To wonder about abusers and bigotry, do they go together?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Putting this in AIBU because of not wanting to make things worse on threads from people right up against it with either DV or hate crime issues but
I do wonder how many domestic abusers are also bigots of some sort? Given that a lot of male domestic abusers basically don't think women are human beings - do they think the same way about members of different ethnic groups or people who are not heterosexual, and could this be a good warning sign of possible DV tendencies?

I'm sure I've seen bigotry on a red-flag list online somewhere. I think there is often a link.
Trouble is, the worst abusers tend to be very good at keeping their bad side hidden, so it's hard to tell.

Interesting thread SGB.

I think one thing that abusers tend to have in common is a)a massive sense of entitlement
and b)a belief in their own superiority.

So yes, I'd say this type has a natural bent to bigotry of whatever sort.

Also I can well believe many abusive types spout a lot of right onn-ery and do caring/sharing type jobs to cover their tracks. My XP gave every impression of being very pro women's rights but...well, actions speak louder than words.

Ha ha..obviously that should be two things that they have in common.

My nice boyfriends have tended not to have any kind of issues with regard to sex, race, colour etc.

The two abusive relationships I have had, one of them is outrageously sexist and the other both racist and sexist.

I would say ime that yes abuse and bigotry go hand in hand.

I would like to say yes, there is a link, but I am struggling to find the bigotry in my XP.

Other than being generally short tempered and hating my ex previous to him (DSs dad - and a lot of it stemmed from the fact that DSs dad was very racist towards XP when I got with him), he wasn't particularly bothered by any group...

Of course, there may be something that I am (possibly stupidly?) missing, but I can not think of anything in the 4 years we were together.

VK: did he have issues about women eg not liking to work for a female boss or thinking that housework is inherently women's work? Or making comments about women suggesting that the only thing that matters is that they are attractive?

SGB: That's the odd thing. He didn't appear to have any issues over women, yet both me and his ex before me went through the same abuse. He was happy to have female bosses, would do housework, would happily watch kids and feed them etc.

He was a serial shagger, but more to get his rocks off than because women are objects to be fucked iykwim.

He is rather indifferent about everything!

I could be being very naive/ignorant about him as he is very bad news, but I cannot pinpoint any particular bigotry.

FIL verbally berates MIL and calls her stupid, not often, but enough that I'd help put him under the patio if required.

He also has homophobic & xenophobic privately held views yet extrapolates nothing from experience. DH's bf is of Asian origin & he has another close friend who is Anglo-Chinese and FIL thinks they're great

Dh puts it down to a combination of his age, class, education and location - he certainly isn't the only man from that region like that, the BNP came a narrow 2nd in the surrounding two council elections.

He isn't a monster but quite often he is a twat.

Interesting questions. I think in my life I have avoided both abusers and bigots pretty well, but surmise that probably most abusers are probably bigots in one way or another, but probably most bigots are not also abusers.

My abusive ex is an interseting case.
He hated ALL French people and thought that ALL students were crap but at the same time he loved ALL animals and was very right on in terms of environmental issues.
Come to think of it he loved animals but hated ALL humans so YANBU.

VK: Maybe he was just a knob?
I don't know your story - was it just the serial shagging that made him bad news or was he violent too?

My ex was not a bigot. He was incompetant at his own life to the point where I had to shoulder the responsibility for it. but he has left a trail of pissed off people in his wake since we split, and they have all been different - male, female, young, old, rich and poor - he leaves everyone to pick up his pieces.

So I think abuse is more closely linked with a sense of personal entitlement rather than outright bigotry.

Some bigots are horrible to listen to but actually quite pleasant to go out with. I had a boyfriend who was a bigot, and we did split up in the end, but he was very nice to me. He loved me, and was lovely to and about everyone who fitted into his 'real person' model. I dated him for too years and he was never less than polite, considerate, not remotely controlling ... I was young, and once asked him if he minded me going to a party without him. His response was "Darling, I would love you to go to a party without me almost as much as I would love you to stay in my bed with me, but you must do what you want to do and not base that on my love of blowjobs! I shall go and see X instead. Have a nice time!" (Yes he really did speak like that)

My abusive ex didn't have a 'real person' model. He had an "I will do what I want to do and you can't stop me" attitude.

SGB -without wanting to hijack thread, you have helped me a lot... you have posted on my thread before and others that I have made comments on
And yes, definitely a knob!

Yes, he was very abusive to the point where I have a DV Officer and an Injunction that prevents any contact and he cannot come within a 25m radius of my home.

there are a lot of things that he is, and he should not be subjected to society, but he was like a sociopath himself to be anyone's friend. Freaky.

VK: have just reread your thread, sorry i didn't remember it previously. Hope all is going OK for you now anyway. ANd FWIW yes your XP was a deranged knob.

No worries SGB, I wouldn't have expected you to, you post on so many and when not dishing out the sex shockers, are often helping women like me! (Not trying to suck up here, mind )

Have to agree on the deranged knob though!

Didn't help that on return to court, the Judge told him that the texts that he sent saying he loved me were appropriate and understandable and that although he breached the order it was unlikely the police would do anything as he was not being threatening!

So far so good though since so fingers crossed and thanks!

VK I am totally shocked at the judge's comments

Some black men are not apparently bigoted in the ways that are being talked about here, but have terrible attitudes to women (not necessarily openly expressed because they are aware of the conflict with the "equality" patter that they need to justify why they themselves should be treated fairly). It is as if mistreating a white woman is a perk that they think they should have, like white men. OK maybe not some black men. Maybe just one.

jasper - so were my solicitor and I! It made me feel as if I was completely overreacting. Which I wasn't.

VK: ouch! There are still too many sexist fuckwit judges who come out with things like this, it's worrying. Is it possible to complain, anyone know?

I think they must be SGB,unless there was some kind ofanger impairment psych disorder going on that accounted for the reaction anyway.

friends dh has abused her psychologically, financially, physically for years. She sort of got out a few years back but he goes back every now and again and she cant domuch as his name is on tenency.Anyway tosser is up for trafficking in March which implies serious mysogeny doesn't it? (and also that he is a shite for brains obviously)

Thank goodness she's out of that fear now.

Would alsolike topoint out that I have worked forcharities and amnotracist/ mysogenistic (sp)/ homophobic. Didn't know any who were (well one racist prick) but then spent many hours sat alone in tiny offices / people's houses so didn't meet that many other workers.

My abusive ex belongs to an ethnic minority. In the dying stages of our relationship, I mentioned something about a previous BF, also from an ethnic minority and he told me that if he had known I made a habit out of black boyfriends, he never would have gone out with me. Apparently it lowered my social standing!

The weird thing about that guy is that he always talked in glowing terms about previous girlfriends and he generally got on well with women. He also talked with a lot of love and respect about his grandmother and other female relatives.

The thing about red flags is that just because a few are missing doesn't mean that you can relax.