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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to look after her chld?

50 replies

rubetube · 24/01/2010 17:08

I am gonna be having a baby on the 1st Aug, My friend is due in Feb. Although money will be tight my husband and I would like me to be a SAHM. My friend has hinted a few times that she wants me to look after her child -free- a day or 2 a week, first time she mentioned it it was so she can work, second time so she can go college.

I might be unreasonable but I don't see why I should look after her child so she can earn money whilst we will have to be really careful with our cash and I am looking online for ways to earn money.

However I know if I was to mention money to her she would be outraged as they are not in a great financial situation and have debt(but, and i hope this isn't bitchy as it has nothing to do with me, but they are not very careful with money either!)

What do you think?

OP posts:

WashwithCare · 24/01/2010 20:04

She is a cheeky mare - though to be fair, she hasn't had her baby yet, so probably has no idea of what's involved.

General birth group conventions are that it's ok to leave your baby with another mum for a couple of hours, while she pops out on the very odd occassion for life saving surgery/a funeral/a one off back to work chat etc

No mother would expect a young mum to look after a new born and a 6 mth old for a whole day... let alone 2 days a week...

Just say no

bibbitybobbityhat · 24/01/2010 20:08

I don't think you should make any excuses.

I think you should say no because you don't want to. Is she not used to people saying no to her? She needs to learn ...

amidaiwish · 24/01/2010 20:16

no excuses. just laugh and say "you've got to be joking".

if she pushes it she is no friend. move on. a baby is a great way to make new friends.

shivster1980 · 24/01/2010 20:23

YANBU What a cheeky cow

You are not responsible for her financial situation (I have a friend who guilt tripped me into helping her with her financial mess and because I am soft I helped her in various ways - caused me loads of stress in the end).

You are certainly not in a position to be contemplating childminding legally or illegally and certainly not for free!

Some people seem to think that life owes them a favour? I don't get it personally.

YA not being at all unreasonable!

heQet · 24/01/2010 20:55

agree with amidaiwish!

Laugh long and loud!

Southwind · 24/01/2010 21:16

Congratulations by the way and if you do find a way to earn some money online let me know

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/01/2010 21:20

cheeky cow

agree say you need to register as a cm

also suggest that she looks after your baby to be twice a week for free and see what she says lol

Threepwood · 25/01/2010 01:15

I'd say no, but I wouldn't bother with the having to register as a childminder stuff. IMO you should just tell her straight "I don't want to". You have no obligation to make excuses to her.

meerkatsandkookaburras · 25/01/2010 01:29

YANBU she is being unreasonable, tell her now before she gets it in her head that youre going to do it, or remembers in her eyes that you agreed!!

14hourstillbedtime · 25/01/2010 02:46

I think you are definitely not being unreasonable and I did look after a friend's child for an afternoon a week, for a whole year, for free, and for no reciprocal babysitting or whathaveyou!

Different situation: Friend had just had her second baby and was really not coping, my DS was an easy-to-care-for toddler and I was the one offering.

HOWEVER, no way would I have offered when DS was a baby as I was just too sleep-deprived, and to be honest, I feel my friend barely appreciated what was really quite a big deal... I ended the babysitting deal when I got pregnant with Number Two and found preg/two toddlers too much to cope with even though it was only one afternoon. Not that I expected friend to go into ecstasies, but some appreciation would have been nice

alarkaspree · 25/01/2010 04:11

She must just have no idea what she is asking. Babies are hard hard work.

I agree with those who said you should just say no because you don't want to. She can't argue with that. Don't make excuses about having to register as a childminder/pay extra for insurance etc because she might be cheeky enough to expect you to do it!

StealthPolarBear · 25/01/2010 07:08

yes, i agree, you just don't want to!
CM registration stuff doesn't come into it because that would imply you've thought it through that far

Chandon · 25/01/2010 07:26

yanbu.

No need for long explanations, just say, sorry I don´t really want to do it.

PavlovtheCat · 25/01/2010 07:32

Not read any posts yet, so responding just to the OP. Will go read through in a moment.

YANBU. This is your time with your baby. If you were a childminder, then great, look after her child, for a fee. If you were well off, you could even offer a discount. Or if you were going to swap childcare days, say one day each so you could work/go to college that would seem ok.

But that does not apply to you. If she wants to go to college, or go back to work, then she needs to sort out her own childcare arrangements. Her child, her responsibility.

It would be hard for you to look after two young children/babies, you wont enjoy it as you dont want to do it and you will resent her and her baby for taking time away from your baby.

You are a friend, not a charity. I am amazed at the cheek of some people.

StealthPolarBear · 25/01/2010 07:35

Pavlov, you have just summed up the responses

PavlovtheCat · 25/01/2010 07:43

well, its good to be consistent eh? i just realised all i did was repeat everything else after posting then reading

StealthPolarBear · 25/01/2010 07:44

no, I think it was a useful summary, and it's always nice to know you're in agreement with the majority on an AIBU!

nannynick · 25/01/2010 07:53

How many children do you and your friend already have? I am wondering if in both your cases, or at least your friends case this is their first child. Are they really aware of how much work a baby can be?

Babies are hard work as are toddlers. Caring for other people's children is a big responsibility and should not be entered into lightly. You are friends now, if you care for her child and you disagree about how her child should be cared for, then it will affect your friendship.

Committing to a day or two a week will restrict you in what you and DH do for a long time to come. What if you want to go on holiday, visit relatives, see other friends, anything you do will have to be worked around the day(s) you care for your friends child.
If your baby has had a bad night, you will want to sleep during the day as much as you can. You won't want to be answering the door at 0700 and having responsibility for a child who may be a lot more active than your own (there will be a 6 month or so age gap between your children).

Enjoy the 1st year of having your baby as best you can. Avoid any extra stress in your life... a baby is enough stress on their own.

YANBU - Tell her that you won't care for her baby. You are her friend, so you will support her in finding suitable childcare if that's what she needs but draw the line at actually providing that childcare yourself.

Mumcentreplus · 25/01/2010 08:06

Nope...

SweetGrapes · 25/01/2010 08:12

It's your first baby. You don't know what you're letting yourself into even wrt your own baby! No way you could just baby sit another of them through 3 hour marathon feeds etc.
And I'm guessing it's her first baby too.

I thought I would be able to waltz off to college and work too. And I could study at home with the baby sleeping peacefully in the corner.

'sorry I can't help but I feel for you so much' - broken record.

Sometimes I have tried to say it like this 'I feel for you so much but sorry I can't help' and the other person jumps in just before the 'but' and gushes 'oh, then you will do it, thank you so much'.

IWishIWasAFrog · 25/01/2010 08:28

No, don't do it. Take your time to get to know your own baby, it is the most special time, and your family (you and your DH) will make sacfifices in order to do it, so make it count! I knew my life would chnge after I'd had a baby (DS is almost 4 months old) but I never realised how much until he was born, and nothing could have prepared me for the rush of emotions either. It will be very special to have the time to just stare at your sleeping baby if you want to and not have someone else's toddler in the mix, and what you do with your time is really none of her business. This is the ONE time in your life when you should be VERY selfish!

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, hope all goes well! `

porcamiseria · 25/01/2010 08:40

NO WAY, no way. dont even go there. Why on eath should you provide free child care for her.....dont even feel guilt.

franch · 25/01/2010 08:49

YANBU. Do not do it.

pigletmania · 25/01/2010 08:59

YANBU what a cheek , gosh i cannot understand the mentality of some people. No dont look after the child if you dont want to, say no sorry I cant.

pigletmania · 25/01/2010 09:02

I had a similar thing with a friend but she was going to pay, but I could not cope with two children my own and hers so I just said no sorry that would not be able to cope and she was fine and lovely about it. Her reaction to you saying no will be the true measure of your friendship, a real friend would be fine and lovely about it.

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