To yell at ds, 17?

[TrickyTeenagersMum]

Hello, sorry this is a bit of a long one
Ds is 17 and I've posted on here before about him. We've had a turbulent 18 months with him in trouble at school, home and just about everywhere. He keeps assuring us that he's changing his ways but last night he went to his hockey practice and his big sister saw him having a fag on the sidelines before play even started. Then he didn't come home until 11.30 pm (this for a kid who is in the middle of AS retakes, A level coursework and should be taking his A levels this summer if he's not kicked out of school by then). We know he smokes dope (though not openly, he is banned from smoking of any sort at home). He has gone from bright eyed sporty kid to shambling skinny, spotty mess, underweight (6 ft and 10.5 stone).
Anyway, last night after his "night out" and before we'd been told about the cigarette incident, he was polishing his halo, charming at dinner, helped younger siblings with homework and bedtime and was (thinking back on it) being a bit of a creep! Obviously he cares enough to try and be good when he knows he might get in trouble. Big sis then told us about the smoking and that his 11.30 stay-out wasn't for a team evening in the clubhouse as he'd said but a smoking sesh with his pals.
I yelled at him this morning along the lines of "I don't like your lifestyle and I don't want to support you while you're making these choices".
But actually, I feel he has called our bluff - we are desperate to keep the peace so that he stays at school and at least takes (even if he does fail) his A levels. We know he smokes fags and dope and seem pretty well powerless to do anything about it.
We have almost no sanctions as he earns his own money and gets lifts everywhere. We have grounded him in the past but at nearly 18 that seems absurd.
Is it better just to turn a blind eye to all this crapness and let him make his own mistakes? Am dreading June when he finishes school and will presumably go totally off the rails - he was bad enough last summer holidays. He doesn't want to go to university, would you start charging him rent/turf him out, or just let him get it out of his system? We have two younger dcs who obviously I don't want exposed to the teen drugs lifestyle.

Fair enough!

Glad you're not going to fling all your babies out into the snow after all

I think someone else made the point that maybe your DS just isnt academic. Therefore he doesnt enjoy school and finds it difficult.

It's not the end of the world but agree with others that if he wants to have a gap year then he needs a plan. He cant have a gap year then come back with no idea what he is going to do and end up sitting on the dole (my db who is 23 has just been paid off for the 3rd time in 3 years so your ds needs to know that jobs with long term prospects/training arent exactly growing on trees atm).

Might be a good idea for him to discuss his plans with a careers advisor - might make him more focused if he can figure out what is long term goals are.

Hello1

This is definitely getting everyone going - wow! but cheers for all the comments. Yeah, I don't know why he's doing A levels either, I tried hard to persuade him to go to the local FE college and do something a bit more practical instead - he had a place but (egged on by the school, the idiots) he turned it down. He insisted on staying at school, not because he has the slightest interest in the A level course but because he sees his girlfriend and mates there every day.
If he stuffs up the A levels then the FE college have said they would have him next year, though as I've said earlier, he is convinced he will be having a Gap year.
If he left the school right now though, he's wasted 18 months, so we may as well try to salvage something and see if he scrapes a couple of E grades. Not as if he's the world's most employable right now, is it?
Anyway, since I yelled at him he has been much better, coming down at a reasonable time in the morning, eating breakfast, telling us where he was going and why, and announcing plans to "study" tomorrow morning before a hockey match. So maybe yelling did work - in this instance.
Is true a lot of the problem, I think, and having worked it through in this posting, is school. He is just not academic and A levels are too hard for him. So he is defeated and demoralised by it all. I blame the school not the parents - only kidding! - but it will be great when he leaves in May, I am pretty much just as sick of it as he is. Just got to hope whatever comes next will be somethng he can shine at, get his confidence up and give him something positive to focus on.
Anyway, thanks everyone, I really do appreciate your thoughts. Much better than yet another row with dh, I can tell you!

valhalla i feel you are being unusually harsh, imo you are very dimplomatic when posting.

Tricky what you have there is a normal teenage boy, trying to rebel and do his own thing. Before my time as a sahm i worked in addiction, namely children and young people with addiction issues or living with addiction. From reading this post i wouldn't be overly concerned, it could just be a fase, who knows how long it could last.

look at the positives:
He's keeping a job down
He's got other hobbies besides smoking weed
He's going to school, he might not be excelling but he's there!
He's willing to help with other DC.
He's not being disruptive, abusive etc.

Thank you littlemissfixit when you put it like that, it's not so bad. He came home from an 18th y/day in really good spirits. bright eyed and bushy tailed. Of his own volition told dh he'd had just a fewe beers no drugs. DH took him to look in the mirror and said "This is so much better than the dead-eyed look we are used to" and they had a really psositve moment about it all. Just hope he can see this all for what it is. Thanks again everyone x