 1 was born and i had father unknown, but we go back together when ds1 was 3 and had his name put on it. there is a process but it can be done.

"Plus - you say she registered as 'father unknown' however he was put on as father at a later date. This is not possible as far as I know."

it is possible to do this. Very very wrong possibly illegal but still doable.

Tiggy - "I cannot see what good it could do in telling her"

I presume that you have a mum and dad who you have grown up knowing without questions are your mum and dad. People have a basic right to know the circumstances of their birth and the people actually involved in your creation. How can you assume that ignorance is bliss? She is bound to find out at some point. It is very difficult to know that half of your life has been lived as a lie.

Off topic slightly here, but why on earth would you choose to put 'father unknown' unless you genuinely didn't know? It may be one in the eye for your EX-P but it's a bit hard on your poor child! Cutting off your child's nose to spite his father's face I think!

Well bugger me I did not know that re adding father on.

Tried to change my cert when found out who my fatehr was and was told catergorically no changes could be made to an existing passport.

Not passport, birth cert.

If the father wont go with you to register the birth it is father unknown, not always down to the mum TiggyR.

I don't think it says father unknown anymore there is just a line where the name should be.

I don't think you can change a name unless through court but you can ADD one, therein lies the difference maybe?

Tiggy in my own situation is was to protect my son. putting OH's name on as father would have given him parental responsibility for my son and at the time he was heavily dependant on drugs, a complete mess in every aspect of his life and would not have been responsible at all. however, he was told these reasons at the time and i told him that when he proved himself a responsible parent then he could have parental responsibilty.

might seem harsh but i had to protect my child.

I have a cousin who doesn't know she's my relation and her half sister doesn't know she has a sister. Their father passed away several years ago and one of the girls never knew him at all, although she looked just like him.

If they weren´t married, how could she add his name without his permission?

If he was OK with this, why does he now want to tell the truth?

GOML,

I did know yes, but what I mean is, it is irresponsible to have allowed this situation to have gone on for so long when others close by know the truth. It could have slipped out at any time, and been devastating for her. However, now is a terrible time for her to find out. I would have preferred that she had always known, but under the circumstances I'm not sure there can be any benefit to her in telling her. It will just be about making other people feel unburdened. If I could guarantee that she never found out then I believe that would be the kindest way to leave things. It's only the risk of someone blabbing that makes me thing she'll know in the end, but I hope, having missed an opportunity to do it when she was small enough to accept it, that they'll have the decency to wait until she's a bit older and will cope better.
As I said before, having a right to know, and benefitting from knowing are not the same thing. If she is blissful in her ignorance why hurt her?

I should probably say that I would never, ever take it upon myself to disclose anything to my niece. I firmly believe that if she is to be told it should be her parents that do it.

I personally think it would just have been better if she has always sort of known, as I do feel younger children accept these things better, even though they might not fully understand them.

My main worry is that she will somehow find out from a third party. She is already having a few 'teenage' problems and doesn't have a great relationship with my sister.

My sister got pregnant deliberately as she had got pregnant after causal sex, sadly had a miscarrige and so then slept with someone at work so she could get pregnant again. The biological father has never wanted to know (so my sister says) nor any of his family, although the biological grandmother gave some information re family medical history as my niece needed an operation years ago. Sadly, the bio Dad lives in the same town and has actually walked past my niece and my sister in the past and nothing has been said.

I am just worried about my niece. It's a difficult age.