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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel totally deflated by DHs reaction to this?

37 replies

TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/01/2010 20:37

It's his 30th soon and he never likes anything I buy him as a present and on birthdays/christmas he looks disappointed and I look heartbroken as I tried to get it perfect IYSWIM. I know he's keen to go on holiday but money's tight and we have a 20 mo and one due next month.

I picked out a log cabin holiday in England with a big outdoor hot tub and loads of facilities etc. Plus it was affordable. His birthday is October so I thought I'd do that and give him a suprise birthday party on his actual birthday.

Then he'd mentioned something about not wanting to holiday in England in winter. So I had a long think and decided I'd arrange the family log cabin holiday for us in summer and then do the suprise party and potential a night or two away for just us two in October. Now this would mean some serious saving but I thought it'd be lovely and he's worth it. He's pretty much super husband and he always manages to get everything spot on. Plus he's very loving, a good dad and husband and looks after us all really well, particularly with me having such a difficult pregnancy at the mo.

He said if we holiday in England it's got to be south but we're right up north so that'll be a nightmare drive with the kids. So I went for sort of the middle of England and finally showed him. I'd thought about it for two weeks and thought he'd be over the moon at the prospect.

He looked like I'd suggested we drink our own piss. So I showed him the pictures. He said it's not far enough south and it will be cold. He was totally unbothered. So that has now scuppered my plans of a summer holiday and potentially scuppered the plans for the couple of nights away for us as surely he won't be overly keen on that either?

So what am I meant to do? I thought for once I'd finally hit the nail on the head but he's totally unimpressed.

I wonder why I get it wrong all the time and what the hell I should do for a holiday (if anything) and his birthday?

OP posts:
chaosisawayoflife · 19/01/2010 20:40

Miserable git. Let him sort the holidays and his own b'day surprises in future if he's going to be so picky about it.
Feel for you

thisisyesterday · 19/01/2010 20:41

i wouldn't do anything

what an ungrateful man he sounds.

and does he really think it's warmer down south??? pmsl
I live near the south coast, and I can assure you (and him!) that it really, really isn't

maxpower · 19/01/2010 20:41

'he's pretty much super husband and he always manages to get everything spot on' my DH is not quite this perfect but I know damn well he'd never behave so ungratefully at any present I bought or trip I arranged.

It sounds like whatever you come up with won't be good enough, so why not ask him what he wants?

CaptainUnderpants · 19/01/2010 20:43

'He's pretty much super husband and he always manages to get everything spot on. Plus he's very loving, a good dad and husband and looks after us all really well, particularly with me having such a difficult pregnancy at the mo.'

He sounds pretty ungrateful to me .

No YANBU - but if you think he is worth going to all this trouble the work together on it and ask him for suggestions to to where he would like to go.

To be honest I dont think I would bother.

MorrisZapp · 19/01/2010 20:43

Ok. You need to separate these issues.

Your DH is hard to buy gifts for, so the only way to get round that is just to ask him what he would like and get him it. Buy him small 'surprise' things but don't spend £££ and energy trying to read his inscrutable mind.

Holidays - sorry but I can see your DHs view here. I would loathe and detest for anybody to arrange a holiday for me then to tell me afterwards. I want a full say in where, when and how I go on holiday. And a family holiday should surely be paid for by both adults, rather than one scrimping to 'take' the other away. If he has lots of conditions on where you go and when, then just ask him where he would like to go and when.

Don't know if I've said anything of use but them's my thoughts.

Notalone · 19/01/2010 20:44

YANBU - I think what you organised sounds both lovely and also very thoughtful. Have you attempted to tell him how hurt you feel that your carefully thought out presents never seem good enough for him? Maybe he does not realise how affected you are by this. Perhaps you could both have an afternoon where you both select a holiday that suits you both then maybe you could organise something extra for when you arrive such as a couples pamper pack or half a day driving a rally car / wine tasting etc so there is still an element of surprise

Oh and btw you are not always guaranteed good weather down south. We had a short break in Scotland in blistering heat last June while the rest of the country had torrential rain

Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/01/2010 20:45

I think it's the whole turning 30 thing. He's quite a bit older than me and his dad died not long after turning 30 so he's convinced he'll go the same way.

But I want to mark it and I know he'll secretly want me to IYKWIM.

OP posts:
ssd · 19/01/2010 20:45

jesus if thats your idea of a "super husband"
I'd hate to see what a bad one would be like

he sounds like a spoilt brat to me

mumonthenet · 19/01/2010 20:46

feel for you but yes he's a miserable git.

Maybe joint stuff should be jointly agreed? Also, be very sure he likes surprise parties before you throw one!

Sorry to be such a wet blanket.

AnyFucker · 19/01/2010 20:47

does he think the south of England is like the south of France ?

what a silly man

and not very nice of him to constantly rain on your parade

you say he is generally a nice husband,,,but this character flaw of his is really rather unpleasant

I am not surprised you are upset

cancel the holiday and go away with a mate in October for a couple of nights, somewhere lovely and wintry like Scotland in a log cabin with a roaring real fire (much nicer than praying for warm weather in summer, and probably being disappointed)

leave the dc with him (or just take baby if bf)

he is a proper bah humbug and doesn't deserve a nice break for his b'day

MorrisZapp · 19/01/2010 20:48

... actually now that I remember, DP once did spring a surprise trip on me, to Miami.

Miami I hear you say, you lucky thing.

But DP booked for us to go in hurricane season. We spent the entire trip sheltering from biblical storms.

I felt I couldn't say a single word of complaint because he'd so thoughtfully taken me away. We've booked all holidays jointly since then

GhoulsAreLoud · 19/01/2010 20:48

What Morris said.

Original poster
TotallyAndUtterlyPaninied · 19/01/2010 20:54

He just came out the bath and said he'd thought about it and it sounds lovely. Woohoo The first surprise I've got right!!

OP posts:
fruitstick · 19/01/2010 20:55

I agree with Morris.

Also, My DH is in complete denial about what holidays with children are like (Especially if your new one hasn't arrived yet).

I remember going on holiday with 2 year old DS and DH literally walking up to the pool, sitting down on a lounger and putting his ipod on. . When I suggested that he might take DS in the pool he looked aghast and said no - he was reading his book.

He still talks about holidays as if we are still childless and wants to go on cultural city breaks or drive across the Alps.

My husband teases me because I long for the kind of holiday you suggest - plenty for kids to do, hot tub, maybe someone to look after the children so I could have a massage.

I'll come with you.

fluffles · 19/01/2010 20:59

i'd love to go away to a cabin with a hot tub in october - we went in november with friends to a place like that in wales (the weekend cockermouth flooded) and we had a walk in the rain, and beer in the hottub and cooked a sunday roast. it was fabulous

he's being a bit odd if he thinks that temperature/weather is the only indication of a good holiday.

biggirlsdontcry · 19/01/2010 21:13

hope his first reaction hasn't taken the good out of it now op ,

lucyellensmumagain · 19/01/2010 21:31

I think people have been a tad harsh really, the DH probably wants to ensure they all have a good time.

He probably sat in the bath and thought about it, realised he was being victor meldrew esque about the whole thing you'll have a great time, but in my honest opinion - if sometihng is going to cost a lot of money and its pushing the budget, surprises are always going to be a bit dogdy really. Definately consult first - i know its not a surprise then, but nowt worse than a surprise that isn't well recieved

Fibilou · 20/01/2010 08:41

Does he think that it's some sort of tropical paradise down here ? I live in Eastbourne (one of the sunniest resorts in the UK) and I can assure him that it is not. It's just as likely to be cold and miserable here as in the midlands

Coldhands · 20/01/2010 09:27

My god, what an ungrateful git!! I live almost as south as you can get and its bollocks about it being warmer here!!

I wouldn't bother tbh, with an attitude like that.

Also "He looked like I'd suggested we drink our own piss" Really really made me laugh!! Not at his reaction cause he is BU.

YADNBU

ChristianaTheTwelfth · 20/01/2010 09:33

Message withdrawn

tartyhighheels · 20/01/2010 09:44

Ooh poor you what a kick in the teeth - and considering you are pregnant, I think you have been really generous by thinking about him so much. I really think you should say how hurt you are by this and ask him to arrange something himself.

Crikey, I hope he likes suprise parties....

YorkshireRose · 20/01/2010 10:12

YANBU to be upset at his initial reaction as you put a lot of thought into chosing it and he should have been grateful for this. However, he redeemed himself by thinking about it and admitting he was wrong. Did he apologise for not being grateful before?

I don't think he is a git, he's just a bloke. All the men in my life have been impossible to buy surprise presents for and I would NEVER try to book a surpise holiday for DH. He just has such definite ideas on what he wants which change from day to day and I would never be able to guess what is currently in favour. Holidays are only booked after extended negotiations on details! he has been known to change his mind even after all details have been agreed and holiday booked, but that is his own fault

I gave up years ago trying to buy surprise presents for DH, i just take him to the shops and say CHOOSE!

Hope you have a great time by the way, it does sound blissful and I am sure your DH will agree when you get there.

cumbria81 · 20/01/2010 10:28

He does sound very ungrateful and I can see why you are upset.

That said, a holiday is quite a personal thing and it might have been an idea to talk to him about it first, especially given that he is hard to buy for. I know that ruins the surprise but then it would seem he doesn't really like them!

I think it probably is a bit warmer down South but in the winter we are only talking a few degrees anyway.

scratchet · 20/01/2010 11:08

Any chance you could post a link to the hot tub place? Sounds fab!

YANBU

cornflakegirl · 20/01/2010 12:05

What Morris said. Give up now on the idea that surprise presents are a good idea. I don't buy my DH anything more surprising than chocolate. If I do risk something like a CD, it's on the understanding that he's allowed to hate it.

Glad he likes the hol now though!