to think it may be better to regret the baby you didn't have than the baby you did have?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Yes I'm deliberately putting this one in the fightiest part of MN.
It has been suggested to me that I think about having another baby. This may well be totally hypothetical as I am 45 with AF getting fairly erratic anyway.
On the one hand I am thinking that: I am old so risks increase
I am not exactly financially stable and having a year or so off working would make me even less so
I'd have to move house

On the other hand..
DS would love a sibling and says so
There would be a very hands on and loving daddy
Mmm lovely cuddly snuggly newborn who might grow up to be just as lovely as my lovely DS...

If you want another baby, at least try. You may or may not get lucky, but I think you'd regret not trying.

Best of luck.

I don't know, but would love the answer myself. I am also trying to make the same decision and TBH finding it really difficult at the moment.

The general consensus of regrets goes, you regret the things you didn't do, but I am not sure that applies to children!

Should say, it strikes me that your 'cons' list are all practical. That would make me think you want one really. The practicalities, to me, are the least important factor, other people are able to do a great job under very difficult circumstances and manage.

what's the biggest con? is it the idea of a child with a disability, really? if so, i'd explore my thinking wrt what i would do in that situ.

I don't think you can do a for and against list for something like this. It will always come out as against because you can't put a value on the things that matter like love or the fact that you just want one. Nobody would ever have children if they used this method imo.

You have to go with your gut. I think you last point says it all really. It sounds to me like you want another one. You can't ever expect to be 100% sure though, because if you wait for that you won't even try. Being 100% sure just doesn't happen.

The only other way to think about it is to imagine what it would be like 10 yr down the line with or without another baby. Do you think you would regret one decision or the other? That is probably how I came to have my two. No great maternal urge to have children but I kept pitying people who had reached middle age and had none. I realised that unless I had some myself I would just like them. I would end up feeling sorry for mmyself!!

Give it a go - get checked out by the doctors to make sure that any preventable or treatable problems can be dealt with and then just trust in fate and see what happens.

Good luck.

SGB I'm not far off your age and also think about having another child sometimes, however much as I love babies (and the children I already have) I do feel that my age is rather against me - not in as much as my fertilitly has probably drained away to nothing but the thought of having a difficult teenager when I'm in my 60 gives me the screaming shits tbh . But then I have 2 dds not just one child.

Some things you may wish to add to your thinking list . . .

How old is your ds SGB? Would another baby really be a playmate for him or is he already 5+? Ie would be into really different stuff by the time younger sibling comes along?

Also how do you feel about having a 15 yr old when your 60?

Others have pointed out the possiblilty of having a child with disabilities - this would obviously impact you hugely - and your son. Just something else to add into the mix.

Your question's interesting and one I had cause to explore deeply at one point. It turned out, for me at least, that I couldn't possibly regret having a child of mine, I'd made the right decision (Phew!). Mothering instinct and love left no room whatsoever for regret, rejection or resentment, even against extreme odds.

Bugger the practicalities, follow your heart on this one.

Here's a funny one; I have twice as many children as I intended to but it wasn't until my final child was born that my family was complete. I hadn't realised it wasn't complete before hand but it wasn't.

If you want one have one. Except I'm not convinced you really, really do because your reasons to have one are about other people (your DS, the daddy) and having a newborn. Have you completely forgotten the nightmare that is a newborn woman?!

Newborns are bloody hard work. I think we're hard wired to forget that (or we'd never have any more ). And even with the best, most hands on dad they are still ulimately your responsibility as I'm sure you know. That relentless responsibility can be very tiresome.

If you like your life as it is now, with the relative freedom you have then I'd leave be. Unless you can give birth to a 2 year old and cut out all the baby drugery... then go for it!

I think you also need to think about the fact that when they're 15 and being a full on hormonal nightmare, you will be 61. My mum is 61 now and pretty good for her age but I think she'd find still being a full time parent exhausting. It may also mean that you have to carry on in full time employment for longer than you want to.

I know there are older mums, and I'm not saying you shouldn't do it; just that it should be a consideration.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Yeah but you wouldn't regret the baby you had would you? I mean if you had another it would be great - but then if you didn't things would also be fine. You are more likely to regret not trying but that doesn't mean you will definitely regret it.

Well I don't think I would go for it in your situation unless you have a secret driving urge to have another. The practicalities of a situation are very important. It's very hard to enjoy a baby with a whole shed load of worries and whilst of course people do manage and babies just happen sometimes - that isn't the case for you. I suppose I just feel why put yourself through it if you don't feel you have to. Pregnancy and raising a child is a massive thing to put yourself through for the sake of your ds and dh - who are I'm sure perfectly happy now. Yes, a baby would be lovely but sometimes we do have to accept that things are just fine without one.

agreee with northernlurker

and it is not just about having a baby, you are looking at another 18 years minimum of another child/dependant.

you should not include your DSs wish for a sibling in your thinkging

children think they want all sorts of things, the reality may be entirely different

the fact it was suggested to you that you might want to think about it, rther than a burning need from inside you, also makes me think this would be better staying a theory, rather than a reality

Do you want a snuggly cute baby? or a child?

I ask because while I yearn for the feelings of pregnancy, birth, breast feeding, snuggling newborn skin, pushing a pram, etc etc I have no wish for any more children.

YANBU at all. And I agree with every word of the pros and the cons.

(could have written post myself also, am 44, dd is 6, only child, we are church mice poor although things slightly improved now I'm back working more regularly, have still got pram and other accoutrements despite being a confirmed parent-of-only-child- go figure)

I think the fact that you are seeing it as a maybe/what if/should I means you don't really want one. (transposing you onto me IYSWIM)

I think sometimes I want one. I want the teeny tiny newborny thing. I do not want the toddler bit when I'm nearly 50. I want to bf again. I don't want to potty train again yawn.

I worry about having a boy. I just don't know anything about them.

I definitely agree with JAMM that it mustn't be about other people. Dp (who is younger than me) has always presumed dd would be an only child because of my advanced years (harump) it's me who dithers. Dd would like a sister or brother, but realistically, until they're both in middle-aged years, a 6+ year age gap is never going to make them best friends anyway is it?

All pros and cons aside, do you actually want one? Yes or No? Because when I make myself answer that, with no justifications allowed, mine comes up as a No. If yours comes up as a Yes, then go for it.

You live alone don't you? Sounds like a lot of extra work to me if you're going to continue to live alone.

Good luck with whatever you decide

I would not do it, sgb

this is your hormone's last hurrah...< sorry to be doom and gloom >

the practicalities of a new baby are immense

are you up to the sleepless nights and sheer bone-killing fatigue ?

don't listen to your ds, he doesn't know what he is talking about

my dd wanted a sibling...the 1st thing she kicked off about was the fact he came with a willy...and there has been massive sibling rivalry from day one (I think an older child really gets their nose pushed out when they have been an only for so long)....very, very wearing

however....I have the two I wanted and I know that maternal pull is strong...but I didn't actually get that from your post

I would love to have a baby. I still cannot believe that that's it wrt motherhood. Don't like to face up to teh fact that I will never be pregnant again, never hold my baby in my arms.

However, my only dd is 14. Do I really want another baby, or am I just shitting myself at the thought of dd growing up and away, and I just want to chance to have my daughter as a baby again, and to repeat her upbringing. It think rather the latter. And that is not a good enough reason to start another baby.

Bucharest's post was great - I totally agree. Yes, I want the pregnancy, breastfeeding, cuddles, little child to take to see father christmas. No, I don't want sleepless nights, the working/childcare/nursery nightmare, the lack of money, managing a huge 15 year age gap between my children.

So, I have to reconcile myself to the fact that if I chose to have a baby it will be purely a heart over head decision. And can I make such a decision which practically has very few plus points, and a lot of negatives.

I would much rather have a mild regret over 'what might have been', rather than a real regret about a flesh and blood baby.

think you should get a puppy or a pony or something instead

I think that you need to forget the baby part-it is so short. The part to think about is do you want 2 teenagers, do you want to be a taxi driver and have a house full of teenagers, do you want to lie in bed waiting to hear them come in. Lots of people love this stage and hate the 'empty nest'-if that is you then go ahead.

We have just made the decision that we're done. It was really hard for me, as the hormones were really pulling me to have another. I feel that DD2 is growing up fast, and she's only 1! But it would mean another grim pregnancy, if I can conceive again at all (fertility issues) with 9 months of worrying about another difficult delivery, and probably another dreadful sleeper (we're up most nights already with one or other of ours). It was a very easy decision for DH as he was really worried about my physical and mental health all through the pregnancy with DD2.

One thing that I would add is that I had always known that it would be harder with two children, but I hadn't realised just how logistically difficult it can be to get out of the door with two small children! DD1 is having a spell of waking up with nightmares, and we are terrified that she'll wake up DD1, who has only just started sleeping through, and who wakes up at 5.30am most days anyway. I long for a good night's sleep! And there is a lot of sibling rivalry. Plus it is hard to keep everyone happy when we go out to do anything.

I am very happy that we had DD2 and she is lovely. I don't regret it at all. But I am not going to give in to the longing again. The poster who said that wanting a baby can be a way of trying to hold onto the childhood of the children that you already have is spot on, I think. I am trying to cherish every moment now, instead (even though I am shattered!).

i am in the midst of newborn hell and managing a stroppy toddler

i haven't slept more than 2 hours in a row for as long as i can remember now

DD feeds hourly in the day

I have a fab DH but still i do 90% of the childcare

I want to leave the house with a clutch bag not a rucksack

i want to read a book

i love my children to their very bones but i honestly agree with everything lulu has said ...

I would never have another at 45, not because its 'too old' or anything like that, but I have 3 and one due next month at 25...my life will be beginning at 45!

My first two were unplanned, mostly due to being brainless about antibiotics and the pill and breastfeeding as contraception. However we planned my third and my fourth. We took a lot more into consideration than just the wishes of children and having a nice snuggly baby.

I wont patronise you, I am sure you know what having a baby involves, I will say i think its better to regret the baby you dont have than the one you choose to have. It might be a nice dream, but what would the reality be like for you?

I would at least try, my mum had me when she was 42 and it took a while for me to come alone prior to me being born. I desparately wanted another brother or sister but sadly that was not to be. I do have half siblings (my dad had children before meeting mum), but the age gap was so big, the youngest of them was 15, so old enough to be my dad or mum really.