And if I am what should I do? (long)

[Colonelcupcake]

Hi

Background info: Dh and I have a marriage that is on the rocks constant arguements and I find evidence of him being interested/involved with a work colleague by emails and a conversation, he didn't deny it. This was just before christmas it had been going on since august

He gets pissed at me because he thinks I should keep the house in perfect order and basically do all child and house care even when he is in, he is in charge of his own company and gets home between 6 and 8 at night when he gets home its up to him.

As I don't respect the house I discovered recently that he has changed the code to the safe so I can not longer access it I challenged him on this and he said I changed it when you were not looking after the stuff in the house

I am can never be good enough if I do housework then I'm not supervising kiddies enough (we have two toddlers aged 2 & 3 if I turn around for a minute they are usually into something) I go to taekwondo one or two nights a week which he makes comments on and generally I don't interfere when he wants to go out, this week he has been out twice rushing in and out on tuesday and wednesday not seeing the bays and not back until 1-2 am

Todays situation:

DS1 in pre school taken DS2 swimming find message to ring him as soon as we are out of swimming thinking its important I ring him while we are getting changed, He wants to go to Ikea to buy a new computer desk tonight and will involve going out at about 5:30

Day carries on and boys are having a whiney afternoon, I really don't want to go to ikea which I don't like anyway with two toddlers who will be getting even more tired and irrate and who will be less than impressed by going shopping 40 mins away

I send him a message saying: Better idea; MIL has boys tomorrow and we spend the day together including ikea, I really dont want to take boys to ikea though.

DH Response: I want to go tonight to build my new desk not waste day tomorrow (this upset me) MIL could look after them whilst we go but I want to spend time with them

This upset me I respond: I suggest you reread the message I sent to you when I suggested mil had them and the one you recently sent and work out what you have said to upset me. I don't want to go with boys as I find it hard work I would hae liked to spend time with you but never mind if you would prefer to get it tonight (I accept this was a bit antagonistic)

DH So i get to go on my own and miss the boys, wonderful. A whole days notice and still u gotta fuck up a good spontaneous suggestion and ruin it

Me: (Pissed off and upset) I am not stopping you taking the boys I love how its all my fault when you wont compromise I suggested we had a nice day together as a couple child free but that would be a waste of a day wonderful.

DH: Two seperate things gotta be planned and arranged and rearranged and I dont get to see the boys etc instead of popping up there happily getting something coming back quick spontaneous as a family and I got something to do in the evening. Fed up with it

Me: And still no mention of the issue that you think spending the day together is a waste of time

DH: After ruining the spontinaity of the thing I suggested to be together, yes it would be a waste of time.

Me: Again all my fault! So are you taking the boys tinight or not then it is up to you if you don't get to see them I will bring the car seats in if you are

DH: Oh yes 2 boys and heay furniture, brilliant. Just fuck off i'm wasting my time

Me: It was only an option that you may have interested in it could also be one boy if you preffered

Sorry it is very long but I figured I should be detailed to gie a full picture.

I am totally in the wrong should I apologise, we hae not spoken tonight except for him to ask me where I was going when I went out to get the wood in he has made his own dinner with no offer to get me anything, I normally cook for both of us.

Apologies for typos

You're the one wasting your time. It doesn't sound like he cares about you at all or gives a shit what you think. If you can put up with that for the rest of your life - fine. But if you can't, get out.

If I get out I have nothing he threatened earlier in the year he would take the kids away I am finacilly dependant on him the only job I had pre kids was in his company I am 23

so let me get this straight, he is "involved with " another woman? WHY THE FUCK does he still live in the house with you, let alone be organising trips to ikea.

Get a lawyer, change the locks and fuck him the hell off

does your ikea not have a creche?

It sounds like you both need to take a deep breath, step back, and relax.

He thought it would be a fun and spontaneous family thing to do, to go to Ikea tonight with you and the boys.

You thought that sounded like an evening out in Hell, because you spend all of your time with the DC and would like some time alone with your DH.

You both think you're thinking about the other, and you're both well-intended, just knackered with two toddlers.

A bit more communication face to face might help, rather than texts, where the subtleties can be lost.

Crikey! he sounds pretty horrid!

and those sound like the words of a man who has no idea how NOT fun ikea at teatime with two tired and grumpy toddlers would be. had you gone and the boys been inevitably grumpy he would probably have blamed you for that too!

YANBU but i think he is. dont apologise.

and what precisely makes him think he would get the children? of course he wouldnt get the children, you are their mother, you are the one who has been caring for them 24/7 he is just bullying you. He is a pig - i suggest you get some legal advice and fast. you are only 23, you can get anotehr job, you can retrain if you want - the world in your oyster, you don't need this peice of shit in your life. Do you think it will get better over time? Do you think the other woman was a blip? If you value yourself at all, get rid of him

old lady - he is, or was, fucking someone else, hes not worth her bothering abuot

Get out of it. Or better yet, kick him out. Save all emails/texts etc as evidence of infidelity/unreasonable demands.
You are the DC primary carer he won't get custody of the DC and he has a duty to provide maintenence to the children. His business has been in existence quite a while (sorry, don't know your age) so is probably doing quite well. You seem to have your eyes open regarding the state of your relationship and it's the practicalities are holding you back - see a solicitor and find out where you stand.

He has been in buisness for 6 years it is fairly succesful with regards to the kids he says he will defimate my character with all sorts of friends and amily who will back him up.

As to the other women we works for her I heard a clip that he had recorded of them snuggling in the car, I saw a picture of her taking a picture of herself in underwear. He says nothing happened with lots of tearsI don't believe him but I am scared of losing kids and being able to give them nothing.

calculate your entitlement to benefits

and child maintenance

and kick him out.

Don't change the locks, legally I don't think you can.

He sounds like an arse. Kick him out. You won't lose your kids.

Oh, for pity's sake. Let's take this bit by bit (I'm not being patronising, just taking it apart to show you how it looks to an outsider):

The kids wouldn't have enjoyed the trip to Ikea, so what sort of "fun" family trip/enjoying time with the boys would that have been?! Not in kids' interest, not in yours, not in his. Damning you for your better judgement, he is revealing poor judgement and a very unpretty attitude to being thwarted.

His seeing someone else, let alone being so unapologetic about it, means your situation could be precarious. Do you get the feeling he could decide at any moment "It's over", or does he prefer the current situation (cake and crumpet on the side)?

It sounds as though you should act quickly to work out how to protect your interests, should he spring "It's over" on you. You must do this , no matter what. Even if you can't face being the one to leave, you have to face the possibility that it may not be your choice. You need to safeguard yourself, now.

Find out what you are entitled to, benefits-wise, and also see the Citizens' Advice Bureau or a solicitor. Cash in the taekwondo classes if you have to.

Once you have done that, you will feel relieved, more in control and possibly even excited about how doable it is. After all, unequal marriages break up every day, and there are safeguards in law to protect people from having to choose between food/shelter and freedom from a demeaning or dangerous situation.

In the course of your consultations, I believe you will learn how unlikely it is that your children will be taken from you, how unlikely you are to be awarded nothing, especially given his unreasonable behaviour:

• You can cite irreconcilable differences.
• You can cite infidelity (use the e-mail you mentioned)
• You can cite unreasonable behaviour.

What can he cite?

• Imperfect housekeeping...
• Imperfect housekeeping, when perfect housekeeping means insufficient supervision of children, and possibly endangering them.
• he's bored of you (? pfft - an arrogant reason, that - would be fun to see him try)

If he shows such poor judgement and has such poor control of his temper, his true colours are likely to show in any divorce dispute, so don't be afraid to let him fight it out in front of others. With luck, he'll shoot himself in the foot, arse and wallet!

Chin up. You've taken a good step by asking others to say how they see him. But you've got to take the next step and inform yourself of your rights. If you don't do that, you may be in trouble.

don't be utterly ridiculous.

you will not lose the kids.

your first port of call would be to see a solicitor. find out your financial situation -the solicitor should tell you what kind of documents you need to get your hands on regarding the business - but he probably has information at company's house that you can get hold of if needs be.

you need to get into the safe, i would try any trick to get into that safe. something like - you need the passports to show the child benefit office as they send a query ( or some shyte) then as he opens the safe - say " omg i have left the straighteners on - on the quilt - quick go turn them off.2 then put all docs under jumper and then hide them. - close the safe.

keep hold of bank statements.
keep all your important documents together, birth certificates, copies of household bills etc.

know what comes in and what goes out.

go to a solicitor as a matter of urgency. find out where you stand legally.

if you have money - maybe consider a private detective to get you some solid evidence.

if you dont want to do this - or even if you do - in addition to this - squirrel money away. find a corner of the carpet and start putting money there.

Thank you to everyone for your replys, I will go and see cab on monday as the benefits and maintenance would be enough to get by with

OP, you are 23, how old is your husband? Is there a big age difference? The reason I ask is, at 23 I was unsure of myself and rarely challenged what anybody who I perceived as "older" told me - I thought that they knew better than me. Then I turned 30 and realised that actually, I knew as much as they did all along.

As others have said, his threat to take the children away from you is just that - a threat, to keep you under his thumb. Please consult a lawyer and start collecting evidence of his infidelity, his finances etc. Best to be prepared for the worst.

I have been saving for a while I have £2k saved so far

He is 24 we got married at 18 straight out of college

Go and get some advice on your own, perhaps even arrange to see Relate (I can't imagine from what you have said that your H would go but that doesn't stop you) and get clarity.
The threats are empty - he is trying to manipulate/control you. You will not lose your children and he will have to support you (he make even know this but is coming out fighting in the hope you won't go through with it).

Be good to yourself, get to know your rights better and you'll feel much more confident in taking the steps you need to a better life.

Just to reiterate, he will NOT get the children. Defimation of character is illegal in the first instance and tbh unless you are an axe murderer or heroin addict what can he say - even if you have slept with a rugby team, not suggesting for minute you have - nothing to do with it. Take no notice of the fuckwitted bully and get him out of your life. Your children deserve better

Sorry, I didn't write that quickly enough!

"...he says he will defimate my character with all sorts of friends and amily who will back him up."

He says. He is threatening, but do look at this statement again:

• he would say that, wouldn't he? (he has an incentive to lie; if you are scared, he will get away with what he is up to and you won't make demands)

• you have your friends and family, too. Well done for keeping up taekwondo as much as two evenings a week. That external network is one of your lines to the outside world

• You may have his friends and family on your side, too, not on his side as he claims. After all, if he acts like this with you, I find it difficult to imagine he could turn this nastiness off completely, in front of others.

By the way, what sort of relationship do you have with your MIL; you mentioned seeing her tomorrow. Would she take sides (take your side, even), or remain neutral? Even if she were to remain neutral, that would speak volumes; a man whose own mother will not speak out for him? What will that look like to those assessing your case?

I do think he sounds like an arse as others have said but you have 2 young kids together and I think you both have to work at "working it out", for all your sakes. How old is your DH? Before you both start threatening each other with lawyers etc., could you find a way to have some couple counselling? He has betrayed you and your trust and has not apologised or demonstrated a change in behaviour but I reckon if you two could find a way (and I think you need an intermediary to help here) to communicate, then you might have a chance to keep your family together, which has got to be for the best for all of you especially your 2 boys. Good luck!

lark are you JOKING? This man has blatantly screwed another woman and rubbed the OPs face in it. He treats her like the hired help, behaves like a bullying control freak - what is she supposed to do - bow down to his demands and be the good little wife? Now im no rampant feminist, i actually will take the quiet life route within a relationship nine times out of ten, i hate men bashing on here - but work it out for the sake of the chilren?

Fuck that - for the sake of the children GET OUT!