to think that saying 'Gender Disappointment' is a psychological condition is OTT?

[BritFish]

Just seen a description of an old documentary on 4OD about a woman who had 8 sons but kept trying to get a daughter.

a 'psychological condition?'
that makes it sound as if it can be treated...
[apart from having a girl...and would it have killed her to adopt one?hmm]
just sounds a bit extreme....

can i have 'Cake Disappointment' then?

What Riven said.

I had counselling for antenatal depression when I was pg. I was having a girl; when I found out I was devastated. I had wanted a boy my whole life. The strength of my feelings of disappointment shocked me.

Of course, looking back, I can see that my brain was riddled with hormones, I would have had the depression regardless of the gender of the baby, but at the time it felt awful. The worst thing was, I was carrying a healthy baby, and knowing how may people in the world would love to be in that position made me feel incredibly guilty for feeling the way I did.

The only information I could access about Gender disappointment was from mothers expecting boys and wanting girls- this made me feel even worse.

Interestingly, my counsellor said that a large proportion of the expectant parents she saw suffering Gender disappointment were those who had been infertile for many years, and had eventually conceived through IVF; they had held on to a dream of a (usually) baby girl for so long, that when they conceived twin boys they were devastated.

It is almost taboo to discuss it- I could never tell anybody how disappointed I was, it seemed so ungrateful.

Of course, now my DD is 14mo and I couldn't imagine loving her more than I do.

I'm not sure what my point is, but I think you are BU to dismiss the existence of the condition based on the testimony of one woman on a TV programme

Why do people always bring up adoption in these situations as though adoption were an easy option, like picking up a daughter in Tesco?
FWIW I have 4 sons and have spent some time on forums where the term "gender disappointment" is frequently used and could safely say I have it myself but I don't know if I would call it a "psychological condition", it's just one dream that hasn't come true for me. But I don't go on about it in front of my sons. who are fabulous boys. I also don't feel that "they aren't good enough" the disappointment is in the lack of girly things in the house and the lack of mother-daughter relationship, my boys are in no way disappointing in themselves and never have been.

reservejudgement...someday you will have daughters-in-law and possibly granddaughters for all that girly stuff

I think you've hit the nail o the head there, Riven... the disappointment and devastation you experience at your DD's condition is normal, and justified.

Responding with such disappointment to the impending birth of a healthy baby girl didn't feel normal or justified to me, and it certainly didn't feel like a rational reaction.

Also, each society's norms and values are a massive factor- were I living in India a few decades ago (or even now), my 'Gender disappointment' would have been understood as normal and justified to the point of termination being recommended; not something I ever considered.

There is obviously something wrong with someone who keeps having children in an attempt to get the "right" gender or who is disappointed with twin boys after doing IVF (really WTF?!).

These are not the thoughts/actions of a normal person.

It kind of makes sense to me, Morloth... the IVF couples had had longer to develop their idea of a 'fantasy child'- once they realise that this 'fantasy child' is unlikely to ever become a reality, they kind of have to 'grieve' for that fantasy child IYSWIM?

i get both sides of this, but its disappointment. thats what it is, does it really need to be hyped up [for want of a better word] into just ANOTHER thing you can have wrong with you... over-classifying?
im lucky enough to have not had to use IVF, but people i do speak to are glad the treatment works at all, never mind what gender child they get at the end...
and apologies, reservejudgement, i did not mean to come across as if adoption was an easy process at all! i just would have thought if you were so desperate to have a certain gender child you would try a way to have a child that is definately going to be of that gender, rather than face disappointment once again. and in this case, it was obviously very extreme.
tethersend, sorry that i have not done years of medical research into this, mumsnet must be a constant disappointment to you!

BritFish- who said anything about years of medical research?

Perhaps some of the posts on this thread will give you a broader perspective... If you are going to post about a condition in AIBU, surely it's not unreasonable to suggest you investigate it a little further than watching one TV programme about one Woman?

"im lucky enough to have not had to use IVF, but people i do speak to are glad the treatment works at all, never mind what gender child they get at the end..."

I don't think any of us who are able to conceive naturally can know what it feels like to have diffculty in doing so. The attitude of 'you should be grateful' is more than likely one of the reasons 'Gender disappointment' has been labelled at all. Simply discussing the disappointment you feel with friends and loved ones isn't an option, for fear of the reactions you outline in your post.

Just because 'Gender disappointment' has a label doesn't mean it's on a par with 'paranoid schizophrenia', for example...

I think some of this must arise from having pre-conceptions about what each gender is 'like'. I have one of each, now grown up. I have a close mother-child relationship with both - we shop together, have long chats etc.- their gender is largely irrelevant.

Seems a bit unreasonable to imagine 'sons' or 'daughters' to all be the same. They are individual people.

"and would it have killed her to adopt one?"

because it's that easy to adopt and choose the sex of the child you adopt

"Seems a bit unreasonable to imagine 'sons' or 'daughters' to all be the same. They are individual people."

Completely agree, KurriKurri- but that's something you only find out after you have children, isn't it? Can't comment on the woman in the OP, but I had no frame of reference for how I would feel about a child which was mine.

"Just seen a description of an old documentary"

BritFish, did you not even watch the documentary?

Very fair point Tethersend.

And I do appreciate that longing for one gender doesn't equate to being disappointed with what you have.

Isn't there a Ruth Rendell story where a woman gets really bad ante-natal depression triggered by the amnio revealing that she is expecting a girl? Inspector Burden's wife. If this is describing something that can and has happened, then it certainly sounds like a psychological condition, and different from normal disappointment. But you could equally just refer to it as depression.

Kurri - being the mother of 3 boys, your relationship with your son (and daughter) fills me with great hope!

I think I have been disappointed with having boys (to varying degrees - strangely, very little with the last) and this has led to slight PND, which clearly is a psychological condition. However, I don't believe that GD is actually the condition IYSWIM.

It is just a dream that you have, which you have to adjust to your circumstances, and when you come through the other side you realise just how lucky you are. Other people's attitudes really don't help though - the assumption that you are desperate for a specific sex can wear you down.

Message withdrawn

i was NOT implying it's easy to adopt and i have already apologised if i seemed flippant!

and no, i didnt watch the documentary.
sorry for turning a passing observation into a post.
i didn't really want to watch it, personally i struggle with the idea that you could be disappointed by what is the most basic information about your child... maybe i will do more research into this... im sure people are diappointed, and that there is far more rooted in this than simply being selfish. im not saying that people aren't disappointed, im just a little overwhelmed that EVERYTHING has to be classified into some kind of condition.

I don't think it is simply about being selfish, although there is an element of that in my case. It is not a feeling I have total control over, although I have managed to snap myself out of it on the last occasion.

I know what you mean though about everything being a condition - too much over-analysing!

Somanyboys - I'm glad I've given you hope - I'm sure your boys are lovely.

I understand about the 'what if' feelings - I would have loved a really big family, but that wasn't possible,- doesn't stop me wondering what it would have been like if I had had more.

surely the point is that it IS a totally disproportionate reaction to something that shouldn't be so important (whereas grieving for a healthy child is totally normal if you have a child with a genetic condition for example) that makes it a psychological condition or problem for the mother.

just like being scared of something innocuous like buttons is a phobia and a psychological condition but being scared of walking on a tightrope is totally sensible and normal.

This pisses me off and these people should get a grip. In fact I'm not sure there isn't a case for saying she's an irresponsible selfish mother for bringing eight boys into the world when she clearly didn't really want about 6 of them! In these days of almost instant gratification some people have a warped sense of entitlement to absolutely everything!