Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my child is only one not invited to birthday party?

50 replies

Tinasan · 22/01/2010 09:53

My 3 year old DD attends a small nursery every morning - about 10-12 kids. She's been coming home this week and playing with her dolls, saying things like 'you're not coming to my party. You're not my friend, stop following me'. Also last night told me 'mummy I don't have a lot of friends' Anyway got a text from a friend this morning asking if my daughter was going to the party tomorrow and could I take hers too as she was busy. Now realise that my DD is the only kid to not be invited to the party. I assume it's because we were away for a few months a while back and perhaps other parents don't know us(although her name is on attendance list every day etc). She's very shy and not as mature in socialising as the other kids, probably because she's not been at nursery so much. What can I say to her to make her feel better? She's my eldest so I'm new to all this and I don't want to overreact and make a big thing of it, but I know she does feel upset and excluded.

OP posts:
gorionine · 22/01/2010 09:56

Are you really sure she is the only one not invited or are you just assuming?

motherlovebone · 22/01/2010 10:04

I would think / hope that if she is not the only one invited it is an oversight.

Its not the first time ive heard of something like this and i think it pretty much continues until you are an adult and dont give a toss.

You could approach the parent and ask if she is the only one excluded, and tell her you think its pretty unfair.

Tell DD you are sorry she cant go because you are going to the theatre that day / seeing some other friends / doing something special.

You could offer to mind your friends DD on that day and treat them both.

nancy75 · 22/01/2010 10:09

this happened to my dd at nursery and it broke my heart, in fact, silly cow that i am , i'm nearly in tears now thinking about it.
i spoke to the nursery when it happened and they made sure that dd played with other children more and put lots of work into her socialising skills, maybe thats something you could try.
i didn't say anything to the parent that did it, i think if i had started i would have ripped her head off!
agree with motherlovebone, take her on a nice day out instead.

waitingforbedtime · 22/01/2010 10:13

yanbu but how do you know she's the only one not invited?

It might well be worth talking to the nursery and seeing if they can help so people arent saying things like dont follow me etc.

There isnt much you can do about the party I dont think tbh, just treat her another way if possible?

TulipsInTheRain · 22/01/2010 10:18

this is why i send spare invitations in with dd so that if i've forgotton someone the teacher can scribble their name on one and give it to them.

if you're sure she's the only one not invited i'd be tempted to say something to the mother tbh, it's childish and cruel to encourage that sort of behaviour in little kids.

i'd also have a word with the nursery and suggest that if not all kids are invited to a party that they don't let invitations be handed out during nursery and discourage the kids who are going from talking about it all week. they're far too young at three for all this nonsense to be starting.

verytellytubby · 22/01/2010 10:21

Speak to the nursery staff. It could be an oversight. I'd be upset too.

minxofmancunia · 22/01/2010 10:26

YANBU my heart is breaking for your dd! This is horrible in such a small group the parent should have checked with the nursery staff so as to ensure everyone was included.

I think at this age you should either invite 1 or 2 or everyone not allow the 3 year old to dictate, it's a good lesson to learn in cluding poeple and being nice and kind.

do you have some non nursery friends she can have a lovely day out with instead?

Hulababy · 22/01/2010 10:31

I would check with nursery somehow fuirst to see if she really is the only one not going.

minxofmancunia · 22/01/2010 10:37

i think that's a wise move check withiut any doubt she's not the only one. if this is the case i would have a word with the mum or write her a note explaining your concerns.

if the response is that her dd didn't want to invite her this is not valid imo. 3 year olds should not be allowed to dictate this kind of thing, at 6 may be but not 3.

Tryharder · 22/01/2010 10:59

I would check with the nursery first as well. If it's true, then you are certainly not being unreasonable - how cruel (at worst) or thoughtless (at best) to exclude just one child out of a large group. I suspect the latter - most people are not cruel - I would imagine your daughter had just fallen under the radar so to speak. I would ask one of the nursery staff to mention it to the parent in question if you yourself are too embarrassed to say anything (and I wouldn't blame you)

Before I clicked onto this thread, I expected that you would have a lot of responses saying get a grip etc so am glad to see that everyone sympathises.

FWIW, some years back (I was 32!!), I was working abroad in an office consisting of around 10 people from the UK. One of my colleagues had a dinner party and invited everyone else except me. I didn't say anything and was really hurt. It turned out that she had thought she had invited me (she was quite scatty), was incredibly mortified and apologised profusely the next day and gave me a bottle of wine....Being excluded does hurt whatever age you are and you have every right to protect your daughter.

Original poster
Tinasan · 22/01/2010 11:00

Thanks everyone. I will check with the nursery today when I pick her up. I completely agree that age 6 or so, kids should pick who to invite to their parties but at 3 I think you either invite just one or 2 or everybody. I don't think I'll say anything to the parents, I can't imagine that anyone would exclude a 3 year old on purpose and it would just be embarrassing for everybody if I make a big deal of it.

Tbh it's the kind of socialisation (if that's the word) at the nursery that's worrying me more than the party thing - she's only 3 so would be oblivious to the fact that she's not invited if the kids weren't pointing it out to her. Since she's started back (after xmas following 3 month break) I have heard a lot of unkind talk (she repeats it back to her younger siblings). She does have a 'best friend' at nursery, a girl (with big sisters) who is much more socially confident, but as soon as my DD doesn't comply with what this child wants, she's told that she's not her best friend anymore, go away, you're too little to play etc. I know that part of it is just the way kids are, and they learn as they grow up, but should the nursery be doing more to intervene and limit unkind behaviour? Apart from anything else, I don't want my DD to learn this behaviour and then repeat it to other kids.

OP posts:
gorionine · 22/01/2010 11:01

I am just curious to know what people who would talk to the mother would say to her? would it be more

sarah293 · 22/01/2010 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gorionine · 22/01/2010 11:04

typos!

gorionine · 22/01/2010 11:04

typos!

motherlovebone · 22/01/2010 11:09

i would say something like " hi blah, wanted to check with you, have all children been invited but mine? "
and take it from there.

gorionine · 22/01/2010 11:21

But if they say yes, do you think your DC being invited by "default" is necessary better than not having been invited in the first place?

If it is an oversight the mum will be very appologetic and invite the Dc and that is fine, but if the Dc has not been invited because the party boy/girl does not get allong with them do you think she/he will have a good time?

OP says that her DD is told "stop following me, you are not my friend!" I cannot help but think that her not being invited to that particular party might be a blessing in disguise.

Longtalljosie · 22/01/2010 11:29

If they say yes, I'd reply something along the lines of "right... . Well, just to let you know it's really upset her, and she's being teased about it at nursery as well". Then turn on your heel and walk off.

gorionine · 22/01/2010 11:35

I still do not see how it will make the situation better. If they deliberatly did not invite her, they probably do not care anyway about how the little girl feels.

IMHO, it is better for OP's daughter's sake to keep this event as "non-important" as possible. If too much of a big deal is made of it she is really going to think that she is missing out on something when in fact she is not, she is going to stay at home with parents that love her rather than going to a party where the children might not be that kind with her anyway.

pigletmania · 22/01/2010 11:35

It is really if she is the only one not invited, but you do not know for certain, you are just assuming.

My dd 2.10 social skills are dreadful, infact she likes to play on her own and i am trying desperately to improve it by talking to her, reading, having my friends little kids over to play and by paying for preschool. I would not be suprised if she was the only one not invited to a party but at the moment she is only little and hopefully once she matures more will develop better skills.

Dont worry, mabey you could do something special together instead. Dont let your disappointment rub onto her, dont mention it or feel sad around her about it. I am afraid that these things happen in life and also when you are an adult. There will be many birthdays [adult] weddings that you are going to be left out just one of those things tbh

pigletmania · 22/01/2010 11:41

I also think that not inviting just one kid is bad though, fair enough if you are having a small to medium party but to not invite only one or two children is My dd would not have a clue if she was not invited and even if i told her or other children told her it would go off the top of her head anyway, she has not got to that stage yet where she is mature enough to be affected by all this

sciennesmum · 22/01/2010 11:41

ohh my.. how people can be so thoughtless and crule is beyond me...
Let's hope it's somekind of a mix-up... but you realy should talk to the nursery re the "your not my friend, stop following me!" thing... That's something you need to sort out soon/asap and have the nursery check.. if your D is feeling so left out and alone, she mabey needs just a little help to bond with the other kids... it's difficult to be the odd one out in such a small nursery. Please if she doesn't go to this party, take her somewhere nice and not once meantion this bloddy party... just do something fun for you two...

thesecondcoming · 22/01/2010 11:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chandon · 22/01/2010 11:51

can you please tell us if you are SURE whe is the only one not invited? As that makes quite a difference imo.

I think it´s perfectly o.k. to invite only 8 or 9 out of 12

Merrylegs · 22/01/2010 11:52

.."she's only 3 so would be oblivious to the fact that she's not invited if the kids weren't pointing it out to her."

Really? The other kids are pointing it out to her? Are you sure? As you say, I can't believe the other kids are aware enough of who is invited to what.

Unless it's the birthday child who is saying 'you're not coming to my party' - in which case she has been deliberately slighted and that is upsetting.

How does she even know about the party? Was there a big show of handing invites out?

Someone has misunderstood or miscommunicated the situation. You need to raise your concerns with the nursery - ask about their policy on party invites at least.

Swipe left for the next trending thread