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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about the way my daughter feels about her father?

46 replies

monkeyfacegrace · 25/01/2010 17:31

Long story with lots of background, but basically my 3yr old dd sees her bio father Sat-Mon every other week. She got dropped off this morning.
He is a nightmare of a father, but a 3 yr olds dream (think late nights, choc, maccy d's, cinema, non stop fun).
So no wonder that she loves him, but it really really hurt today, as she cried and cried when he dropped her off, she has been so tired we had to cancel swimming lessons again and she has rolled around exhausted all day. Everything has been a battle, she wouldnt do her teeth 'he doesnt do it, I dont have a toothbrush there' so cue me making her do them, then a tantrum and sobbing uncontrabley asking for him.
Sorry, a bit of a self indulgent waffle, but it hurts and I just need to cry and let off steam . I want to know Im not the only one struggling with keeping things in perspective x

OP posts:
Amandoh · 25/01/2010 17:35

If she's regularly upset and tired when he brings her home would it be possible for her to come home on Sunday evening rather than Monday morning?

It seems a shame that her swimming lessons are having to be cancelled due to her being exhausted.

PixieOnaLeaf · 25/01/2010 17:38

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MrsVidic · 25/01/2010 17:39

the teeth thing bothers me- it must be hard to be the 'serious' parent. Have you spoken to him about how his 'fun times' effect her week

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 25/01/2010 17:39

Yeah Im thinking about it, but he took me to court beginning Nov and I argued that this would happen, but judge said Sat 9am- Mon 8.30am is reasonable. Tho he brings her home at 7.30am so he can start work early! (this is a child who he admits he doesnt put to be till 8-9pm, when at home she sleeps 6pm-8am)
Ahhhh Im so fucked off.

OP posts:
ppeatfruit · 25/01/2010 17:41

would it be nice to give her a little travel bag to keep her toothbrush in when she stays there?
I always think that when a child is tired it's not worth having a battle, get her to bed early treat her in a loving but firm consistent way ; give her healthy food and she will come round to appreciating you when she's a bit older and less tired.
have you tried chatting to daddy? Difficult i know but worth a go. Good luck.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 25/01/2010 17:42

You can't make him parent differently (unless he is clearly neglecting her well being but that doesn't sound the issue here, though not doing her teeth is yucky!) I'm afraid all you can do is parent the way you do when you have her. It must be very hard for you, but imagine how much harder for your DD who is so young, to have two very different approaches from her parents - it's bound to be confusing for her and she's bound to find the transition between you hard....don't let her crying hurt you, it's the transition that's hard for her not being with you!

I'd say just keep on regardless with your routine, she will adapt but at her age it's going to be hard.

Agree with Amandoh that it sounds as if a Sunday evening return would be better, if your ex would be reasonable about it. Depends on him/your relationship I guess

Or, of course the other option is to cancel all activities for Monday. Accept that she will be tired and exhausted and give her a day to re-acclimatise to being with you and being home.

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 25/01/2010 17:43

Sorry crossed posts with everyone! He CANNOT be talked to, he takes everything as critism, and ALWAYS knows best. Last time I asked him to give her her a good tea, he dropped her off home and said proudly, 'she had beans on toast and sweets'. When I dropped her off Sat morning, I told him about us working on her being dry at night. She had 5 nights mastered, and I explained about limiting her fluid, lifting her etc. So when he dropped her home this morning I asked how it went. I got 'oh, she wet herself Sat night so we just put her back in nappies'. Fuckwit. So once again, he has the fun, nasty mummy and stepdaddy do the hard fucking work.
Can you tell Ive had enough

OP posts:
UtterMadness · 25/01/2010 17:45

I think yabu.

She is only three, not going to swimming lessons really isn't the end of the world. Move them to another day if you feel she needs to go, but this time with her daddy is important, and tbh if he had to take you to court for access it sounds as if you are bitter and resentful.

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 25/01/2010 17:45

I would cancel Mondays activities, but I work Tues, Weds and Fri's so I only have two days with her myself and it ruins one . And I have a little boy who suffers from having to stay in too.

OP posts:
Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 25/01/2010 17:47

Utter, he didnt have to take me to court, he wanted more control over me (yes he did write that on facebook after the hearing!)
I actually offered more contact in court that he asked for.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 25/01/2010 17:47

Pixi I would not describe that as abusive imo, situations like Baby p are abusive, just the father needs to know the dd routine and to stick to it while she is there. The op needs to sit down with the father and ust discuss the situation and how to rectify it. It is common for this to happen when mums and dad live apart and the dcs are with the mum, and because the dad does not see them as often, wants to spoil them.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 25/01/2010 17:49

But I think personally you have to play the cards you're dealt. It doesn't necessarily 'ruin' the day, it just means you're in. And that your 3 year old gets to rest and cope with the life that she's living through no fault of her own! (not saying it's your fault either of course but it's certainly not hers!)

Unless you change him, your only other option is to change arrangements to suit your dd, isn't it?

PixieOnaLeaf · 25/01/2010 17:50

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pigletmania · 25/01/2010 17:52

Oh sorry just read your other posts, gosh you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I cannot believe that the court said that she had to be at yours so early in the morning, if she has not been put to bed early the night before than the poor girl is tired out. Could you not work on a Monday and have Tuesday or any other day off mabey.

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 25/01/2010 17:52

Yeah I know By the Sea, thats what we have done. All I was saying is that it hurts and makes me really sad that she wants him all the time and just tells me to go away
I love her to bits but Im not getting into a competition over who can spoil her the most, unfortunatley 3 year olds can be bought so I will have to accept being second best for a while

OP posts:
coldtits · 25/01/2010 17:53

Pixie, how on EARTH can you describe this situation as abuse? that's one of the most ridiculous statements I have ever read.

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 25/01/2010 17:55

Well initally I thought that it would be ok, as she would just come home and we would carry on as normal, but I didnt realise how much the whole weekend would take out of her (he was prev having her 4pm Sat-4pm Sun). I cant change work days as she has to go to nursery, and the state she is in on Mondays does not equal a successful day at busy nursery! Id rather she was curled up watching peter pan with me like she was today x

OP posts:
pigletmania · 25/01/2010 17:56

Monkey this situation happens also when parents are together, I am a STAHM and dh works, i am the big bad disciplinarian and routine enforcer , when i say no its daddy daddy. Daddy is a bit of a softy and i have had to tell him that she need boundaries and that he should not give her sips of his coke or crisps or cake before meals when mum has said no to all that crap esp coke

Original poster
monkeyfacegrace · 25/01/2010 17:56

Coldtits, though I didnt get too worked up about it Im glad you think that, as I was really beginning to feel bad!

OP posts:
Janos · 25/01/2010 17:57

YANBU to be upset about all this Pixie.

I'm quite sure you are NOT bitter or resentful. Funny how that one always gets trotted out, isn't it. Ho hum.

My XP has a similar attitude of will not be told. He is also the 'fun' parent while I deal with day to day slog, discipline etc. It's very draining.

PixieOnaLeaf · 25/01/2010 17:57

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pigletmania · 25/01/2010 17:58

Oh mabey just at the moment postpone the swimming so that she has Mondays with you only at home doing what she likes to do and mabey catching up with some sleep. Mabey when she is a little older she will be able to handle things better she is only a toddler same age as my dd there abouts.

Janos · 25/01/2010 17:58

Ah, sorry Monkey! Thought Pixie was the OP.

Rest of post still stands

CirrhosisByTheSea · 25/01/2010 18:00

I do know what you mean. But I do think that now is the time that she needs you most - she might not ever say it but she is crying out for you to be the same mum, to keep home the same etc. It might not be what she WANTS but it's what she needs, even if she's making a huge fuss and outwardly rejecting you...

I think you have to keep your eye on the future here - play the long game. Yes it's hard in the short term and of course you feel about being the 'bad cop' through no choice of your own. But I know that consistency and understanding from you now will pay off in your long term relationship with your dd. I honestly believe that your DD will appreciate that in the future. She will know which of her parents genuinely has her best interests at heart, and which has an 'easy life' at heart!

Morloth · 25/01/2010 18:00

It sucks but I don't think there is anything you can do about it.

In the long term though most kids figure this out for themselves. There will come a day when she sees that Dad is a bit useless and it is Mum and Step-Dad she can rely on.