To be upset that my child is only one not invited to birthday party?

[Tinasan]

My 3 year old DD attends a small nursery every morning - about 10-12 kids. She's been coming home this week and playing with her dolls, saying things like 'you're not coming to my party. You're not my friend, stop following me'. Also last night told me 'mummy I don't have a lot of friends' Anyway got a text from a friend this morning asking if my daughter was going to the party tomorrow and could I take hers too as she was busy. Now realise that my DD is the only kid to not be invited to the party. I assume it's because we were away for a few months a while back and perhaps other parents don't know us(although her name is on attendance list every day etc). She's very shy and not as mature in socialising as the other kids, probably because she's not been at nursery so much. What can I say to her to make her feel better? She's my eldest so I'm new to all this and I don't want to overreact and make a big thing of it, but I know she does feel upset and excluded.

Just to clarify - the reason I'm pretty sure she's the only one not invited is because my friend who texted me about it this morning told me that all the children have been invited to all the birthday parties so far this year (children started turning 3 in Sept and we were away Sep-Nov, this is first one since we've been back). So I think/hope it's an oversight.

Of course we'll do something nice with her tomorrow and not mention the blimmin party. Gorionine - when you say you think it's a blessing in disguise she's not going - I'm not sure. I think it will just make her feel more excluded.

Oh dear - I remember to this day how I felt when I was the only one not invited to a party at nursery school. It's one of my earliest memories I would do something if you can.

Merrylegs - if you read my first post you'll see that she has started saying to dolls/siblings this week 'you're not invited to my party. You're not my friend' etc. So it would be a rather bizarre coincidence if this didn't coincide with not getting a party invitation. I don't know how she knows about the party, but she does know that she's not welcome at it.

I was saying that because from your OP it did not appear to be an oversight that your DD was not invited (if it had been, the party girl would have just assumed your DD is invited instead of boasting that she was having a pary and your Dd was not invited ITYSWIM? I am a ferm believer in "better on your own than in bad company". Although, a 3yo is very likely to be very exited about their party without a second thought for the other child for the very reason they are 3 yo, not necessary through being totally mean)

That said, it is upsetting for your Dd to feel left out but you ae doing the right thing by not mentioninng the party anymore and do something alse with her.

YANBU at all, but as the damage appears to have been done (she has been hurt and teased) I would approach the nursery about these issues, and just forget about trying to find out why she wasn't invited to the party. Definitely make other plans and persuade DD that even if she had been invited, you already had this exciting thing planned so she wouldn't have been able to go.

I totally remember being 4 and the whole 'you're not my friend, you're not coming to my party' thing, and how anxious it made me as an already very shy child.

Tinasan, how sad. Can your friend bring the subject up? If she asks the birthday child's mum if you can bring her child? If birthday child mum says yes, then she can get back to her, having asked you, and let her know that you don't have an invitation. Implying that it's an oversight. If birthday child's mum says that actually you guys aren't invited, then it speaks volumes about her attitude. And word will get round.

You're not the first mum in this position, or to feel so upset about it. Definitely worth chatting to your daughter about what she thinks constitutes friendly actions (and words) and helping her practise them if you have concerns.

If the party girl has been teasing then tbh I think your daughter is well out of it!

How horrid, this happened to dd last year in her final year at nursery. What made it more horrid still was that the teacher handed out the invited to everyone in front of the class and there was dd without one.

Of course anyone giving a party can invite who they want. But if they are the kind of people who are going to allow a child to invite everyone in a class bar one, then a pox on them is what I say. Dd didn't want to invite a boy in her class (he used to spit in her dinner ) but I reminded her how she had felt when the other girl hadn't invited her, and of course she invited him.

On these occasions the staff should also insist that if not everyone is invited then the invites are given out away from the school.

For my DD's 5th party she chose who to invite, basically no boys and all but 1 girl from her class. I felt terrible and explained to DD that it wasn't nice to leave anyone out. The girl she left out was disruptive and naughty in class so my DD didn't want her being disruptive and naughty at her party. What could I do, I had to put my child first, it was her party after all but I did feel awful.

YANBU at all and I am devastated for you and your DD - but it strikes me that as you have been away all last term when the parties all began and your DD is only just back at nursery isn't this probably a case of oversight?

Quite possibly the mother just sat and thought right who are all the kids and has remembered the names of the 'usual suspects' of 11 who were all there last term and not realised that your DD is back - not everyone checks the attendance sheets .

I totally agree with MadamDeathStare and if it was me I would ask one of the nursery staff to quietly mention it to the mother and ask if she realised/meant that it was just one child she hadn't invited?

Also once this has all died down I would be speaking to the nursery staff about why the kids were allowed to be saying such horrid things to your DD without intervention from staff!! but I would leave that as a separate issue!

alwaysonadiet I can see your point but I'm afraid I disagree, she should have been invited and her parents stay maybe to keep an eye on her behaviour.

dd is only 3, year one just a familiy party (not that she noriced gave a s**t!), year 2 just family and friends with kids, last year year 3, everyone in her room at nursery has bouncy castle, ball pool, singing games etc. bit of a headache! Parents stayed, one gril v disruptive, bit dd, attacked other kids so on and so forth. Subsequent parties of other nursery kids notable by this little girls absence. YES she's a pian, YEs her mum doesn't always do that well with intervening with her behaviour but it's still so bloody hard for this Mum and her kid because it's pretty obvious they're being left out and it upsets me on their behalf.

Thsi year for 4th am offering dd the choice between a whole room party or just (there are 15 kids in the room) 5 mates round for a cooking party. I hope she chooses the latter!

Hopefully you'll find out that it was an oversight but I think there are a couple of things you could do...

1. Speak to the nursery staff about the unkind behaviour of some of the others towards your child but make it about the behaviour/things they've said and how your DD has copied this, not about the party invites per se.

1. Tell the friend that your DD's not been invited and, depending on how good a friend she is, maybe ask her if she could let the party mum know that she's put her foot in it by asking the mum of an uninvited child to tke her own DD e.g. "Hi X, Y's really looking forward to Z's party but I'm afraid I've put my foot in it... I asked A's Mum, B, to take Y along but had no idea that A wasn't invited! Really sorry if that makes things tricky for you."

1. Plan a party tea with your DD and siblings at home for tomorrow. Write invites, decide which dolls, teddies etc. to invite, choose some party food or decorate some cakes for the party, wrap up a pass-the-parcel (you could use one of her own toys in the middle - I've done this before as my DD loves PtheP any time of year) and hold your own little party. No mention of Z's party need be made but come Monday your DD won't have been left out of a party as she will have had her own!

Option 3's not ideal and won't make you as a parent feel better but it will give her something to talk about and, at the end of the day, no matter how offended we may be as parents if our children are left out (intentionally or otherwise) we need to remember that what we need to do is to equip our children for life, not make everything fair/equal etc.

I know exactly how you feel. I had to take to my bed one evening I was so upset that DD had not been invited to a party when she was 8. She wasn't the only one, but thought she was a close of friend of this particular girl, and I had been out to lunch with the mum in question who told me all about the fab sleepover she was planning for her DD. Then when my DD didn't get invited, and other girls said "X is only inviting her 10 best friends and you are not one of them" I was beside myself with disbelief that someone could be so brazen. It has happened on several other occasions too. Once she was the only one not to be invited to a party, but it was a girl deemed to be very uncool so DD did not seem bothered. It has always been a concern to me that my DD, who of course I think is the best thing since sliced bread, has never been particularly popular with other girls her age. She gets great reports from School, but other girls get comments like "K is very popular" - not my little treasure. Other mums love her, as she is quite mature being an only child, and I have always felt she would come into her own as she gets older. I am now being proved right, as at age 10 she is finally deemed to be "cool" by the "coolest" gang in the class. (Not of course a necessarily good thing) So take heart. Popularity comes and goes. Agree just do something special with your DD on the day of the party and accept the fact that your heart will be hurt many times in the coming years!

hannyho what wise words, so pleased your dd now has her own little gang!

My dd seems to be popular gets invited to everything, party and platdate invite flying around all over the place. I was the opposite which i think is why I'm so desperate that she isn't, doesn't seem to be a prob at the mo! This is also why i'm adamant other kids won't be left out of social stuff.

I didn't really get any proper mates until I was about 16/17, it's pretty ahrd going when you're a kid!

Thanks again everyone. I'm going to speak to the nursery teachers on Monday about the general behaviour and not specifically mention the party stuff. Don't want to dwell on it, DD hasn't mentioned it today and seemed fairly happy when I picked her up. The bold 'best friend' was there, and DD informed me that 'X said she wasn't my bf for today but then she decided she would be for a while'.....It's hard but I'm just going to have to support her as she learns to deal with the less attractive aspects of
3 year old behaviour I suppose!

Alwaysonadiet - I have to disagree I'm afraid, I think letting your daughter leave just one girl out of the party (even if she was disruptive) will teach her that it's ok to be mean. Which it isn't. Even to 'naughty and disruptive' children.

This makes me so sad, I dont want my babies to grow up, but clearly this is something we all faced, and will face

I likes Silverstud idea, dont confront the parents but get your friend to find out why, less confrontational and you can see if she is the only one left out

I think that given the comments DD has made to her dolls means these girls are being mean (at 3!!!! sweet jesus). school is so tough, so I would advise getting advice on how to boost her confidence, self esteem and social skills etc, anything we can do to armour our children the better

I know porcamiseria, I am really sad that this has started already at only three years old. Fair enough at six or seven but three...I am really feeling low this afternoon. In fact your name sums it up perfectly!

One year, for my DD's 4th bday, I got most of the invites out, but there were a few kids I didn't know the names of. I wrote down their names when we got to nursery, went home and did their invites. But DD wasn't due into nursery the next day, so I asked a neighbour who attended the same nursery, to post them in the kids' drawers for me.

Come the day of the party, the kids in the second batch didn't turn up. It was only a year later, when I;d become friendly with the mums, that I discovered they'd never received the invites. I was horrified! The bleeding neighbour had never posted them! Perhaps it was an innocent slip? Maybe your DD has been invited, but the invite was lost?

I couldn't in a million years ask a parent why my child hadn't been invited! What would they say 'my child doesn't like yours' ? It's not really fair to put people on the spot like that when you really have no idea how many children have been invited.

StrictlyKatty - did you actually read any of my posts? I have at no point even mentioned asking the parents about the party invite

how do you know your dd is the only one not invited - have you asked the other 11/12 parents?

maybe you can ask the nursery teacher to ask parent if all the class are going - in casual conservation

seems weird to not invite one child, but it does happen