to think that saying 'Gender Disappointment' is a psychological condition is OTT?

[BritFish]

Just seen a description of an old documentary on 4OD about a woman who had 8 sons but kept trying to get a daughter.

a 'psychological condition?'
that makes it sound as if it can be treated...
[apart from having a girl...and would it have killed her to adopt one?hmm]
just sounds a bit extreme....

can i have 'Cake Disappointment' then?

It is not a sense of entitlement that brings on these feelings - it is a sense of disappointment that is beyond your control. I do agree that having 8 children for that reason is slightly extreme, although as none of us have actually seen this programme, we do not know what she is like as a mother, whether she wanted a large family anyway etc..

"sorry for turning a passing observation into a post."

BritFish, it's AIBU. Someone was always going you say that you were...

It's 99% girls who are wanted too

i know its AIBU....oh i just struggle with everything having to be classified as something that overhypes and analyses it!
i have dark thoughts on certain parents overanalysing things...
It's sad though really, i'd always imagined having a a boy first, in my idle thoughts, but when i was pregnant i was so ecstatic that i was going to have a baby i couldn't have cared less if it came out orange with wings and a tail!
i do feel sorry for the kids of mums who are disappointed in them

So do I Britfish

I do too, BritFish- and I really believe the counselling I had when I was pg made sure I bonded well with my DD when she was born- having a child of the desired gender is not the only way to 'cure' gender disappointment.

Surely if this 'condition' can be labelled and identified, it means intervention can be taken so that the mother doesn't become disappointed in her child(ren), that's a good thing?

Substitute a comma for an '&', and it's possible that my last post will make sense

ARRRGH.

Substitute an '&' for a comma

Comment about IVF couples and disappointment is interesting. I once knew a woman who had a little boy after several years of infertility/IVF, and she spent a lot of time compaining about him/being disparaging about boys in general.

A couple of years later she had a little girl, who is treated like a little angel princess baby - this child is idolised, seriously! The difference in how she treats the boy and the girl is huge.

I always thought it was strange how someone could seem so 'fed up' with their much-wanted IVF baby (though I never judged - had PND myself) but the comment above sort of makes sense.

Perhaps she would have been fed up like that however her child had been conceived. I don't think that just because someone has IVF to have a child doesn't mean they can't have a preference. How they handle that disapointment probably says more about their individual personality and so the fact that it was an IVF conception really shouldn't be an issue.

if that makes sense.

I would rather have a girl, mostly because I am a girl. If Ihave a boy (if I do succeed) then I won't be so disappointed that I treat him worse than I would a girl. That I will have to have IVF to have a child doesn't mean I should be more grateful IYSWIM. I know what I mean anyway

You make sense, DuelingFanjo

I think my counsellor meant that for some parents, it was the years of trying to conceive and building up a picture of the 'fantasy child', rather than the method of eventual conception that was a factor in their gender disappointment IYSWIM

I had no idea how much I'd wanted a boy until the sonographer said "It's a girl". But then I had no idea how it would feel to hold my own baby, regardless of gender...

One of the reasons I don't talk to people in RL about my own gender disappointment is that like a lot of posters here, the assumption is made that I am disppointed with my sons. I have to emphasise that I am NOT disappointed in my sons! They are great kids! I am however disappointed that my pink one is missing, it doesn't mean I don't love the blue ones.
And, yes, there is an intelligent part of me that knows I'm being silly and that if I did have a daughter, she would probably be a Ben-10-loving, Barbie-hating wild child, rather than the princess I have in my head!
I actually don't think it is a "condition" in its own right, I think I would probably describe it as a possible causative factor in some mental health conditions, rather than a condition in its own right.

I had never heard of this condition before reading this thread, but I think Tethersend has explained it really well. I am glad that treatments are available for people who have these reactions - the whole IVF process must be hugely stressful.

Reading this has made me realise how lucky so many of us are to have children, and how easy it is to forget that.

actually tethersend, I also had a fantasy child who cleaned his room without being told, ate broccoli and spinach without complaining and played only with wooden toys. Still waiting............

judgey judgey on here on so many levels

I am reading my post back and thinking I haven't phrased this bit very well:

'Reading this has made me realise how lucky so many of us are to have children, and how easy it is to forget that.'

I do not mean people who have been through IVF and then not had a girl, or people who have had 1 child through IVF and then not been able to have another. I was actually thinking about how lucky I have been, because I really wanted a girl and cried when I came out of my scan because they said it probably was a girl. I still think how lucky I am but it is easy to forget and take it for granted.

But I am now worrying that it sounded as if I was criticising people who had gender disappointment or PND, which was not my intention at all! I meant that people who were not in that position were lucky.

i think that came from some bright spark jazzing up the press release, tbh, i've seen the show and it doesn't really mention it as a psychological condition (not that i can recall anyway). it's just women feeling a bit crowded out by the males in their house, all of them are nice and fine etc and not at all loopy.

yanbu. I have several friends who had only boys and they were obsessed/desperate for a girl. I tried to understand but after many losses I still can't really understand dissapointment of a healthy child and feel sorry for the boys they have when trying for a girl. I have seen posts by people who 'really did not want another boy' but had one. I have DSs and DDs now but had all one gender first. I really don't see anything better about girls over boys (mine are all fab), people's fantasies are usually not reality. Sons could be much closer for example.

you're all going to feel like a bunch of horrors when you see this woman, by the way. she's really lovely and her 8 boys are lovely. she did, however, lose a daughter to stillbirth and this haunts her. not unsurprisingly, i think.

My grandparents had that syndrome. They had 5 girls and still kept trying for that elusive boy. They did get him in the end (but let's gloss over the fact that he is inside for armed robbery at the moment). Luckily this was the 1950s though, or they would have had to undergo serious psychiatric analysis instead of the more vigourous Pull Yourself Together cure they were offered under the NHS at that time.

ProvincialLady, not everybody who suffers from PND gets serious psychiatric treatment. An awful lot of people get no help at all.

And just because one person's or couple's disappointment over their baby is just that- disappointment, that doesn't mean that somebody else may not have a serious mental health issue triggered by the same thing.

I am under no illusion that my own mild surprise at having given birth to a dd ("so what have they done to my boy?") is in any way to be compared to tethersend's very real problems. Any more than I could dismiss somebody's PND or postnatal psychosis because I had the baby blues and I did fine with just pulling myself together. Yes, that was fine. For me.

anyone know what the program was called?

I had 3 cycles of IVF for my son and used to just pray and pray for a baby and in I have never admitted this but I was desperate for a girl. Reasons being I am a girl, I knew my family wanted me to have a girl and so on.

Someone earlier on hit the nail on the head that I had years of building up a fantasy of my little "Jessica" - yes she even had a name.. and then at my 16 week scan a teeny tiny penis arrived on the screen. I was shocked but straight away this emotion of "i am having a son" came over me and I never felt a second of upset. He is the most adorable little man and if we were ever lucky enough to conceive again through ivf I would not care if I had another boy I would be delighted. Mind you perhaps I am lucky I have a boy who loves buggies and baby dolls lol!! However I am never happier than playing football with him or getting the train set out and playing choo choos!! So big shock to me was that where I always wanted a girl - my little boy was the best thing i could have ever hoped for and i would not swap him for 10 girls.
I do remember when I told my mum the sex there was absolute disapointment in her voice when she said (oh right) and that was after waiting 6 years to have a grandchild. Now she says I cant imagien why i ever wanted you to have a girl.
I think its all to do with the theory of a daughter is a daughter for life but a son only till he takes a wife.

8 boys and wanting a girl, i think.

thanks aitch