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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about the way my daughter feels about her father?

46 replies

monkeyfacegrace · 25/01/2010 17:31

Long story with lots of background, but basically my 3yr old dd sees her bio father Sat-Mon every other week. She got dropped off this morning.
He is a nightmare of a father, but a 3 yr olds dream (think late nights, choc, maccy d's, cinema, non stop fun).
So no wonder that she loves him, but it really really hurt today, as she cried and cried when he dropped her off, she has been so tired we had to cancel swimming lessons again and she has rolled around exhausted all day. Everything has been a battle, she wouldnt do her teeth 'he doesnt do it, I dont have a toothbrush there' so cue me making her do them, then a tantrum and sobbing uncontrabley asking for him.
Sorry, a bit of a self indulgent waffle, but it hurts and I just need to cry and let off steam . I want to know Im not the only one struggling with keeping things in perspective x

OP posts:

princessparty · 25/01/2010 18:02

Am happily married myself, but have heard from friends this happens so many times.Mum is the one with all the aggro of getting them to school on time, do their homework and getting them to bed early on a school night , getting up to them in the night when they are frightened/sick.Dad rolls up on the weekend takes them for a fun couple of days and they think he is the best thing since sliced bread.

Original poster

monkeyfacegrace · 25/01/2010 18:06

Thank you so much everyone, I feel much better now, not at all like the failing mother I felt all of 10 mins ago!
Nothing quite like not feeling alone.

OP posts:

PixieOnaLeaf · 25/01/2010 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MrsVidic · 25/01/2010 18:09

can you give her a reward chart for cleaning her teeth at her dad's? ask him to join in make it seem like he's doing you a favour? May help.

She will grow up and thank you for this patience and understanding

Original poster

monkeyfacegrace · 25/01/2010 18:10

Hey Pixie no worries, its hard to put years worth of background on an opening post so assumptions need to be made
Anyway, Ive got a lovely rare steak in front of me, with a glass of red, so the world is back to being good!

OP posts:

midori1999 · 25/01/2010 18:15

I suppose from his point of view, he doesn't get to see her all week, so wants weekends to be as fun as possible. Maybe he's afraid his daughter won't love him as much if he doesn't see her as much as you do?

I have been in a similar situation to you and the best way to deal with it is to just do whatever your daughter needs you to on a Monday and work out how to help her cope with it all. She isn't at school yet, so it's not like she's tired for that.

However, don't be upset about how your daughter acts, I would bet money on it that she doesn't favour her dad. Children o fthat age say all sorts of things when they are tired/having a dtrop and plenty of my friends DC have said they hate them or similar on occasion.

mumbobumbo · 25/01/2010 18:16

Pixie, I am not so sure you were that far away from the truth.

It is a manipulative strategy; spoiling the daughter so daddy is the favourite parent. Of COURSE it makes things difficult for the mum. But then that is the aim. It is nothing to do with the child's best interests and everything to do with finding a way to get at mummy.

OP, if you have granted more access than the courts did, can you find a way to reduce the access and get her home on a Sunday evening? From what you have said about your ex he ain't going to listen to a word you say.

I think the overnight bag plus toothbrush is a good idea. Also ensuring you talk to your DD about the importance of cleaning teeth, when she is not too tired to take it in. Maybe you could also talk a little about why it is YOU don't give her maccy D's for dinner every night. Even if you have to ham it up about how they make you spotty, fat and ugly!

Original poster

monkeyfacegrace · 25/01/2010 18:24

Mumbobumbo your second paragraph has hit the nail on the head.

Courts granted the two nights, I then added a 4 day 'holiday' a year, and every other Thurs for tea so she has more regular contact. So cant really drop the one night without being hauled before a judge (not that that bothers me in the slightest, I represented myself last time and really held my own )

TBH, Im not hugely hugely bothered about the maccy d thing, lets be honest, twice a month isnt really guna do much harm and she doesnt have it with us, so they can keep that as their little thing.

As far as teeth go, Im not into beating around the bush, my dd knows the dirt-busters will take her teeth if she doesnt clean them, so giving her a toothbrush to go with is no problem. I only found out she didnt have one today.

Oh, and Im exceedingly jealous that he took her to the cinema to see toy story cuz I wanted to take her

OP posts:

KimiLivesInStarbucks · 25/01/2010 18:40

Give him full custody, you will have her back within a month and he will sod off, as once he has to do the hard stuff not just the sugar and films bit he will get board.

Seems he is more intent in messing with your head then being a parent

Original poster

monkeyfacegrace · 25/01/2010 18:41

kimi

OP posts:

shockers · 25/01/2010 19:02

Have you spoken to her teacher to see if she has more difficulty coping on mondays than other days? Maybe if school backs you up, he will take notice.

Otherwise, I agree with poster who suggested trying swimming on another evening.

I used to feel this way with my ExH and son, the McDonalds thing in particular as he knows I'm not a great fan and would feed him nothing but all weekend.
Now he's older, DS can see that his Dad didn't really do anything but take the easy option... he still does because he throws money at every situation. The thing is, while DS doesn't mind the money, he has memories of doing nice stuff with me like walking in the Lakes and going camping. All he remembers about Dad is McDonalds and watching football.

Original poster

monkeyfacegrace · 25/01/2010 20:13

Shockers, she isnt at school, and swimming is monday morning!
Thanks for letting me know it does get easier tho, it all seems like a lifetime atm.

OP posts:

shockers · 25/01/2010 21:43

Sorry,she is only 3 isn't she! I was reading in a hurry while DS2 was getting his bag ready for swimming!

pigletmania · 26/01/2010 08:52

I agree, mabey at this stage the swimming is all too much at the moment, as she is only little and sounds like she has a very full week. Mabey she needs to rest on a Monday and have one day that she is not doing activities. Swimming does make you really tired and if she is tired from the weekend not a good combination imo.

porcamiseria · 26/01/2010 09:06

I do feel for you, it must be very frustrating. And not having her every weekend is tough too. But this unfortunately is what happens when parents split up, its a bloody nightmare.

I agree that the most important thing is that DD sees her Dad and has a good relationship with him, its is a bit sad that had to take you to court for more acess......but in parallel its tough for you to have the "work" days when he has the "fun" days.

so no easy answers! I think you will have to put up with it, and I agree that as time goes by things WILL change. But in parallel you have nor right to say that "your routine" is the right one either.

Galena · 26/01/2010 09:19

One Year 5 child (9yrs) I once taught suddenly asked me how many foreign holidays I'd had - I replied that it wasn't many and she said 'Oh I get loads! My parents are separated, so they both want to outdo the other and keep taking me away. It's great because I've got 2 bedrooms full of stuff. If I want something I just say that the other parent won't let me have it, and I get it straight away! Sometimes I wish they'd say no though.'

Bless 'em - they certainly learn to tell it like it is! However, because both parents were playing themselves off against the other, the child didn't actually have a parent figure.

She will learn that material goods don't win over love and boundaries.

diddl · 26/01/2010 11:17

But he shouldn´t be bringing her back so tired that Monday is wasted.
What about when she starts school?

OP, could he take her friday & bring back Sunday?

NicknameTaken · 26/01/2010 11:20

OP, no advice but lots of sympathy. You are definitely not alone! My DD's dad is blatantly trying to buy popularity - no teeth-brushing, staying up late, lots of choocate, lollipops, ice-cream. as much television as she wants. She's doing great with the potty-training (she's 2) but he's making no effort at all, just keeping her in nappies.

Mumbobumbo is right about it being manipulation. This is the flipside to how he was when we were still together - he tried to come between her and me so she would love him best. He actually admitted that this was his strategy. He forcibly prevented me from holding her when he was in certain moods, and once when she fell off the bed he told her "Poor you, your mummy doesn't care about you".

I feel like he's offering her poisoned honey - affection but not a very healthy kind.

ChippingIn · 26/01/2010 11:29

MFG - sorry to hear you are still having hassles with this twat your daughters father... will he never learn?

Keep notes - you made need them in the next custody drama.

I would try to talk to him again, explain how much this upsets her to be so far out of her routine, how she is a mess the next day and upset etc because she's so tired. Don't let on it's affecting you at all... If he can't sort his act out soon, then maybe you should consider not allowing him the access he's been granted and tell him to take you to court again.... allow him to visit her, or have her for a few hours, but not to stay over....

ChippingIn · 26/01/2010 11:32

Oh and just in case you haven't got the message already YAdefNBU and as others have said - it's not that she loves him more than you, it's just that she is knackered and wants the easy option & treats. If she had to choose - she'd choose you and your DP - you know she would! x

winnybella · 26/01/2010 12:26

My parents have split up when I was 8 and I stayed with my mum, seeing my dad on odd weekends and holidays.
There was many a time when I thought my mother a boring nag and my dad a great guy, as he took me to the movies, gave gifts and lots of cash- not much discipline.
Fast forward to my teenage years and there was no doubt in my mind who I appreciated more and who I thought put so much more work into being a parent.
Don't worry, she will figure it out for herself.
I do feel for you, am in a similar situation with my ds- but I just decided to go with it, pick my battles and let go of the rest. No need to stress constantly.Your DD needs as much boring routine as possible- she's still getting used to back and forth between you two.

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