Should They Tell Niece Her Dad Is Not Her Dad?

[contemplating]

Sorry, I have had to go anon as people on here know me IRL and I don't want any chance of this getting out.

My niece is 17. My sister met her now ex husband when my niece was just under a year old. My niece has always called this man Dad and my sister had his name put on the birth certificate as my nieces father, although when she registered the birth she put 'father unknown'. My niece has no idea that her 'Dad' is not her Dad and my sister has no intention of ever telling her.

However, recently my sisters ex husband has said that he feels they should tell their daughter he is not their Dad. He is a decent man and although he and my sister also have a son, he treats both children in the same way and seems to feel no differently about my niece despite her not being his biological child.

I personally feel that it is unfair to never tell my niece that she has another Dad, but my sister really insists she is never going to tell her, despite the fact my niece has already said she thinks her Dad isn't her Dad. (the extended family all know and I suspect she may have overheard conversations maybe?)

I hope all this makes sense, but obviously it's not my decision to make at all. I just wondered what other's take on this situation would be?

TamartorousBeastie, Ok, didn't realise that about father needing to be present.

Yes tiggy - however the longer it goes on the more she will realise that everybody in her family has known the truth except her. So, she finds out now and it is horrible etc. However, if she is told at 19, she may go ffs they have known this for 19 years whyc the hell didn't they tell me years ago?

I think it really is best that they tell her now. There is nevr going to be a good time, however it is best to draw a line under the deception and tell her the truth about somehing as basic as her parentage as soon as possible.

They should tell her but after speaking to a professional about what this will do for her and the help she will need following this revelation.

I think it is one of the most damaging things you can do to your child, lie about their parentage or just not tell them.

Yes agree that the sooner you are told the better. To be honest as odd as it all was being told about my mum/gran at 6 was a walk in the park compared to lies re my father when I was a lot older. Plus, the extended family. My father lived 150 miles away, however my paternal grandparents and uncles all lived in the same small town. And yes I walked past them all (they all knew the truth). And I even worked alongside one of my uncles in a factory at the age of 18 and didn't know we were related - i was even going to buy a motorbike off him!

Finding all this shit out is excrutiating howvere I really do think it is necessary, and the younger you find out the better.

Hi, you are right of course that it is not your decision to make.

People's experience of this does vary widely of course and I don't know all of the circumstances in this case.

However, FWIW, I think the girl should be told. The chances are, she does already know/suspect so her imagination might be running riot as to the real circumstances of her birth. The reality on the other hand might just answer a few questions for her and they she will move on as before with no trauma suffered (it is not always like it is on K Kyle or East-bloody-enders!) It may well be extremely hard for the dad (mine hates the idea that I'm not actually "his")and the mum can expect a fair few questions (if she is close to her daughter)but it IME it can be a bit of a non-issue so I would tell her.

There are so many ways this information could just slip out: an overheard conversation; an argument when something is said in the heat of the moment; a medical problem which reveals that father and daughter's blood types, or genetic make-up do not match.

I think it would be sensible for the mother and father to explain the situation in a calm, loving, planned way - and not end up clearing up the aftermath if your niece finds out by accident. This is especially true if there are lots of other poeple around who know the truth and could 'forget' that your niece doesn't.

Sorry, x-posted with a few people! If you are close to your sister perhaps she might find it helpful to chat through her feelings about the issue with you?

Tell her NOW. My brother found out when he ws 19 that he had another Dad and it was devasting. He flet lied too and cheated. He is now 40 and his real Dad as yet to tell his family about him. It's all total shite, too little too late.

The earlier they know the better chance they have of getting a good life and not to feel fucked up about it.

FYI the Dad he grew up with, the bond was a strong as ever, he totally understood my brothers needs to meet him and get a sense of him.

The term 'Blissfull ignorance' makes me so mad. People need to know where they came from.

Sorry if this will come over as insensitive- it really is not meant to - but do people really always need to know "where they come from"?

Surelt, knowing where you come from is one thing but 'who you are' is not necessarily the same thing. Yes, we are a product of nature and nurture, but finding out that your origins were not what you thought would not change who you have become - that has already been set.

Perhaps you might (possibly) understand more about yourself (e.e. where your red hair and temper came from!) but it would not change your make-up suddenly.

This is a genuine question (which may not be well worded!).

I hate these family secrets, she should be told but could you really face the fall out if you did it?,
It really needs to come from her mum, and as everyone else says before she gets any older.

My uncle has a child to someone else and our whole family know, the only person who dosen't know is his wife and other daughter, thankfully they live abroad as I can hardly look them in the eye when they come home.

Elf - of course I personally believe that people do have a right to know what should be a fundamental piece of information - who is your mother and father.

I think unless you personally experience how loss making it feels to have little knowledge about your parentage you cannot really know how much it effects you.

I have never met my father now and I have only seen one (bad) photo. I look at my daughter and wonder where some certain features come from.

I think it is all very easy for those who have normal families to view this kind of situation as an theroetical exercise and discussions about what your 'rights' should be, however when you are in teh midst of it it certainly feels very different.

Also I think its important to know because God forbid anyone should be seriously ill or die and it all comes out then, because in most cases it does come out

In my uncles case his secret daughter knows all about him and where he lives at the minute she dosen't want to know him but shes only 12, what about when she does? His wife and other daughter are in for a big shock

Op, I was told at 19 that the man I knew as my dad wasn't. Actually, I was sitting next to my mam when she was having a drunken conversation with my aunt about it when I overheard it, so not directly told. It was my 19th birthday, and had just moved in with my boyfriend (now DH). I was absolutely crushed, felt I had been betrayed, and ten years later my mam has never told me anything else about it "because she feels too upset by it".

My life since then has been a rollercoaster of emotions, I've had severe depression, and do not have the greatest relationship with my mam. My dad however will always be my dad, as he raised me. He doesn't know I know, and I won't tell him until I know all the facts.

Do I think your neice should be told. Yes I do. She should be told by her mam and dad, and not by someone from the family.

It is a very sensitive subject, after all, its a lie that has spanned 17 years.

Getorf - trust me, I really do not have a normal family (soooo not the case!). I was not speaking hypothetically and I do have personal experience.

I have no idea who my real father is. My "dad" told me when I was fifteen (a week before my o levels - good timing ) that I was not his.

The only facts I ever established (from my nana after this revelation) was that I was not the product of a rape, there was a relationship and he did not have red hair!

There are a great many things about my past, my upbringing and my family that do affect me and have affected me very badly, but that is not one of them. Hence my asking. I cannot see how knowing who my father was would change anything. Sometimes I have an intellectual curiosity (are there half siblings somewhere that might look like me, cos no-one else does!)

It does not feel as though I have a missing piece. I can't see how knowing more would have anything but negative outcomes.

They should tell her, you can't keep these things a secret forever, there is always someone who will let it slip.

I was told at 11 that my dad wasn't my dad and I took it fine (I am very laid back though), TBH I wasn't at all shocked, perhaps, like your niece, I had my suspicions already. It made a lot of sense to me that we were not blood related IYKWIM?

I was chatting to a friend's mother a few years back though and she mentioned that she'd been cleaning for my 'dad's' mum but then said "only of course, he's not your real dad is he.." Imagine if I hadn't known?!

It will be far easier on your niece to hear it from her parents than from anyone else.

I also know someone this happened to. She found out at 18 when she heard some family members talking about it when they thought she wasn't there. It was devestating for her.

Oh Elf please accept my apologies - obv had no idea. I am sorry.

And 5inthebed your post really resonated with me as I have never been able to get anything out of my mum about my dad as she find it 'too upsetting' for that read doesn't like to answer tough questions. My mother is a drama queen. There was nothing horrible in my conception, it was a brief summer romance as far as I know. But that is all I know. It took years to get his name out of her. That is quite hard to take.

To be honest I have closed it all up now, i accept that whatever happend at my conception/birth is something of a closed book, I will never know my father AND MY RELATIONSHip with my mother is irrevocable damaged (not just by this by the way). And I have accepted that as much as I can. But it was very difficuly when I was younger and the sense that I was lied to was very hard to come to terms with.

It is very good to hear that some people were not affected that badly by it. All I can speak from is personal experience and it devastated me for a time.

My niece is 6 and doesn't know her 'dad' isn't her bio Dad. My Brother is. My Children know the truth and i do think her Mum should tell her as it will get out one day.

My DD1 is actually in the same class as her at school so there is a chance she will find out. Nothing i can do about it.

My brother was stopped from seeing her when she was about 2. Then he moved to another country with our parents. He is currently living with me as he has no-where else to go.

I know he should do something about it but he has no money and i don't know how to help him sort it out!

Getorf , it's fine. I just did not want you to think I was posting from a great height (as it were!).

I am sorry that you (and so many others) were devastated by this. Perhaps I'm just not sure why I never was. Certainly for a while I thought it might explain a bit about my mum's relationships with me (very bad) as it seemed to simply confirm that I was unwanted. There were various dark family mutterings about mum wanting to put me up for adoption that came out later, which I have never probed. However, I know now that there was a lot more to it than that and mum had been damaged herself by her own very screwed up past. (We could write the book on hideous family secrets!)

If anything, the only person it seems to affect periodically is my younger sister who is sometimes(only when she is drunk ) tearfully afraid that I will go off and find my "real" family because mine was so shit. Perhaps it just depends on the nature of our own personal demons? I have always been devastated at the relationship with my mum and the damage she caused me (and, with hindsight my dad too) but my biological father has had no bearing on my life so just does not come into for me.

I'm glad I know the truth in the sense of not being my dad's because it fills in pieces of my early life but in terms of the identity of the father that does not impact me. Does that make sense? I'm not trying in any way to lessen the impact it had on you.

Mind you, I have always had a personal rule to never sleep with anyone old enough to be my father. Just in case.

Managed to avoid doing so so far......

The Truth Will Out, my brother is actually my half- brother, I never knew this until I was 14, and I only found out as my Dad was clearing out a draw and I read a letter from years ago from his real Dad saying he was happy to have no involvement, needless to say it was much harder for my parents to then explain to me and worst still my brother who now was finding out about my dad not being his...

The arguments it caused is insane, and in fact done real lasting damage to my brother who still to this day some 20 years on has never really had the same relationship with parents.

Hi, I've name changed too as this is a bit close to home...

So sorry to hear of your predicament.

I've recently made an horrendous discovery (different circumstances, but probably equally shocking).

Now that I've calmed down, I can now see that the perpetrators of the deception originally did it for the right reasons. The thing that I'm having the hardest time forgiving is that I found out about it in the most awful fashion (and from the worst possible person)

It was going to come out sooner or later and I am absolutely beyond furious that even when the perpetrators saw it 'seeping out' they still did nothing and let me find out all on my own and in the worst possible circumstances.

The original deception I could have easily (well eventually) have forgiven, but its the massive and elaborate cover up I am having a lot more trouble with. I just can't stand the thought that people have been talking about me and laughing at my naivety behind my back (they probably weren't actually, but that's how I feel).

At least if your Niece is told in a controlled fashion, by the people who should have told her in the first place and with some sensitivity, there is some hope of a good outcome...

If I were you, I would have a conversation along the lines of "if you don't tell her, then I will". The immediate fallout will be unpleasant, but nothing could be quite so bad as how I feel now - betrayed by the people I was supposed to be able to trust

horrible discovery thats exactly what I mean't to say, that she needs to be told so she dosen't find out in horrible circumstances or from someone who dosen't give a shit

I can't believe how much of this goes on, and again your sister is making you part of the betrayal,
this is the bit I find so hard to stomach in my own family, when my uncle is home everyone says call down and visit but I always make up an excuse, I don't know how they all sit there and speak to his wife