Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after her chld?

50 replies

rubetube · 24/01/2010 17:08

I am gonna be having a baby on the 1st Aug, My friend is due in Feb. Although money will be tight my husband and I would like me to be a SAHM. My friend has hinted a few times that she wants me to look after her child -free- a day or 2 a week, first time she mentioned it it was so she can work, second time so she can go college.

I might be unreasonable but I don't see why I should look after her child so she can earn money whilst we will have to be really careful with our cash and I am looking online for ways to earn money.

However I know if I was to mention money to her she would be outraged as they are not in a great financial situation and have debt(but, and i hope this isn't bitchy as it has nothing to do with me, but they are not very careful with money either!)

What do you think?

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 24/01/2010 17:11

YANBU

Just say no, you want to just look after your own child but she can find childminders on the nternet.

Tee2072 · 24/01/2010 17:11

I think if you don't want to do it, don't do it. Its her child. Let her pay for child care.

SixtyFootDoll · 24/01/2010 17:12

You are under no obligation whatsoever.

Lulumama · 24/01/2010 17:15

YANBU

if she wants to work /go to college, chs eneeds to pay for childcare or work out help from willing participants, it is not like she is offering any reciprocal help.

your time with your baby is your time, you are not obliged to look after her baby FOC

it is a massive undertaking to commit to childcare for someone elses' child every single week

what would happen if you needed to go away for a week? or your child was ill? or you were ill?

there are too many complicating factors potentially, not least that you don't want to do it !!

PixieOnaLeaf · 24/01/2010 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
rubetube · 24/01/2010 17:16

(I know this makes me a wimp)

She is gonna lay a massive guilt trip on me about how they have no money and are in debt and we aren't and are lucky hubby can provide etc etc etc.

I don't mind doing it every now and then, but every week?!?!

OP posts:
MrsVidic · 24/01/2010 17:17

I think if you donn't want to do it you should let her know. Tell her you can't commit to regular days and you would find managing 2 babies too much. I know I would- espeically as your baby will be younger and hers will be toddling about.

I would offer (if you would do this anyway) that you could be her emergancy contact for nursary but that only.

She's pob entitled to free childcare if she's that skint or good tax credits anyway (total guess).

If she's put out then don't feel bad and don't cave in- you will really regreat it. IMO

AMumInScotland · 24/01/2010 17:18

YANBU - you'd be daft to agree to looking after a new baby when your is only a few months anyway. And you'd be daft to take money as you can get into trouble if you're not a registered childminder and it's not family.

If she's going to work she get help to pay for childcare anyway.

LIZS · 24/01/2010 17:21

Tell her you'd have to register as a childminder to do so legally on any regular basis, paid or not, which would take time and mean you need to charge to pay for extra insurance etc. Your baby has to be your priority and you'd need a few months at hoem so could n't commit after the summer anyway. She may get tax credits if she is prepared to pay for childcare.

YouAintSinMeRight · 24/01/2010 17:23

Just tell her that many many friendships are ruined by these sorts oif arrangements and you value her too much to let this get in the way. Besides your pfb will take up every minute of every day, i kid you not.

StealthPolarBear · 24/01/2010 17:32

no yanbu she has a cheek to expect you'll be ok with this!

activate · 24/01/2010 17:34

Tell her now that there is no way you will commit to looking after anyone else's child on a regular basis and you thought it best to be clear about this now rather than let her get her hopes up

bearcrumble · 24/01/2010 17:35

What LIZS said - if you are looking after someone else's child in your home you have to be a registered childminder.

It is really presumptuous to ask you to do this a couple of days a week. Childcare is a job and if you are working at a job you need to be paid for it. End of story. Some students get paid extra money to spend on childcare (nursing students for example) so perhaps suggest she looks into what benefits she could get towards childcare? Then she could afford to pay you. Just because they've been either daft or unlucky enough to get into debt doesn't mean you should work for free.

cat64 · 24/01/2010 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Southwind · 24/01/2010 17:45

Dont do it! Along with everything else other posters have said, it sounds like she expects you to do this for her, then when you do it, she will expect more days or for longer hours and if do not feel strong enough to say no now, you will definately not be able to say no then. No friend should put that kind of guilt trip on you.

Is this your first baby?

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 24/01/2010 17:50

Not your fault they are in debt.

Silly cow saying how lucky you are your husband keeps you.

kerstina · 24/01/2010 18:16

Let her carry on hinting but DO NOT offer to help. You will end up feeling very resentful looking after someones child is not the same as looking after your own.It is a big responsibility and i cant believe how cheeky your friend is being.If you offered in the first place that would be completely different.

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 24/01/2010 18:21

You could maybe say that you'd love to have her baby over for the day once a month so that the DCs can bond, then she'll realise she isn't going to have a weekly babysitter?

Original poster
rubetube · 24/01/2010 19:23

thank you so much ladies
southwind - yes, it is my first!

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 24/01/2010 19:34

there is no way you could contemplate having two babies all day until you have totally got to grips with yours which IME wasn't until he was at least 6 months. Even then if she wanted to offer you some money to childmind (and you were willing to take the risk as it's technically illegal) you should think hard.

As it is, just say no firmly. You will not be able to make that sort of commitment although you hope that you will both be able to help each other out with the odd night out after the babies are born.

I'm astounded at how cheeky that is. The only friend who I'd ever ask to have DS during the day at all let alone all day is a friend who I have sat for for years (pre DS) and whose DS I look after when she goes to appointments. Your friend is a cheeky cow.

bibbitybobbityhat · 24/01/2010 19:41

Does she have a very strong sense of entitlement this girl?

I would just laugh at her.

Looking after a child, let alone someone else's child, let alone someone else's baby, is one of the most demanding jobs imaginable.

And she thinks you might do it for free?

Say NO and if she gets arsey about it, dump her .

radstar · 24/01/2010 19:57

NO WAY should you do it, even being paid it is a BIG ask like bibbity said YOu should just laugh in her face!

She isn't much of a friend if she gets arsey or guilt trips you.

Those first few weeks with my baby this year were harder that my job anyday and it is quite a responsible one, I didn't realise until it happened to me how the hours in a day could just disappear when looking after a baby.

You couldn't give her child the attention it deserved while giving your own child all the attention they deserve from their mummy. It's none of her business whether you choose to stay at home or not and believe me she will understand it isn't the breeze everyone thinks it is!

pranma · 24/01/2010 19:57

I agree with kat it would be a nightmare for you and reduce the quality of the time you spend with your own baby.YANBU to say no.In any case you would need a CRB check[not free] and CM registration.Just say No.

expatinscotland · 24/01/2010 20:02

YANBU.

Nip this in the bud now.

What LIZS and pranma said.

Bring it up now and no 'sorry', just 'can't do it. not legal/insurance'.

She lays a guilt trip, just 'can't do it legally, can't afford extra insurance (if you are renting, you can say your tenancy agreement doesn't allow you to run a business from home, and haivng to register as CM is setting up a business).

parakeet · 24/01/2010 20:04

This is no-brainer. If that's the way you feel (and I think you're absolutely right to feel that way, you are giving up work to enjoy your new baby, not to become a childminder), I wouldn't even offer to have her child occasionally, as it may prove to be the thin end of the wedge.