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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not visit my mother in hospital

44 replies

UnderneathTheStream · 21/01/2010 14:32

A little bit of background first. My mother is incredibly selfish, and a high functioning alcoholic. My father was very ill throughout my childhood, yet it was always about her. My brother and I did not have a childhood because everything from having birthdays to having friends made her life to difficult.
My brother cut contact for years ? I just tried to distance it and make the contact on my terms. More recently though she has been increasingly frail so I?ve made the effort to visit regularly.
I had a miscarriage last week and got rushed to A&E with complications. I phoned her afterwards to let her know. She turned the conversation around to her operation this week. She is getting her ankle fused due to arthritis.
Fine.
My DP?s very lovely father came straight to A&E when called, gave us a lift home, stayed with me on Saturday when DP had to go out, and rang to check on me.
I rang my mother last night to tell her I was fine now. She wants me to visit her in hospital as I am signed off sick and so therefore free, oh and call her after the op.
I don?t want to go ? I want this time to myself.
Yes I am being selfish but I don?t want to do for her what she couldn?t be bothered to do for me.
AIBU?
I have no dc so childcare is not an issue and she will be in the next city (45mins away approx)

OP posts:
StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 21/01/2010 15:15

You need to take care of yourself - you have been through a very difficult time, and there's nothing wrong with putting your needs first, especially as it sounds as if your mother thinks of no-one but herself.

So no, YANBU, and I hope you feel a bit better soon.

Original poster
UnderneathTheStream · 21/01/2010 15:18

Just noticed my mistake to too

OP posts:
easyoptionwoman · 21/01/2010 15:27

YANBU at all. You need to forget about her for the time being and concentrate on yourself. This is the time for you to put yourself first and her selfishness can wait.

Original poster
UnderneathTheStream · 21/01/2010 15:32

Well I was fully prepared to be told IABU... so far so good!

OP posts:
StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 21/01/2010 15:33

I'm sure if she was the sort of mum who was always there for you, caring and supportive, then you'd have been there like a shot. Unfortunately she needs to learn that you reap what you sow.

Tamarto · 21/01/2010 15:35

You need to do what you want to do.

Only you can say whether you'd feel guilty not going, there is nothing wrong with being the bigger person, just as there is nothing wrong with putting yourself first.

Original poster
UnderneathTheStream · 21/01/2010 15:36

It's the contrast between DP's father and her that strikes me. I'm not even his daughter yet he cared. She doesn't unless it suits her.
If I did go I'd probably say something we'd both regret as I'm a tad emotional at the moment!

OP posts:
ChickensLoveMarmite · 21/01/2010 15:37

YANBU. You need to put yourself first. She sounds a bit like an emotional parasite, and you need to be strong to deal with someone like that. Right now you should focus on protecting yourself. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

LucyEllensmadmummy · 21/01/2010 15:56

Im so sorry for your loss, you need to look after yourself now - if your mother was a reasonable person she would understand this, don't feel guilty for a minute - just explain that you are not going to feel well enough. or don't explain anything, you dont have to

chegirlsgotheartburn · 21/01/2010 16:19

YANBU.

Dont feel guilty.

Look after yourself.

diddl · 21/01/2010 16:31

If you don´t feel up to it then I don´t think you should go.

I would consider calling to see how the op went, though.

Sunshinemummy · 21/01/2010 16:56

In some ways I could have written your post (alcoholic, slefish dad - wonderful FIL who spent lots of time with me when I was pregnant with DC2 and DH away). I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

RunLyraRun · 21/01/2010 17:45

YANBU at all. I'm sorry about your miscarriage, take care of yourself.

porcamiseria · 21/01/2010 17:49

YANBU, at all. she sounds like a selifish bint. rest up and sorry about the MC

mazzystartled · 21/01/2010 17:49

yanbu

glad you have some wonderful support in dp and his dad

put yourself first, it's what you need to do right now

Original poster
UnderneathTheStream · 21/01/2010 17:52

I think diddl is right though - I will call her in a minute - but more to stop me feeling guilty than for her.
She has never asked me how I am, but that's not going to change.
My lovely DP said he's surprised I'm even commenting on it - should be used to it by now!

OP posts:
agedknees · 21/01/2010 17:55

Your dp's father sounds like a lovely man.

YANBU. You need to look after yourself, put yourself first.

Original poster
UnderneathTheStream · 21/01/2010 18:07

Well I rang her - she hasn't had the op yet (they're running late) and so could I ring back later.
Did she ask how I was? Did she hell.....

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/01/2010 19:25

YANBU to stay away, but you have done the right thing by calling.

Coldhands · 21/01/2010 19:28

TBH, I don't know why you bothered to ring!!

YANBU. Very sorry for your MC, that must have been an awful experience and to have your mother not care makes it worse. Thank god for your lovely FIL, at least you know there is someone who cares.

I don't know my mum after she disowned me when I was 4. If she ever tried to come back into my life now (although I know she still doesn't want to know) I would have no problem telling her to fuck off. If your mum is this bad, leave her to it. Just because she gave birth to you, doesn't make her a 'mum' IYSWIM.

Original poster
UnderneathTheStream · 21/01/2010 21:49

Oh Coldhands that is awful for you. It is really sad that some people do not get the mothers they deserve IYSWIM

OP posts:
Coldhands · 21/01/2010 22:28

Yeah, I get really envious sometimes. Particularly when you read in baby mags about mums helping out loads etc!

Luckily my nan brought me up and is amazing, and even though she thinks of me as her 6th DC rather than her grandaughter, I have always been painfully aware that she is my nan and not my mum.

Original poster
UnderneathTheStream · 21/01/2010 22:31

It's not the same, but I'm glad you had your nan.

OP posts:
Coldhands · 21/01/2010 22:33

Thanks, I'm glad too otherwise I would have been in foster care.

Try and focus on the good members of your family. Thats what I try and do. Some I would happily never see again but I have some who I am really close to and I concentrate on them. I really hope you have people who you can so this with too!

SpeedyGonzalez · 21/01/2010 22:36

So sorry about your MC, Underneath. I hope you're okay now.

I think the toxic parent thing is unbelievably complicated - if it were a non-relative it would be easy to cut them out of our lives altogether. But having the connection of her being your mother makes the 'easy' solution incredibly painful, complex and difficult to do.

Depending on your circumstances, your best option might be to stay in touch with her when you're feeling strong and then withdraw when you're not - rather than feeling you have to make a single, firm decision and stick to it, you should feel able to be flexible about how you spend time with her, and take control of the relationship. No doubt this will cause her some difficulty, but she has brought this on herself.

It's not a perfect solution, but then there is no such thing as a perfect solution. Whatever you choose to do you'll be left with heartache.

How awful that you have to experience all this; I am sure your experience has taught you everything about how NOT to be a mother, and I do not doubt that you will do a far better job when it's your turn.

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