Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want scream at my sister to shut up about the baby

35 replies

lostitoday · 22/01/2010 23:04

I am hurting so much more than I think anyone in my family realises.
I was diagnosed with pof (premature ovarian failure over a year ago after 18 months of ttc with no joy.
I have watched any chance of a 2nd dc dwindle away with my increasing age to arrive at the point were I know I have virtually no chance.
My older sister did give me some support during the hardest times although now I feel as though I am still suffering at times as bad as ever.
I am having real difficulty getting over no more dc's.
My sisters dd my niece has just had her first dc and my sister is always going on about how lovely he is and how she had him chuckling and smiling and I feel sick with depression and bitterness and feel like telling her to shut up.
I am sure she thinks I am over things and although I am sort of dealing with it better everytime she mentions the baby I feel sick at what I lost.
How do I deal with this I feel bad as well for feeling like this.

OP posts:
FishInMyHair · 22/01/2010 23:21

Can you be open with her, not about the anger at her but about the sadness you still feel quite strongly? If you let her know she may be more understanding about being loudly proud.

saggyhairyarse · 22/01/2010 23:23

I am sorry your family are being insensitive, have you talked to them about how you feel?

Have you considered all the options (egg donation, adoption, fostering)? I have a friend who has POF and she had IVF with donor egg and has a gorgeous baby now

RichardGereandtheGuineaPigs · 22/01/2010 23:24

Go and talk to someone, you are being unreasonable.

If you had not had a child I would have loads of sympathy for you, but you have one.

Cherish it and move on.

bearcrumble · 22/01/2010 23:31

I'm sorry about the way you're feeling but you are very lucky to have one child, can't you look on the positive side? There are so many people out there who can't have kids at all.

I'm sure your sister is enjoying being a granny for the first time - and I expect you'll know that joy too one day.

You haven't missed out in the way that people with no children have. Sorry.

mazzystartled · 22/01/2010 23:32

Talk to her, tell her you are still hurting.

And remember this is her grandchild, not her own baby, and that is something you may well have one day too.

Original poster
lostitoday · 22/01/2010 23:33

I have saggy but dh will not support me down the adoption ivf route he doesn,t have such a strong desire for this as I do he is happy with our one and only.
Oh Richard I wish it was that simple but it doesn,t feel it to me.
My ds is now 9 and I can,t get my head around no more babies. I cherish the one I have and I am gratefulto have him but I am still hurting badly at the loss of another.

OP posts:
Sazisi · 22/01/2010 23:36

First, I am so sorry about the sense of loss you feel.

but, this is your sister's grandchild, she must be allowed to enjoy him and share her joy with you. He is also your relative It's a wonderful and precious time for all of you, and you mustn't let any misplaced bitterness get in the way. You could be enjoying him with her

saggyhairyarse · 23/01/2010 00:12

I am sorry some people are being harsh. Already having a child, who I am sure you are grateful for, does not bar you from feeling sad/empty/whatever about not being able to have another child, a sibling for your son etc.

I hope you are seeing an endicrinologist and considering HRT as feeling very low about this may also be a side effect of your hormone levels.

Is it worth talking this through with your husband again? Obviously you can't change his mind but if you talked through your options and how you feel it might help.

Have you contacted a POF website forum?

www.pofsupport.org/index.htm

I really feel for you as my friend has POF and it is a difficult condition to face.

tiredfeet · 23/01/2010 00:13

can't you try and see this another way, that a new baby relative has entered your life, for you too enjoy? my baby nephew is easing the pain of struggling to conceive even a first child.

If that is too hard then maybe you need to just distance yourself for a bit, to protect yourself?

don't beat yourself up about feeling awful somtimes though, it is pefectly natural and part of the process you have to go through really

differentnameforthis · 23/01/2010 00:19

Oh so just because you already have a child, means you aren't allowed to mourn those you wanted & cannot have?

I think that is a bit harsh!

groundhogs · 23/01/2010 09:42

As rightfully raw and hurt as you are feeling, please don't let it sour things for your sister.

She has as much right to be a proud granny as you do to mourn the fact that it's unlikely you will have another DC.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but this issue is yours to deal with, not a reason for your sister to suppress her joy.

saggyhairyarse · 23/01/2010 09:46

I am a bit astounded by responses along those lines Different.

My first baby died and I then went on to have difficulty having my next child and it is very hard to deal with even though you have had a baby.

Also, POF has it's own related issues. Higher risk of certain medical conditions etc. Being told you have POF, have no chance of having a(nother) biological child, have higher risk of osteoporisis/heart disease etc. Have some compassion!

cakeywakey · 23/01/2010 09:48

I'm so sorry that you're still so sad about not being able to have any more children, but like other posters have said, you could be enjoying your sister's first grandchild with her.

It's definitely worth talking to your sister about how you feel so that she can help you through it (and perhaps dial it down a bit for a little while) but you need to be as calm as you can. Have you had any counselling? It may be helpful for you to work through your feelings, which sound so strong and overwhelming. Take care.

wannaBe · 23/01/2010 10:02

I'm sorry but yabu.

You have not lost a baby, yes you are unable to have another baby and yes that can be hard to come to terms with, but this is your issue, and the new baby in your family has every right to be loved and cherrished and doated on and celebrated. How would you feel if you were able to conceive and someone in your family took it upon themselves to ask you to not talk about your baby when it arrived because it would upset someone else?

Speaking as someone who was unable to conceive a second child I don't think it's unreasonable to say that you should be grateful for the child you already have and cherish him, rather than let the things you can't have take over your life. Sorry if that's harsh, but not being able to have any children is far worse than not being able to have any more children. (and I faced that prospect when I struggled to conceive my first child).

If this is destroying your life so much, then IMO you would benefit from some professional counselling to help you come to terms with just having one child.

mistletoekisses · 23/01/2010 10:17

OP - i would advise that you go to your GP and ask for counselling and try and work through this. I dont think YABU to feel this way - as others have said, this mourning is part of the process.

However YABVU to expect your sister to know that you feel this way. And also to expect your feelings to take priority over hers.

Just as your feelings are very valid and real. So are hers. This incredibly special time for her will not return. If you are finding it all too difficult, then get yourself some distance. But dont ruin this time for her.

Brioche · 23/01/2010 10:22

mistletoekisses post is spot on - you are not wrong to feel how you feel but to think your grief trumps your sisters joy is unresonable

Henrietta · 23/01/2010 10:47

jst a thought but would working with babies help you heal your loss? even on a voluntary basis? I know its not the same as having your own but may be another option and give you something to talk about with your sister.

Mishy1234 · 23/01/2010 11:02

YANBU to feel this way.

We experienced infertility issues when trying for our first DC (8 years and many IVF cycles). I was extremely thankful for DS of course, however I was surprised by my desire to have another child.

As it happened, I became pregnant with no assistance the second time, which was a complete surprise but we would have had further IVF treatment if I hadn't. I am sure if we hadn't been able to have any more children I would have had the same feelings as you.

The desire for a baby can be completely overwhelming and the feelings of loss and bitterness all consuming. I am extremely sorry you're feeling so awful.

I think it is wrong for people to assume that just because you have one child, you shouldn't have these feelings.

I would try talking to your sister about how you feel. However, she can't be expected to hide away her delight in her granddaughter. She can however, be aware of how you are feeling and be sympathetic in her approach.

diddl · 23/01/2010 12:21

If your sister was talking about her own baby I would understand-but she is talking about her grandchild so I don´t quite see how that has any bearing on you having only one child tbh.

SouthMum · 23/01/2010 13:34

I have kind of been in a similar situation - I was pg when a colleague had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I kept out of her way for a little while as I felt awkward. Then one day I felt the baby kick for the first time (was about 18 weeks and worried I hadn't felt him sooner and no scan for a while either) and it was wonderful, everyone on my bank of desks came over and were cooing etc and I was relieved so was a bit emotional. my colleague ran into the toilets and slagged me off to another colleague saying how insensitive I was being and I should shut up going on about it.

My point is try to see the other side. Its awful whats happening to you, but that does not mean other people should tip-toe around you and put their lives and happiness on hold. Not to mention its hard to remember to not talk about something very important and precious just incase it offends!

This is your issue to sort out, not your sisters and she does not deserve this just as you don't. Turn your frustrations into thoughts of how lucky you are compared to alot of others who don't even get to have one child and you might feel a bit better until you get over this, which you will.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 23/01/2010 13:41

I don't think yabu, you are hurting and you are sad your sister appears to have moved on and forgotten how much you are suffering.

I think you need to talk to your sister about how sad you are about not being able to have another baby and don't mention her grandchild at all. Give her a chance to get the hint and try and be more tactful.

I am still mourning my son's twin and can't bare to read anything where people are complaining about conceiving twins or anything really that mentions twins. I know that is my problem though and I just don't read things about twins.

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 23/01/2010 13:53

I don't think this thread is for AIBU really, it's a sensitive subject.

But I think YABU for what it's worth, which you won't want to hear. My DSIS was going through IVF when I got pregnant and she wouldn't have anything to do with me. We now both have children and love each others' kids to bits but that has always jammed a wedge between us.

She is not responsible for how you feel- you need to get help. Billions of other people will have children, so you can't get upset over every one. People have their own lives.

That said, they should understand that this is all pretty fresh for you and you're hurting, so pushing it in your face is probably not the right way to do things.

I'm pregnant again now and my best friend has cut me out of her life because she wanted to get pregnant before me. She'd been trying a year and I fell pregnant on the first month, lost it, and fell pregnant again straight away. But my God, this pregnancy has been worrying- so I have my own problems going on. She already has a DS so I think she should appreciate what she has, what she's had the chance to experience, and stop being bitter over a dream. Many people don't have any children at all and they find it in themselves to be happy for other people.

I'm sorry you're hurting, but I think the same applies to you. The problem is with you, not her, so you need to get help for it and learn not to be hateful towards people who have got children.

You need to find someone to rely on for support and unfortunately that's not your sister as she's not in a position to offer what you need.

jellybeans · 23/01/2010 14:48

YANBU I have never been in that exact position but have suffered 2 stillbirths and 2 m/cs and had to face pg friends and family right afterwards. It was horribly painful at times. I think maybe if you have a heart to heart with her.. but you will probably have to accept that unless people have been through these things, they often don't understand and will just think you are being difficult/not grateful for what you have/not getting over it. It may help to talk to others in your situation, that's what i find.

KimiLivesInStarbucks · 23/01/2010 14:58

I am blessed with two beautiful sons, my sister loves them to bits, sadly she can not have her own children, 11 miscarriages 3 babies dying before birth (and having to be born ).

She finds it very hard to be around babies, she told me this (my boys are 9 and 13) but friends have small people and I explained this to them, it is best to be honest and tell you sister.

gramercy · 23/01/2010 15:00

I understand how you feel. I felt as if I'd been punched in the stomach when I found out yet another person - even if I didn't know them - was pregnant.

But in this situation I think the British Stiff Upper Lip comes into its own. It would do no good at all to let your sister sense your bitterness; it would only cause at best awkwardness and at worst a distancing. Also I think if you act really pleased and gush over the baby, then you might genuinely come to feel those emotions and have some separation from your own sadness.