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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to send DS to after school club again?

32 replies

mylifemykids · 25/01/2010 13:41

DH thinks IABU so thought I'd see what others think!

DS (nearly 5) is in reception class. He's a bright little boy, joins in with class discussions, goes to a session on his own twice a week with YR2 children which doesn't faze him BUT he hasn't got very many friends in his class. He isn't at all bothered by the large group of boys who go on play dates after school each week, he's never been on one. He rarely gets invited to parties (which again upsets me more than it does him). He can be quite lazy sometimes, he'd rather sit and read/draw/watch TV/play on (educational) websites than run around like a 'normal' 4 year old.

So I decided to try him in an afterschool club that I knew quite a few of his class were going to be attending too. When I picked him up after his first session last week he told everyone he loved it, but then when he was on his own with me he burst into tears and said he didn't want to go again. When I asked him why he said it was because he missed me and just wanted to go home when the bell rang for end of school so he could read his book.

I told him he had to at least try it for one more week. My reasoning was that it was something new, he was unsure about trying something new and therefore after another week he might be ok. DH however thinks I shouldn't force him to go again if he doesn't want to go.

AIBU sending him in the hope he'll end up loving it and make a few new friends but knowing that, in reality, he might spend the day at school worrying about it and probably getting upset again??

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 25/01/2010 13:45

oh don't send him

they are so tiddly in reception

he wants cuddles with his mum and you can be there so let him have them

soon he will be a big old growling, grunting teenager and you'll think back to these days!

they get tired in reception and there are years and years ahead to do clubs and make proper friends

(if you are worried about him playing with other children, just ask someone round to yours every now and then. Lots of children in reception don't make proper friends)

Bramshott · 25/01/2010 13:50

If I've read it right, and he only goes once a week, I would probably do as you have suggested, and take him one more time, but tell him that if he really doesn't like it, he won't have to go again after that.

Fimblehobbs · 25/01/2010 13:53

Blimey I could have written lots of that.

DS (5 - today! ) and is getting on ok at school, but can be tearful when I drop him off. He started an afterschool club one night a week with lots of his friends, and said he loved it when I collected him. But then at home said he didn't want to go again. He went to it for the 2nd time last week and cried when it was time to go to the hall for the club instead of going home.

I'm sticking with it at the minute - he does enjoy the activity. Its only for an hour a week and tbh I think he needs to stop being such a cry baby sometimes. I know that sounds harsh and I would never say it to him. But he is not good at being left at parties etc and I want to encourage him to be a bit independent. Plus I have paid for half a terms worth!

My DS has the same reason as yours - just wanted mummy. I think they can do without us for an hour now and again!

MollieO · 25/01/2010 13:54

I would try one more time. Is there a reason why you can't organise playdates for him? Ds is in year 1 and doesn't have a particular group of friends and doesn't do playdates. I work full time and most people seem to be busy at weekends with family stuff. I feel a bit guilty but I know there are several in his class who are the same.

Ime the parents who organise playdates tend to be the vocal minority .

swanriver · 25/01/2010 13:58

agree with fox
a good compromise might be to take him to park after school if you want him to run around a bit more and play with other kids.
mine never wanted to do much after school at that age - it's a whole exhausting day of having to socialise - not surprised he wants to go home

foxinsocks · 25/01/2010 14:00

he's little and tired. They always get like this in reception. Don't make him go if he doesn't want to . I don't get this forcing clubs on reception age children. Loads of them are just not ready for it.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 25/01/2010 14:01

Don't send the poor boy! Take him home after school. Don't try to force the social thing, he is just four years old, that will come.

I think it is easy, for a concerned parent, to get an impression that all other kids in the class are part of this big social circle and you don't want your child to miss out - but really and truly, he won't! When it matters to him, he will do the social thing. It may be years yet - my ds only started really caring about meeting up/going to school do's, this year and he is in junior school, year 3

Aww just let him come home after a long day at school

EleanoraBuntingCupcake · 25/01/2010 14:01

do you need him to go?

mylifemykids · 25/01/2010 14:09

No I don't NEED him to go. I just thought it would be good for him socially but I'm guessing I misjudged that

My worry about inviting children here after school was that their parents have never been here so would probably be reluctant to let their child come. I guess I could invite the parent too for the first 'visit'??

I'm not too good with socialising myself and I have to confess it's made me a miserable person lol. I really don't want either of my children to end up hating school the way I did because I only had a couple of friends.

I do think I'll send him this week but, if he does hate it, it'll be the last time

OP posts:
Skegness · 25/01/2010 14:10

I'd leave it if he's really clear he doesn't want to go and you don't need him to go because you are at work. He's only a baby still and the school day can feel very long at that age. I think they really do need to flop and have some quiet time sometimes. Are you worried about his friendship making skills? I think play dates can be better for encouraging friendships. I'd do that instead.

EleanoraBuntingCupcake · 25/01/2010 14:12

don't send him then. unless you need childcare it is a bit weird. they do lots of socialising at school

mylifemykids · 25/01/2010 14:13

Why is it 'weird'?! After school clubs aren't just for working parents

OP posts:
EleanoraBuntingCupcake · 25/01/2010 14:14

really? ours is

Skegness · 25/01/2010 14:14

Aww! I'm sure parents would be fine with their kids coming to yours. Do you feel up to approaching other parents? Otr you could write a note and ask ds to give it to his friend?

Skegness · 25/01/2010 14:16

It isn't weird at our school. Lots of kids go just because they want to.

Do think playdates are the way to go to encourage shyer children out of their shells though. And you'll get to know parents that way too.

southeastastra · 25/01/2010 14:17

my ds(8) is still a bit of a loner, he just loves doing his own thing.

i only started sending him to an afterschool club last year. at 5 he would have preferred to be home. all children are different.

mylifemykids · 25/01/2010 14:18

There are different after school clubs in DS's school. Music, sports, arts etc. DS is doing a sporting one. It's for one hour after school, not one where you pick your child up once you've finished work. Sorry if I didn't make that clear!

Writing a note is a good idea Skegness. I don't know why I didn't think of that before

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 25/01/2010 14:20

mylifemykids - I sympathise, but I think you are worrying too much. Possibly very eager for him not to have the "faults" you think you have ?

We all do that now and again, but it can be counterproductive to try and socially engineer too much.

I don't think after school club is weird, but in Reception they are very tired, and feel under a lot of pressure to be good at school. Let him have his down-time this term, and see how things go next term/year

CirrhosisByTheSea · 25/01/2010 14:21

I agree with Eleanora that there is plenty of social time at school!

Also agree that most parents probably would be fine with dropping their kids at yours, however I really think this socialising thing is totally over-thought nowadays. your child have 6 hours of very social time in school - enough, imo!

I think there is nothing wrong in a child NEVER having playdates in reception, I know plenty who did not and they are not little hermits now IMO it's all part of this modern thing where we have forgotten how to be led by the child, how to do things when they are ready, rather than imposing stuff on them that we feel they 'ought' to be doing.

mylifemykids · 25/01/2010 14:23

Possibly very eager for him not to have the "faults" you think you have?

Are you my DH?

OP posts:
EleanoraBuntingCupcake · 25/01/2010 14:25

it is a tough one. my dd loves the various activities i take her to but always moans about it before hand. i think she finds the idea of things quite difficult. i was the same so i just take her. normally she bounces out afterwards having had a great time.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 25/01/2010 14:28

mylifemykids

No, but I am very possibly your doppleganger (been there got the T shirt with DS1 ) ....

TBH, i would be inclined to try one more time, but just try and be clear on your motivations, and don't worry .

GooseyLoosey · 25/01/2010 14:31

My ds (now 6) is much the same as your son - articulate in class but not many friends. He went to after school club 3 days a week and loathed it. Eventually it made him very, very unhappy as it turned out there were some older boys there who were just horrible to him, but it took a long time to work out exactly what the problem was.

I think I would leave it for now and maybe try and get him to do some after school activities in a few months - maybe Beavers or football? Ds does football and loves it as much as he hated after school club.

CaptainNancy · 25/01/2010 14:33

Reading, drawing, and playing aren't being lazy! Maybe he just likes quieter activities as opposed to running around? Please don't force the issue.

2babyblues · 25/01/2010 14:55

I would leave it if he doesn't want to go. It is a long day when they are in reception if he has been used to being at home with you before.

Is there a park near the school you could take him to? Just saying that as there is one near ours and quite a lot of the children go there after school. It is a good way of them playing with friends from class after school without it seeming too forced (like playdates etc.)

My son is in year 1 and he hardly ever goes on playdates and we hardly have friends over. I have never really noticed people doing it as a regular thing.

He has a best friend and they go to a couple of after school clubs together. I usually arrange any play date type of things in the holidays. I find everyone including me are too tired for that at the end of the day when things like dinner and homework have to be done!!