to insist my well-intentioned DH keeps his promises

[cerviniasun]

DH is very well-intentioned and possibly over-optimistic about what he can actually achieve in the time available. He therefore often promises to do something to help, but then is unable to follow through.

Today's example - I miss going to church so had made a plan to (over time) get my reluctant DCs to at least stoicly accept going to sunday school (by bribing with cafe and playground visits afterward). DH said, no need to force them go go, I'll look after them sunday mornings so you can go on your own. I'm thinking - but you have chronic insomnia, I would never expect you to be awake at 9am on a sunday. But he insisted, he would do it because he knows going to church is important to me.

So here we are, 2nd week in a row and he moans as I get the kids up at 7am "I've only got 4 hours of sleep last night, would you mind missing this week so I can catch up on sleep"?

AIBU to wake him up anyway? And if so, how do I deal with his habit of making promises he can't keep?

If you work out an answer to your last question please let me know. My DH is always promising to do things for other people and taking on things he hasn't got time for, guess who ends up picking up the pieces when he is forced to let them down again because of work.

Drives me mad

Yes, fibilou, absolutely maddening. But then I feel mean for being upset because I know he means well. But still, ARRGH!

Sounds like he gives lots of lip service but no actual commitment to his promises.

I am a chronic insomniac. I am also a lone parent and have to get up regardless of how little sleep he had. I sympathise with your DH but he should just get up and try to have a nap later while the kids are watching a dvd or something.

Why do you get the children up at 7 on a Sunday?

How old are they?

It sounds like the insomnia is a problem, is he receiving any treatment for it?

Agree with what overmy said, as long as he can get back to sleep. Has he consulted a doctor about it?
OTOH, why not just take your dc to church with you? If there is a sunday school just plonk the into that. My dd is currently at church with her dad, she didn't want to go because it is in German, but he just puts his foot down.

I would let him know I was... peeved with him but I would just take the kids as per your original plan otherwise its you who misses out

How old are the children? Can you not leave them to wake up or wake them just before you leave?

why did you wake the children up?

Sorry, meant "I get up with the kids at 7". They were awake (and noisy) from 6, but know to stay in their room until I get up at 7 to make their breakfast. This is normal daily routine and generally not a problem (though they did get a reminder today about being quieter before 7).

And actually, how to deal with DHs insomnia is a separate issue. Its a lifelong problem he has had and I've always treated it like a disability and tried to be understanding and make allowances. Was thinking I should start a separate post on that as I am wondering if that's the right approach (for my own mental health)

Kids hate sunday school. I figured if we went consistently they would just get used to it, but DH decided to intervene when he got tired of hearing their screams of "I dont want to go!!" too many mornings. They are 6 and 4.

Ended up doing what Ladyintheradiator said - made him a cuppa and woke him with a cheerful - "bye, i'm off to church". Have decided that henceforth to hold him to promises that I've made plans around but be cheerful and friendly about it (instead of the usual "but you promised....! lecture)

Surely he can go back to bed if necessary when you get back? You must only be gone an hour?

Don't mean to dismiss his insomnia, but if he was telling you that he'd only had 4 hours sleep at 7, he'd have had 6 by the time you left at 9...that's more than a lot of parents get!!!

I always over-promise too.

On the second week in a row I would get him to make good on his offer and catch up on sleep later.

abbierhodes - thats's what I was thinking - I often manage on 6 hours (barely, but still). I know its not quality sleep when the DCs are making so much noise downstairs, but that's just the nature of family life.

I still keep hoping that if I make fewer allowances for his insomnia that he will eventually find a way to get the problem sorted.

skidoodle - why do you think you overpromise?

I am always so afraid of letting people down that I am very careful about what I commit to, so find it hard to understand DH's perspective on this.

I agree I think...sounds like you're pandering to him a bit, sorry!

When you say 'insomnis', is he lying in bed trying to sleep? Or is he staying up because he's not tired yet?

He does need to have his insomnia looked at as there might be something that can be done.

Until then it´s a little as if he´s using it as an excuse.

How bad is it?

If its insomnia then he should have no problem being awake with the kids (though should also get it seen to)

If its the fact he goes to sleep too late so needs to sleep later then he needs to adjust his body clock

As an adult, if you promise to do something, you should:

• think about it beforehand to check that you anticipate being able to actually do it
• make every effort to follow through

I think it is a bodyclock thing, has been that way most of his life. He'd probably prefer to sleep between 3am and 11, but as the real world prevents this he is sleep deprived during the week (simply cant get to sleep if going to bed earlier) and tries to catch up on the weekends.

Dont know if there is anything that can be done, but any suggestions I have made have been put aside while he promises (and fails) to get it under control himself.

he needs to stay up 24 hours then take a sleeping tab at bed time

Why do you have to get the kids up at 7 if they are not going with you?

Fab she's already said, she got up with the kids, they were already awake.

well then, YANBU. He just needs to sort his sleep pattern out and stop moaning, IMO.

He promised. It seems this has been going on for a while, so he must have known how he would feel. I mean, when he offered did he think he would just magically get extra sleep the night before when he never normally does? He knew how he would feel and he offered anwyway.

I hadn't read it all before I typed that, Trill.