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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to not visit my mother in hospital

44 replies

UnderneathTheStream · 21/01/2010 14:32

A little bit of background first. My mother is incredibly selfish, and a high functioning alcoholic. My father was very ill throughout my childhood, yet it was always about her. My brother and I did not have a childhood because everything from having birthdays to having friends made her life to difficult.
My brother cut contact for years ? I just tried to distance it and make the contact on my terms. More recently though she has been increasingly frail so I?ve made the effort to visit regularly.
I had a miscarriage last week and got rushed to A&E with complications. I phoned her afterwards to let her know. She turned the conversation around to her operation this week. She is getting her ankle fused due to arthritis.
Fine.
My DP?s very lovely father came straight to A&E when called, gave us a lift home, stayed with me on Saturday when DP had to go out, and rang to check on me.
I rang my mother last night to tell her I was fine now. She wants me to visit her in hospital as I am signed off sick and so therefore free, oh and call her after the op.
I don?t want to go ? I want this time to myself.
Yes I am being selfish but I don?t want to do for her what she couldn?t be bothered to do for me.
AIBU?
I have no dc so childcare is not an issue and she will be in the next city (45mins away approx)

OP posts:
UnderneathTheStream · 21/01/2010 22:38

Well, I have no grandparents left, my dad's dead, my brother cut off contact with me at the same time as with my mother as that was the only way he could deal with it. Other family: my mother drove them off years ago.
But I have DP and I get on well with his dad, if not his mother so well...
I get by!

OP posts:
UnderneathTheStream · 21/01/2010 22:40

Good thinking there Speedy. I've always felt that I "had" to be in contact - but I don't really I suppose...

OP posts:
littlemissfixit · 21/01/2010 22:43

I'm am so sorry for your loss coldhands. I hope you feel better soon. i know other MN will flame me for this but have a big hug! YANBU i cant believe she hasnt even asked how you are! what a selfish git!

Take this time to get better and dont silly yourself with your mums op, why should you be there for her when she hasnt been there for you?

littlemissfixit · 21/01/2010 22:44

oops copyed and pasted the wrong name i ment UnderneathTheStream again!

tiredlady · 21/01/2010 22:48

YANBU
She sounds selfish and will get more so with age. If, through her unreasonable behaviour, she has alienated all her family, you may find that now she is getting on, she will turn to you more. Don't let her do this. Unless she gains some insight, and apologises for the crap childhood she gave you, you will end up with history repeating itself. Keep your distance. Don't let yourself feel blackmailed by her demands. She sounds toxic.

Hope you recover from your MC soon

UnderneathTheStream · 21/01/2010 22:53

She would never apologise because apparently its all in my head. Yeah and to have a daughter with eating disorders, and a son with alcohol problems who both say the same things - well we must just share our delusions. And our problems were nothing to do with our childhood and it's just coincidence.
tiredlady - I can't totally keep my distance because I feel too sorry for her and I feel too guilty. She has no friends either.

OP posts:
mumeeee · 21/01/2010 22:58

YANBU. You are at home recovering from a miscarriage and you need to look after yourself. Just tell her you are not well enough to go. Actually don't bother to tell her anything just don't go.

littlemissfixit · 21/01/2010 23:07

sounds like she has no friends for good reason. I think she's relying on your guilt, and wouldn't be surprised if she plays on it

tiredlady · 21/01/2010 23:08

UnerneathTheStream,
You may have to try and keep your distance to preserve yourself. Of course you feel sorry for her, she is a lonely and bitter old lady, but please don't feel guilty. Why should you feel guilty. Is this a remnant from your childhood? If things went wrong, or if she was cross/angry/disappointed, were you made to feel as if it was your fault somehow?
If you do want to have a relationship with her of sorts,then you need to negotiate it on your terms.

I witenessed my mother struggling for years and years with my vicious toxic grandmother. It was only at the very very end, she was able to truly separate from her, by which time my mum was 65 and had had a life time of abuse,neglect and humiliation. My mum couldn't break away totally, saying she felt guilty, but I wished she had. My grandmother deserved nothing from her, it doesn't sound as if your mum deserves much from you. Protect yourself

Bunnyjo · 21/01/2010 23:28

YANBU at all, you have just suffered a miscarriage and unfortunately I think I know how you must be feeling (I lost my baby 2wk ago today, after contracting chickenpox from my daughter, and was rushed into hospital as I was nearly 12wks and haemorraging). You need to think about yourself, you're going through an incredibly emotional time. If you don't wish to visit your mother, then don't... She never visited you after your traumatic experience so she has no right to burden you with her troubles. As another person said, she has to understand that she will reap what she sows.

Sorry if I'm being blunt, my own emotions are still raw. So sorry for your loss, sending you love and I hope the pain eases in time.

tiredlady · 21/01/2010 23:31

Sorry for your loss bunnyjo

littlemissfixit · 21/01/2010 23:46

for bunnyjo. sorry for your loss

coralanne · 21/01/2010 23:56

Tiredlady has said it all.
Underneath, you sound like such a lovely person. It's obvious you don't play the tit for tat game. You sound very gentle. Self preservation does come first. You can't deal with Mum unless you are fit and healthy yourself. Send her some flowers, phone her and explain that you are not well enough to visit. Make the call short and give yourself permission not to feel any guilt. Good luck

frazzled74 · 21/01/2010 23:58

YANBU, but if not going to visit her is going to cause you anguish and guilt (not that you should feel like this),then do a quick 15 min visit. Or ,phone the ward and send her a message.sorry for your loss x

Lovesdogsandcats · 22/01/2010 00:15

All I can tell you is what I would do.
I would not go visit, nor feel guilt.

I have cut contact with my own mother and feel no guilt whatsoever.

A quote I once heard sums up how I feel :
"you owe your parents nothing, and your children everything"

A shame some mothers, my own included, do not think like this.

SpeedyGonzalez · 22/01/2010 00:27

Underneath, don't forget (in your moments of guilt) that she has created this situation that she's in, not you. No matter what life circumstances have driven her to become this way, she has always had a choice about what decisions to make, and she has chosen the most damaging path rather than a wise one which benefits herself and those around her. You are NOT responsible for that; there is absolutely NO reason why you should ever feel guilty for having mixed feelings towards her. Guilt achieves nothing and causes so much unnecessary harm.

It is highly unlikely that she will change; but one thing that you cannot predict is how, over time, you will change as a consequence of the decisions you make in regard to her.

I have personal experience of this, with a close relative who was unpleasant throughout my life in many ways but I chose to stand by and care for them when they were ill (and, ultimately, dying). After a few years I was suddenly hit in the face by the realisation that during the years I had helped this person I actually learned to love them for the first time in my life. When they eventually died my grief was not complicated by guilt.

Now, I'm not saying this to suggest that you should lay yourself down as a doormat for your mother - god forbid that you should ever do that (and that's certainly not what I did)! Each person and circumstance is unique, and you are the best person to determine what is the wisest course of action for your situation. But whatever you decide, it will change you, in ways that you simply can't predict.

Ohhhh, life is such a bloody bugger sometimes. But IME when we make tough decisions we grow SO much as a result - so remind yourself that with time, you'll be benefitting in some way.

UnderneathTheStream · 22/01/2010 15:31

I'm sorry for your loss bunnyjo.

Speedy and tiredlady - you both sound so wise!

Yes I will ring (and have) but I won't visit. I told her that this morning.

My DP is very good at telling me when she is being manipulative so I think I'll listen to him more often... I suppose I need to stop looking for the mother I want her to be really.

OP posts:
SpeedyGonzalez · 24/01/2010 18:51

Underneath - very sweet of you to use the word 'wise'...I think I'd rather say 'sadly experienced' or words to that effect.

I've given up asking why crap things happen to people - life's just like that but we can still make it work for us.

Sounds like you're making good decisions already - keep it up, girly! Great that your DP is insightful in ways that you need...no doubt you'll develop that insight too, the more you pay atttention to what DP says.

"I suppose I need to stop looking for the mother I want her to be really." - now who's the 'wise' one?

HUGE un-MN-y hugs and good luck.

pigletmania · 24/01/2010 18:54

YANBU dont go, concentrate on getting yourself better, what a selfish woman she is poor you.

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