to insist my well-intentioned DH keeps his promises

[cerviniasun]

DH is very well-intentioned and possibly over-optimistic about what he can actually achieve in the time available. He therefore often promises to do something to help, but then is unable to follow through.

Today's example - I miss going to church so had made a plan to (over time) get my reluctant DCs to at least stoicly accept going to sunday school (by bribing with cafe and playground visits afterward). DH said, no need to force them go go, I'll look after them sunday mornings so you can go on your own. I'm thinking - but you have chronic insomnia, I would never expect you to be awake at 9am on a sunday. But he insisted, he would do it because he knows going to church is important to me.

So here we are, 2nd week in a row and he moans as I get the kids up at 7am "I've only got 4 hours of sleep last night, would you mind missing this week so I can catch up on sleep"?

AIBU to wake him up anyway? And if so, how do I deal with his habit of making promises he can't keep?

Thought I'd recap in case you'd missed it

Sleep problems are shit and if they are genuine you need to find as way of working around them but he should not be promising things he can't deliver on.

I try the not sleeping for 24 hours thing and it makes no difference.

Unless I take heavy duty sleeping tablets I don't get to sleep before the early hours of the morning but have to be up by 6 during the week. I do it because I have to. At a weekend I try not to make early morning commitments as I am crap in the morning but in this situation I would honour it. Infact despite my sleep problems I get to church most Sunday mornings.

Because of my sleep problems we never plan to do things both days of a weekend as I often need time to simply sit in bed and stare at a wall at the weekend.

I tend to sleep a lot of hours the first few days of a school holiday as well. It is almost as if I stockpile sleeping hours to use at a future date.

It's a shame your dc don't like Sunday School. Can you pinpoint why? My dd has gone through phases of not liking it but we've stuck with it (been firm) and now she's older she loves it!

Could you tackle this issue by working with your dc to make church more attractive?

YANBU - One of my major bugbears is adults promising and then not delivering on the promise!

When my DS was 18 months my DB said that he had bought him an England Rugby tracksuit. Said tracksuit has never appeared! I don't like little children in tracksuits really so not bothered about not having it BUT the principle is the big issue. If he said he had it we should have received it (and if we had DS would have worn it because his Uncle had bought it).

Wastwinset - I do exactly the same thing, stockpiling sleep for later 'unsleepy' nights...BUT I don't ever make a commitment I can't keep, never make early morning weekend commitments, as I rarely get to sleep before 2/3am and have to be up at 7am on weekdays. I've tried milky drinks before bed, nytol, herbal remedies, and even prescribed sleeping pills. The only thing that sleeping pills did is make me either unable to wake up at 7am (which I HAVE to do) or I did wake up but it was like having the world's worst EVER hangover EVERY day. OP, YANBU to expect him to keep his promises, but YABabitU to stop making at least some allowances for his sleep problem.

I was once given tamazepam and had the most delightful refreshing sleep in my life. There are times when I would do almost anything to have sleep like that again. I understand how people become addicted to medication.

I am supposed to take a milder sleeping tablet but like you it just prevents me from waking up or I am in a complete daze until about 11. Not very desirable when you teach.

I am a grumpy cow every morning, hence I get up about half five as I start to feel better after a few hours of being awake.

It's not Insomnia if he can catch up on sleep 7-11. Has he seen a specialist about it? AFAIK the first treatment for sleep problems is to have a strict routine of bed and definitely of getting up times. Do you let him lie in both days at the weekend? If so then I think you are definitely pandering to him. Either he has a problem with sleep, in which case you both do everything possible to sort it, or else he is just a lazy sod who has everyone running round after him!

In answer to your question, a promise is a promise and so your DH should get up.

OP, I also have had insomnia all my life, and have frequently still been wide awake at 3/4 a.m. And then I've got up at 7 to go to work etc., so yes, you are pandering to him. It is not a disability and you do not have to make allowances for him. He needs to regularise his sleep pattern as best he can. Lie-ins are a bit counterproductive, I have found.

Could I suggest something that has worked for me? I recently got a new job, one that is pretty active in contrast to my previous desk-job. I am physically tired at the end of the working day, and am going to bed at 10/11 p.m. and falling asleep within half an hour. Perhaps he could physically tire himself in some way and see if that helps? Especially on a Saturday night so that you an get to church.

I think we are just too much in the habit of being "nice" to each other. He's nice by promissing to do things that I would like, and then I'm too nice to hold him to it when its difficult for him. Which is why we've been doing this for over 10 years. But it only works because I swallow my frustration so I think its got to change.

Good idea Whereyouleftit. I think he actually realises this. He's been so busy with work (including while he's awake in the middle of the night), but has been determined to fit in some exercise and managed an hour on the rowing machine today, so I hope this helps.

But he is not being nice to you is he because he does not deliver, talk is cheap. You, however, are being extraordinarly nice to him.