Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find this comment by my dinner guest a bit irritating..

55 replies

Irishchic · 18/01/2010 17:03

Sat night, 6 of us having dinner in our house, including me and my husband. One of the girls I don't really know all that well. I have made a cake for dessert, (quite a nice cake too) and after I cut it, and give it around, the girl who I don't know says, Oh that's a real Women's Institute cake there, it's time you went back to work!"

She and the other girl at the table both work, and I gave up working as a solicitor to stay at home with my five very young children (having struggled to combine the two things).

It irritated me a bit, I have to say. AIBU? I suppose I am, or maybe just a bit touchy as feel that people judge me for having given up a supposedly decent job to be a SAHM, (although I am very happy with my choice btw.)

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 18/01/2010 17:44

I think you are Superwoman anyway.
You have 5 young DC and you held a Dinner party and actually cooked, I'd have gone to Waitrose/M&S in your position

I think it was meant as a joke, I am sure most women are in awe of anyone with 5 DC who manages to even string a sentence together. I bloody well am, I can't cope with 2 DC.

MrsMattie · 18/01/2010 17:47

what lizzylou said!

Mandy1966 · 18/01/2010 17:49

Did you tell her your prob'ly better qualified than her?
I would have, and that (if she doesnt have kids of her own) until she has the experience Work and family together) to keep her mouth shut..

Mandy1966 · 18/01/2010 17:50

Lets face it all her food is prob'ly shop brought!!!

Food for thought, huh?

Original poster
Irishchic · 18/01/2010 18:08

I just laughed it off, and thought inwardly it was a bit

She has kids and works and is a super cook.

I can't count the times I have gotten these kinds of comments from people (actually usually other women) men don't seem to care one way or the other if you are working or not, it doesnt register with them.

I quite often get "are you back to work yet?" and "when are you going back to work?" My youngest is nearly two, I'm hardly still on maternity leave so I dunno why they keep bloody asking me every time I meet them!

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 18/01/2010 18:21

Actually the only snarky comments I have ever had about being a SAHM have been from men. Women I meet in real life seem to be too polite/intelligent to criticise other peoples choices.

NorbertDentressangle · 18/01/2010 18:30

I guess it could have been taken two ways -one of them being a compliment, the other having bitchy undertones.

However if she'd phrased it a bit differently would you have maybe seen it more positively eg. if she'd said "Ooooh thats a real Nigella cake" would that have been more complimentary than a comparison with a WI members cake?

nancydrewrocks · 18/01/2010 18:32

I think it was meant as a compliment. Don't worry about it.

amidaiwish · 18/01/2010 18:47

other women only ask that about "when are you going back to work?" because they are aware you have a choice. Because you can earn enough to cover the childcare costs and for it to be worthwhile. because as a solicitor you can do office hours, you can work from home etc and still earn a decent salary.

in reality it is a small proportion of women who have a real choice to work or not.

TiggyR · 18/01/2010 18:54

That's true, and you DO have a choice, and it seems you are making it, so be proud and don't feel that you should justify being at home to yourself or anyone else. If you are happy, and your DCs and DH are happy with the current situation and you are not struggling financially (at least no more so than you would be after childcare costs) then there is no need for you to question it, or anyone else for that matter!

Original poster
Irishchic · 18/01/2010 19:02

TiggyR you are right. I won't give it another thought.

Don't know why it hit a nerve, perhaps a bit of PMT going on, always makes me a bit more sensitive!

OP posts:
TuttiFrutti · 18/01/2010 19:03

YANBU, this was a bitchy comment. She probably tried to make it sound like a lighthearted joke to make herself feel better, but it has undertones of "what are you doing wasting your time making cakes like this, you should be back in the office like me".

I agree with you that I mainly get comments like this from other women (I'm also a SAHM who used to be a solicitor). They are trying to justify their own choices, and some of them feel threatened by another woman who has made a different choice.

Two4One · 18/01/2010 19:07

You're probably being a bit touchy - though I would have been irked by it too. We just always tend to see the criticism instead of the compliment, don't we? She sounds tactless, it was probably just her idea of a joke. She would hardly have come to your home for dinner to deliberately insult you.

Bear in mind also that if she hasn't got any children herself then the idea of you being at home surrounded by babies and dough probably makes her feel a variety of emotions...

Having said that, I'm on maternity at the moment and am getting a bit fed up of being constantly asked when I'm going back to work. By men and women. I tell myself they're just making conversation and I've probably asked the same question myself in the past. But the truth is I don't know the answer and always feel a bit put on the spot. Just don't know how I'll feel after the baby comes. But I imagine I'll get asked this question all the time post-baby and will have to justify my decision either way. I know it's natural and people are just showing an interest but it can feel nosy.

Anyway, I bet your cake was lovely - and she is a lucky guest to have been served it

Two4One · 18/01/2010 19:11

Oops, just seen that she does have children - and is a working Mum.

Makes a bit more sense now...

pointysaysrelax · 18/01/2010 19:13

You are being too touchy for your own good. Tuff up a bit and sling her a barbed comment back.

pointysaysrelax · 18/01/2010 19:14

It wasn't a proper joke. It was a spiky barby joke. That's completely different.

victoriascrumptious · 18/01/2010 19:15

Sounds like something i'd say-without meaning any offence by it

tassisssss · 18/01/2010 19:21

OP, much sympathy, I'd be raging!

But I think it's just one of those things people think it's OK to say. People say it to me often actually and in ways that are a whole lot more more subtle.

Very annoying.

nickytwotimes · 18/01/2010 19:24

I would think it amusing, personally. I say sarky stuff like that all the time.

But then I didn't give anything much up by staying at home so am not really bothered what others think of my choice.

And bloody hell, 5 kids - that is impressive. I'd be well impressed by your career and your childcare abilities!

There must be some underlying touchiness if you were upset by this?

beammeupscotty · 18/01/2010 19:51

YANBU
She was bitchy
She was also no doubt jealous . To keep up her superwoman image (working mum/brilliant cook etc) must be exhausting. She'd probably give anything to be rewarded with the belief that she is doing ONE job properly, ie her children, instead of being constantly torn between work, husband, children and feeling that there's never enough of her to go round. You've made a lifestyle choice that will never come around again, I am so glad you are enjoying it. High powered jobs will always be there, your DCs happy little faces are a once in a lifetime opportunity, well done for making the most of it

pointysaysrelax · 18/01/2010 19:53

you however, scotty, are talking cobblers

crankytwanky · 18/01/2010 19:57

Rude, but I think she was probably jelous of your domestic godessness (?), and perhaps a little nervous if you don't know her that well.

She probably drove home with her fist in her mouth, and couldn't sleep for that awful cringy feeling!

CirrhosisByTheSea · 18/01/2010 19:58

I think it was a rude comment

and it does point towards her having a leeeetle problem with you being a SAHM, for whatever reason ( I wouldn't dream of suggesting that she may be a little jealous)

mii · 18/01/2010 20:02

I would have been slightly

but tbh it is usually men I get this kind of crap off

tassisssss · 18/01/2010 20:06

mii, yes men more likely to say such rubbish to me too...