And if I am what should I do? (long)

[Colonelcupcake]

Hi

Background info: Dh and I have a marriage that is on the rocks constant arguements and I find evidence of him being interested/involved with a work colleague by emails and a conversation, he didn't deny it. This was just before christmas it had been going on since august

He gets pissed at me because he thinks I should keep the house in perfect order and basically do all child and house care even when he is in, he is in charge of his own company and gets home between 6 and 8 at night when he gets home its up to him.

As I don't respect the house I discovered recently that he has changed the code to the safe so I can not longer access it I challenged him on this and he said I changed it when you were not looking after the stuff in the house

I am can never be good enough if I do housework then I'm not supervising kiddies enough (we have two toddlers aged 2 & 3 if I turn around for a minute they are usually into something) I go to taekwondo one or two nights a week which he makes comments on and generally I don't interfere when he wants to go out, this week he has been out twice rushing in and out on tuesday and wednesday not seeing the bays and not back until 1-2 am

Todays situation:

DS1 in pre school taken DS2 swimming find message to ring him as soon as we are out of swimming thinking its important I ring him while we are getting changed, He wants to go to Ikea to buy a new computer desk tonight and will involve going out at about 5:30

Day carries on and boys are having a whiney afternoon, I really don't want to go to ikea which I don't like anyway with two toddlers who will be getting even more tired and irrate and who will be less than impressed by going shopping 40 mins away

I send him a message saying: Better idea; MIL has boys tomorrow and we spend the day together including ikea, I really dont want to take boys to ikea though.

DH Response: I want to go tonight to build my new desk not waste day tomorrow (this upset me) MIL could look after them whilst we go but I want to spend time with them

This upset me I respond: I suggest you reread the message I sent to you when I suggested mil had them and the one you recently sent and work out what you have said to upset me. I don't want to go with boys as I find it hard work I would hae liked to spend time with you but never mind if you would prefer to get it tonight (I accept this was a bit antagonistic)

DH So i get to go on my own and miss the boys, wonderful. A whole days notice and still u gotta fuck up a good spontaneous suggestion and ruin it

Me: (Pissed off and upset) I am not stopping you taking the boys I love how its all my fault when you wont compromise I suggested we had a nice day together as a couple child free but that would be a waste of a day wonderful.

DH: Two seperate things gotta be planned and arranged and rearranged and I dont get to see the boys etc instead of popping up there happily getting something coming back quick spontaneous as a family and I got something to do in the evening. Fed up with it

Me: And still no mention of the issue that you think spending the day together is a waste of time

DH: After ruining the spontinaity of the thing I suggested to be together, yes it would be a waste of time.

Me: Again all my fault! So are you taking the boys tinight or not then it is up to you if you don't get to see them I will bring the car seats in if you are

DH: Oh yes 2 boys and heay furniture, brilliant. Just fuck off i'm wasting my time

Me: It was only an option that you may have interested in it could also be one boy if you preffered

Sorry it is very long but I figured I should be detailed to gie a full picture.

I am totally in the wrong should I apologise, we hae not spoken tonight except for him to ask me where I was going when I went out to get the wood in he has made his own dinner with no offer to get me anything, I normally cook for both of us.

My mil is wonderful I beliee she would stay neutral though as she is fairly downtrodden from fil.

I tried to get him to do counselling he adamntly refused and continues to do so I don't know how to get him to see his behavious cannot continue

sweetheart, he isn't going to change, has he stopped seeing this other woman?

You have hit home with that last comment, your MIL is downtrodden from FIL, well - that is where your DH has learnt his behaviour towards women from - do you really want your sons to grow up with the same values?

Definately not, LucyEllensmadmummy I only have his word that he has and although I have checked emaail and phone once or twice he has been scrupulous aabout deleting anything I just can't trust him anymore and with his boorish attitude I don't know if there is any point

if he is deleting stuff, he has something to hid look, i dont want to tell you to leave him, only you can make your mind up about that but i strongly advise you get yourself up to speed with your legal position with regards to the house, finances etc. The boys, thats cut and dry - they are staying with you!

Sorry you are having to go through this.

Lucy, believe me I don't think OP should behave like the good little wife and just take what she gets, definitely not . But I do think that if her and her H can salvage their relationship they should try to do so, for the sake of themselves and their kids.

But OP, if your H has refused counselling and is still not communicating properly with you, then do seek advice. He cannot take the kids from you, regardless of his threats, just make sure you build up a good support network to help you through what is likely to be a real shitty time. Good luck.

Anyone who spoke to me the way your DH speaks to you would be out. He has no respect. YANBU, the way I read your OP, you were being polite, he was being an arse. Of course a trip to Ikea with 2 toddlers is not going to be fun!!!

Seeing you were together young, it sounds to me as if the relationship has run its course. I also don't agree with staying in a bad relationship for the sake of children. I lived in a household for a while where there was a lot of arguing and I hated it and have never forgotten certain things there.

And he WILL NOT get your kids!! He is talking crap and saying it to keep you from leaving. Then he won't have his nice home etc to come home to. He can say what he likes, but unless there is significant proof of neglect etc by you (which there obviously isn't) no one will take them away. Its probably an empty threat from him anyway.

Surely a life with less money in a council house would be better than this.

May I ask whether you feel things are coming to a head? What prompted you to post this thread? Was it Ikea, or have you seen that all before?

Do think hard about what might have triggered this, as it could be an informed intuition that something is about to happen. For example, either your H is about to crack, or you are.

And don't think I am exaggerating about cracking. People can do some crazy things in order to get out of situations, things which are totally against their interests and ruin things for them; yet they are so desperate that they can't control themselves.

I had an ex who hated the mere thought of breaking up with me (I we tried it a number of times), even though it was really over and we had to. He eventually cheated on me, which I believe he did because he knew he had to irreversibly kill the relationship. So: he was so desperate he killed the relationship, killed our friendship, angered a lot of people and, I believe, really injured his own sense of self-worth.

That is very different from your situation, I know! But it shows how people crack, and do things they really regret. You need to get your legal protection lined up, to ease your own sense of desperation so you don't crack, and protect yourself against your husband, in case he is getting ready to crack!

I was rather moved by your sense that your MIL would stay neutral, despite your obnoxious husband and FIL. What courage, but how little she would gain personally! Perhaps, after your crisis passes, you could help her, too? Even just by offering her your friendship and sympathy when dropping off/collecting the DCs (there's no way she wouldn't be involved with helping your "ex" with his custody, is there!).

WingedVictory I really understand what you are saying, I am at the point where I know if it wasn't for the boys I would have gone.

I posted as I am not sure its worth it or if it is my fault and IABU and not seeing it he has been in the bedroom since dinner not spoken and I am dreading this weekend.

I think I am about to crack looking at it objectivly but I now at least know how to prepare and get sorted beforehand

Thank you and thanks to all who have posted going to bed now and just hope he is asleep

You have blurted out your fears, relieved the pressure building up inside you. Fresh air and the light of reason are coming in. We have seen what is inside you, and we tell you you are not being unreasonable. You know where and how to look for help. You are not afraid to open up again; you are not ashamed to be seen as bullied.

Remember: because you've let some of this out, and have opened up, the pressure inside you is enormously relieved, and you will not crack now. You can remain in control of yourself, get yourself sorted and then do what you need to do.

Not trying to hypnotise you, but recapping what has happened this evening. Sleep well!