To wonder about abusers and bigotry, do they go together?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Putting this in AIBU because of not wanting to make things worse on threads from people right up against it with either DV or hate crime issues but
I do wonder how many domestic abusers are also bigots of some sort? Given that a lot of male domestic abusers basically don't think women are human beings - do they think the same way about members of different ethnic groups or people who are not heterosexual, and could this be a good warning sign of possible DV tendencies?

I think it's certainly a sign of a wanker. In that sense they definitely overlap.

Probably true.

Well if you treat a woman as less than equal to a man then you are a bigot.

So applying the same logic, YANBU

Although, thinking about it, I had an ex who was emotionally and sexally abusive, and obviously deeply sexist at his core. Yet he had a "right on" job and sould talk the talk on the old anti-oppressive practices like nobody's business. It just added to the head fuck, tbh. He had me persuaded that lots of crazy shit was all my fault- it was only with a bit of distance I saw him for what he was.

Sorry for typos

Mmm not sure really. I think it's possible that how abusers develop is a separate thing, and that the attitudes towards women are so deeply ingrained in society that you can be an abuser and be normal in oher areas. Language has a strong effect in that it's men and women, husband and wife, son and daughter, Mr and Mrs etc, the only time the female is placed before the man is mum and dad. Also the negativity around spinster compared to bachelor, for example. When a man is brought up to develop entitlement, having everything done for him and being placated, the gender issue is prominent I think.

i agree, my x was a mixed race narcissist, and he hated women and gays. (well he was a total misogynist). if any woman at his work was doing well at work he would mock her over something, like being single [lucky her] i used to think, or drinking with the boys [so what].

and he ranted about somebody who annoyed him and then said 'and he was a faggot to boot' at the end of his speech.

BitOfFun, not my npd x, but one before that, he worked for charities (various) and his compassion for faceless anonymous groups was infinite, but he treated individuals like shit.

ps, only mention that x was mixed race as you would have thought it might hve given him an insight into being treated differently or being overlooked or prejudged, but nope...

SolidGold that's a really interesting question.
Technically maybe not: some abusers tend to have very deep insecurities, and a fear of being left, or 'found out' as not good enough leads to attempts to control. some abusers are plain hateful, so different story. some abusers have been brought up by ignorant parents, and believe that a woman's role is 'this', which may go hand in hand with your typical british racism.
however insecurity based abuse can be applied to racist attitudes.
prob not explaining myself so well, i am sleepy

Also interesting to note that it's not rare for people who work in charities and/or 'right on' political organisations to be horribly sexist/bigoted in other ways (this isn't the first i've heard of it).

...and definitely not rare for "good Christians" to be the most bigoted people around. (think nuns etc)

Oh, religious people of any flavour can be hugely abusive and bigoted - they think their imaginary friend encourages them to control and bully other people.
(This is not, of course, true of all religious people).

Interesting post OP.

I don't think you can generalise, but I do think that both go hand in hand with a warped sense of entitlement, iyswim.

DV abusers think it's their 'entitlement' to behave that way. A lot of racists think it's also their 'entitlement' to behave that way. As someone mentioned, it's about seeing themselves 'up there' and anyone else who doesn't fit the bill 'down there'.

i'm not a believer but all the 'anti-gay' quotes are from the bible, attributed to a man. there are no anti-gay quotes attributable to jesus himself if you see what i mean. jesus didn't write the bible.

Maybe both bigotry and abuse are the result of a blinkered view, selfishness or emotional compartmentalisation. That is: both results, not one causing the other.

I join the chorus of those thanking you for the interesting post, SGB.

I suppose I was wondering partly if racism/homophobia etc ought to be added to the red-flag dating list along with all the other indicators of potential danger.

I'm a Christian and currently reading an interesting book on feminist theology which talks about those who believe God is basically like a human king who rules over people at whim, thus they believe that this hierarchy is good and right and believe that they should also "rule" over others, whether women or different races or the earth itself. So they have to do what God says and in turn others will have to do what they say. The they usually being men.

So this thread is quite interesting. It seems quite possible that a person who is bigoted in one way already believes they are "better" than someone else so it's not much of a stretch to think they may think that of others and you just wouldn't know if you were a member of whatever it is that they feel that way about.

Although this could only work as a red-flag if the woman herself wasn't racist/homophobic!

I can imagine a lot of overlap, since both (can) result from thinking that you are intrinsically better than someone else, deserve more than them, are entitled to better things, etc.

yanbu

There is definately some overlap isn';t there, and I would think bigotted attitudes and sexist or racist views would be pretty good red flags indicating a wanker, if nothing else.

i think it works as a red flag to indicate a ropey, ignorant individual

having been a victim of a hate crime
I disagree, the father and cares of the other boy are not abusive or into DV, thaye were all just wankers.
some people are just plain stupid

Really interesting subject, I have just been asked for advice by a friend of mine, She has been seeing a guy for two months, everything seemed peachy until she told him that she had previously been in a relationship with a black man. He went off the deep end at this, said she was disgusting, that she had broken his heart called her a c**t, the full nine yards. She said it was as if she went to bed and woke up with Nick Griffin, unsurprisingly she ended it.
Anyway she was asking me for advice as she was wavering about getting back with him I advised her not to as to me all the above raised red flags, and anyone who can react so violently (even verbally) to something like this makes me feel deeply uneasy about their propensity for violent physical behaviour. (Also he really was a twunt, and she deserves better!)