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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if this should come under 'being a nanny'?

33 replies

Nanny999 · 22/01/2010 17:18

I'm a nanny for a great family. I look after their one and only precious boy age 3.

I've been with him since he was 11 weeks old. Mum and Dad both work very taxing jobs in the City. They work very hard to provide their son with everything he could dream of, a great house smack in the middle of London, etc. etc.

But they don't spend lots of time with him. I am here from 7am-8pm (the only reason I agreed to such long hours is that I live round the corner). Their DC wakes up at 7 and goes to bed at 7.30. They literally don't see him M-F. They have a weekend nanny as well.

Yesterday at nursery several of the Mum's friends were gathered round not realising I was behind ducked down getting little boy's coat from his peg. "It's terrible that X never sees his Mum isn't it? ... Charlie talks about how sad X is all the time, I think the Nanny must be telling him she's his mum or at least not denying it. ... I don't know how they even GOT X, they haven't spent time together in 5 years ..."

What do I do?

OP posts:
RoyaltyIsMyOnlyDelusion · 22/01/2010 17:21

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TootaLaFruit · 22/01/2010 17:25

Royalty, that's not very nice. Nanny999, there's nothing you can do. Ignore the comments. Nothing you say to your employers will make them do anything except feel guilty. Maybe reaffirm to the boy how much his mummy and daddy love him? Also, does he seem sad to you? His friend may have been exaggerating, and unless you heard it from his own mouth, I'd be inclined to think that these mothers were just having a good old gossip at someone's expense.

RoyaltyIsMyOnlyDelusion · 22/01/2010 17:27

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BrahmsThirdRacket · 22/01/2010 17:31

Just ignore them. They probably don't know anything about it and are just bitching. Unless the child is in danger or deprived, it's none of anyone else's business what the parents' set up is. Just concentrate on looking after him and being a great nanny, sure you are already.

NaccetyMac · 22/01/2010 17:34

Another one set to ignore here. Hard for you, though. It's become more than a job, really, if you are providing the consistency and care in the child's life.

Give him a massive cuddle and make sure he knows he's loved.

Original poster
Nanny999 · 22/01/2010 17:40

Assuredly not a journo and very unhelpful by the way! Just because someone has a situation which may not be 'normal' to you doesn't mean it's not true.

He seems quite happy generally, he's acting up in nursery lately but that's mainly due to him going full-time rather than part-time now I think. I guess I was wondering if I should say anything to the Mum as kind of a 'your friends aren't actually very friendly to you!'. Don't want to cross any lines though which is where I got really confused.

Been thinking about it most of yesterday and today (I've got the day off otherwise wouldn't normally be on here!)

OP posts:
BrahmsThirdRacket · 22/01/2010 17:45

This might sound a bit mean (I don't mean it to be, you sound nice) but your job is to look after the kid as well as you can. It's not your place to get involved in your employers' personal lives (very difficult if you are looking after their son for so long). Mentioning anything about the friends will only make things awkward, ditto saying anything about how much time they spend with their kid.

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 22/01/2010 17:54

How long does he go to nursery for?

And what is it that you think should come under being a nanny?

Morloth · 22/01/2010 17:55

Stay the hell out of it. Look after your charge, if you think he is having issues then tell his parents.

It is a lose/lose situation for you to get involved in any way with this.

MrsMattie · 22/01/2010 17:56

Agree with what Morloth said.

messygarden · 22/01/2010 18:25

I'd stay out of it. No good can come out of it. How would you put it to the mother and what sort of response would you expect?

I would wonder what sort of "friend" would gossip in public like that about another "friend".

RoyaltyIsMyOnlyDelusion · 22/01/2010 18:55

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Imisssleeping · 22/01/2010 19:52

Why do they have a nanny and send him to nursery?
Why pay 2 lots of child care?

You said you were there 7 am - 8 pm - why if he isn't there?

chandellina · 22/01/2010 19:58

they should mind their own business. I mean, they're welcome to gossip amongst themselves, but it doesn't mean the child is truly unhappy. There are plenty of unhappy children with SAHMs anyway.
I wouldn't say anything about it, what purpose could that serve?

chandellina · 22/01/2010 19:58

btw, to earlier posters, don't think it's unusual for 3 year olds to start their (free) nursery education.

frakkinaround · 22/01/2010 20:24

Nanny here.

Managing the parents' social relationships is not part if your job. Caring for the child is, reminding the child how much mummy and daddy love him is and shielding him from spiteful gossip is (plus any other duties specified in your contract) but there's nothing you can do in this case. Parents do say stuff like this behind people's backs, particularly IME non-working mothers about those with a career. And as we all know nannies have neither ears nor tongues so they may well have said it even if you were obviously there.

Incidentally it's not at all unusual for a school or nursery aged child to have a fulltime nanny, especially when the parents work busy jobs.

WashwithCare · 23/01/2010 18:28

I don't see what you could say, which shouldn't already be glaringly obvious to the parents.

If they've totally delagated raising their child to an employee for his every waking hour of every weekday, and have a weekend nanny too - they are hardly up for an Involved Parent of the Year Award - are they?

The real thing that's bothering me though... is how do the parents have time for friends?

hifi · 23/01/2010 19:23

lol at time for friends!classic.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 23/01/2010 19:24

I know several families who have been a bit like this at times and the fact is they don't realise what joy they are missing out on.

So Nanny999, everyone's right that you can't say anything about this. But if YOU think he is unhappy (rather than acting on comments that are third hand), maybe you could make it your mission to quietly and gently encourage them to make more time for him.

MumNWLondon · 23/01/2010 19:33

Hi Nanny999,

I work part time (3 days) and have employed a nanny since DD was a baby (although situation v different always get them up and dressed and always home to put to bed and no additional help on the 2 days I don't work or at weekends.)

If he seems happy, you don't necessarily do anything.... just continue to be a loving nanny to the little boy.... however, I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to tell your boss what you overheard (although maybe miss out the bit about nanny saying she is the mum!), as long as you can do it in a non judgemental way.

As a working mother I would always be interested to hear what the nanny overheard about me!!!!!

Also re: the comment about why send to nursery - I wouldn't want my 3 year old to miss out on socialising with other children for a few hours every day just because I employed a nanny. This meant my nanny had time to cook for my DC and do their laundry and also have a well deserved break during the day!

BrahmsThirdRacket · 23/01/2010 19:36

MumNw - noooooooooooo! There's no way you can say it without sounding judgmental.

There's no need for her to know, it was just some bitches bitching. It would probably upset her.

BoffinMum · 23/01/2010 19:45

I think Frakkin's talking good sense, as ever, but I would find it really hard not to say something (probably because I am not a nanny).

I do know that mothers say some shocking things about each other sometimes and that if you join in then it invariably backfires later on somehow.

There's a type of parent I have come across who loves their child but appreciates that they are fairly crap at parenting, so hands it over to professionals. I think as long as there's decent continuity of care this need not be a disaster and might in some cases be preferable as an option.

MumNWLondon · 23/01/2010 19:58

I'm not sure - I think it would be much less offensive to say I overheard X saying "xxx" than say as workingitout suggests that they should spend more time with him. The former is something you overhead someone else said, the later comes from you and that might be overstepping the line as a nanny. I would be very if my nanny said that to me.

Either way, if you have have been looking after him since he was a baby then he's getting continuity of care.... so maybe they comments are irrelevant I mean the parents know that they don't spend much time with him.

I am just a bit shocked that they have weekend nanny too. I have friends who work really hard during the week & possibly don't really see their DC but they are all very hands on all weekend, and if one had to work at the weekend the other would look after the DC.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 23/01/2010 20:01

Maybe they know they are shit with him, so figure the best thing is if they hire really good people to look after him. It's not ideal, but it's the best thing in the circs.

Always a bit when nannies say the parents should spend more time with the children cos I think 'Yeah but then you wouldn't have a job'.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 23/01/2010 20:19

agree with those who say you shouldn't say anything. You're just passing on mean gossip if you do, and the only person worse than a mean gossip, is the person who is 'on your side' and is all too happy to pass nasty stuff on

They are clearly not going to change their lifestyle to please the opinions of a few friends if the arrival of their own miracle, gorgeous, precious, stunning child did not make them change - so utterly pointless to tell them. Equally people who can be so superficial in their contact with their own child will hardly have very profound friendships so there's nothing worth putting yourself in the 'wrong' over, is there?

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