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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be very shocked only 3% of unmarried parents stay together until child is 16!

671 replies

littlemoominmamma · 21/01/2010 08:02

3% is nothing!!! It is soooo sad. 1 out of every 3 couples have seperated before the child is 5yrs old

I am now glad that the tories are going to give married couples help.

OP posts:
LeninGrad · 21/01/2010 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itsmeolord · 21/01/2010 15:03

That statement is so utterly stupid lilliangish I am struggling to respond without resorting to expletives.

Clearly you are on the windup. After all, no one could really be that blinkered could they??

Peachy · 21/01/2010 15:04

Well for me my marriage is far more than a piece of paper- but owuld exist independently without it. IME the contract is very little of the whole.

So why doI want another option? becuase I think choices matter,and they empower.
there are the extremes of marriage-which most of us I think want and thats fine, we have that- and nothing.

But increasingly poeple don't fall into those brackets, perhaps becuase of failed past marriages, or what they experienced as a child, or ideology or whatever.

So the choices are either to completely write those people off(unless they are educated or well off enough to do it themselves) or give an alternative.

An optional alternative, so that nobody falls into it just by dint of living together- I was all for automatic but was convinced otherwise by Mn, and after thinking deeply about how more awful the break up from XP would have been with rights to sort.

But something affordable- becuase it would be cheaper than a wedding, I would set the maximumcost on it of a marriage licence- most peoplewant,if not need, a bit mroeon their wedding day soawedding does cost mroe normally. And as I said,a big unprotecetd group ATM is people saving for a big wedding- let them have their dream and security now!

Something as accessible as a marriage licence.

And as importantly if not more,something with an associated campaign about what rights really exist. Too many women do not know.

Modern life has created a far more complex world than before- in old timesy ou married,or you stayed single.Now life isn't like that,like it or not,and mrriage isn't necessarily for ever either which will influence future choices as well.

There should be as many options as there aresituation- one for people into marriage and committed, one for people not into marriage and wanting commitment,and one for people wanting no commitment. Covered.

I do think it is better for society of partners (and usually women) are given security when wanted. And it is a simple truth that marriage isnt for everyone-I managed to adapt my wedding to suit me (no white lace gift wrapping (which is how I felt when I tried it on- I did not want my dad to give me as a gift to a man!), I did a speech, had a best woman etc etc)- others have deeper ideological problems that can't be so easily overcome.

Ivykaty44 · 21/01/2010 15:15

could the op please link me to the goverment website that gives these figures - or is only the DW that has cooked this tripe up?

here is there website - where is this statistic?

noddyholder · 21/01/2010 15:24

I would rather do almost anything than wear a monsoon dress

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 21/01/2010 15:31

Ivkaty44- it's not on the gov't site, MattSmithIsNotMyLoveSlave found it a few pages back... er... Family breakdown statistics explained.pdf here. If you search back, her and MillyR deciphered what the paper actually says...

(I'm off to have a google and find who Matt Smith is, in the interests of learning something new every day)

southeastastra · 21/01/2010 15:32

it's up to me whether i want to get married or not, why are 'smug' marrieds so bothered about MY choice?

TheHeathenOfSuburbia · 21/01/2010 15:34

Ooh. I broke that. It's www.bcft.co.uk/2009 Family breakdown statistics explained.pdf

The spaces are messing up the link so you'll have to copy/paste i'm afraid.

Peachy · 21/01/2010 15:35

I love Monsoon dresses, have a few, but not the idea of being wrapped up (and for somereason it didfeelllike it) traditionally to be given away to the man who I already lived and had a child with, as an independent woman, by a man who hadn't supported me for a decade.

Each to their own eh?

(And my dress was a long dark grey shot number with a mattching coat, march wedding, and navy Indian style embroidery so still fancy, just not- The Frock IYSWIM)

Peachy · 21/01/2010 15:38

Matt Smith BTW is the one in Dr Who now who is blessed with a face like a testicle

Just IMO natch

I hope I count as an UN smug married btw

Just how I was raised I think-my parents only married becuase the landlady in the 60's demanded a wedding certificate, they already had conceived (and lost) a baby together. both sisters also marrid but we'renot very dogmatic I guess.

littlemoominmamma · 21/01/2010 15:50

Peachy - I see what you mean.

OP posts:
upandrunning · 21/01/2010 16:10

marriage is hard and I ain't smug

I just don't think people should split up willy nilly when children are involved and i think not being married enables more willinilliness

southeastastra · 21/01/2010 16:14

dp and i have been together 20 years it's not hard

noddyholder · 21/01/2010 16:15

Its not hard

southeastastra · 21/01/2010 16:15

oh and if we would have spent our savings on a wedding instead of a deposit for a house we'd be renting now.

i don't rant at married for being married so you lot should stop berating us. fgs

hobbgoblin · 21/01/2010 16:16

maybe the tory money would be better spent on couples therapy, mental health, financial support and guidance institutions or any of the other agencies that are instrumental in maintaining individual well being so that partnerships between parents succeed whether married, living as married or 'civilly partnered'!

Ivykaty44 · 21/01/2010 16:20

60% of couples with 15 year old
children have remained intact. Of these, 97%
are married. Just 3% of couples who bring up
their children together are not married.

upandrunning · 21/01/2010 16:24

well I'm glad your fridge is full girls "fgs"

we were accused of being smug.. well I'm not and according to your reasoning, which extrapolates the experience of one in a group to the entire group, that means no married people are smug

but if the evidence shows that cohabiting couples are more likely to split up than married couples then that's what it shows

LucyEllensmadmummy · 21/01/2010 16:30

but what does it fucking matter?? getting frustrated now - does it really matter?? married not married, no ones business but mine

upandrunning · 21/01/2010 16:37

of course it matters, it affects the children when couples split up

joanne34 · 21/01/2010 16:41

Just out of interest... How much money are they offering ????

Tamarto · 21/01/2010 16:51

So you really think less couples would split up if they had to get married?

ImSoNotTelling · 21/01/2010 17:01

good question joanne

NoseyNooNoo · 21/01/2010 17:02

No point reading this because it will just be the usual Tory-bashing and Smug-Marrieds bashing - because all married people must be so terribly smug and single-mums, be they divorced or never-married, must be such salts of the earth.

upandrunning · 21/01/2010 17:06

Tbh I don't know. If they were made to get married then probably not. It's more of a sea change in favour of marriage that I would like to see. The truth is I don't understand what people have against it when it seems to be so beneficial.

I suppose (if you are interested in my thought process) that I believe that the resentment of institution that it represents goes hand in hand with an attitude to conflict resolution which does not cement a relationship in times of trouble.

Sometimes I read here (actually a LOT) that no one thinks it's worth the trouble of preserving a marriage: leave and make yourself happy seems to be the motif. Your personal happiness matters above everything.

Maintaining a good relationship that offers stability to a family should be aspired to, not scoffed at.

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